For your consideration, we’ve got a fistful of TV quotes.  And we might even throw in a few quotes more.  Are we trying to alter the titles of Clint Eastwood westerns to make them about TV quotes?  Yes.  Yes we are.  Just call us… Quotelaw Josie Wales?  Does that work?  Oh, wait!  Outlaw Quotesie Wales works much better!  

“I’m beautiful but tough.  Like a diamond.  Or beef jerky in a wedding dress.” — Titus Andromedon, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt


JACQUELINE:  “My husband Julian is flying into London for the party.”

KIMMY:  “That was the fanciest sentence I’ve ever heard, and I used to watch Frasier.” — Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt


“When you’re accused of sleep-related crimes, you may not want to issue your statement while wearing pajamas.” — Larry Wilmore on Bill Cosby, The Nightly Show


“Why are our plans always so complicated?  You’re like Wile E. Coyote with access to predator drones.” — Lana to Slater, Archer


SLATER:  “Let me see what we’ve got on the other cameras.”

KRIEGER:  “Bathroom 1…. Bathroom 2…. Bathroom 3…. Bathroom 4….Bathroom 5….”

SLATER:  “Are all the cameras in bathrooms?”
KRIEGER:  “No, just my faves.” — Archer


ARCHER:  “Pam, I think you might be my best friend.”

PAM:  “You’re my best friend!”

ARCHER:  “What about Cheryl?”

PAM:  “You’re my second best friend!…. I thought by now I’d be doing a lot better in the friend department.”

ARCHER:  “I thought by now I’d be dead.”

PAM:  “Day’s not over.” — Archer


COP:  “You look like Matlock.”

JIMMY:  “No, I look like a young Paul Newman dressed as Matlock.” — Better Call Saul


“I made him lesser.  I made him like me.  And the bastards killed him anyway.” — Mike Ehrmantraut on his son, Better Call Saul


“What’s more painful?  Having your foot run over by Britney Spears or taking a good hard look at your life?” — Triumph to a celebrity photographer, The Jack and Triumph Show


RAYLAN:  (Identifying a lead) “Zachariah Randolph.”

TIM:  “Let me guess.  Local boy.  How come no one down here is ever named Steve or Justin?” — Justified


ZACHARIAH:  “Look here, I didn’t have no dealings with your daddy and with all due respect to your time on the Earth, I don’t want no dealings with you neither.”

RAYLAN:  “Eh.  Most people don’t.” — Justified


RAYLAN:  “I gotta admit, there’s a small part of me that’s gonna miss this when it’s over.”

BOYD:  “Well, don’t eulogize the past till the future gets its turn.” — Justified


WALKER:  “It’s bullsh*t!  You shout me in the back!”

RAYLAN:  “You wanted to get hit in the front, you shoulda run toward me.” — Justified


“My God, how old was Father Francis?  Was he Jesus’ roommate?”–Mindy, upon seeing the picture of Danny’s recently deceased priest on The Mindy Project


“Mindy, thanks again for having me for dinner.  The nun who usually cooks for me is blind, so I end up eating a lot of candlewax.”–Father Michael (Stephen Colbert) on The Mindy Project


A Chinese boy with Jewish parents…the world’s an amazing place.”–Jessica, who is thrilled there’s another “good Chinese boy” in school with Eddie on Fresh Off the Boat


“I’m not heroic like Arnold Schwarzenegger in True Lies!  Or Tom Arnold in True Lies!  Or even in Roseanne!” — Gene Belcher, Bob’s Burgers


“You can’t judge a book by its cover, but you can judge it by its back cover.” — Linda, Bob’s Burgers


BOB:  “Now, how about we go inside and ice my butt?”

GENE:  “I wonder how many other dads are saying that to their sons right now.  I bet a lot.” — Bob’s Burgers


“You never lock the gates, unlike my favorite tenant Marc.” — IFC landlord Mr. Stingey, Comedy Bang! Bang!


“I hope you packed your bags for everywhere because your flattery is getting you there.” — Scott Aukerman to Reggie, Comedy Bang! Bang!


“We’re gonna go out to dinner tonight, maybe take a walk through the park.  Possibly a carriage ride.  If I get chilly he can loan me his coat… I’m describing a date.  I don’t know what fathers and sons do.  But I’m gonna find out!” — Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine


“For some reason, all the fries and gravy and cheese upset my tummy.” — Scully, Brooklyn Nine-Nine


“I’m the kind of gal who tries to make the best of things.  And since meatballs will never ever exist again, I said ‘Carol, get your hands up, grab some raisins, any you smash ‘em into a ball, girl’.” — Carol, The Last Man on Earth


“I’m famished.  After doing the nasty, I have to have some beans.” — Carol, The Last Man on Earth


“I thought this whole marriage thing would be an absolute disaster.  But I gotta say, it’s surprisingly tolerable.” — Phil Miller, The Last Man on Earth
Any more to add?  Let us know in the comments!


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