We took a couple of weeks off, but we’re back with the Best TV Quotes of the Week.  Heck, we’ve actually got quotes from last week, too.  It’s a backlog of delight.  Get ready to jump in, you mad, impetuous fools!

“Does this school have the death penalty?” — Mr. Ambrose, Bob’s Burgers

 

“Replace all the shoes in his house with shoes one size smaller.  We Amelie the guy!” — Teddy’s revenge plan, Bob’s Burgers

 

“Who’s Miss Twitchell to accuse me of giving up when things get hard.  She’s the divorcee, not me.  Not yet.” — Gene, Bob’s Burgers

 

“Look, I’ll go in your garage but only if you give me a knife.  Because if you try anything, I am going to stab you.” — Chris, Making History

 

“It’s a time machine.  I go to the past every weekend and sometimes on Tuesdays.” — Dan, Making History

 

“In the 1700s, ham was pretty much like diamond-covered heroin.” — Dan, Making History

 

“To honor William, we’re re-creating his perfect day.  We’ll start with breakfast.  And don’t forget to take his pills.”–Annie and Tess, honoring their grandfather’s memory on This Is Us

 

PAMELA:  “This place is a pigsty.  Where in the hell is Christina?”

BENJAMIN:  “Oh, that reminds me.  Christina texted.  She died.” — The Last Man on Earth

 

“That’s enough for today.  But mark my words, you will talk.” — Pamela to her dog, The Last Man on Earth

 

“It’s a long shot, but we’re all out of short shots, bud.” — Tandy to Lewis, The Last Man on Earth

 

“Trump is not clamoring to put his name on this bill, and he has put his name on some of the sh*ttiest products in human history…. He even slapped his first and last names on Donald Trump Jr., a man who looks like a six-year-old’s drawing of a mean bank teller.” — John Oliver, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver

 

“I think something is going on with Cody and Logan.  They’re not speaking in unison as much as they used to.” — Martha, Baskets

 

“Have you ever heard of a band called the Sneaker Pimps?  Because I haven’t.” — Chip Baskets, Baskets

 

“Fifty years have passed, but I do not age.  Time has lost its effect on me, but the suffering continues.  Aku’s grasp chokes the past, present, and future.  All hope is lost.  Got to get back.  Back to the past, Samurai Jack.” — Jack, Samurai Jack

 

“Have you guys noticed the door in the hall?  It’s not…. always there.” — Syd, Legion

“All you gotta do is keep out of trouble and not piss on anyone’s head.  Can you handle that?” — Florida Grange to Leonard, Hap and Leonard: Mucho Mojo

 

“Nobody eats like this – only czars!” – Alexei Morozov on the wonders of Bennigan’s, The Americans

 

PRIEST:  “What made you stop… helping people?”

ODI:  “Principally, their deaths.” — Humans

 

Any more to add?  Let us know in the comments!

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