I’m super late on this week’s Venture Bros. recap. Luckily, it’s not a self-referential orgy like last week and it’s a mostly standalone story that brings back some of the Season Six supporting cast. Let’s jump right into “The High Cost of Loathing”.

We open on a freighter “Two Months Later”. The Monarch’s henchmen, now in cool black costumes, dispatch the guards (one of whom lets out a Wilhelm Scream). Gary cuts open a shipping crate with a laser blade and then the Monarch arrives. He’s wearing his battle panoply from Part Two of “The Family that Slays Together Stays Together” only this time it’s iridescent and it works. He opens a box supposedly containing a Venture Industries J-Watch and finds another container labeled “enriched uranium”. And then inside of that is actually eyebrow wax which he gleefully uses to fix his shaggy brows.

And then it turns out to be story he’s telling Dr. Z, who’s evaluating his Guild ranking. The Morpho Cave has been converted to a Monarch Cave but it’s kind of lacking in stuff. He has a small group of henchmen in dirty costumes. Z knocks his ranking down to a 5, which means he’s not qualified to arch Dr. Venture anymore. He takes this as well as you would imagine.

Opening sting!

Hank clears everything out of Dean’s room, putting the books in a box labeled “Dork Supplies” and the sweater vests in another box for “Virginity Protectors”. He can’t erase everything off the apparently-not-dry-erase board, so he puts a TV in front of it. And then he calls Sirena from the new “Hank Pad”, but she’s headed to class. And then Brock’s car screeches up to the dorms – they’re moving Dean in. He was in college last season, but this season he’s actually moving into the dorms.

Cut to Jared aka the Brown Widow. He’s the Spider-Man character voiced by Nathan Fillion. We first saw him in Season 4’s “Bright Lights, Dean City” and he popped up a few times in Season 6. He is naked and cleaning out his…. spider area with a Q-tip. He shoots webs out of his rear like a spider, and now we see he has what looks like a giant exposed butthole on the small of his back. Dean and Brock walk into the dorm room and he quickly covers himself with the head of a mascot costume, so it look to Brock like he was masturbating or possibly having sex with a mascot head. Jared leaves the room, sill naked. Dean feels bad that the family didn’t come to see him off, and then Brock breaks the news that Doc signed him up for a bunch of science classes.

Boardroom. Pirate Captain yells at Doc about the money they’re losing and Doc sprints toward the window and jumps out, only to reveal that he’s floating with a levitation belt. Which is just the belt that Jonas Jr. used to wear. So once again, he’s going to mass market somebody else’s invention. The board is impressed, until Doc’s head starts bleeding in a way that’s so grotesque, I thought it had to be a dream. Nope. Dude jumped out a window and he’s all cut up. He even has a piece of glass stuck in his femoral artery. He passes out, still floating.

The Monarch, with Gary in tow, applies for a twenty million dollar loan so he can get things started. It turns out, his trust fund is overdrawn and he’s actually broke. Monarch sends Gary to the car and then tries to rob the bank. Unfortunately, Jared is in the lobby, so that means the Monarch has to face the Brown Widow. It doesn’t go well for him.

This means Jared is late for Philosophy class. Said class is being taught by Tosh Tompkins, normally the wrestling coach. Tompkins not only bullied Jared last season, but he’s the Captain America knockoff, Stars and Garters, in the Crusaders Action League. He’s covering for Professor Nidaba, who’s currently incapacitated. Nidaba is, of course, Think Tank. He was apparently killed in last Season’s “Tanks for Nuthin'”. You remember the big headed guy who was a parody of both MODOK and Cornel West. Tompkins shows the class (which includes Dean) 300 and makes a reference to “visting professor Zack Snyder”, which makes me laugh really hard.

After class, Dean runs into Sirena. Jared leaves those two alone and they talk about how great it is to get away from their insane parents. She invites him for coffee, but he has a bunch of science classes to cancel.

