“Animal Control” consisted of three different stories with an overarching theme of attempting to control Ron Swanson, Dennis Feinstein and actual animals running rampant in Pawnee due to incompetent management.  There’s nothing quite like seeing Ron Swanson try to tough out a nasty cold, except hearing his medical history taken.  Or seeing him agonize over eating a banana.  And there’s no person quite like scent artist Dennis Feinstein, creator of such beguiling scents as Spasm, Butterface, Allergic (“Cause a Reaction”), Ooze, Money Shot and Blood Spurt.  Let’s get right to the Best Lines from last week’s Parks and Recreation.

“Welcome to Animal Control, let me show you around.  Those are some chairs, that is a cat; or possum.  Oh this; is a napkin where I wrote down a cool name for a dog.  Bark Obama.” –Harris (played by producer Harris Wittels)

“We found this bird outside,  We tried to turn it into a work whistle, like in the beginning of The Flintstones.  Tougher than it looked though.”–Brett

“We have a massive pest problem in this town.  And it’s because the animal control department has been a disaster.  At catching animals.  They’re great at ingesting and selling marijuana.”–Leslie

“This was one of my running feet!”  — Chris, after stepping in a coyote trap

“Last night I watched a movie with Diane and the girls, in which an orange fish is separated from his father.  The children were sniffling, which I believed to be due to the sad nature of the film.  I was wrong.”-Ron, who now has a terrible cold

“I will be fine.  Please turn the thermostat up to 90 and leave me alone.”–Ron, to Ann, who is insisting he go to the doctor

TOM: “Dennis Feinstein belongs to a new generation of wealth.  Rappers, tech geniuses, X-Game medalists and of course, scent artists.  The man owns a Rolexus.  It’s a Lexus filled with Rolexes.”

BEN: “What’s the point of that?”

TOM: “To have it, which he does.”

“I already took what I call a Dwyer shower; I rubbed my armpits with air fresheners.  New car.”–Andy, getting spiffed up for their meeting with Feinstein

“Animal control has long been a repository for some of this government’s most incompetent employees.  Jerry Gergich got his start there.”–Leslie (following a lot of knowing “Ahhs” from the other city council members)

“Friend of mine.  Bit of an alcoholic, little grabby, either a war hero or a war criminal depending on who you ask, but a good dude.”–Councilman Jamm, on his handpicked replacement for a new head of Animal Control

“This whole place runs on dibs.”–Jamm, giving Leslie the scoop of how appointments of department heads works in Pawnee

“Boring is my middle name.” — Leslie, surprisingly confident in her comeback

“Ron, you redacted all the information…for date of birth you wrote springtime.”–Ann

ANN: “How many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week?”

RON:  “One.”

ANN:  “That’s it? One drink.”

RON:  “One shelf.”

ANN:  “Do you exercise?”

RON:  “Yes, lovemaking and woodworking.”

ANN:  “Do you have any history of mental illness in you family?”

RON:  “I have an uncle who does yoga.”

ANN:  “Allergies?”

RON:  “Cowardice and weak willed men.  And hazelnuts.”

ANN:  “Sexual history?”

RON:  “Epic and private.”

ANN:  “OK, I’m going to go get your doctor.  He’s a rude, brash jerk.  You’ll love him.”

“‘Don’t think about how much this itches’.  Good advice!” — Chris, reading April’s inscription on his cast

“What’s up?  I’m Harris.  I’m 33 years young.  I have my cousin Jason’s truck for two more weeks.  I have one testicle–whack a mole accident–and I’m down to clown.”–Harris

“We’re going out. Let’s scent up!”–Dennis Feinstein

“You’re not even technically qualified to work at your current job.” — Leslie, to Jerry

“The spaying and neutering tools, do you think they fit humans?”–Creepy job applicant

“I studied zoology in college and I can control animals with my mind.”–Oren

“I think you have options.  They’re all terrible, but you have them.”–Chris

“You know they claim smoking is bad for you.  But is there any medical evidence to back that up?”–Dennis Feinstein

“Our healthcare outreach program has reduced pink eye in rural community by 30 percent.  Down to 70 percent.”–Ben, extolling all the good work of the Sweetums Foundation to Dennis, who couldn’t care less

“You guys ever been foxhunting?  I have my own foxes flown in from Russia.  We drug them, pretty heavily, so they can’t get that far.  In fact, mostly they just flop around on the ground.  Makes it easier to  just walk up and “pow!”  Stupid foxes.  It’s deeply erotic.”–Dennis

“He’s not a rack of ribs, so quit… grilling him.  Nailed it.” — Jamm

APRIL: “I don’t like lotion.  I like my hands to be cracked and callused like a railway worker.”

LESLIE: “I know I filled the bottles with fake blood, vinegar and mud.”

“They were still extremely graphic and appreciated by all of us.  I had never heard of several of those terms and I’m a freak.”–Councilman Dexhart, referring to some illicit emails that April sent Andy and the councilmen read

“Let me just say, from the bottom of my heart:  My bad.” — Andy

DENNIS: “Here is a check for $25,000 for your charity.”

BEN: “This check is made out to “Go f*&k yourself!”

DENNIS: “In your face!  Dennis Feinstein helps no man!”

“I’m just sick of being on the losing side.  I’m gonna tell everyone this was my idea.  Retro-Jammed!”–Jamm, after he merely agrees with April’s plan to move animal control under the auspices of the parks department, but still wants to take credit  

We’re not sure how we could have, but did we miss any that made you laugh your butt off? Sound off in the comments!



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