Let’s talk The Bachelorette, OK? This week, Desiree visited four hometowns. Is that right? Do they ever visit four hometowns and make a mockery of four families? Well, I’m glad they did. Heck, next season, The Bachelor shouldn’t even have the opening night cocktail party. Just fly the guy to 25 hometown dates and let’s meet the crazy families right away. No, wait …first the opening night cocktail party, which chops the group down to 15 or something, THEN we’ll head to the hometowns. Can you imagine what kinda craziness and oddities we’d see on 15 hometown dates? And considering, even when you get to 10 or 12 guys or girls remaining, you get some pretty messed up and dysfunctional girls, the families would be a trip.

I need to check ABC‘s website and see if they’re hiring writers or producers for this show. Because I gotz ideas.

Our final four came down to Shirtless-Guy (aka Zak W.), Perfect-Hair Guy (aka Drew, aka The Guy Who Can Never Be Made Fun of Again Because of His Special Needs Sister), Perfect-Guy (aka Chris), and Long-Hair-Guy (aka Brooks).

I want to start with Chris …because he is perfect. He’s so perfect, he’s actually too good for Desiree. If I had to pick his mate, I’d put he and Emily together. Can you imagine how perfect their children would be? I think maybe that’s the only reason I’m not rooting for him …because I’m a fan of genetics and evolution. I think Chris and Emily should get together and start a civilization on an island and maybe invite Sean (last year’s The Bachelor) and maybe some other genetically superior former Bachelorette cast members, and they can start their own society. I’m not saying I could be a part of it, by any means. I’m just saying I’d like to run it like a theme park …like Jurassic Park …and regular schlepps like me can book trips there and it would almost be like a tour of the outback or a jungle safari and we could just observe beautiful humans living, working, and mating.

Did I just get weird?

Sorry about that. Back to the hometown dates.

Let’s start with Drew (Mr. Perfect Hair) who …and you gotta believe me …made Twitter super hilarious on Monday. If you don’t watch the show and follow Twitter at the same time (#bachelorette), you’re only getting half of the total Bachelor and Bachelorette experience. For those who followed along on Twitter, the general mood toward Drew (before we met his sister) is that he’s actually gay and doesn’t know it yet. Because he’s so “pretty”. You know how it is …there are “handsome men” like Tom Selleck, and then there are “pretty men”, like Drew …or Chris O’Donnel. Or Justin Timberlake. Yes, Justin Timberlake is a better example. Some guys look like how we think Indian Jones should look and they don’t dance. Then the pretty boys …they dance. Get it? Zack Efron is pretty. Harrison Ford is handsome.

So, Twitter was going crazy with Drew being in-the-closet or in-denial, and everyone was having a good laugh at him, and then we met his special needs sister, and you could see guilt and regret ripple across Twitter as people couldn’t delete their Tweets fast enough, or retract their vicious attacks on Drew. And even more amusing was how east coast viewers and Tweeters, upon meeting Drew’s sister (on TV, that is), started gushing over Drew and falling in love with him while viewers in the Central, Mountain, and Pacific time zone kept ripping on Drew, and then everyone started Tweeting at each other back and forth about “being insensitive” and “wait until you meet Drew’s family, you’ll regret what you’ve said.” Whoa be to the person who DVRd Monday’s episode and started watching really late and Tweeting stuff, because that person would have probably been kicked off Twitter for being so insensitive.

Speaking of Twitter, it was nice to see, for a few hours at least, Twitter talking about #Bachelorette and not the Trayvonn Martin case – not that it shouldn’t be “talked” about, because we should “talk” and have a “dialog”, but Twitter is just random, racist, hateful shouting an makes me sad. So, again, it was nice to see Twitter buzzing about dumb old Desiree and her dating adventures.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Drew. He’s a great guy. He’s pretty. And he’s very, very nice. His family was nice. He’s almost like a cartoon character. He’s not my first choice for Dez (everyone calls her “Dez” and it’s way easier to type than “Desiree”, so I’m going to call her “Dez”, too). But if she picks Drew in the end, it will be heartwarming and amazing. Why? Because I’ve pretty much come to think everyone on this show is shallow and fame hungry, so when presented with a real challenge, like a special needs sister, I expect them to flake out and flee in the opposite direction. Think about it …everyone on this show is always crying about their “oops” kid they left at home, or the kid they have from their first marriage, or that their mom or dad passed away – again, not saying it’s not sad when your mom or dad die, but almost all of us will have to deal with that and it’s not really a lifelong “challenge”, unless you lost them when you were young. What I’m trying to say is, sometimes the kids on this show belly ache and cry “poor me” over stuff that isn’t really all that earth-shattering.

I had better quit before I get hate mail from some of the 11 readers I actually have. What I’m saying is, I *heart* Drew and he’s a good guy. Probably one of the better souls to ever be on this show.

