You guys, it’s happening.  The new season of Celebrity Apprentice is here.  And it’s an All-Star season, which means I’m stuck dealing with a whole bunch of people I thought I’d never see again.  Myndi and I already broke down the contestants with our Snap Judgments, so now it’s time to embark on another season of the lengthiest recaps in the business.  Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Trump Time.

We open with random shots of New York, including a person in a truly terrifying Statue of Liberty costume.  Trump emerges from a limousine, clad in his customary pink tie, and proclaims this the most anticipated season EVER.  He doesn’t open the season by pretending to care about poor people, as he often does.  I assume he giggled through those takes, so they just had to cut it.  The announcer takes over and introduces this year’s contestants.  There’s no need to recap this, because it appears to be footage from the coming season.  Although it’s worth noting that Omarosa’s credit is “Apprentice Original All-Star”, and I’m not convinced any of those words apply to her, let alone in that order.  Also, they’re kind of crappy to Marilu Henner – everybody else is defined really broadly.  Like, Stephen Baldwin is an “Actor”, because otherwise they have to acknowledge that he was in one movie that anybody cares about.  But Marilu?  “Star of Taxi”.  Can’t just let her have “Actress” like everybody else.  There’s an insane montage of scenes from this season, including Gary Busey exhorting somebody to “fart quick”.  There also appear to be cavemen.  This could be the season that kills me.

Gradually, this year’s crop of baby ducklings assemble in the Metropolitan Museum of Art.  Apparently, somebody paid a lot to get the Andy Warhol exhibit product-placed.  Which is odd, since this was shot in November.  Presumably the exhibit has moved on.  Trump also pronounces “museum” as a two-syllable word.  And then, it’s time to find out more about the contestants.  He asks a variety of people why they’re playing, and they all answer that they’re raising money for their charity.  Which, duh.  Most of them don’t get a chance to name their charity, though.

Hey, I feel weird bringing this up.  But we need to talk about Claudia Jordan’s breasts.  She is showcasing her cleavage like she holds a Masters degree in that particular art.  I don’t even remember if I like Claudia, but I am perving so hard on her right now and I feel gross about it.

Anyway, Trump asks Marilu if she remembers getting fired.  She does.  So he says she’s got “one of the great memories of all time” and then asks her if she has a better memory than Dennis Rodman.  Six minutes into the season and we’ve got our first exchange that makes absolutely no sense.  (Also?  Tofu has a better memory than Dennis Rodman.–Myndi) Oh, and Dennis explains that he’s here to prove that he’s a “smart-ass man”.  Penn Jillette looks stricken by this declaration.  Trump takes credit for Trace Adkins’ success, even though he was a huge name in country music before he appeared on Trump’s low-rated game show.  He’ll be doing a lot of this.  There’s a hella awkward exchange with Busey, and then Trump talks to Lisa about the size of her lips and it’s so awful that I wish Busey would start talking again.

And now, we get to the theme of the episode.  Trump tells Bret Michaels that he made a big mistake coming back, since he won his season.  Which is super weird.  It’s not like they can take anything away from Bret if he doesn’t win again.  And if the point of the show is to raise money for a charity, why wouldn’t you come back?  It’s not like diabetes was eradicated in the last three years.  This is such a stupid thing to even question.  And yet, here we are.

Instead of pitting men vs. women, Trump lets Trace and Bret pick the teams because they did the best on the show.  They’re also both wearing cowboy hats, though only Bret has a bandana underneath the hat.  Trace picks Penn.  Bret picks Omarosa because he has never watched this show.  (He claims that he wants to harness “what everyone calls Evil Villainess Energy”.  Yes, everyone calls it that.  Ask around!  He also refers to “nuclear (pronounced noo-cyoo-lar because of course) Tasmanian Devil energy”.  Is that another thing everybody calls it?)  Trump compliments Omarosa’s boobs.  I wish I were kidding.  Trace picks Dee Snider.  Bret chooses Lil Jon, which is a good call.  Trace picks Marilu, and Trump makes another comment about her memory.  Did she win a remembering contest or something? (She has some kind of photographic memory, alledgedly.–Myndi)