Hospital. Doc is asleep and has to stay the night for observation. Sgt. Hatred complains that Brock failed to bodyguard him, but Brock was taking Dean to school. Hatred realizes he left the front desk unmanned and there’s a quick cut to a panicked HELPeR behind the desk and brandishing a gun to keep people back. Hee! Doc wakes up and asks for Dean. He gets Hank instead, who has blueprints for a new room. Doc tells him no – either enroll in a non-clown college school, or get a job. Hank mentions that Dean has his own checkbook, but that was part of the college deal. The nurse kicks everybody out. (Hank asks for a bedpan as he goes – “Because my dad may be a literal billionaire, BUT I DON’T HAVE A POT TO PISS IN!”) Doc authorizes Brock to stay but Brock just gives him a “Yeah, I’m not doin’ that” and hits the morphine button until Doc passes out.

And then we see Doc’s sharing the room with Nidaba, who’s in a full body cast and possibly comatose.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch comes home to find her husband lying on the floor in a fit of self pity. She assures him that he’ll come back. He’s got a new arch and just has to work his way up the ladder. There’s an inspirational speech and everything, including a funny bit about the butterfly in a glass frame being the one that raised the Monarch. (“I wish you could have met her when she was alive. She would have liked you.”)

Dean is in a meeting with Dean of Sciences, Dr. Von Helping, who looks a little like Carl Sagan. He talks about what an inspiration Jonas Venture was, but Dean still doesn’t want to be a science student. Von Helping says his dad wanted him to go into the family business, and shows Dean a picture of his dad, a supervillan who’s either made of metal or wearing armor. He knows a thing or two about Dean’s world. Von Helping says he went to a dark place, but the power of science helped him. Dean agrees to take just one science class and settles on botany since it’s the least super science-y.

Hank rents out his room to a pair of German tourists, which should go well. Then he shows up on campus to see Sirena but he pulls a hood over his eyes and harasses her in what he thinks is a cute move. He almost gets maced. She has to go to class and Hank doesn’t seem to get that she has more than one class.

In the car with Gary, the Monarch uses over the counter product to straighten his eyebrows and beard. It leaves a white stripe in each that had to baffle the animators. They’re on their way to an arch with… Dr. Victor Von Helping. We get some backstory in that his father was Dr. Vigo Von Hellfire (basically Dr. Doom) and his son got out of the family business when a freak accident left him with scars over eighty percent of his body. And yet, he looks fine.

Botany class! Hank and Sirena are the only students in the class and they have another bonding moment. When Von Helping arrives, the Monarch and Gary burst through the window. He says hi to Dean, which is very cute.

Sgt. Hatred get an alert that there’s unauthorized entry in Hank’s room. Brock sits down to watch the game, but the TV is gone and he correctly assumes that was a Hank move. Hank arrives at the hospital to visit Doc, who’s passed out. A nice song kicks up as Hank talks about his frustrations. “I know Dean is your favorite, but do you have to act like it?” Then Hank hears the song and we know it’s not a soundtrack. Stars and Garters is visiting Nidaba, playing a song for him. Doc wakes up and seems very happy that “you really came to see me” and then says “You’ve always been my favorite. I really love you, Kate Jackson.” HA! Almost a moment there. Brock and Hatred meet up outside Hank’s room. Brock knows that Hank moved into Dean’s room, and Hatred knows that Hank left an hour ago, so they burst in their with their weapons drawn and even though it cuts to an exterior shot, it’s clear those two just murdered some tourists.

Von Helping doesn’t react to Monarch’s attempts to find “his secret science shit”. When they try attacking him, it just hurts their hands. Then they threaten Sirena, and that sets him off. His exterior shell melts and we see that he’s made of metal and also has flame powers. He hurls a fireball at Monarch and then Dean steps in. He asks what it’ll take to get him out of his life. Dean takes out his checkbook and writes the Monarch a check for a million dollars to leave him alone and everybody agrees that’ll do it. Sirena gives Dean a little kiss and you know that’s going to be bad.

CLOSING CREDITS!

Hey, Gary Cole played Victor Von Helping! BIRDMAN!

In the tag, we see that the check made the Monarch a top Guild earner and it bumped him back to Level Six. Dr. Z was so impressed, he sent over some of that good pomade.

The Titmouse chirp is Monarch yelling “GEEK!”

Next week’s teaser is short, but it has Hunter Gathers in it!

This one is so late, let’s just call it a day and get ready for tonight’s episode!

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