American Idol, Season 10: Top 5 Results and J-Lo’s “Harem Pants”

So sorry for the delay in getting this recap out, but from the minute I saw Lauren Alaina in the bottom-2, her eyes all full of tears, I had very little time to write a dang recap and instead I took to the streets pounding Lauren Alaina lawn signs in every open expanse of real estate I could find, I was hanging door-hangers on door knobs, and I even stole a horse from a stable near me and took off across the country side in a Paul Revere-esque ride to save Lauren. “The finish is coming,” I yelled! It was memorable and inspiring …if only for the simple fact that, when you ride a horse through the streets, you must stop at stop signs and traffic signals just like if you are in a motor vehicle. And I also learned our modern world is very unfriendly toward horses as a means of transportation …fix this, Obama! With gas prices rising, horses and horse and buggy travel is going to make a comeback. Mark my words.

Anyway, I think I won some hearts and changed some minds with my midnight ride, and as I sit here on this sunny Friday afternoon, I don’t think we’ll see Lauren Alaina in the bottom-2 until the finale, which will also be the top-2 depending on whether you are a Coca-Cola glass is half-full or Coca-Cola glass is half-empty sort of person.

Jacob Lusk is no longer with us. I mean …um, he’s no longer with us on Idol. Again, for like the 10th week in a row, I was toooootally right in my prediction. Even Jacob himself said at some point last night, he knows he’s the underdog. It has nothing to do with how well he can sing, song choice, or dancing ability at this point, but instead has everything to do with mainstream marketability and whether or not Fox is playing honest pool or not.

Jennifer Lopez performed last night in what I hear tell are called “Harem pants” which look like baggy M.C. Hammer pants (for my younger readers, that was a rapper in the 1980s and he wore pants with a low inseam). Jennifer Lopez, regardless of her diva ways and insufferable ego, has always been known for an amazing butt. All season long, she’s been very revealing on showing us all that she’s lost all her baby weight and that she still has a rockin’ body …so when she performed her single “Out on the Floor” in pants that would accommodate an adult diaper, I was dumbfounded. Is this some sort of trend? It must be because my wife immediately identified this “Harem pants” style. So the trend is women want to be comfortable in pajama-type pants and attractiveness and sexiness is out the window? Please, trend …become a passing fad, quickly.

Steve Tyler has a book out …I didn’t know this. But now I do. I only skimmed his Rolling Stone article and his Dateline interview, so this aggressive marketing worked. This must be why everyone was talking about how much drugs he did with Joe Perry. I’m tellin’ ya …Idol builds and rebuilds empires, my friend. Unless your name is Randy Jackson and even Ryan Seacrest laughs that you don’t have any side projects and has to invent Randy a weekend bake sale. Hey! Don’t judge Randy, dawg. So he’s only making a measly $650,000 a year and producing the occasional horrible song with Paula Abdul …boo …hoo …hoo. Don’t weep for Randy. Don’t pity him. Don’t judge him. And def’ don’t laugh at him. Most of us have no idea how hard Stee-Ty, Ryan, and J-Lo work to keep themselves famous, attractive, and relevant. Randy just shows up every week to say things like “dawg” and “what’s goin’ on dawg” and “he’s in it to win it, dawg!!!” And he makes just a million dollars a year. He’s the one laughing.
The only true surprise was Alaina in the bottom three, but Jimmy Iovine wasn’t surprised. His results night critique of Lauren Alaina was that she short-armed her big note …and I thought I’d heard that, but wasn’t sure she missed it. He scolded her and said she’s scared and the poor girl could barely keep it together. She’s 16. This might be the reason they didn’t want 15 and 16 year olds in prior seasons …because the pressure is unbearable. Rare is the 16-year-old with the D.N.A. to handle something as big as Idol. Even recent phenoms like Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber came up slowly through the ranks, had managers and handlers and image consultants, and each had an army of people propping them up. Lauren Alaina, and all these Idols, are playing bigger rooms and adjusting to a bigger microscope than some artists see in their entire career, and they’re doing it mostly alone and with the advice of their parents …I can’t imagine how destructive it must be. Remember …today is May 5th. As of mid-February, nobody was following Lauren Alaina or Scotty McCreery on Facebook, Twitter, blogs …nobody knew them. In mid-February they each could’ve walked into their local grocery store and just shopped. Now, they’d be mobbed. This happened in less than 90-days (if I’m doing my math correctly). And their reality can only go one of two ways …super stardom or, “wow, what a waste of talent …boy oh boy, did you screw up.”

Gulp! That’s right …I feel bad for Lauren Alaina, yet I lash out at James Durbin. I’m a contradiction.

One final thought on Jacob, and it was his thought …now, having been booted off Idol, he’ll have a better chance of making the type of music he wants to make and should make. If he had won American Idol, they would’ve tried to turn him into Usher or Sean Kingston and it would’ve never worked (see Ruben Studdard). This is better for everyone. Trust me.

Four remain. The Fantastic four. The final four. The quality quadruplits. Lauren needs Tony Robbins to pay her a visit and build up her confidence or something. Yeesh. Come on, Lauren …I’m rootin’ for ya. I’m not shaving my beard until you win or lose. I’m wearing my baseball cap backwards and inside out. You can do this.

See you all next week and thanks for reading.

Oh, and lastly, the always-horrible group-sing was The Turtles “Happy Together” and, for me, I can’t ever hear that song without thinking of It’s Garry Shandlings Show when The Turtles sang his theme song. Here it is. I’m pretty sure it was the episode Garry learned his mother was a go-go dancer in the 60s and there was a topless photo of her in Life magazine or something. I’ll let EJ tell me if I’m right or wong.