Usually we try to have our Parks and Recreation quotes posted the morning after a new episode, but sometimes we get two episodes and that’s just too much awesome to process in a short period of time.  But we’ve gotten our wits about us and we’re ready with the Best Lines from Parks and Recreation – “Article Two” and “Jerry’s Retirement”.

Article Two

This episode will obviously go down as the one where Patton Oswalt did that amazing Star Wars/Marvel Universe filibuster, but it was also just all around hilarious. It makes perfect sense that Pawnee would be a town that would have not updated its antiquated city charter. Having Leslie face off with Oswalt’s Garth in old timey get ups was genius. It was also great seeing Ann and Ben team up to deal with their unique Leslie problem. Plus, April pitting Chris and Ron against each other so she can get out of a management seminar just wrapped the whole thing up with a bow.

“Today is Ted Party Day, where we commemorate the great Pawnee tea dump of 1817. Historical fun fact: When the founding fathers wrote the charter, their old-timey script made one of the a’s look like a d. So ‘Tea’ became ‘Ted’. It’s just one of those little things that reminds us of Pawnee’s rich and vibrant past. Plus, we get to go find a guy named Ted and throw him in the lake.” — Leslie

“You, a woman, just raised your voice to a land-owning male. According to a Pawnee statute passed in 1868, I get to do this. (breaks an egg on Leslie’s forehead)” — Ted, exploiting outdated laws

“You have qualified for the Chris Traeger Management Trainer Seminar, or CTMTS. It’s not a great acronym, but it is a great seminar.” — Chris

“Normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I would do something if it helped someone do nothing. I’d work all night if it meant nothing got done.” – Ron Swanson

“What are you bidding on? It better not be Terence Howard’s tank top from Hustle and Flow.” — Donna, to Ann

“Let the filibustering begin! I would now like to share some ideas I have for J.J. Abrams’ seventh chapter in the Star Wars saga…” — Garth Blundin (Patton Oswalt)

“You start by casually repealing a couple of old laws and the next thing you know, your jackbooted stormtroopers are kicking in my door and arresting my wife for no reason if I were married.” — Garth

GARTH: “Big deal. You put on a costume for a couple of hours? By that logic, every time I go to bed at night, I am Wolverine.”

LESLIE: “You bought X-Men pajamas?”

GARTH: “I won them, madam. In a raffle.”

“Our founding fathers were brilliant and courageous, but they also had wooden teeth and pooped in holes in the ground.” — Leslie

ANN: “Stop bidding on my waffle iron!”

BEN: “You’re FutureMrsTigerWoods?”

ANN: “I made that profile ten years ago. I don’t know how to change it.”

“Imagine being married to her. It’s like being smothered with a hand-quilted pillow filled with cherished memories.” — Ben

ANN (on the Leslie breakfast doll): “What should I do with this?”

BEN:  “Uh, just burn it, and bury the ashes, and pray it doesn’t haunt you.”

“There are only three ways to motivate people: Money, fear, and hunger.” — Ron

“You’re not being very inclusive, Chris. I feel like my input isn’t being appreciated. You killed my spirit. My spirit blood is on your hand.” — April

“I don’t want to seem overdramatic, but this is literally a battle for April’s soul.” — Chris

“I don’t want to seem overdramatic, but I don’t really care what happens here.” — Ron

“Old things are dumb. It’s like – just be new.” — Tom

“One time my refrigerator stopped working – I didn’t know what to do. I just moved.” — Tom

“All my favorite foods have butter. Pancakes, toast, popcorn, grapes… (gasps) Butter is my favorite food!” — Andy

“Let’s not read anything – that’s an invasion of his privacy. Let’s just look at his browser history, and in his inbox and his outbox and his Facebook page.” — Leslie, checking Garth’s phone

“He hasn’t gotten an email in… 12 days! Is he a ghost? The only one he gets are spam — and he responds to them! I think I’m gonna be sick!”–Tom

“It’s my favorite kind of battle. Two men enter! One me leaves!” — April

Jerry’s Retirement

What? Jerry Gergich is leaving the Parks department? Clearly, this couldn’t stand, but it was fun imagining what the gang would do without its usual whipping boy. Leslie and Ben gave up their casual day off to give him a proper send off, which included visiting the grave of a former Pawnee mayor. Tom got a glimpse of his potential future and Chris and Ann might just end up making a baby the old fashioned way.

“Every memory deserves to be chronicled. Even the saggy ones.” — Leslie, on her sex ed for seniors folder

“As much as we want this to happen, we can’t just let Jerry disappear!” — Leslie

“Well, Jerry was never the type to rise above mediocrity… or to it.”–Ben

LESLIE: “You know, I’m not really into breakfast foods.”

JERRY: “Really? Your purse is shaped like a waffle.”

“I go in alone, with this pornographic disc, and I do it myself. And you stand here, and try not to think about what I’m doing in there. And I try not to think about you waiting out here trying not to think about me. Should I think about you?” — Chris to Ann, as he prepares to get his sample at the fertility clinic

“It’s all right. I mean, after you fell asleep making Jerry’s scrapbook, I went back to Season One of Fringe to check for plot holes. As I suspected: airtight.”–Ben

APRIL: “Torturing Jerry was my favorite thing in the world. After making out with you.”

ANDY: “Remember when we did both at the same time? It made him so uncomfortable!”

“1, 3, 7, 2, 5, 9. Sudoku is easy! Are there even rules to this game?” — Andy

“This is how it begins. The next Jerry. One screwed up sentence, and 30 years later I’m wearing aquamarine sweater-vests and listening to Bonnie Raitt and The Da Vinci Code on my iPod,” and later, “All right, I’m gonna go buy some sweatpants and a Nicholas Sparks novel. Might as well lean into it.”–Tom

BEN: “So, was he, like, a really great mayor?”

LESLIE: “No, not really. He resigned because of corruption and racketeering. Then he died from an overdose of pills. But actually, his real cause of death was being thrown out of a helicopter while handcuffed. Some people say he’s still alive because they never found the body, but they never found the body because he exploded on impact.”

BEN: “Sounds like a good dude.”

RON: “Why on earth would I get an intern?”

TOM: “Interns cost nothing to the taxpayer. And more importantly, they’re usually stupid and terrible. They get no work done. It’s like having a Jerry you don’t have to pay.”

RON: “Damn, son. That is one compelling argument.”

“Jerry will come in once a week, and everyone will get to watch him eat, and talk to him about anything he might do or say or fart.”–Ron

TOM: “Ron, ask me if I’m sad.”

RON: “No.”

“Tom can take care of himself, he’s a grown man. Well, half-grown. He does have a business where he rents out his clothes to twelve-year-olds.” — Ron

“Eggs, Bacon, and Toast / Eggs, Bacon, and Toast / Why don’t you start your day / the Gergich way / with Eggs, Bacon, and Toast” — The Gergich breakfast song

“Goodbye, Ann Perkins, my excellent employee. Hello, Ann Perkins, my fallopian princess!”–Chris

“While you were with Jerry, did you get happen to get any information about his history with Gayle? Like, was she a Russian spy and the KGB forced her to marry Jerry as her cover?” — Ben

Any favorites that we missed?  Let us know!

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