As part of proving my own conspiracy theory, this is exactly what Simon wants for the season as he walks off into the X-Sunset. He wants all the joy and laughter (and talent) siphoned right outta the Idol tank so everyone blindly follows him onto his new show. Right now, when the performances end (with the exceptions of Cyrstal "Not-So-Yellow-Teeth" Bowersox and Lee "The-White-Hootie" DeWyze), the judges attack. Even Ellen isn't finding that balance of "I love the show" and "I hate your singing." I never thought I'd miss it, but I miss the girl-who-loves everything.  And when I say I "never thought I'd say it," I mean I'll say it over and over again, just as I have been saying it for weeks.

The headline of last night's show could've been, "Girl Gets Sick; Recovers; Gets a Makeover; Steals Show". That wouldn't exactly work on the pages of the New York Times, but it certainly would draw me in. Crystal Bowersox apparently didn't O.D. on whitening-strips and all joking aside, it was nice to see her back. As one of only a handful of unique, interesting finalists, it would've been a shame not to have seen her "Long as I Can See the Light" performance. Crystal was great, and controlled, and has really cleaned up her image. And she did what the better Idol contestants do - she picked a good song, but not a song overplayed on radio or overperformed on Idol. Many, given the chance to thumb through the pages of the Creedence Clearwater catalog, would no doubt try and give us "Fortunate Son", "Bad Moon Rising", "Down on the Corner", or "Lookin' Out my Backdoor." Why? Because most of the Tuesday and Wednesday performers just opt for songs they've heard, or that sound familiar. But a chick like Crystal chooses "Long as I Can See the Light" and shows me she knows a thing or two about music. She doesn't just load up her ipod with 10,000 songs only so she can say, "I have 10,000 songs on my ipod" and "I know that song, I have it on my ipod." No ...she listens. And last night, I don't know whether it was my sympathy for whatever ailed her, or if she was just good, but the girl showed me she belongs here. She showed and proved.

I also think "Who'll Stop the Rain" would be a tremendous song for someone. I also just noticed my mp3 player contains no CCR. I must fix this, post-haste.

Coming out of Crystal's performance, I nearly got whip lash when the always smiley Haley Vaughn (aka Upper Lip) opted for "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus. Ouch. Though I contend that Miley Cyrus really can't sing, I was always impressed that her dad wrote her a song like "The Climb." And every time I've seen Miley perform the song live, I find myself having a tad bit more respect for her because given her teen-Idol status and the whole Hannah Montana thing, it would've been easy for her to hide behind voice-tracks, studio enhanced vocals, and an image. But "The Climb" is a pretty darn good song and Miley hits the notes. Haley Vaughn, on the other hand, did not. And what's more, she left her effervescent charm in her guitar case. And that's the problem with these youngsters, the 16 and 17 year olds - nobody tells them when they're bad. In life, until someone turns 17 or 18, we all encourage them. If a 16 year old has even a sliver of talent and desire to sing, and they can sing even a little bit, we tell them "you can do anything." And the kids who are more than just a sorta talented teenager and who want to get better, well, they sign up for the high school musical and audition for varsity voices, and then a bitter old teacher with yellow teeth from too many cups of coffee and sneaking too many cigarettes between class periods, who's dreams of performing in something other than a wedding band had died long ago ...he helps those kids out. And sometimes, if they really stick to it and work hard and keep singing after high school and on into college, they just might blossom.  What we don't typically tell a moderately talented 16-year-old who likes singing and play her guitar - "go on TV and try singing in front of 25-million people."

Spare your, "but Taylor Swift" comments ...she's a rare, rare exception.

I'm not going to make fun of Haley Vaughn. I like her. She's nice. And her unstoppable smile is contagious. The judges are right in regretting putting her through. She needs a couple more solid years of performing and figuring herself out. But she was just so fun. I might've been fooled, too. Worse yet, Haley might actually make it through one more week based completely on how bubbly she is. Heck, she might even make it into the Top-12 and, given the right songs, could actually make the Summer Idols Live Tour - but she's not ready. We'll see.