Next up …Brooks (aka The Guy With Long Hair). Not much to report from his date. I don’t like Brooks. He was the fourth hometown date, and I only half-watched and was much more entertained by the Twitter upheaval going on across the country over Drew. If I had to point at someone who’s not on this show for the right reasons, my pointer finger would be aimed at Brooks. I think he’s putting on a really good show, and the natural shape of his face sorta makes you think he’s honest and sincere in what he’s saying, but I’m not buying him.

Brooks is a cool guy, don’t get me wrong. In fact, he’s a “cool guy” and if I hung out with him at a party somewhere, he’d probably be freegin’ hilarious and he’d probably call me “bruh” which is how “cool guys” say “bro.” He’d probably think I’m hilarious and say, “hey, me and some buds are going to Club 96 this Friday. You should come and hang out, bruh.” And I’d be like, “totally.” And I’d be all psyched about hanging out with Brooks and his “buds” and I’d probably go buy a pair of “cool” blue jeans and something that kinda looks like an Ed Hardy shirt, or a cool logo t-shirt that looks like it’s from the 70s. Because, you know, Club 96 is that super new club that features only songs from 1996 and the TVs in the place only shows news stories and shows from 1996. Why? I don’t know. But everyone is talking about it and everyone sings along to Boyz II Men when they come on during the night. It’s like freegin’ 1996 in there! And nobody can get into the club, it’s so new and cool, but Brooks can because his sisters’s roommate works there. So I clear out Saturday night to go hang with Brooks and we text back and forth all week, well, I text him alot, he texts me once or twice, and then I show up at Club 96 and I wait, and wait, and suddenly it’s almost 11 o’clock so I quick send a text to Brooks and I’m like, “where r u?” And he texts me back, “oh, sorry, amigo. got caught up in a Scooby Doo marathon on Cartoon Network. chillin’ here. have fun.”

Fun? By myself? I can’t even get in. I don’t know Brooks’s sister’s roommates name. I’m pissed. I wasted my whole Saturday night (and spent $125 on jeans). Then my phone vibrates and it’s a text from Brooks that says, “zoiks, Amigo. next time. puppy power. LOVE scrappy doo” And then I’m cool. I can’t stay mad at Brooks. And even though I hate Scrappy Doo, I’m willing to give Scrappy another chance …maybe he didn’t ruin Scooby Doo like I remember.

Brooks is that guy.

Chris’s dad is a chiropractor or voodoo doctor? Did I get that right? And he got “handsie” with Desiree …oh, I mean with Dez, and how creepy is that? Oh, hi kids, I’m a registered chiropractor and massage therapist, so do you, ummm, wanna lay down on my massage table and I’ll adjust you? Like, if you’re friend’s dad is a surgeon, or a obstetrician, pediatrician, or cardiologist, you’ll seek him out and ask him medical questions. Maybe, in a pinch, ask him to call in a prescription for you. And even that’s pushing it. But usually doctor-friends don’t mind helping or even taking a look at your throat or listening to your chest, even on their off day. But Chris’s dad was trying to pass himself off as some true medical professional, but I saw right through that. He just wants an excuse to touch his sons girlfriends, or maybe the neighbor’s wife. Am I right? So odd. I guess there would have to be one black mark against Chris, but since it’s really a black mark against his dad, I still love Chris …I mean, I like him …I love him for Dez …you get what I mean, right? Since he’s still my #1 and I wrote his and Dez’s name on all my Trapper Keeper folders and drew a heart around them, I’m willing to overlook his creepy dad.

And finally, the odd ball that Dez just couldn’t keep around …the guy who showed up shirtless on the first night …the guy who was “almost a priest” …is now the guy who’s family owns an ice cream truck. I hate to say this …so I won’t. OK …I will. If it weren’t for Drew, Shirtless-Guy (aka Zak W.) might’ve gotten one more week, but Drew trumped all “sensitivity” and “kindness” that’s ever been seen on the Bachelor or Bachelorette, because of his sister and how he cares and adores her, so someone had to go. She had to pick between creepy-massage-dad or family-ice-cream truck and, sorry Shirtless-Guy …maybe you’ll be the next Bachelor and get another shot. But probably not. It’s going to be Drew or Chris.

And with that, we’re down to three guys and Dez. I think it’s fantasy dates next week. She won’t bring three dudes home to mom and dad, right?

Are you happy she sent Shirtless-Guy home? He just doesn’t stack up to Chris and Drew. Brooks, however, could win. Because who doesn’t wanna date a guy like Brooks? So laid back. So naturally cool. Who would you pick?

Thanks for reading. See you next week. I promise I’ll recap.

Follow @spunkybean or @donkowalewski on Twitter and don’t forget to save #bachelorette next week and follow along.

 

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