Bachelor Pad, Episode 2: Every ‘Erika’ Rose Has it’s Thorns

On Monday night’s Bachelor Pad, Kasey and Vienna threw out some really bold accusations. This is not to say they aren’t true, I think all of them are 100% true… and we’ll get to these accusations in a minute, but first we must address an accusation made last week by my less mature cohort, Don. No, I don’t mean him calling me a “dummy” (although this is also false), I am referring to his blaspheming of my beloved Kirk. Call it poor fact checking or just an attack on me because of my distaste for his precious Gia, but he definitely blamed the whole Melissa drama on the most innocent man in the house. I think we all know the true snake is Kirk’s less freckly doppleganger, Blake. So in case anyone missed last week’s show and was taking Don’s word at face value let me clear up this little misnomer once and for all: Blake made out with Melissa to get the rose not Kirk. Kirk had no time to make out, he was busy partnering with the sweet single mother so that she wouldn‘t be sent home. BIG DIFFERENCE.Now onto truths Vienna and Kasey told us about others, but also could be said about themselves. Classic case of the pot calling the kettle black:

“Melissa wears her emotions out loud too much.” -Vienna

This being said by the girl who had a screaming and crying fight earlier in the episode with her boyfriend, Kasey, over the fact that he thought she was being too ‘nice’ to Jake.“Bat Shit Crazy” -Kasey about Melissa

May I remind you this is the guy who got a tattoo for Bachelorette, Ali, after going on only 2 dates with her.Before all this shit talking went down the start of the episode was less chaotic with an immunity challenge that Jake hoped would utilize his 3 greatest assets: “problem solving” abilities, “physical strength” and “mental durability”. Luckily for him the challenge was synchronized swimming. I would love to sit here and say in Don’s face, ‘girls rule and boys drool‘, but it turns out the guys danced (or shall I say ‘swam‘?) circles around the ladies in this competition. However, at the end of the day, this was an internal competition and not one pitting the girls against the boys. At the end of the day 2 winners were selected (one of each sex) and the crown went to Michelle and Michael.

Michelle’s date was somewhat bland for me. Is it even worth mentioning what 3 guys she took with her? We all knew that the rose was going to Graham regardless. They went wine tasting, she confessed her crush on Graham, and ended by slapping Blake’s (not to be confused with Kirk‘s) hand for dissing Melissa last week.

The award for most exciting date goes to Michael. Their horseback riding date was filled with the stuff that makes great television: there was laughing (for me), crying and of course…… Brett Michaels? Laughing: me at Michael for being stupid enough to invite Vienna on his date who spent the whole time complaining. Crying (ok that was me again) at how genuinely Michael is still in love with Holly. Like when he was talking about how all he can think every time he sees her is how beautiful she looks from dresses at rose ceremony to those PJ’s ‘with the yellow shorts’. My heart literally dropped for him as my mind flashed forward to next episode where she is making out with Blake. Alas we are back to the comic relief when my favorite dating show veteran, Brett Michaels, rolls up in a tour bus to serenade Michael and his rose winner, Holly with none other than the only song anyone remembers by him. Truly my favorite moment of this date was when Holly turned to the camera and squealed “Brett Michaels told me I was beautiful!”. Yes dear, and during an episode of Rock of Love 2 he also told this woman she was beautiful as well:

Back at the Mansions I discover there are 2 more characters I’d like to add to my favorites list: Erica Rose & Jake. Well Erika was already on there, but she keeps getting higher and higher in my book. Why you ask? Because she’s shameless, unapologetic, has an inflated sense of self (couldn’t we all use this?) and is flat out hilarious. All of the above attributes are apparent in the below quotes which I will call ‘the World According to Erika Rose‘:

“ I’m a good kisser. I definitely have good lips that I maintain by getting injections every 6 months.” -Erica after what I suspect was a makeout session ripe with ulterior motives initiated by Jake

“Jake should win on account of the fact that he has such a big package.” -Erica after watching Jake do his synchronized swimming routine

“[he wants it to be] not romantic, just strategical.” -Erica explaining to Melissa how Blake’s is approaching their partnership (I like how Microsoft word tried to autocorrect that for multiple offenses above)

And my favorite…..

“I don’t think Vienna and Kasey are good people. They are all about themselves and not even cute” -Erica

And Jake I just like because he’s intelligent. He’s playing smart and was only one vote shy of taking down the head of this operation – Kasey. Well, Jake ended up going home tonight, but not without a good fight. He never gave up and he got what he really wanted, I believe. Jake, in his own words, to William and Blake, asked, “do you really give a shit about winning $250-Grand?”. Well, they both answered ‘yes‘ and I think they meant it, however, I don’t think Jake did. He’s made enough money with Dancing with the Stars, guest appearances, and tabloid articles for me to know it wasn’t about the money at all; this man got exactly what he came back to get: America’s good graces.

Until next week…. That’s all she wrote….