Always Judge a Movie By its Trailer (Mar 13)

Would you buy a car without a test drive?  Would you purchase a food item in a store without first opening it and nibbling a little?  Of course you wouldn’t.  Then why would you go to see a movie without having it’s trailer analyzed by a professional?  Unless you like possibly wasting hours of your life and literally thousands of your hard earned dollars, there would be no sane reason to do such a thing.  Lucky for you, I happen to be an expert in the these matters.  I take a look at a trailer and I can smell a flop a mile away.  Have no fear, this weekend, I will be your safety net in the circus act that is picking a movie.

First on the inspection rack is Horton Hears A Who, the timeless tale of a schizophrenic elephant and his little pink plant.  Now, it may not be obvious from the trailer, but I have already figured out the big twist: there are no Who people, they are just the insane voices created in the mind of a lonely elephant.  But this is just my speculation.

There is also the overlying symbolism that Horton represents the right wing of the republican party and their commitment for standing up for the little guy.  Brain washing starts early.  Philosophical aspects aside, this cartoon boasts some very smooth looking animation and the voice talent of Steve Carrell, Seth Rogan, Jonah Hill, and one of my personal favorites, Jim Carrey.  With that cast there is no way I could give this trailer a bad review, but if you want to impress a girl, I’d say this is not a choice for a first date.  Kinda hard to make out when you are surrounded by the snot-nosed demographic.

Next is on the roster is Never Back Down.  My friend T.J. showed me this trailer a while ago when he first discovered it, and we laughed really hard at it.  It is some kind of ridiculous mix of Fast and the Furious and Fight Club. A new kid moves into a town where all the rich white kids get together and beat the crap out of each other.  And the hottest girls go to the winner.  So he goes and gets fight training from Djimon Hounsou, who is mostly there to try and give the film a little credibility, so he can defeat the best fighter in town, who also happens to be the biggest douche-bag in town.  There is some seriously cringe-worth writing in this script.  Here’s a small example:

Hot Chick: “You know giving up and walking away aren’t the same thing.”

New Kid: “That’s good, cause I’m not doing either one.”

If you are looking for a decent movie to enjoy and broaden your horizons, look elsewhere.  If you want to sit and laugh at horrible writing and bad acting to keep yourself from crying about what Hollywood is trying to pass off as quality entertainment these days, look no further!

Lastly is the odd looking movie Doomsday. This movie seems to combine the zombie genre of films like 28 Days Later with sort of a Mad Max feel.  The movie concerns an outbreak that is thought to have been contained within a large enclosure in Britain.  25 years later, we find that not only has the outbreak somehow escaped, but that there are survivors living within the enclosure.  To find the cure, a crew is sent in to talk to the survivors, but they are not too happy.  Apparently in the elapsed years, they have created their own uber violent society that don’t take too kindly to strangers.  It’s kinda like Deliverance, but with less anal penetration, from what I could tell from the trailer anyway.  This movie looks halfway decent to me, and to seal the deal, Bob Hoskins is in it.  From his Smee in Hook, to his detective in Who Framed Roger Rabbit, I’m just a sucker for some Hoskins.  There is the eerie detail that this film was not released early for critics, that usually doesn’t bode well, but I’ll take my chances.  If you are like me and enjoy violence, zombies, post-apocalyptic societies, and Bob Hoskins, then I do suggest you see this movie.

Not a bad little weekend at the theater.  You can bring the kids for some comedy of elephantine proportions, or you leave them home and see something else.  But just remember that the first rule of Never Back Down Fight Club is never back down from not talking about never back down fight club.  The second rule is don’t go see Never Back Down.

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