Are you ready for a lot of blurred genitals? Or if you’re watching online, a lot of dongs? Well, my friends, “The Unicorn in Captivity” is for you! We’ve got the return of Copycat, plus the voices of Mark Hamill and three Work Juice players. Let’s get to it!

Doc, Billy, and Pete are hard at work in the Ventech Building. They manage to successfully teleport an apple across the room from one pad to the other. Because it works once, Doc is immediately ready to test it on a human. Billy says they’re not ready for that, so Doc volunteers Hank. Billy says it’ll take months before they can test it on mice. And then the Pirate Captain comes downstairs to get Doc’s signature, steps on a pad, and is teleported. He looks pretty sick, but he survives. A tiny person in a bird costume (named in the credits as Tiny Eagle) reports that Doc did it and they’re go for extraction. He tries to fly out of the building but runs right into Brock, who squishes him between his fingers.

Back at the Monarch’s house, Dr. Mrs. is demanding that he join a team for one job. It’ll be good for his rep and she pulled a lot of strings to get him in. The Guild really wants something (we can probably guess) and everybody involved with the heist will get a full upgrade. She acknowledges that her husband is a precious unicorn, but she would like him to at least meet with the team.

Well, they’re headquartered in Wide Wale’s building and led by Copycat. You know, the Dean Martin guy who can make duplicates of himself and clashed with the Monarch in Season 6’s “Faking Miracles”. He’s voiced by Toby Huss and is therefore awesome.

As for the rest of the team, there’s Dot Comm. She appeared in the Season Six premiere, “Hostile Makeover” and has turned up in crowd scenes ever since. She’s the lady in the TRON suit. She was voiced by Kate McKinnon in her first appearance, but this time it’s the Thrilling Adventure Hour‘s Annie Savage. Wow, so far they’ve had Annie, Mark Gagliardi, Hal Lublin, PFT, and Paget Brewster. Are they trying to get all the Work Juice Players? Let’s get Marc Evan Jackson and Craig Cackowski in there, STAT! And is it possible John DiMaggio has never been on the show? I don’t think he has.

Anyway, there’s also Tunnel Vision. He’s the guy with a drill for a head and also a drill for a hand. He first appeared at Sgt. Hatred’s party in Season Three’s “Home is Where the Hate Is” and has turned up occasionally since then. He was the one who claimed he killed the Blue Morpho in “The Rorqual Affair”, and he’s voiced by Hal Lublin. There’s a green and purple clown-looking guy named Presto Change-O. He’s a shapeshifter in the Plastic Man mold, he’s visually based on The Impossible Man from Fantastic Four, and he’s voiced by freaking Mark Hamill, the best Joker ever. He was also in some sci-fi movies.   Then there’s Ramburglar, a large man with ram horns, he wears a striped shirt like the Hamburglar. He was in the crowd scene in “The Rorqual Affair” earlier this season, and he’s voiced by the aforementioned Gagliardi. Finally, there’s getaway driver “Driver X”, who hides his face under a helmet and doesn’t speak. He seems like a combo parody of Racer X and the Spider-Man villain Overdrive. Monarch asks what the job is, and Copycat tells him they’re hitting Doc’s lab.

Doc brags to Brock about how this invention will change his life. Brock has something to show him, though. He takes Doc to a floor of the building he’s never seen, sporting OSI’s “Dummy Corp” logo. Unsurprisingly, it’s an OSI front. Hey, there’s Hunter Gathers and Snoopy. Brock says they have to talk.

Copycat explains the plan. Tunnel Vision will dig through the foundation to get to the vent. Presto will slide through the security grid and plug Dot’s thumb drive into the computer to shut down security. Ramburglar gets the stuff out of the building and Driver X gets them to the safehouse. Monarch notices that his name isn’t part of the plan and it turns out he’s just doing aerial recon. He insists he should be taking the lead since he knows Doc so well. (“I can tell you his sleep number. It’s 25!”) Copycat doesn’t take kindly to Monarch trying to change the plan and tells him it’s too late. It’s going down tonight.

Hunter tells Doc he has to get rid of his teleportation pads – the world can’t handle it and it’ll cripple the economy. And once Doc destroys the auto and shipping industries, people are going to come for him. Doc refuses to play along, so Hunter and Brock strap him to his chair and leave.

When the lights come back on, he’s surrounded by monitors on which shadowy figures appear. They’re the ones who run the world, and they thing Doc has what it takes to become one of them. All he has to do is give up the teleporter. They offer to let him come to their get together and make his decision.

Gary is teaching Manolo to box in the Monarch Cave. Monarch calls him to tell him the heist is happening tonight. He didn’t bring his flying wings and he needs Gary to bring them over. (He only wore the costume wings.) He also describes Copycat’s fancy soap as smelling like “an Italian gigolo smoking a grapefruit cigarette”.

Brock drives a blindfolded Doc to the get-together, and Doc is still pretty pissed. Brock leaves him with a guy in a powdered wig and drives off. When Doc makes it to the main room, it is a fancy orgy. With masks and everything, like in Eyes Wide Shut!

The villains get into position for the heist. Dot alerts the tunnel team to a gap in security, while the Monarch hangs out on the roof and claims he’s flying.

Back at the orgy, there are a lot of blurred naughty bits. Spunkybuddy OJ McDoogle notes that nothing was blurred if you watch it on Amazon and, man, there is actual onscreen penetration. A bartender (voiced by Hal Lublin!) gives Doc some Orphan Sashimi, “from the cleanest orphans”. He runs outside to wash his mouth in a fountain only to see a masked man washing his balls in the same water. Then he runs into a topless woman in a mask who is clearly Dr. Mrs. The Monarch. She claims she’s an anonymous working girl serving at the whims of the masters of the universe. (Bear with me here, OK? It’s not what it sounds like.) Doc recognizes her and reaches for her mask, but she slaps his hand away and tells him to meet her in twenty minutes.

