American Idol, Season 10: Final 2 Performances

Ryan Seacrest was in a tuxedo for last night’s American Idol finale, so you know it was big. It all comes down to this. The voting, our Idol, and one of my last Idol columns of the season. For the occasion I made my wife a mocha with my Aeropress, I popped a big bowl of popcorn and smothered it with salt and butter, and washed it all down with a Pepsi. Do I know how to party, or what?

Big thanks to spunkybeanster, Myndi, for covering me last week while I was out in Los Angeles setting up camp outside the hotel where Lauren Alaina and Scotty McCreery were staying. I’ve kind of made this an annual tradition. I hitch hike (spunkybean doesn’t have travel budget) and introduce the trucking and teamster community to my American Idol mix tapes (to a man, nobody likes Taylor Hicks), and eventually I arrive in Los Angeles and this year I wasn’t mugged even once. I rummage through the dumpster of the hotel trying to figure out what Scotty eats for breakfast and, guess what, Steven Tyler gave me $5 this year when he saw me. Simon Cowell never did that. The new judges officially have my endorsement.

Where was I? Oh yes …thanks, Myndi! Around the spunkybean headquarters, I’m a man on an island. And island named Lauren Alaina. Myndi thinks American Idol has become too touchy feely and nicey nice without Simon, but as I’ve said all season, this was the right move. I think seasons 1, 2 and 3 were at least this fun and nice before Simon became a grumpy fuddy duddy. For goodness sake …Kris Alan, Lee DeWyze, and David Cook won Idol by singing sad songs and despite Simon constantly telling them how cabaret and cruise shippy they were. And the runner ups were a femmy goth guy, a granola chick, and David Archuletta (not sure what category he falls into).

I guess we’ll all have to agree to disagree …let’s talk performances.

Last night we got three songs from each contestant – a personal pick, a pick from their own personal idol, and finally the Jimmy Iovine written and produced first single they’ll release should either of them win. Lauren Alaina was singing on a bum vocal chord because she blew out her throat during rehearsals, but luckily Lance Armstrong’s doctor works for Idol so they injected her with all sorts of “uppers” and “medicine” so she was ready to perform. Welcome to the big time, Lauren. If ever you’re feelin’ sick, sad, scared, or your voice is suffering …don’t worry. Your “doctor” can help you.

Lauren Alaina was high as a kite last night.

Let’s talk singing.

ROUND 1 – FINALISTS PICK

The first two songs of the night were the songs our Idol finalists selected for themselves; songs they’ve already performed during the season.

Scotty went with “Gone” and Lauren Alaina went with “Flat on the Floor” and in case you had any doubt this was a Country-off, you could rest easy early on. In fact, I half expected Idol to ask Ryan to take the night off and that they’d bring out Jeff Foxworthy to host for the night.

As good as Scotty was earlier in the season when he sang “Gone”, he was better last night. As Ryan told him post-performance, he’s so calm and unflappable. He walks around that stage almost as if he’s bored with sharing the stage and he’s doing this for charity. Scotty, to me, is typical of what I see from modern teens …nothing excites them. Nothing. Ever. They call this generation the Millenial generation, but they could just as easily be called the Whatever generation. If you know a high-school graduate, you know what I mean. Like, hey, you got into Harvard on a full ride, and you managed to secure an internship with Audi and they gave you a roadster to use while at college and commuting back and forth, you’re dating the head cheerleader, and you managed to turn your t-shirt making hobby into a six-figure income. They’ll shrug their shoulders and say whatever. That’s Scotty …he’s in the Idol finale. In less than 9 months, he’s nearly a household name, he’s on the eve of being very rich and going on tour, and he has the potential to be a huge celebrity. He’s living the impossible dream. But …whatever.

Lauren didn’t get the “whatever memo” and she’s still sort of emotional. It’s always a good idea to mimic the most successful and the most perfect American Idol that ever was, Carrie Underwood, and then tell Idol producers that Carrie Underwood is your Idol. Invoke the name Carrie Underwood as many times as you can, and you’ll go far. I try to say “Carrie Underwood” at least 5 or 6 times a day during casual conversation, and my life is better for it. “Gee, honey, this dinner is wonderfully Carrie Underwoody” or “Hot dang, I’m having a super Carrie Underwood kinda day”.

I give Round 1 to Lauren. I think Scotty could’ve won it if he wasn’t still forced to sing a shortened version of “Gone” and he could inject more charm into the performance. You’ll see at the summer concert what I mean. Performed live, that song does better when you can get the crowd clapping their hands above their heads and chanting “gone” at the top of their lungs, at which point Scotty can run all over the stage and build a frenzy.

ROUND 2 – CELEBRITY PICK

Scotty went first and was given his song by George Strait. Mr. Strait asked Scotty to sing “Check Yes or No” and I thought that might be George Strait’s huge disco hit from the 70s. I must’ve been thinking of another song. Instead, “Check Yes or No” was a smarmy, folksy Country love song that included lyrics about skippin’ stones, meetin’ at a country fair, holdin’ hands and kissing on the school bus, and in the end makes falling in love sound as simple as passing a note in the schoolyard. Ah, yes …Country music. If country livin’ is so g’oll darn charming, how come everyone living in the country is on meth or has their fist baby at age 16 or 17. Oooooh …I know, it’s mean. But I’m making fun of country folk, and it’s not like they have computers, so don’t worry that I hurt their feelings. Scotty’s performance was wonderfully country sounding and it made me wish it was Christmas time and that I was headin’ down to the church hall for the annual Christmas hoe down. Golly …and maybe Widow Henry will bring too many apple pies again and I can sneak one away and take it home. Scotty, as Myndi deftly pointed out last week, is even better when strumming a guitar. He looks bigger than life when he’s holding a guitar. Even if he’s only using it as a prop, it’s a good idea for him to have a guitar. I can honestly say I’d never heard that song until last night, but yet I felt like I’ve heard that song every time I happen onto a Country station. It was perfect for him.