Omarosa tells Bret to pick Brande Roderick, and Bret does not need encouragement to pick hot ladies to stand near him.  Trace picks Stephen, which he will live to regret.  Bret picks LaToya Jackson.  Trace chooses Lisa.  Bret takes Claudia.  And that means Dennis and Busey are the last ones left, surprising nobody.  Trace picks Busey, and that means Bret gets Dennis.  Trump says he would have picked Dennis first because sports.  Also mancrush.  Now, it should be noted that all five African-American contestants ended up on Bret’s team.  I’m only pointing it out because early promos made me think that Trump had separated the team by race, and I was ready to be more appalled than usual.  Anyway, Dennis immediately starts pawing at Claudia.  Oh, this will be delightful.

GUYS!  It’s a shortened version of the opening credits, but Eric “The Rat King” Trump  appears alongside Ivanka and Don Jr.!  This is going to be magical!

Lil Jon interviews that all the black people are on his team, as well as all the “beautiful people”.  The camera has pretty well made a home for itself in Claudia’s cleavage.  I so, so want to be offended.  And yet…  They brainstorm team names based on their racial makeup, and they seem very close to picking “Team Oreo”.  Then Omarosa freestyle raps.  I am not one to criticize somebody’s flow, but she would lose a rap battle to Scott Aukerman.  (She does not even make note of the fact that she’s there to say that it’s fun to rap in an Apprentice way.)  This leads them to pick “Power” for their team name.

The other team lets Busey talk, and he suggests the following names:  “Invisible Witches”.  “Sperm Farmers”.  “Carrots”.  “Bread Pudding”.  It goes on, but if I transcribe everything he says, we’ll be here all day.  (I feel like he started out horny and then got hungry part way through his list.–Myndi) They settle on “Plan B” because it references one of Trace’s songs and also birth control.  Next, time to pick a project manager.  They all know it’ll be fundraising, since the first task always is.  Both Trace and Stephen want the job.  They have a schlong-measuring contest over who’s got bigger donors, and Trace cites T. Boone Pickens.  (Who I misheard as “T-Bone Burnett” at first.  Dude’s got Nashville money, you know?)  Thus, Trace is the project manager. Dee recaps what we just saw.

Omarosa wants Bret to be their manager, but Brande really wants the position.  They argue about it, and Brande finally drops to her knees to beg and Bret gives in.  Plus, multiple people joke that this is a sex thing, and Claudia even interviews that “I’m kind of lazy when it comes to that stuff.”  And somehow, that got on TV.  Omarosa interviews that Bret is not bright.  Breaking news!

Everybody assembles in the Boardroom to find out what their task is.  I swear, Busey’s been practicing crazy faces in the mirror since last time he was on the show.  Trump promises that “almost all of you will make a lot of money for your charity”, which isn’t true at all.  I mean, probably half of them will be fired without making one red cent.  Trump barrels on to introduce this week’s wingmen, Season One winner Piers Morgan and Ivanka.  Trump asks Bret what he things of the team that he picked like five minutes ago.  Bret thinks they’re great.  That will change soon!  Immediately, Trump wonders why Brande is the project manager, and Omarosa jumps in to say it was really stupid of Bret to let somebody else lead.  Yep, she’s turning on her team before the task has even been assigned.  That has to be a new record.  Piers calls her out on her lack of team spirit, and then says it’s heartwarming to see “such a delightful creature in her natural habitat”, which is barely an insult.  But Omarosa keeps repeating “Your momma should know”, which really doesn’t make sense.  That is not a good snap, Omarosa!

Trace also likes his team, and declares himself to be the star of the team.  Trump asks Busey who the star is, and Busey defines the word “star”, as in the celestial body.  Everybody laughs, which is weird.  I will say this over and over, but either he’s doing a bit and we should stop encouraging him, or he actually has a problem and we should stop taunting him.  Piers reminds Trace that he beat him, and Trace threatens to slap him.  He’s so laconic that I can’t tell when he’s joking and when he isn’t.  I guess we don’t really know until he slaps somebody.