I wish I could help Haley, but not as much as I want to help Demi-Lovato-Jr. (aka li'l Katie Stevens). Because this girl has "chops" (that's what music critics like myself call people with big voices ...right? Don't we?) Ellen gave her the best advice - stop singing songs that might be heard in a dentist office. It's true, li'l Katie needs some help. If you're reading, Katie, email me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . I got some ideas. I think your voice is big enough to take on some poppy Christina Aguilara stuff or some Demi Lovato (don't laugh ...if you've never given Demi Lovato a chance, that girl can wail - her voice is HUGE). If li'l Katie could sing more like a 17-year-old, and less like a 28-year-old clinging to her very last shot at making it in the music biz as a performer, she could blow us away (of course, that's what I always said about Diana DiGarmo back in Season 3 ...still haven't seen much from her). But when Li'l Katie opts for the Buble version of "Feelin' Good" (which, by the way, Michael Buble is hardly a singer - he just mostly talks ...his voice is smooth like velvet and goes well with a swing band, but that's his trademark ...vocally the dude is lacking ...he's not an artist to emulate on Idol) last week and "Put Your Records On" this week, you all don't get to see the little vocal prodigy that I think this girl is. So boring was she the last two weeks, I worry she won't be around (oh, who am I kidding ...with Ms.-Irrelevant, Red-Hair, or Michele Delamor in the mix, Li'l Katie will be OK).

Hey, Li'l-Katie.  Fire up Radio Disney, grab some Selena Gomez and Demi Lovatto tracks off the Interweb, and study up. You wanna make it onto tour this Summer? ...brush up on your catchy pop songs, find the songs that showcase a modicum of vocal talent, and then come back and bring your youth with you.

Haley and Li'l Katie, however, should easily be voted through over Red-Hair and her performane of "Kiss Me" by Six Pence None the Richer. Talk about taking the judges critique and running with it ...wow. Red-Hair was so uncreative, she didn't even venture into other tracks that Six Pence None the Richer might've had. My guess is, Six Pence None the Richer recorded at least one other song, right? Probably dozens.  Red-Hair's voice matches the lead singers voice. OK. We got that. So her best move would've been to select  a similarly upbeat track. One that didn't reach #2 on the charts and got so overplayed that nobody wants to hear it again, ever. That's the difference between Yellow-Teeth and Red-Hair. Yellow-Teeth picked a slightly lesser-known song from CCR's vast library. Red-Hair picked the only song anyone knows from Six Pence None the Richer, and only because she "sounds like" their lead singer (which, btw, to tell you how insignificant that band is, I Google'd and Google'd and could not for the life of me find the name of Six Pence None the Richer's lead singer).

The-Waitress went away from her singer-songwriter- coffee-house vibe and opted for Bill Withers's version of "Stand By Me" and the judges got it all wrong. They all said she picked a bad song and it wasn't good. This is an instance when I think the judges are going to apologize to her next week or down the road. You watched? She's totally gorgeous, her voice is unique, she hits all her notes ...what was the problem? My only assumption is that they have such high hopes for The-Waitress, they're going to be extra rough on her.

Michele Delamor went from performing Alicia Keys last week, whom nobody likes, to Creed this week, another group nobody likes. Nobody = me. "Arms Wide Open" is a song written in the same way Kara wrote last year's theme song and always reminds me of the worst song ever written, "Christmas Shoes". These are songs that were born of a brainstorming session where a songwriter says, "I want to write a song about Topic-A" and then every word or catchphrase that applies to said topic gets written down. Once all those buzz words and catch-phrases are on paper, it gets cobbled together into a song. Say I wanted to write a song about eggs and toast.  I'd write down words like 'eggs', 'toast', 'butter', 'jam', 'plate, 'fork, 'pepper', 'orange juice', and some other words. Then I'd pick a bunch of words that rhyme with what I've written down, and I'd write a song. It's what Weird Al does. And that's OK for Weird Al.  It's OK for every artist who sits down intending to write a song that people will play at their weddings during the couple's first dance. So why does it bother me so much that Creed wrote a similarly uninspired song about the birth of a child?  I dunno. It just does.

To belabor this point, brilliant songs, to me, often take deep lyrics, and then bend metaphors with great musical accompaniment, and create magic. The best example I can give is Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and just about the entire Nevermind album. "Smells Like Teen Spirit" is iconic. It defines a generation and an era where rock music transformed overnight from leather pants and big hair, to angst and anger (that's not my theory, but I think I stole it from Chuck Klosterman's Fargo Rock City, actually). But Kurt Cobain's lyrics, if you wrote them out on paper, hardly tell the story of a generation that will never have it as good as their parents and who's attention spans are so short we all take A.D.D. medication ...no ...he uses words like "mosquito", "beetle", and "albino" and we don't really know what he's talking about, but when we hear the grinding guitar and his strained vocal chords as he shouts "here we are... entertain us" ...we just know ...this song is about me ...let's mosh.

