Every week, we struggle to come up with an introduction for our collection of TV quotes. We’ve looked into getting an intern just to handle this task, but that’s still pending. But this week, we have the most quotes we’ve ever crammed into this feature, so we’ll just get to it.
“Face it, Tom. Acting is just yelling for money.” — Steve Martin to Tom Hanks, Saturday Night Live
“Lorne Michaels has been my friend for forty years now, and yet I have hosted the show just once. You know who else has hosted the show just once? Robert Blake.” — Martin Short, Saturday Night Live
“Hey. We were having a perfectly lovely evening. I am not the one who wanted to go out searching for satanist hatchets.” James Gordon to Leigh, Gotham
“She’s what you call a party girl. Bank in the morning with her knickers in her handbag, sure as eggs.” — The Ringmaster coining our new favorite phrase, Gotham
“It’s this crazy statue of this giant monster sitting on a chair that represents all of America’s enemies.” — Johnny Karate describing the Lincoln Memorial, Parks and Recreation
“Hire Very Good Building Company for your construction needs. Or do not. I am not a beggar. (15 seconds of silence) End of commercial.” — Ron Swanson advertising his business, Parks and Recreation
“What better place to ask a woman to marry you than an old man’s public memorial?” — Leslie Knope encouraging Tom to propose, Parks and Recreation
“Please talk more about how much you hate Europe and bicycles.” — Ron Swanson to Typhoon, Parks and Recreation
“This might not be the right time to say this, but should we take a straw poll on this whole Cosby thing?” — Winston, New Girl
“This is very hard to watch. It’s like when Bob Costas had that eye infection at the Olympics.”–Schmidt, watching Cece awkwardly interact with her high school crush on New Girl
NICK: “You know what the problem with Jordan Catalano is?”
JESS: “Yeah, an undiagnossed learning disability!”–Jess and Nick discussing Jess’ childhood doppleganger, New Girl
“I got a badge. And I got balls like Death Stars.” — Constable Bob (Patton Oswalt), Justified
WYNN: “I’m pretty sure ‘aplex’ isn’t a word.”
MIKEY: “Of course it is. ‘I don’t like that guy. He aplexes me.” — Justified
“Danny is not dying. He’s the healthiest person I know. His favorite junk food is raisins.”–Jeremy on Mindy Project
JESSICA: “Eddie, what’s the thing you always say that the fat brown man says?”
EDDIE: “Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems?”
JESSICA: “Yes, that.”–Fresh Off the Boat
“Okay, where to start… This will sound crazy, but it’s way better than video games. You know how sneezes feel really satisfying in a weird way? [time lapse] Stay away from Arkansas, they outlawed all the fun stuff. [time lapse] Spring Break, my God… I am so excited for you. I might come with! [time lapse] That’s a great question, I say you burn maybe about 200 calories? [time lapse] If you pretend like you have a bad back, you don’t have to do so much work! [time lapse] Three words: Old. National. Geographic. [time lapse] I like having the lights out so I can pretend that we’re in a castle. [time lapse] You know, a hot tub always seems like a good idea, but actually it’s quite painful. [time lapse] These are not the type of crabs Maryland is known for. [time lapse] And most importantly, like we always say during the SNL monologue when a musician hosts: Wrap it up.”–Louis (Eddie’s Dad) giving him the sex talk on Fresh Off the Boat
“You didn’t do the sex robot voice, did you?” — Kim , Better Call Saul
“Only two things I know about Albuquerque: Bugs Bunny should’ve taken a left turn there; and give me a hundred tries, I’ll never be able to spell it.” — Jimmy McGill, Better Call Saul
LANA: “Have you at least baby-proofed this place?”
ARCHER: “It’s not like a baby could hurt anything.” — Archer
“Can’t we have one poker night without a hate crime?” — Cyril Figgis, Archer
“Pretty much my whole life, pretty much right up to this minute, me default setting has been half-assed. But that was before I had a child. A child you threatened to harm…. So imagine as I literally beat you to death.. hang on, yeah, literally, imagine that a giant hand has turned my dial from half-assed to quadruple assed.” — Sterling Archer, Archer
“Valentine’s Day is totally a corporate holiday. Which does show you accurately how much you’re loved by others.” — Jack Antonoff, Comedy Bang! Bang!
“Sorry I’m late. I just had a realization that I’m never gonna find true love.” — Reggie Watts, Comedy Bang! Bang!
“Even a little bit of wetness in the first greeting is too much wet.” — Miss Polite, Comedy Bang! Bang!
“If you love someone, you’ll remember what they look like.” — Captain Holt banning photos from squadroom desks, Brooklyn Nine-Nine
KEVIN: “This is where Raymond eats breakfast every morning.”
JAKE: “I know. He’s always raving about how they don’t have specials.” — Brooklyn Nine-Nine
“Which game is chess again? The one with the checkers?” — Gene Belcher, Bob’s Burgers
“We’re two guys with tools we love, makin’ it happen!” — Teddy, Bob’s Burgers
Any more to add? Let us know in the comments!