Remember back when we first met Ben Wyatt and learned that he’d bankrupted the town of Partridge, Minnesota by sinking all the town’s money into a winter sports complex called Icetown?   Well, he and Leslie made the trip back there to accept a key to the city that the current mayor (played by J.K. Simmons!) was set to give him.  Unfortunately, poor Ben got kidney stones and was all hopped up on painkillers and Leslie had to cover for him at the ceremony, which was a set-up after all.  Back in Pawnee, Jon Glaser, aka Councilman Jamm, was back, except that it’s because he’s suing Ron Swanson, which is not at all cool!  Let’s get down to the best lines from last night’s Parks & Recreation!

“We should sue Jamm’s parents for spawning a human turdburger.”–April

ANDY: “Let me be your lawyer.  I’ll object to everything anyone says, trial will go on forever, you don’t have to pay, problem solved.”

RON: “That’s a kind offer, Andrew but I won’t be hiring an attorney.  I’ll represent myself, as I do in all legal matters and livestock auctions.

“The nurse still won’t have sex with me and she’s not even queer!”–Jamm, talking about Ann while describing his hatred of the Parks & Rec gang

“My fertility counselor showed me this online quiz that determines whether or not we’d be compatible parents.  If this were the 80s, all we’d have to do is, like, not drop an egg for a whole day.  Stupid internet!”–Ann, anxious about how she and Chris will do on the quiz

“You wanna make a baby, Traeger?  Your hair, my everything else?  That kid would be unstoppable!” Donna, after filling out the compatibility test for fun

“Ronnie, are you kidding me?  I’ve never heard him threaten to hurt anyone or anything, the guy’s like a vegetarian.  Look at him, he’s like a big old soft teddy bear.  His nickname around the office is Softypants McHuggable.”–April

“There’s only one thing that I hate more than lying.  That’s skim milk.  Which is water that’s lying about being milk.”–Ron

“I bought 12 babies and then I immediately abandoned them in a Kroger’s!”–Ann, who wanted to take care of egg babies with Chris

“Sometimes when I blow my nose I get a boner.  I don’t know why, it just happens.  Truth bomb!”–Andy, showing how truthful he is all the time

LESLIE: “The town mascot is here.”

BEN: “Fred the Sled?”

“Ben Wyatt is the best thing to ever come out of this crap town!”–Leslie, stating the obvious

“On the night I punched Councilman Jamm in the face, I warned him several times to back off, and instead he attacked me, twice.  Truthfully, I barely registered his attack.  He’s incredibly frail and his arms are weak.  And when I punched him, he dropped so quickly, I thought he was diving towards the ground.  I regret nothing, the end.”–Ron

“You got jammed by your own team.  Self-Jammed.”–Guess who…Jamm!

“Do you know if one can pay court ordered settlements in gold?”–Ron

I’m feeding your eagle.  He’s starving.”–Ben, answering the mayor of Patridge’s question, while hopped up on pain meds and feeding a metal bird

 Did we miss any of your faves?  Sound off below!
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One Response to Best Lines from Parks and Recreation “Partridge”

  1. Alana says:

    Wow, Ron, like a vegetarian -lol! I didn’t even know that Parks and Recreation had returned until I was leaving my office at DISH yesterday, and overheard someone talking about Ann and Chris’ baby efforts. It’s times like this that I’m so happy that my DISH Hopper is set to record all the primetime shows from the four major networks each night of the week, so I still get to see many of my favorite shows even if I forget to manually record them.

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