We spend all week collecting the best in TV quotes.  Literally, that’s all we did the entire week.  Pets have gone hungry!  But it’s all worth it, because we’ve got a bang-up list that includes an appearance from one Mr. Shaquille O’Neal.  It’s what we’ve trained for all these years!

“So who’s in charge now?  I need to know who to ignore.” — The Doctor, Doctor Who


THE DOCTOR:  “They’re ghosts!”

CLARA:  “You said there was no such thing!  You actually pooh-poohed the ghost theory”

THE DOCTOR:  “Yes, well.  There was no such thing as socks or smartphones or badgers, until there were.” — Doctor Who


“Surely just being around me makes you clever by osmosis.” — The Doctor, Doctor Who


JOHN:  (explaining why he went to jail) “Attempted murder.”

KEVIN:  “What happened?”

JOHN:  “Didn’t try hard enough.” — The Leftovers


“You know I’m an orphan too, Bruce.  I killed my parents, though.” — Jerome Valeska to Bruce Wayne, Gotham


“It’s about to get very butler-brainy up here.” — Jerome threatening Alfred, Gotham


PEPE:  “So you’re telling me that the President doesn’t live in the Wide House?”

GONZO:  “Listen.  We might not be the guys to write political humor.” — The Muppets


“Ooh, charred and moist!  Like Satan’s burps!” — Homer Simpson, The Simpsons


“He’s meeting with someone!  That’s always a sign of guilt.” — Bart Simpson, The Simpsons


“Weddings are basically funerals with cake.” — Rick, Rick and Morty


ALIEN PRISONER:  “What are you in for?”

RICK:  “Everything.” — Rick and Morty


“In case you missed it, a viewer recently asked me to kill someone.  And now a man is dead.” — Forrest MacNeil, Review


“You certainly learn a lot about a person when you ransack their office.” — Forrest MacNeil, Review


“It’s always nice to hear that you’re not the target of a murder plot, but I no longer had an easy explanation for my miseries.” — Forrest MacNeil, Review


JAKE:  “He’s the worst captain we’ve ever had!  He drew boobies on my bulletproof vest!”

ROSA:  “He stared at me for ninety seconds while he ate an entire peach.”

AMY:  “He heard that I spoke Spanish and made me fire his housekeeper.  She was Polish!” — Brooklyn Nine-Nine


“Be respectful and grieve your asses off.” — Terry giving orders at a funeral, Brooklyn Nine-Nine


“Everyone I work with is a stupid face.  Especially Bryce.” — Ray Holt, Brooklyn Nine-Nine


ELLIE:  “Does the bullying stop when you grow up?”

KEVIN:  “Yes… unless you join a fantasy football league.” — The League


“Hey, if you don’t want me to find something, don’t leave it just sitting there in the middle of the garbage.” — Taco, The League


LOUIS:  “You look a lot… bigger in person.”

SHAQUILLE O’NEAL:  “Wait ‘till you see Charles Barkley’s fat ass.  I just have to skip third lunch, I’ll snap right back into shape.” — Fresh Off the Boat


“Hospitals are dangerous. That’s why I have a concierge doctor who comes to the house every couple years and swaps out my kidneys.  You’re only as old as your organs, Dre, and right now I am drunk teen motorcyclist years old.”–Mr. Stevens (Dre’s boss) on Black-ish


PHIL:  “Where were you?”

CAROL:  “Right where you left me, at the Emco station.”

PHIL:  “You mean Speedy Pump.”

CAROL:  “I was there for a week.  It was definitely an Emco.”

PHIL:  “It wasn’t.” — The Last Man on Earth


“You little skunk.  You just lifted up your skunk tail and sprayed with the sweet scent of selflessness.” — Carol to Phil, The Last Man on Earth

Any more to add?  Let us know in the comments!

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