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 Have we really reached the point in time when there is a show on network television called Conveyor Belt of Love? Is the hallowed memory of Lucy & Ethel working in the chocolate factory going to be forever tainted (or perhaps, infected) by this affront to good taste? I was pretty sure this show was a sign of the apocalypse, but it was actually hilarious in a completely brainless and harmless sort of way.
The girls were varying levels of shallow, which naturally decreased with age. The guys they had to choose from ran the gamut from hot to average to dorky, with some genuine wackos thrown in for good measure. Most of those who had a "shtick" were sent packing right away, just like you would if a dude with a horrible line came your way at a bar.
But, even the strangest ones got their 60 seconds; even "bad impression guy", "horrible stand up comedy guy" and "dude in full Native American regalia". Oh, and don't forget the obligatory "guy who still lives with parents" and the 31-year-old virgin...who were two distinct people, by the way. Aside from superficial Keiko, who said she was only looking for some fun from the outset, the rest of the girls seemed willing to dig beneath the surface on many of the guys who rolled past to see if they were at least somewhat compatible.
Here are the rules, by the way:
There were five women picking from a group of 50 guys who came out on a conveyor belt and got about a minute to impress the ladies; longer if the ladies had questions. (We did not see all 50, by the way.)
If two (or more) ladies picked the same guy, the tables turned, and the guy got to decide who he'd like to date.
Lastly, the ladies could "trade up" from their initial pick at any time in the process if they saw someone they liked better further down the line.
The youngest girl, Keiko, 23, chose the male equivalent of the hated "bikini girl" from American Idol, some dude in a speedo named Johnny Pride who was carrying a Pomeranian named Rambo.
Betsy, 29, was thoughtful and inquisitive about several of the guys, even turning one down because he said he never went to church, but ended up with musclebound, faux-hawked singer songwriter Lance, complete with copious amounts of tattoos, stubble and chain wallet.
Dalet, 26, traded up the most often and got seemingly well-spoken yet chiseled dude Josh.
Bottle blonde Bostonian with big boobs, Angelique, 29, struggled to find a match, but ended up with doughy Erich, because he adored her and was "wicked funny". Yeah, he was quippy, but his impression of Chris Farley's Matt Foley character (who lives in a van down by the river) was what won her over. He is the Everyman of the episode.
Jennifer, 25, ended up with the last guy on the belt, John, who was cute, played guitar and almost made Jen's panties drop spontaneously to the floor when he said he liked Watchmen comics.
The dates took up less than 15 minutes of the show, if that gives you an idea of how seriously you are supposed to take this little experiment.
Dalet & Josh went on a sailing date. After he refused to give a straight answer to any question she posed, she deemed him boring, and that seemed to be it for them. I guess she should have stuck with one of her earlier picks. I think we've all learned an important lesson, haven't we, kids?
John & Jen went on a picnic. Apparently, she doesn't picnic much due to her lactose intolerance (everyone brings cheese in her experience), but maybe because of the fruit John packed, and his interest in seeing her anime collection (not a euphemism), she consented to make out with him a little and both seemed excited for future dates.
Lance picked Betsy up on his motorcycle (natch) to go get ice cream. He thought her strapless sundress was something one would wear to Sunday school, which struck me as odd. Then, Betsy talked too much about marriage for a first (or twelfth) date, but Lance was at the opposite end of things; a 38-year-old biker dude who has a secret dream of an old girlfriend calling him to reveal a teenage love child she never told him he fathered. I can only assume this would be because it would mean he'd avoided that pesky growing up thing that kids tend to do. Really, this is just as bad her fixation on getting hitched, and predictably, they're kaput as well.
Angelique & Erich went on a wine tasting date; he's a sommelier after all. He wondered why she stuck with him over the cute guitar boy. She said it was because he put her feelings first in offering to step down when she liked John, who of course ended up with Jen. Turns out this couple have some things in common and some actual chemistry that transcends appearances. Shocking! So, they might go out again too, but we never saw anything definitive on that. I'll always wonder.
Lastly, there's Keiko & Johnny, over in the shallow end of the pool. They introduce their tiny dogs to each other. Next, they oooh and ahhh over how hot each other are. Then they make out in what appears to be a very staged and fake discotech and agree to go out again.
Ultimately, it was a silly show, with some sweet parts in the middle, and a goofy ending. Really, it left me thinking that maybe more of life's big decisions should be made by conveyor belt. We could be looking at a whole new genre within a genre; conveyor belt reality shows! Pick your date, your pets, your clothes, your wedding planner, your house, your adoptive child! I don't know. It all sounds completely ridiculous, yet this show just wasn't that bad. Hell, I wasn't offended by it once, which is the opposite of just about everything they run on VH1 these days. And, really, what could be more compatible programming for The Bachelor, which is really just a long, drawn out version of this anyway? The only things missing were the mansion, champagne and hot tub. Maybe next time.
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