Hello.  Do you enjoy TV quotes?  Like, for example, if two people compiled a list of the best TV shows every week, is that something you’d be interested in reading?  And did we mention it’s free?  Yeah, that’s what we thought.  Read on, new friends!

 

“You’ll need a Chris Pratt type.  I’ll do it if I have to.  I can slouch.” — Jeff Winger, Community

 

“Harvey, I’m about to violate departmental policy on interrogation techniques.” — Jim Gordon, Gotham

 

“Technically, I can’t force you.  But I can do a morning announcement that will make everybody hate you forever…” — Dean Pelton to Abed, Community

 

JEFF:  “Why am I wearing a blouse?  It’s sci-fi.  It doesn’t matter.”

ABED:  “Please don’t say that.  I know you don’t mean that.” — Community

 

“It’s okay to plan some stuff, and it’s okay to figure out what we did wrong.  But our plans are randomly gonna fall apart and our lessons are randomly gonna be wrong, and if we just keep the cameras rolling and shoot a lot of crap, eventually Annie is gonna reach down her shirt and pull out a laser bomb.  I didn’t write that.  We didn’t plan that.  God made that happen.” — Abed, Community

 

“I’ve arranged for a meeting with the headmaster, and I’d like you to accompany me to show we’re in this together.  If nothing else.” — Trudy Campbell, Mad Men

 

DON:  “How do I describe California in a way that doesn’t make them jealous?”

TED:  “Tell them my ex-wife lives there.” — Mad Men

 

PETE:  “I just talked Secor Laxatives into joining us.”

DON:  “Were they difficult to move?”

PETE:  “All I had to do was not make that joke.” — Mad Men

 

“What’s the proper way to address you, Queen Mother or Dowager Queen?”  Margaery to Cersei, Game of Thrones

 

“Someone who inspires priests and whores is worth taking seriously.”  Varys, Game of Thrones

 

“This is how a comedian lives.  Pretty nice.  (pause)  I was being sarcastic.” — Lenny to Louie, Louie

 

“When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.” — Louis C.K., Louie

 

SCOTT:  “Very good, old chum.  You moved the castle-y thing to in front of my crown lady.”

REGGIE:  “I did it so I could prevent you from getting my horse guy.  I just love him because he’s got a horse.” — Comedy Bang! Bang!

 

“You are making me so bummed for your life right now.” — Reggie to the Quizzler, Comedy Bang! Bang!

 

“I can’t tell if they’re helping or hurting us out there, but I think hurting.” — Bob on the kids’ musical performance, Bob’s Burgers

 

“Is that one of those improv troupes?  My cousin was kidnapped by one of them.” — Jocelyn, Bob’s Burgers

 

“You know how when you only know one key and the other people wanna play in different keys, and you’re like ‘what’s a key’?” — Gene describing band practice, Bob’s Burgers

 

“I was out getting him some healing broth.  I was torn between chicken or beef, but then it hit me: goat.” — Boyle helping Jake out, Brooklyn Nine-Nine

 

HOLT:  “We’d better keep it impersonal.  Acceptable topics include: what constitutes a grain, the Hubble space telescope, orchid varietals, the birth of the transistor…”

DIAZ:  “We only have to fill eight minutes.”

HOLT:  “Sure, but think it about as 480 seconds and you’ll see why I’m concerned.” — Brooklyn Nine-Nine

 

“I wasn’t hurt that badly.  The doctor said all my bleeding was internal – that’s where the blood is supposed to be!” — Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine

 

“I know it’s not gonna win any penis awards.  But there aren’t penis awards, so whatever.” — Phil “Tandy” Miller showing off for his imaginary friends, The Last Man on Earth

 

“I played with the colors and changed the lighting, but I could only make your kids so cute and no cuter.” — Moe developing a roll of film for Marge, The Simpsons

 

“You don’t want to look at me?  Fine, don’t look at me.  But I know that 99% of the rest are gonna love me.” — Maks Chmekovskiy in his 2005 audition video, Dancing with the Stars

 

“All of a sudden, I’m 22 years young and I’m worth $1.2B.  Now, a couple decades later I’m worth 1.4.  You do the math.” — Russ Haneman, Silicon Valley

 

“Well, he’s the worst man in America.  And now he owns us.” — Dinesh on Russ, Silicon Valley

 

Any more to add?  Let us know in the comments!

 

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