So, the task.  They’re going to be making and selling meatballs at a meatball shop.  Whoever makes the most money selling meatballs wins.  Also, they have to bring meatballs to Live with Kelly and Michael to be judged.  Best meatball gets a bonus.  So, I don’t live in New York, but are there meatball shops?  Like, you just go in and buy meatballs as food in and of themselves?  If so, that’s amazing.  I picture giant meatballs served in paper cones.

Piers asks if Omarosa is the biggest loser in the history of the show.  Hee!  She tells Piers he’s the biggest loser and if they don’t stop fighting, I’m going to turn this car around and nobody’s getting meat cones!  Trump assures Piers that Omarosa is a winner, and he responds with a perfectly timed “Really?”  HA!

Team Power immediately starts making calls.  LaToya interviews that having to be in a room with Omarosa is the worst part of the show.  Plan B starts talking meatballs, and Lisa is excited about her meatball recipe.  Trace says it doesn’t matter and they don’t even have to let people come into the shop.  He’s just going to arrange big donors and nobody else gets a meatball.  (“I don’t care I you eat my meatballs and throw up”.  Which should definitely be on their signage.)  Lisa calls Harry Hamlin to get his recipe, because everybody else still wants this to be fun.  They decide to call them “Naked Balls with Harry Sauce”, which sounds horrifying.  Trace just rolls his eyes and sends a mass text to all of country music.  Stephen interviews that if it’s at all close, then not actually allowing people to buy meatballs could be a problem.  Which is a surprisingly good point.  Of course, I assume that just off-camera, his hand is stuck in a pickle jar.

Power gets to work rolling meatballs and both Claudia and Lil Jon strive for innuendo.  Come on guys, don’t swing at the easy ones.  Brande struggles to find something for Dennis to do, and she tries to be nice about the fact that she doesn’t want him handling food.  (Things Dennis Rodman is allowed to do:  Meet with Kim Jong Un.  Things Dennis Rodman is not allowed to do:  Put his hands in meat.) Also, she won’t let him do graphics because “he doesn’t even use a computer”.  So, he’s definitely not going to read this?  *Sniff*  LaToya and Bret talk about garlic forever, and then Dennis makes the surprisingly sensible move of just getting in there and making meatballs so they can’t point to him as not contributing.

At Plan B, they put on their chef hats.  When Trace puts his on over his cowboy hat, Penn asks “Isn’t that just a little precious?” which cracks me up.  Penn, Marilu and Lisa start rolling meat, and somebody gives Busey a knife so he can chop vegetables and sing about it.  In an actually funny moment, Trace tells Busey to show Piers around when he shows up.  Hee!  Trace keeps on calling people, while Stephen interviews that he’s holding back his donors.  By which he means “whatever Baldwins aren’t dodging his calls”.  (And based on a recent Rolling Stone interview with Alec, I’m guessing he could call Billy.  Or Daniel, but he doesn’t have any money anyway.–Myndi)

Back at Power, Brande is working the phones.  She’s excited that Warren Moon will be bringing a check.  Based on his name, I assume he’s a wizard of some sort.  (Retired NFL quarterback, so…close!–Myndi)  She also gets a promise from an unnamed billionaire (Bruce Wayne?) saying she will definitely win, though she foreshadows that she’s nervous about people actually getting there.

Next, representatives for the teams visit Kelly and Michael.  Plan B sends Penn and Marilu, while Bret and Lil Jon are there for Power.  This is weird, because their show is live, but this season was shot back in, like, November.  So this must have been perplexing to viewers – people coming on to plug a show that wouldn’t be on for four months.  The studio audience is losing their minds over this, though.  Power presents a vegetarian meatball – Penn makes fun of them, but Kelly is actually a vegetarian so good on them.  Still, the very concept has to hurt Ron Swanson.  Also, they look disgusting.  Lil Jon sprinkles it with truffle oil and interviews that “You could sprinkle it on doo-doo, and that doo-doo would be damn amazing.  This is the best doo-doo I ever had!”  Know who I didn’t expect to tell me about the virtues of truffle oil?  Lil Jon.

