Bachelor Pad, Episode 2: Sweet & Sour & Iodine Shower

Gia first came into my life two years ago on the Jake Pavelka season of The Bachelor and my life hasn’t been the same since. I remember a pre-Gia world that included war, terrorism, anger in Washington, and high gas prices. In my new Gia-World reality, none of that matters.

But someone recently burst my Gia bubble and then this week, Gia burst my Gia bubble.

These weekly Bachelor Pad columns were supposed to be a team effort between spunkybean’s Stacey and I, but then over the weekend while planning the Bachelor Pad get-together we host every week, a simple disagreement over whether we should provide a few bottles of wine or make the party BYOB turned into chaos when Stacey said this:

“Your precious Gia needs to stop whining and get a day job.  There must be something seriously wrong with her if guys are choosing the undesirable Vienna over her.” -Stacey

I’ve said I’ll never hit a girl (again), but the rest of the spunkybean staff had to restrain me as I jumped out of my chair, closed my eyes tightly, and went at Stacey with both hands wildly waving and hoping to smack her silly.

Needless to say, we’re no longer co-authoring Bachelor Pad recaps because Stacey is obviously out of her mind. She can do whatever she wants with her little fashion stuff.

It’s sort of fitting, I guess, as Bachelor Pad is aligning the boys against the girls, and dudes are using the girls and everyone is lying to everyone, so why should recaps be any less ripe with drama?

Hey, Stacey. How’s JP? Oh, still with Ashley? You’ll never find love, Stacey! EVER!

Monday’s Bachelor Pad got ugly – and when I say “ugly” I don’t mean to say Melissa “The VERY Chatty Waitress” is ugly. The ugliest person (people) continues to be “Horse Face” Vienna and anything and everything that surrounds her. As pathetic as Jake is in trying to mend fence, let bygones be bygones, and move on, and as even more patheticer as Jake is using this third try on TV to get forgiveness from America so he can walk through malls without being heckled and jeered, it’s more pathetic the way Vienna treats him. Jake will win over some of us viewers and he’ll move from the “jerk” category to the “idiot” category, which I’m guessing is much better for reality TV stars.

Vienna on the other hand, and her psyhco boyfriend Kasey, will not be treated so kindly once this show is over. In fact, she might really get destroyed out there in the real world. Kasey will just be laughed at, and then he’ll roid rage and beat someone up, and we’ll all laugh again.

Yes …Kasey definitely took steroids to gain his 30 pounds of muscle. He suuuuure is proud of himself and loves himself these days. It would be good if he had simply overcome whatever insecurities he had and showed the world during the Ali season, but he went from lunatic, shy misfit to hopped-up, lunatic and didn’t bother to enjoy some time as a sane person in a sane world. Now, in his mind, he has a “hot blond girlfriend” so he feels pretty on top of the world.

Man! I soooooo loved when Harrison switched it up and gave all the Men a free pass and it started to f’ up “Horse Face’s” and “Mumble Talker’s” plan. These two can’t seem to figure out who convinced who to come on this show. I’ll tell you what happened – they convinced each other, but neither thinks the other was tricked. Oh, it’s a great way to start a relationship …with blame and resentment.

I like to make fun of Melissa “The Chatty Waitress”, but now I kinda feel sorry for her. She says she’s spent two years dealing with the fall-out from her last experience on The Bachelor and hoped to come on Bachelor Pad and show she’s not bat-shit crazy. Ooops… then she shouldn’t have bawled her eyes out and freaked out about being used. I didn’t think Kirk had it in him.

Sometimes you lady folk are soooooo easy to control with some simple affection thrown your way. And don’t get me wrong …we men folk invented that.

spunkybean’s Stacey and I agree on one thing …Michelle is truly a repentant villain and I’m impressed. During her season and during the Women Tell All, the gals crushed her and she defended herself with the “I’m funny” and “I was being sarcastic” defense and I was like, “sorry, babe …we know you’re evil.” Well, turns out she might really just be way, way cool. I’m thinking she’d be awesome and funny to bump into at a bar and talk Bachelor with. Or she’d laugh at me for being a grown man talking about Bachelor, and I’d be cool with that and I’d still buy her a drink. But I don’t think she’s laugh at me or talk down to me. I think she’s cooler than I gave her credit for (and I hear she wins).

Everyone else is talking about the Jackie & Ames thing and how it’s one of the most romantic things ever… well, it would be if we didn’t also learn Ames is a robot. Did you see how his internal programming short circuited as Jackie was riding away in the limo and he wrestled with what “emotions” were? He’s nothing short of Spock. “What is this ‘love’ you humans speak of?” More, it was the real life version of Wall-E. His programmers got that government grant back in the 80s because they were convinced a human robot could think, learn, and feel but as Ames kept killing his host parents, the U.S. government scrapped the Ames project (Automated Man Emotion System), erased his brain, and he’s been living with Dr. Bartinson, whom Ames calls “Dad”, in hopes someday the U.S. Government would re-institute the A.M.E.S.Project. And now…here he is, on TV, and he can feel. He can love. Just like you and me. It worked. Can you imagine a future world with thinking, feeling, and caring robot humans who we can send deep into space and colonize the furthest parts of the universe?

That’s about it. I’m still reeling from Gia’s inability to handle Kasey telling her that Graham was a snitch. I feel sorta like Gia doesn’t watch much reality TV. And, that maybe she doesn’t remember she was already on this show and this is exactly how this show works. It’s 20 people trying to win money, hook-up, and not get any (more) V.D.s. Either way, the delay in getting my column done is because I told my spunkybean editors that I was quitting …just like Gia. I told them I can’t handle TV any more if Gia won’t be on it. I cried and they asked me if I was sure, and then reminded me coffee isn’t free outside the spunkybean offices, and I said, “OK, I’ll stay.”

So you can read Stacey’s rebuttlal if you want – I won’t because I know it’s dumb and she’s dumb and I don’t read stuff by stupid dummy girls. And next week I’m going to plan my own Bachelor Pad viewing party and Stacey’s not invited and my party will be better than her party, and all our friends are going to have to decide if they are Team Don or Team Dummy (aka Team Stacey).

Thanks for reading. See you next week.