Oh, right. Michele Delamor. Because I spent time talking about bad-songs versus good-songs in the place where I would normally critique her version of "Arms Wide Open", that should tell you I don't anticipate seeing her next week.

White-Hair did "Change Gonna Come" for what might be the 10,000th time on Idol. Sometimes Idol makes me think that the past 60-years of music is comprised of just over two dozen songs and a half-dozen artists. Seems like we hear the same songs, year in, year out. Everyone loved it ...profusely love it ...except Simon and I. We didn't gush over White-Hair like the other judges. Still ...she falls into the category of Yell0w-Teeth and Paula-Abdul-Guy ...she'll still get by simply on their previously created mystique. And I'm fine with that. It's not a criticism. John Park should be so lucky to be getting by in shtick and not much else.

My favorite of the night was Sideshow-Bob (aka Katlyn Epperly). When they said she was going with Coldplay, I thought for sure she was going to bore us with yet another version of "Viva La Vida", but when she opted for "The Scientist" and slowed it down, dressed herself up in all white and sat in front of an all-white grand piano, and insisted on Adam Lambert-lighting techniques ...well, I don't care what the judges say. This girl is ready to entertain me for many, many weeks. This girl has lots to show us.

Mrs.-Irrelevant (aka Paige Miles) proved Simon right - she is the best female vocalist this season. Hands down. But will that be enough? I think she messed up a few notes during her take on Kelly Clarkson's "Walk Away", and she mostly made me want to hear Kelly Clarkson's version instead. Did Randy imply Kelly Clarkson doesn't have a big voice, and that the song is better as a "group song?" Is he high? Kelly Clarkson has big everything, man. But before her more recent "big" notoriety, she blew us away with that mega voice. But we're not here to talk about Kelly Clarkson, though the judges agreed - Paige didn't make her own mark. Paige didn't bring the chip-on-the-shoulder that Kelly brought to that song. There I go talking about Kelly Clarkson again. But Kelly Clarkson is that brooding, angry performer. Clarkson sings from a place that says, "I hate the boys who burned me and I hate the pretty girls they left me for" and "I hate Britney Spears" and "I hate my first CD and all those painfully cheesy songs I sang and I especially regret starring in the movie From Justin to Kelly." Clarkson wears her chip like a badge of honor.  Paige, on the other hand ...is a big, smiley, happy gal. This wasn't the song for her.

And last we come to Magnus Von Magnusson (aka Siobhan Magnus). I'll never understand these kids trying to do this? They try and sing Aretha Franklin (or Whitney Houston, or Mariah Carey) and it never, ever, ever works. So when Magnus Von Magnusson (aka Siobhan Magnus) came out singing "Think", I groaned. And going with my opposite-theme, I thought it was a disaster. Except for the last 20-seconds and the big, huge note she held, and I guess that might be enough. If she ends up winning and moving past her attempt at singing soulful Motown classics, it'll be this night everyone talks about. If she ends up winning, she's going to get weirder and weirder. Because as Simon said, she's just so strange.

As with the guys, the girls made significant strides from Week 1 to Week 2. Last weeks eliminations were a surprise, so I wouldn't wager your life savings on my predictions, but it seems like this week we'll be saying good-bye to Paige-Miles and Red-Hair (though losing Haley "Upper Lip" Vaughn or Michele Delamor wouldn't surprise me either).  We'll see. And I hope I'll see you here next week.

Oh, yes ...and this is how you do it. With feeling!

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Comments (2)

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Right there with you on Lily...I was not overly impressed. We so need Hayley and Lacey gone this week. paige can stay for another round. I thought "Walk Away" was pretty decent, even if she didn't nail it. Hayley and Lacey cause me physical pain to listen to. Crystal, however, almost made me cry, she was so good. Siobhan was certainly more lively than last week, I just think she's got work yet to do. that note was not perfect. Also, the judges are seriously way too mean, just for the sake of it, it seems. I don't miss the seal claps, but they're just so cranky!!!

Myndi , March 04, 2010

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You came up with the exact same suggestion we did last night for Katie Stevens, some Christina Aguilera - pop with room for a big voice. Great minds (you and my 12 year old daughter) and all that.

Tink in Cali , March 04, 2010

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