Plan B presents their Naked Balls with Harry Sauce, and the front row of the audience, filled with the oldest women in the world, are scandalized.  Penn juggles meatballs, and people react like he’s cured something.  Kelly sort of went nuts over the Power balls and couldn’t get Plan B out of there fast enough.  Not much of a poker face, that one.

Meanwhile, the rest of Team Power gets their store ready while Omarosa talks about how it would be a privilege to “personally take out” the only winner in the game.  I don’t think she knows the rules of this show.  They’re not playing Halo online, here.  Omarosa doesn’t get to fire anybody.  She’s been on this show a lot – she should know!  Claudia interviews that “nobody plays the game better than Omarosa”.  Except for all the people who did better than her.  Twice.

The store opens and people start filing in.  I think one of the women in line is Madea, but I can’t be sure.  They serve meatballs to people in Chinese food containers, which is amazing.  Is this a real thing that happens?  It’s all I’ve ever wanted!  The big checks start coming in, and Brande proves to be the worst high-fiver in the world.

At Plan B, nobody’s coming in.  This is because there are signs all over the windows saying “Closed for Private Event”.  Trace is very happy about this.  He’d prefer not to interact with the public.  The whole team looks hilariously bored – I feel like they should play some Euchre or something.  Also, what “Private Event” happens at a meatball store?  And will somebody invite me?

23 minutes later, Plan B is just chilling out and drinking some coffee.  And then Busey goes rogue – he walks outside, flags down a double-decker bus and invites them in for meatballs.  Now, as a responsible driver, if Busey starts waving his arms and screaming you should hit the accelerator and get out of there.  This can only end with a hatchet, you know?  Trace and Dee freak out that they might actually have customers, so they yell at Gary.  Who then immediately walks outside to yell “come in and get a meatball”.  Would it be the worst thing in the world to sell a meatball to a regular person?  We are the 99%, and we like meatballs!

Then Amy Grant shows up.  For those of you who didn’t attend a Christian middle school in the 80s, she was a singer of upbeat religious songs, many of which we had to sing in music class.  I probably still know all the words to “El Shaddai”.  (She might have come to my school at one point, actually.)  And somehow, she’s friends with Busey.  The moment when she’s introduced to Dee Snider causes an entire decade to swallow itself, which means alt comedians can finally stop reminiscing about toys that they used to have and write some damn jokes.  Amy buys $75,000 worth of meatballs.  I can only assume that she’s been cheating Michael W. Smith out of his songwriting royalties for years and blowing it on this big score.  Gilbert Gottfried, Valerie Bertinelli, and Mick “Mankind” Foley all show up, making the weirdest possible game of Marry Bang Kill.  Niki Taylor shows up, and this would all be a lot of fun for their customers if they weren’t being forcibly kept away.

Back at Power, a couple of Playboy Bunnies show up with $5,000.  Which is not exactly Amy Grant money, you know?  (Also, does anybody remember how the first firing ever on this show was Trump firing a Playboy model for not getting Hugh Hefner to buy a $50,000 hot dog?  Why do I remember that?)  The public lines up to buy meatballs, and we learn that Omarosa is keeping track of who the big donors are there for.  This is a plot point!  Bret hustles a roadie with a face tattoo out of his “stripper money”.  (I just call that “money”.)  He also notes that Omarosa doesn’t announce his big donations like she does for everybody else.

Marilu and Penn, having pulled the trigger on that beach ball order, return to their team just before Piers arrives.  Busey, as instructed, escorts Piers around the shop.  Piers refuses to be impressed or alarmed by anything that Busey has to say.  You will never hear a condescending “mm-hmm” like the ones coming out of Piers.  He thinks it’s a bad idea to not let people buy meatballs, though.

