It’s been written and said Juan Pablo is the worst guy ever to appear on The Bachelor. I’ve spent most of the season agreeing with that, but then Monday happened and I want to change my tune. He’s the best. Meaning, he’s the best thing to happen to the show, though he might be a horrible person. Ask yourself, why are we really watching? If you want a love story, go watch When Harry Met Sally or Titanic for the hundredth time. Go to your local library and randomly pick-up any book with a vampire and a rose on the cover. There’s plenty of love stories and happy endings (that’s what Juan said) out there. This is The BachelorThis is one-step short of a soap opera.

So we’re going to discuss why Juan Pablo is both great and horrible. We’re going to discuss how Clare is both smart and strong, and a complete joke. And then, tomorrow, we’re going to talk more about Juan Pablo and Nikki and what their future holds.

For now, let’s talk about why Juan Pablo has been so great. First, he’s like a walking cliche. He’s a pro athlete from another country who plays a sport nobody in America cares about. If we saw an NBA player on TV acting this way, we’d be like, “oh …well …that’s just what happens when you’ve been elevated onto a pedestal your whole life and everyone around you has done nothing but tell you how great you are.”

So Juan Pablo has that oh-so-hard-to-find sense of entitlement. OK, actually, it’s not too hard to find. It’s everywhere. I watch Fox News.

What’s most hilarious, really, was his family, who also think he’s a bit of an egomaniac and way to in love with himself. That was truly amazing, the way his mother and father both warned Clare and Nikki about how difficult Juan Pablo can be. I think even his brothers and cousins hinted at the same thing. This was the most glaring and obvious condemnation of Juan – when you’re only family wishes you’d have a little more humility, you know it’s a bad sign.

How was this not a red flag? Why did it take until Juan Pablo was in a helicopter without cameras and microphones to truly, truly offend Clare? Because Clare has raging insecurities, that’s why. She’s the text book example of a pretty girl who none of us can understand why she’s not completely on her game (and of course, if she was on top of her game, and full of piss and vinegar, we’d hate her and call her a B). She has all those homely, plain sisters. She should feel pretty. She’s 32 and a career woman. She should feel independent. Right? The flipside, of course, is she has all those sisters who resent her as the ultimate “Daddy’s girl” and she happens to be prettier than all of them, and got all the attention from Daddy and everyone, and they’ve spent a lifetime knocking her down a peg. So she feels small and unworthy. She’s beautiful, so there’s a chance most men treat her like an object rather than a person. And because of all of this, while she tries to tell herself “I’m a catch,” …there’s a chance with each passing year and no engagement ring, she’s starting to doubt herself.


A swallow.

Sorry to cast a wide net, but that’s what I see, so when Juan Pablo is there, simply because he’s there, she clings desperately to what could be her last chance and, oh, this just happens to be on national TV and if she goes crazy and flames out, she’ll be branded as “damaged goods” …more than she already feels she’s damaged.

What did Juan Pablo say in the helicopter? Seriously. I have a whole host of ideas of what followed him saying, “I don’t really know you,” but because my nieces, a second cousin, and a few PTA moms at my school read my recaps, I won’t list my top-10 ideas of what he said. But …if you heard or read somewhere what he said, leave a comment. If you have an idea of something that would send Clare running for the door, leave a comment. I’m too classy to say what I think he said or asked.

Hey. What are those small birds that fly around my bird feeders?

Ahem. What? I’m classy. I don’t know why you’re blushing.

OK. So, that’s Clare. She can be safely laughed at and applauded for everything last night. And can you believe she wouldn’t even sit with Juan Pablo and Chris Harrison? What this means is, what he said was sooooo bad, even with distance and time, it didn’t get better. In fact, it got worse.

Oh, to be a helicopter pilot for ABC. If anyone knows the guy who was piloting that chopper during that moment, spunkybean’ll pay BIG MONEY for an exclusive interview and access to the black box on that flight. And when I say “big money”, I mean a really gigantic novelty check that I can write for nearly $2.87.

I promise, we’re going to talk Nikki, and soon. This Juan Pablo madness isn’t dying down just because the season’s over. He’s still Tweeting his defense in his typical, incoherent broken English and poor logic. Nikki is just as bad as Clare. My only hope is that she’s just sticking around for the collateral benefits of being a part of the Bachelor and Bachelorette franchise. If they ever bring back Bachelor Pad, she’s there. She’s going to be big time on the Bachelor alumni cruises and parties. She’s not going to be the next Bachelorette (I hear it’s Andi), but she didn’t bat and eye when all she was given at the end was a “promise rose” which leads me to believe she’s swallowed the throw-up in her mouth a time or two this season, and she’s just acting the part to ride this mini-fame roller coaster.

Thanks for reading. Leave a comment. See you tomorrow and we’ll talk Nikki.

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One Response to The Bachelor Juan Pablo Finale, Part 1

  1. Karen says:

    I could be wrong but I thought at one point they showed Clare saying “he said “I want to F#%k you””. And they bleeped her word but you could still read her lips.

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