We’ve got the best TV quotes of the week.  Do you like the best TV quotes of the week?  Well, or course you do.  It says “best”.  Who doesn’t like things that are the best?  People with bad taste, probably.  But we can’t accommodate.  There’s probably a site out there bragging about having totally average TV quotes of the week, though.

BROCK:  “… because it’s cheating.”

HANK:  “So is flying in an airplane or having a fake leg, if you think about it.”

BROCK:  “For the last time, no.  You can not have anabolic steroids.” — The Venture Bros.


MONARCH:  “She wants me to bring wine….. I should piss in it!”

21:  “There’s that Monarch charm.” — The Venture Bros.


“Aw geez, Dean.  Your essay reads like a suicide note.  You gotta turn the gas down a notch, Sylvia Plath.” — Brock Samson, The Venture Bros.


HANK:  “Those lobster guys are after me ‘cause our dads are enemies or something.”

SERENA:  “They’re supposed to be whale lice.  That’s so stupid.”

HANK:  “Eh.  I’ve run away from stupider.”  — The Venture Bros.


“I read you guys the moment I got there.  Nick’s deal is he honest to God might be fifty.  Schmidt’s deal is he had to Shazam “Stairway to Heaven”.  And your deal is you’ve been dumped a lot.” — Regan to Winston, New Girl


HOLT:  “A very important, high-profile celebrity was robbed in our precinct.”

JAKE:  “What celebrity, sir?  Is it a Chris?  Hemsworth?  Evans?  Pratt?  Pine?  Brown?  Cross?  (gasps)  Is it a non-Chris?” — Brooklyn Nine-Nine


“It’s amazing.  He’s like a big, lazy Michelle Kwan.” — Jake, marvelling at how good Hitchcock is at maneuvering in his desk chair, even up a set of stairs, on Brooklyn Nine-Nine


“I beg of you, please do not discuss anything Grinder-related in front of me.  Obviously, I can’t stop you from doing it on your own time and would never dream of asking that.” — Dean Sanderson, The Grinder


“Nobody here but the FBI’s most unwanted…. I’ve been waiting twenty-three years to say that.” — Dana Scully echoing Mulder’s line from the premiere, The X-Files


“Do you want an Ecto-Cooler?  Chef Boyardee himself recommends it with the beef.”–Adam trying to enjoy his childhood favorites with girlfriend Dana on The Goldbergs


“Look at how they’re playing Super Immigrant Plumbers.”–Pops, observing Adam and Dana playing Super Mario on The Goldbergs


“I have cable.  Putting it out there…. you’re looking at your phone.  That’s fine.” — Mr. Grant flirting poorly, Bob’s Burgers


“Gene and Courtney are the Siegfried and Roy of this school!  And their songs are the white tigers!” — Zeke, Bob’s Burgers


“Holding hands with her feels like holding a hand for the very first time.  And it’s like the fourth time.” — Gene, Bob’s Burgers


“Charlie Kelly, co-counsel.  Background in bird law, but excited to be in the people’s court and a big fan of black judges, too.” – Charlie, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia


“I’m a really good teacher.  You should see me teach multiplication using Lionel Richie’s ‘Three Times a Lady’.  It’s like Dead Poets Society.” — Miss Feldman, Teachers


Any more to add?  Let us know in the comments!


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