Over at Power, Paul Teutl arrives with twenty-five hundred dollars.  LaToya announces $10,000 from John Rich, though we don’t see him.  Possibly because the camera is shooting above waist level.  Man, Power is hooked up with former contestants, at least.  People I should recognize but don’t hand them money.  Then Piers shows up and there’s some confusion over whether they made 5000 meatballs or 650.  This confusion seems to be because Claudia says two different things in the space of 10 seconds.  It doesn’t seem especially important because they’re not being judged on how well they keep track of inventory.  And yet, we’re going to be stuck hearing about it.  Piers also asks about the signage, because Claudia is completely covered by balloons on the group shot.  Claudia doesn’t seem to care, but this really is exactly the sort of thing that Trump will sometimes seize on as a problem.  But you never know with that dude.  (Don’t we, though?–Myndi)

With 15 minutes left in the day, an adult woman arrives with a $100,000 check from T. Boone Pickens.  Trace insists on calling her a “little girl” multiple times.  Over at Power, one of Brande’s big donors has not arrived, and she makes a panicked phone call.  They don’t identify who it is, but that’s a total Tony Stark move.  She’s really upset as it becomes clear that they aren’t going to make it in time.  It’s a weird position, because you’re counting on people, but you can’t be too mad that they’re not showing up to buy meatball on 24 hours notice.   But Brande seems nice and she’s sad, so I’m on her side.

Boardroom Time!  For the record, it took them 30 minutes to start the task.  We’re at an hour and six minutes right now.  Ivanka looks weird – she’s very attractive but she seems overly styled today.  My friend Becky says it looks like she’s going to a wedding.  Trump naturally goes to Dennis first to ask how Brande did.  He says she did well, “better than Bret”. Man, even Dennis has figured out how this show works.  Brande says she still has hope, and she’s proud of her team.

Trump once again starts complaining that Bret came back.  Piers agrees that he himself wouldn’t have done it.  YOU GUYS!  He is trying to raise money for a charity!  If he does poorly this season, his charity doesn’t lose the money he won last time.  It’s not roulette and he’s not putting his Season Three winnings on red (ignoring Wesley Snipes’ advice).  He’s risking nothing but his time in order to possibly help people.  Why is this so mind-boggling?  This is maddening!  (Plus, the guy literally almost died and STILL made it to that live finale.  Even people who hate Bret Michaels had to give him credit for that.  This is the point at which my blood pressure skyrocketed.–Myndi)

Bret doesn’t make any of these reasonable points.  Instead, he talks about living in the moment.  Sure.  And then Omarosa says that Bret perpetrated “the biggest fraud in the history of the game” by promising to raise a lot of money and then didn’t.  So that’s how it’s going to be.  There is an argument over whether Bret’s claims of being “stacked” were, in fact, hyperbole.  Trump wants to get to the bottom of what “stacked” means.  I’ve never heard it in this context, really.  Usually it refers to either bust size or the Pamela Anderson TV series created by a pre-Modern Family Steven Levitan.  They then try to ascribe a numerical value to being stacked.

LaToya mentions the bit about Brande getting on her knees and says she didn’t know how to delegate.  I feel like LaToya’s had another surgery or two since last time we saw her.  She looks like a cat that’s taken human form.  Trump turns to Plan B and Trace drawls that they did “pretty good”.  Penn calls Trace “gutsy” and “inspiring”.  Which are not words you often hear ascribed to meatball vendors.  Omarosa makes “please put me on camera” faces when she hears they didn’t sell to the public.  Penn explains that crowds might have frightened off their big donors.  Or the celebrities who were making charitable donations on TV would have liked people to see them doing it.  Not like Mankind was going to bolt from a crowd, you know?

