We have the best TV quotes of the week!  It’s always tough to write introductions for this feature, and sometimes we long for the days of Quote-Bot.  But we can never go back.  We have learned from our hubris.  But what if we haven’t?

“Set the grounded z-pulse through the electrical then run diagnostics on the echo.  Configure the kickback waves to resonate at that frequency.  Let’s make him eat his own farts.” — Pete White, Venture Bros.


“Where am I?  Hell?  Or a children’s TV show that takes place in Hell?” — Pirate Captain, Venture Bros.


  1. VENTURE:  “Is that his name?  Just ‘Pirate’?”

HANK:  “Right?  Oh!  Can we name him?  I think Sir Reginald Von PirateGuy is cool.”

DEAN:  “He’s not a pet pirate!” — Venture Bros.


“You move like a thin guy.  But you’re not  You’re beefy.” — The Monarch to 21, Venture Bros.


“Now here’s the part where I’m supposed to say we have a great show for you tonight.  I can’t say that.  I don’t know if it’s a ‘great’ show.  Why raise expectations?  What I should say is the show’s so-so.  Then if it’s good, you get to be surprised.” — Larry David, Saturday Night Live


“You spent the summer of 2003 at the MTV Beach House.  I spent that same summer watching Felicity on VHS and recording a fake radio show where I reviewed snacks.”–Schmidt to CeCe,

New Girl


GINA: “I once saw you use a ruler to measure another ruler.”

CAPTAIN HOLT: “It was off by half a centimeter.  It should never have been in circulation.” —Brooklyn Nine Nine


“You have a 2:30 meeting with small-head-big-body.  I didn’t get his name.” — Gina, Brooklyn Nine-Nine


MULDER:  “I don’t do stairs anymore.”

SCULLY:  “Mulder, back in the day I used to do stairs in three-inch heels.” — The X-Files


“First off:  How?  Why?  Who?  Reporter questions.” — Paul F. Tompkins, No, You Shut Up


“Is Bob Barker still alive?  If so, good.  If not, maybe he faked his own death so he could quietly roam the countryside spaying and neutering pets.  Like a kind of Johnny Appleseed of genital mutilation of animals.” — PFT, No, You Shut Up


“I don’t want to judge anyone but you’re all terrible.  Best of luck.” — Beverly to the Porky’s audience, The Goldbergs


“Martha, if you start crying I’m gonna walk out of here.  And I’m gonna take your car with me.” — Chip Baskets, Baskets


MARTHA:  “I wasn’t sure if I work for you or maybe we’re just friends.”

CHIP:  “TBD.” — Baskets


“What is tenure exactly?  Is it like debt consolidation?  Because that was a life saver.” — Chet, Childrens Hospital


“I am in therapy to win therapy.” — Dean Sanderson, The Grinder

Any more to add?  Let us know in the comments!

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