Presto slithers in past the security grid but has to hide when Brock shows up. Nobody had planned for Brock. Ramburglar wants to fight him, but if anybody trips the security alarm before Dot Comm hacks the system, it triggers a shutdown and they won’t be able to get to the teleportation pads. So they order Monarch to fly over and create a distraction. Luckily, Gary arrives with his wings, hidden in a box of adult diapers. Good cover story.

Brock starts to pack up the teleporters, so Presto distracts him by changing into HELPeR. And like Plastic Man, he stays the same colors, so HELPeR is green and purple now. He slips the drive into Doc’s computer. Brock realizes it’s not the real HELPeR, Presto panics and the alarm is triggered. A pair of claws lower from the ceiling to move the pads to safety. Presto manages to grab one, and then Ramburglar bursts in and tosses Brock across the room.

Gary looks for a bathroom he can use and sees Copycat’s apartment. A whole bunch of duplicates are running their own heist and he’s the one who triggered the alarm. Monarch and company are just a distraction! Gary calls Monarch to warn him that he’s just a decoy, but then a helicopter (piloted by a Copycat) buzzes him and knocks him through the window of Doc’s room. He lands on the bed, which is currently in safe mode and dumps him into the panic room. Also in the panic room? The other teleporter pad.

Doc lounges in his briefs in front of a tapestry depicting a unicorn in a tiny pen. A man in a devil mask enters to explain the symbolism – the unicorn is safe and happy and gets to live in a beautiful garden. He looks at it as a protective barrier rather than a cage. More robed people enter and explains it’s a Lady or the Tiger situation. Behind one door awaits Dr. Mrs. The Monarch and sensual delights. Behind the other door is a large man named Tiger wearing a knife blade as a dildo (it’s the “lust” punishment in Seven). If he surrenders the teleporter, he gets the lady. If he refuses, it’s the Tiger.

Ramburglar wants to torture Brock until he tells them where the other pad is. Monarch tries to leave the panic room but runs into Sgt. Hatred, who just starts shooting. He holds up the pad as a shield, and the bullets go flying out of the other pad, hitting Ramburglar. He falls with his head on the pad, so just his head teleports right into the Monarch’s lap. There’s a good villain death for you. Presto and Tunnel Vision run off with the pad and Brock gives chase. Copycat blows up the roof right above the panic room so he can lift the whole thing out with the helicopter.

Gary finds the getaway van to tell Driver X and Dot that it’s setup, but Driver X is a Copycat, so he just disappears. Presto gets the pad to the truck and Brock gets his hands on Tunnel Vision at the last second. Gary and Dot drive off as Presto tries to slow Brock down by turning into a stair-climbing machine. Brock just stabs him in the face and it’s not clear how fatal that is.

Sgt. Hatred manages to shoot out the helicopter’s tail rotor so it spins out of control. The copter crashes right through Copycat’s window and the panic room falls. The Monarch uses the teleporter and materializes on the other pad, right next to Gary. This comes as a bit of a surprise and he crashes the truck right into the plaza where the panic room is dangling precariously from the sculpture of a giant hand. The second teleport pad falls out right in front of them. Seconds later, OSI arrives but Monarch, Gary, and both teleporters are gone.


In the tag, Doc is being serviced by several women as he declares giving up his teleportation technology the best decision he ever made. Then we cut back to the OSI offices where we see Doc has a VR headset and he’s hooked up to a genital stimulation machine. Hunter to Brock: “Get a nerd laid and they think they’re masters of the universe”.

The Titmouse chirp is Presto letting out a surprised noise.

–This was a weird one. Like, imagine if this was the first episode you saw. The orgy stuff didn’t sit well with me at first because I didn’t like the role Dr. Mrs. The Monarch was playing – it seemed vastly out of character. But the reveal that it’s all a VR fantasy made me feel better about the whole thing. And man, they crossed some kind of Rubicon. There was onscreen penetration (blurred on TV, but still). Beyond that, maybe you noticed Roy Brisby was one of the Illuminati (the one in the wheelchair). Also, I really like the idea that one of the things OSI does is maintain the status quo. Teleportation would wreck the economy, so they can’t let it go forward. It’s a neat explanation for why super science has changed the world at large. Now I wonder if S.H.I.E.L.D. does that, and that’s why Tony Stark and Reed Richards haven’t left the world unrecognizable.

The heist was super fun. finally using some villains who’ve been on the periphery and introducing Presto Change-O. As noted, he’s voiced by the great Mark Hamill, and it’s not a million miles from his Joker voice. They’ve also had Kevin Conroy (the voice of Batman) on a couple of episodes and it’s clear that they need to do a Batman: The Animated Series reunion and have Captain Sunshine fight Presto. Presto seemed like he was still alive after getting stabbed in the face!

So, the aformentioned OJ McDoogle posed the question – was Copycat betraying the Guild or just the Decoy Team? Is he part of the Peril Partnership? It certainly seems that way, but you could make the case that he set up the team to fail so he could save the day and maybe score a seat on the Council. Of course, he’s Copycat. There could be one of him with the Guild and one with the Peril Partnership and when somebody comes out on top, he’ll stick with that side. I welcome any Copycat theories!

Boy, the Monarch and Gary having the teleportation pads is a game changer. It could turn their fortunes around once and for all. Or they’ll just torment Doc. If anybody can squander an opportunity, it’s Malcolm Fitzcarraldo!

See you next week!

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