Carrie Underwood chose “Maybe It Was Memphis” for Lauren Alaina. That was another song I’d never heard before, and for me, it didn’t pop. Lauren seemed really into it, but because it didn’t mention the bleachers or “your momma’s porch swing”, it kinda lost me. Plus, I kept looking and waiting for Lauren’s voice to fail, and it never happened. Overall, very good …but vanilla.

I give Round 2 to Scotty. The Judges Three were a mixed bag, most giving both Round 1 and 2 to Lauren, but they’re crazy. Round 2 was definitely Scotty’s best moment of the night.

ROUND 3 – THEIR FIRST SINGLE

And lastly, the Fox-Idol-Iovine written song and the winner’s first single. Dang! All I have to say is, if you’ve got some cheesy lyrics floating around your head and they ain’t working with a rock or R&B music bed, flip it to a Country song and introduce a steel guitar or fiddle because, man, you can get away with all sorts of fluffy stuff if you go Country.

“I Love You This Big” was Scotty’s song and it was actually a pretty good song. It spoke to his youth and innocence with Scotty singing the words of a 3-year-old, expressing his love by spreading his arms wide and trying to measure how much he loves something or someone. Or maybe he was singing the words of a parent trying to explain to their toddler how much he or she is loved. I could see myself dancing to that at a high-school prom or at a wedding. Problem is, nowadays when I show up and try and slow dance with anyone, it’s really frowned upon. And by “frown” I mean “handcuffs” and my name on a watch-list. But whatever …right kids? The first-single song isn’t always a good fit, but Scotty singing “I Love You This Big” was the best pairing of lyrics, mood, and Idol that I can remember since Kelly Clarkson tearfully sang “A Moment Like This.” At least is was …until 5 minutes later when Lauren sang.

Unfortunately for Scotty, as good as his song was for him and as superbly as he performed it, how can he be expected to trump Lauren Alaina and her single, “Like My Mother Does”. For goodness sake, people, my wife was shedding a couple tears before Lauren even started singing and Iovine was still just talking about Mom’s being the bedrock of American society. Then, Lauren, looking as pretty as she has at any point all season, and with us all knowing she was fighting through a blown vocal chord, she was able to look at her Mom and walk down and personally sing to and hug her Mom. Lauren hit every awesome note they wrote for her, her Mom was balling her eyes out, and Lauren let a single tear drop roll from her eyes during the final, soft, falsetto Mariah-Carey-esque note. I’m sorry …if you didn’t vote for Lauren last night, then you are Al Queda. Scratch that …that might be too much. Oh well …you had to love Lauren and her song last night, and if you say you didn’t, you’re just being absurdest for the sake of being absurdest. That’s OK … I forgive you like I forgive everyone …just like my mother does.

Truly, Sean Hannity or Rush Limbaugh might use a song like this on their radio show, and mark my words …if the Republicans throw a female candidate our way, “Like My Mother Does” could very likely be used to garner our votes. “Like My Mother Does” even had the lyrics “I get down on my knees and pray” which always plays well. And it’s not even like they gave Scotty a crappy song …they just didn’t give him “Like My Mother Does” and they didn’t write some clever sappy post-performance dialog for him like they did for Alaina when she said, “my Momma is crying, but she’s still beautiful.”

You can tell what I’m predicting, just like Steven Tyler, it’s the same as I’ve predicted all season …Lauren Alaina. My wife and I dialed her number well over 30 times. And it ain’t like we hate Scotty, we just love Lauren. I’ll leave it at this …Lauren should win. I like her to win. But given that the last 3 Idols were dudes and 2 of the 3 runner-ups were dudes, and I think dudes hold a 5-4 edge over the first 9 seasons, Scotty could still win this thing. But I think the Fox campaign and the staging and presentation of Lauren might have created the perfect storm and Lauren can win.

What a journey, eh? Hard to believe as of mid-January we all had no idea who either of these two kids were. I marvel at the Idol machine every year and I can’t wrap my head around how dramatic and surreal this sudden and immediate fame must be for these guys. At least for the past few seasons, because we crowned Idols in their mid-20s who all had struggled as singers and performers, we knew they would be all right because they’d played out this scenario in their heads many times during their wildest dreams. But 16-year-old Lauren and 17-year-old Scotty are living out a wild, impossible fantasy. I thought last week’s heart wrenching moment during their hometown visit was when Scotty was laying in his bed with his Nerf basketball in his hand and he just started sobbing. I felt like he realized he could never go back …ever. He started his Junior year of high-school just like any other kid and maybe told some people he had auditioned for Idol, or maybe that he had a golden ticket and was heading to Hollywood, and everyone was probably like, “oh, hey …good luck” but in their hearts might’ve thought, “I hope he doesn’t get his hopes too high” or “I don’t even think Scotty’s that great a singer” and he went to high-school football games and walked to class just like a regular kid. Now …neither he or Alaina can ever do anything like walk through a mall by themselves again.

Think about it.

Alainerds! We won (I think). See you all tomorrow where I’ll talk about the 2+ hours of finale coverage, the season, and what sorts of snacks and beverages I enjoyed during it all. Thanks for reading today and all season.