We’ve got TV quotes!  We usually present the Best TV Quotes of the Week, but sometimes we forget and then you get the Best TV Quotes of the Last Two Weeks.  That means even more quotes for the same low price.  When you think spunkybean, think savings!

“I studied the human concept of friends.  I even watched all ten seasons of the show Friends.  Boy, those friends really were friends, weren’t they?  Although, and I realize this is the kind of revelation that would only occur to the mind of an eternal being, how did they afford that apartment?” — Michael, The Good Place

 

“She’s so pretty, like Nala from The Lion King.  And so smart, like…. like Nala from The Lion King.” — Jianyu on Tahani, The Good Place

 

JIANYU:  “Do I talk or not talk?  Do I be nice to Tahani or do I throw her jewelry in the toilet?”

CHIDI:  “That’s the opposite of being nice?” — The Good Place

 

“I used to think the scary part of getting older was dying; it turns out the scary part of getting older is young people.” — Sam Fox, Better Things

 

WINSTON:”That’s a pretty color.”

SCHMIDT: “Yes it is…for a third world doctor’s office!”–reacting to the color Cece wants to paint their bathroom on New Girl

 

“You are a gentleman, but with just the right amount of a bastard.” — Paget Brewster to Derek Waters, Drunk History

 

“I found it very fortuitous you turned up when you did with that bazooka.” — Alfred to Penguin, Gotham

 

“This is my party.  It’s for young, hip people.  Not old guys who smell like soup.” — Ash to his dad, Ash vs. Evil Dead

 

“Who needs a comforter?  If we get cold, we’ll start an apartment fire.” — Zorn, Son of Zorn

 

“This almost feels like a real room, right?  It’s crazy to think that the previous occupant died under a mountain of Lane Bryant catalogs in here.” — Zorn, Son of Zorn

 

“How could Pat be alive?  I did all the tests – the breathing test, the tickling test, the kicking test.  They all came back positive for death.” — Tandy, The Last Man on Earth

 

“Do you want us to boo throughout your little speech or should we hold our boos to the end?” — Gail to Tandy, The Last Man on Earth

 

“I will slit you both open from mouth to anus and wear you like jackets.”  Holt to Jake and Amy, Brooklyn Nine-Nine

 

BOYLE:  “I feel so used!  Am I just a piece of meat to you?”

HOLT:  “Yes, you are.  Now get out there and put on a smile, pork chop.” — Brooklyn Nine-Nine

 

“Who hired you?  Who do you work for, PIZZA MAN?” — Holt interrogating a deliveryman, Brooklyn Nine-Nine

 

“Gina!  Of course!  It all makes sense except for the parts I don’t understand and I still kinda think Terry did this.” — Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine

 

CHET:  “There’s a shotgun in my back seat.”

ASH:  “Yeah, that’s mine.”

CHET:  “What’s it for?”

ASH:  “…ice sculptures.”

CHET:  “There’s a shotgun, too.”

ASH:  “Also mine.”

CHET:  “What’s that for?”

ASH:  “In case they don’t pay for the ice sculptures.” — Ash vs. Evil Dead

 

GORDON:  “I’m happy.”

VAL:  “Of course you are.  You get to drink scotch all day and have sex with me.” — Gotham

 

“If they don’t like you, wait for them to turn their backs and push them down the stairs.” — Oswald Cobblepot giving a child advice, Gotham

 

“How come they call it a high-five when we only have four fingers?” — Lenny, The Simpsons

 

“There’s an old Chinese proverb:  Lies are like tigers.  They are bad.” — Chidi, The Good Place

 

“Why do bad things always happen to mediocre people who are lying about their identity?” — Eleanor, The Good Place

 

“I don’t need this watch.  The show is called Jon Glaser Loves Gear and I love this watch.” — Jon Glaser, Jon Glaser Loves Gear

 

“I’m gonna go to the library to research witches and bread.” — Tina Belcher, Bob’s Burgers

 

“I wouldn’t kill a spider either!  Because they’re reincarnated wizards!” — Zorn, Son of Zorn

 

Any more to add?  Let us know in the comments!

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