Trump asks Busey what he thinks of Trace, and the English language just gives up.  “Very humble with humility.  And a single-minded focus on doing good for everyone.  And the making of the meatballs, and the serving of the meatballs, and the kindess, and he wrote complaint department.”  Trump skips over that whole “complaint department” thing to say Trace isn’t as kind as all that.  Piers calls Busey “Mr. Meatball”.  Trump asks for who contributed least, and Trace singles out Stephen.  He says there was nobody who came down for Stephen.  And Flea confirms that he contributed “Financially, not a penny.  That’s very bad.”  He straight up says that he’s holding back until he’s Project Manager, which is the rationale that’s gotten a lot of people fired in the past.  Stephen says he doesn’t have much of “a Rolodex”, and I feel like that’s an almost useless reference now.  Grandpa, what’s a Rolodex?  He smirks when Piers asks about his brothers.  I love that Trump calls Alec “a terrific guy”, when I think the two of them probably hate everything about the other.  Unless Trump has Alec and Jack Donaghy mixed up.  Stephen states that Alec wouldn’t want to give money to Trace Adkins, which is probably true.  Stephen is so smirky this whole time!

They talk about the TV appearance.  Trump is upset that the rest of Team Power didn’t watch Bret and Lil Jon, until Brande points out they didn’t have access to a TV in the meatball shop.  I think we can agree the editors were right not to trim any of this gold.  They talk about why Bret and Lil Jon were on TV, and it’s clearly a mix of them being recognizable, likable, and unlikely to do anything crazy on live TV.  Again, not a lot of reason to spend time with it.  And yet here we are.

Piers talks about the bad signage at Power.  He thinks it’s funny that Omarosa was the most visible, when the public hates her.  Dennis asks Piers what his deal is with Omarosa.  Now, technically Omarosa started it early on, but whatever.  Piers mentions that Omarosa trash-talked his family, which is the one thing he can’t accept.  Omarosa denies it, even though we actually saw at least one example of it during Season One.  Claudia jumps in to say that it’s silly that he’s bringing it up now, even though he’s answering Dennis’ question.  Claudia says that Piers is “bitching and complaining like a woman”.  Ah.  Now I remember why I don’t like her.  Piers reminds everybody that he won the show and knows how to play it better than most of them.  True.

Ivanka calls Claudia out for the “like a woman” comment, and Claudia responds “well, he was”.  Hee!  Ivanka has to explain, slowly, that she’s using the word “woman” as a pejorative and that’s what she finds objectionable.  Then Trump starts talking about how much he appreciates Omarosa defending him and telling people that he isn’t a racist.  Well, that came out of nowhere.  Trump does a weird impression of people claiming he’s racist, which is strange.  If it happens that often, you need to think about how you’re presenting yourself.  Bret reminds everybody that he isn’t racist, because he picked all the contestants of color.  Trump tells him that nobody cares.  Dude, there are so many things happening in this Boardroom that nobody cares about.

Anyway, Kelly and Michael liked Brande’s meatballs better, so that’s another $20,000.  And each of the teams raised more money than any other team on a first-episode task.  These stats are getting needlessly specific.  Brande’s team raised $230,000 plus the bonus.  She thinks that’s short, which is kind of funny.  Trace’s team raised $419,000, which is nuts.  That’s for like ten meatballs, too!

Plan B returns to the Suite, and Trace thanks them for their hard work, and then they eavesdrop on the Boardroom.  Trump asks Brande whose fault it is, and she says it’s the people who raised the least money.  When asked for specifics, she defers to Omarosa.  If you remember, she was keeping track of how much money everybody raised.  But she answers “Don’t defer to me, you’re the project manager”.  Oh, not cool!

Ivanka thinks it’s amazing that Brande wasn’t keeping track of the money.  But why would she?  It’s not like they have to balance the drawer at the end of the day.  I would think that making calls is more important than keeping a running tally.  Especially since there’s somebody who was actually keeping track!  Trump asks if Omarosa is a thief, but he’s doing a bit.  Not a good bit, you understand.  Ivanka wants to get to the bottom of why the person keeping track of money won’t discuss money, which is a reasonable question.  Omarosa’s response is that some people lied about how much they brought in.  Well, it’s a good thing she has figures that she can cite, right?  But she won’t.  This is like Nixon’s secret plan to end the Vietnam war.

