As we wrap up a week of TV viewing, that means we’re also wrapping up a week of TV quotes.  We spent all week watching TV with little notepads in hand, keeping track of our favorite quotes.  Then, after deciphering our frankly terrible handwriting, we typed them up and put them on the Internet.  For you!

“Why do you have two jackets?  Is one of them faulty?” — The Doctor to Clara, Doctor Who

 

THE DOCTOR:  “Can’t you read?…. It says ‘Keep Out’.”

COURTNEY:  “No, it says ‘Go Away, Humans’.”

THE DOCTOR:  “So it does.  Never lose your temper in the middle of a door sign.” — Doctor Who

 

“Human beings have incredibly short lifespans.  Frankly, you should always be in a permanent state of panic.  Tick tock.” — The Doctor, Doctor Who

 

“I understand her vibe.  I understand the surrealism.  I get it.  But independent of all that, it’s butt-ugly.” — Tim Gunn critiquing a design, Project Runway

 

“Nobody warned me that this roast would treat me the same way as every roast I’ve seen and laughed at!” — Krusty the Klown, The Simpsons

 

JAKE:  “So, Joe Uterus.  What did he do?”

SANTIAGO:  “He killed a bunch of stray dogs.”

JAKE:  “The name’s funnier than the story.” — Brooklyn Nine-Nine

 

“Every time you talk, I hear that sound that plays when Pac-Man dies.” — Gina to Boyle, Brooklyn Nine-Nine

 

“I need to commandeer one of these planes.  What’s the easiest one for a complete beginner to fly?” — Jake Perala, Brooklyn Nine-Nine

 

“Nolan was wrong.  You don’t look anything like a stripper.”–Emily Thorne upon seeing bar owner Jack Porter, who is now a police officer, in uniform for the first time on Revenge

 

EMMA: “You want to go home and see what’s on Netflix?”

KILLIAN (aka Captain Hook): “I don’t know what that is, but sure.”–Once Upon A Time

 

“I saw Spaceballs before I saw Star Wars.  I was born in 1983.  To me, Star Wars is just an unfunny Spaceballs.”–new SNL Weekend Update anchor Michael Che, being interviewed on Late Night with Seth Meyers

 

“I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching.  Like an assload of soul searching.” — Peter, The Mindy Project

 

BULLOCK:  “We give this bum three hours, and then we knock off.”

GORDON:  “He was a vet.”

BULLOCK:  “I salute his service.  Now he’s a dead bum.” — Gotham

 

“If I had a mommy fetish, I’d be hooking up with some psycho dominatrix.” — Jax Teller to his mother, Sons of Anarchy

 

“Girls don’t like eating, man!  They like to sit in boiling hot water.” — Russell, The League

 

“Legally, I’m not allowed to call these ‘pants’.  They’re a ‘trouser-cut stocking’.” — November, The League

 

“I’m sorry we’re late.  We saw Seal at the airport.  Talked to him for twenty minutes, got his autograph.  It wasn’t him.” — Bob Day, New Girl

 

JEREMY:  “I can’t go back to England.  I’ve forgotten all the words!  How do the English say ‘elevator’?  ‘Lof’?  ‘Blift’?”

(later)

MORGAN:  “I had to take the stairs.  You guys know the blift is broken?” — The Mindy Project

 

“I don’t even know what gluten is, but I want Martha to know that I do miss it.”–Sarah Braverman, as she eats the Martha Stewart gluten-free fruit tart her sister made for their dad’s birthday on Parenthood

Any more to add?  Let us know in the comments!

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