You know what they say about March. It goes in like a profile of American artisans and goes out like a secret agent turned private investigator. That’s definitely what they say about March. Don’t bother looking it up. And never has it been more true than this year. And just to help you keep it straight, we’ve got a guide to the March premieres and returns. Daredevil! Archer! The Americans! Last Man on Earth! Bosch! And that’s just the beginning.
Tuesday, March 1
8:00 Handcrafted America – This new show has host Jill Wagner traveling the county and talking to people who make things. They had me at “host Jill Wagner”. Everything else is just gravy.
Wednesday, March 2
8:00 Rosewood – Returns for the second half of its season after three months off. That’s even longer than Gotham‘s been off!
8:30 The Real O’Neals – This new comedy about a Catholic family dealing with stuff premieres tonight and then moves to Tuesday. I’m glad to see Martha Plimpton in a new series, but this doesn’t look good.
10:00 Hap and Leonard – James Purefoy, Michael K. Williams, and Christina Hendricks star in a series based on Joe R. Lansdale’s books. Weird crime in East Texas! I love Lansdale – not super familiar with the Hap and Leonard books, but he’s got Jonah Hex, Batman: The Animated Series, and Bubba Ho-Tep on his resume. And don’t even act like you don’t miss Christina Hendricks.
Thursday, March 3
10:00 The Family – This could be good – Joan Allen plays a woman running for governor whose campaign is waylaid by the return of the son she though was dead. But the might not really be her son. Check it out, maybe!
Friday, March 4
House of Cards – The fourth season hits today and we all have to deal with the fact that, in 2016, Frank Underwood is a better president than most of the other options out there would be.
Bosch – The second season of Titus Welliver’s crime show based on the popular novels. I’m still catching up on the first season, but it’s really good.
Sunday, March 6
8:00 Once Upon a Time – It’s back from holiday hiatus!
10:00 Quantico – Also back! And as a dude who watches Quantico, it’s been off for long enough that I can’t remember a single thing about Quantico.
Monday, March 7
9:00 Bates Motel – I would like to watch this show, but the fanbase is way too excited about the incestuous overtones. I can’t hang out with them!
10:00 Damien – It’s a series that picks up with the Antichrist 25 years after the events of The Omen. It’s produced by Glen Mazzara, the second showrunner to get fired from The Walking Dead.
Tuesday, March 8
8:00 Little Big Shots – Steve Harvey hosts a weekly talent show for kids. Look, I know everybody thinks their kids are good at things, but nobody else wants to see it.
9:00 Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. – Coulson and the gang return! And there’s a Civil War looming, so I’m guessing we’ll see something tying the show into the upcoming movie.
10:00 Of Kings & Prophets – This is an Old Testament drama about King Saul, which isn’t super appealing. Also, after the pilot was shot, the network threw it out and started over with a new director, script, and cast. This has “troubled production” written all over it.
Wednesday, March 9
10:00 The Carmichael Show – This show about Jerrod Carmichael caught a lot of buzz (by NBC standards) in a short run last year. Somehow I missed it, but I’ll try and see Season Two. There’s a lot on my plate, man!
10:00 Underground – This new period drama focuses on the Underground Railroad. WGN has a pretty good record with their original programming, but they cancelled my beloved Manhattan so now I’m mad at them.
Friday, March 11
The Characters – This is cool. Each episode focuses on a different comedian tasked with creating a bunch of original characters for a sketch show. One of them is Lauren Lapkus, who we can all agree is the best.
Flaked – I do not know what this show is about, but it stars Will Arnett and was co-created by one of the Todd Margaret writers. Also, Mitch Hurwitz is producing That’s good enough for me!
Saturday, March 12
11:00 Party Over Here – FOX returns to late night sketch comedy with this show created by Paul Scheer and the Lonely Island.
Tuesday, March 15
10:00 Crowded – This show about adults moving back in with their parents doesn’t look like anything special, but at least it’s got Patrick Warburton. Sidenote: Patrick Warburton is old enough to have adult children.
Wednesday, March 16
10:00 Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders – Gary Sinise stars in this spinoff about the FBI unit tasked with rescuing Americans stranded abroad. That seems… kind of limited as a premise.
10:00 Nashville – Man, this show was off for a long time.
10:00 The Americans – Oh man. I love this show, the new trailers are awesome, and everything should be great.
Thursday, March 17
Bajillion Dollar Propertie$ – Kulap Vilaysack (aka The Widow Howlapp) created this reality spoof produce by Scott Aukerman and starring Paul F. Tompkins. That might get me to pony up for this streaming service. That and the ability to watch Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace at any time.
Daredevil – Season 2! With Elektra and the Punisher! Do not talk to me this weekend, because my plans are set.
Pee-wee’s Big Holiday – An original Pee-wee Herman movie produced by Judd Apatow, written by Pauls Reuben and Rust and directed by the Wonder Showzen guy. I will watch this after Daredevil.
Monday, March 21
8:00 Dancing with the Stars – The new season features the return of judge Len Goodman after we were told he retired and no Julianne Hough.
Tuesday, January 22
9:00 Heartbeat – This medical drama was titled Heart Matters and then Heartbreaker, and I’m hoping for at last one more change. Heart Floats?
Thursday, January 24
10:00 The Catch – Shonda Rhimes might have finally got me with this show starring Mireille Enos (The Killing) as an insurance investigator. I watched the trailer and was totally into it, so check it out.
Wednesday, January 30
9:00 Empire – After a four-month hiatus and a first half of the season that squandered all of its buzz, last year’s hit is back.
The Path – Jason Katims (Friday Night Lights, Parenthood) produced this streaming series about life inside a cult. It stars Aaron Paul and Michelle Monaghan, and that seems like exactly the kind of thing I want to see.
Thursday, March 31
10:00 Rush Hour – This adaptation of the Jackie Chan / Chris Tucker franchise features neither Chan nor Tucker and happens about ten years after anybody cared about Rush Hour.
10:00 Archer – In Season 7, we get another Archer Vice-style change as Sterling and the gang become private investigators after getting drummed out of the espionage community for a second time. There is no evidence that Archer would make a good P.I., so of course this is going to be amazing.
All dates are subject to change, but let’s be real. It’s not like FOX is going to suddenly switch up their schedule and start showing Empire on Saturday or anything.