Piers wants to know how much Omarosa’s donors brought in.  She doesn’t give a total, but says it’s “10,000 here, 5,000 there.”  Somehow, this comes back to a failure on Brande’s part for not knowing what people brought in.  I don’t understand anybody’s logic.  Like, usually you can follow the thread whether or not you agree.  This doesn’t even make sense.  Bret gets around to saying that he probably wouldn’t pick Omarosa again if given the chance.  Omarosa then claims that Bret brought in the least money, a charge that she doesn’t substantiate.  Apparently you just get to say things in the Boardroom.  This is so frustrating because I just want them to explain why things are happening right now.

Because they know how to make riveting TV, we now get a long discussion of math.  Everybody says how much money they brought in, and other than Brande’s $132,000, and Lil Jon’s $60,000 they’re middling sums.  Until you remember that we’re talking about meatballs, I guess.  Piers points out that their estimate is $80,000 more than they actually raised.  Again, they had somebody actually keeping track of this but they’re not pressing her as to why she doesn’t have numbers.  Are we sure that Omarosa wasn’t skimming off the top?

Omarosa finally gives her estimates, and says Bret brought in $15,000.  Considering that we actually saw him bring in that much money, either she’s underselling it or we saw every one of his donors.  Her numbers are still $35,000 high, and I actually wish we’d talk more about this, except for how watching it happen is the most boring thing.  Omarosa is clearly targeting Bret by making up numbers, and she’s not smart enough to cover it.  But that’s not the storyline for the episode, so they’re going to gloss over it.

Brande chooses to bring Bret and LaToya back to the final Boardroom, based on Omarosa’s estimates of what they brought in.  Both Trumps and Piers want to know why she’s believing her numbers over, you know, reality.  And she doesn’t quite say it, but she knows Trump has already made his choice and the smartest thing for her to do is not stand in his way.  In the Suite, though, Trace calls it.  Trump’s not going to fire Omarosa yet.  As they wait in the lobby, Brande apologizes to Bret, who knows the score.

Trump opens by asking why Brande brought back LaToya.  Well, because she’s a person.  Brande knows that Trump is going to fire Bret for accepting an invitation to come back on the show, and she’s just filling that other seat with a warm body.  Trump and Ivanka both say that she should have brought Omarosa back.  Piers says she’s crazy to trust somebody fundamentally untrustworthy, and she only wanted the cashier position so that she could lie about the totals.  Which sounds crazy but is also probably accurate.  Also, Brande says Omarosa claimed to be a “great cashier”, which is not much of a brag.  Especially in a situation like this where she’s not making change and balancing her drawer – what she’s literally doing is taking money and then putting it in a drawer.  But she’s great at it!  Piers and Ivanka both say she should have brought Omarosa back, and Brande straight up says that Trump won’t fire Omarosa.  He disagrees because “without credibility, this show wouldn’t be the huge success that it’s been”, and I am howling with laughter at all the inaccuracies in that statement.  (I almost fainted at the ridiculousness of that statement.–Myndi)

Bret talks about how Brande dropped to her knees and begged to be leader.  Trump:  “That must be a pretty picture, you dropping to your knees.”  YOU CAN’T UNHEAR THAT!  And the face Brande makes is absolutely hysterical.  This is a woman who knows Hugh Hefner and used to be professionally naked, and it’s clear this is the most she’s ever been grossed out.  It’s amazing!  (Don’t forget how Piers chuckled in response.  This show just gets grosser every season.–Myndi)

Trump turns it back to Bret, and we’re on the “Why did you come back?” tip again.  He explains that, “psychologically” (he points to his head when he says this, just so we know where he keeps his brain) it’s hard to pick Bret again.  “You’ve been a winner, you are a winner, you’re great.  Bret, you’re fired.”  Fired for the crime of trying to raise more money for his charity.  So that’s how this season is going to be.

No clips for next week, because my local station cut away before the credits rolled.  Wise choice, WOOD TV.  See you next week for more math talk!

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