Let me start by saying, before I make it sound like last night was the worst night of American Idol ever televised, that if you had just told me the top-13 before the show started I would’ve liked the list. But somehow, the way Fox and American Idol presented us the group last night, I was kinda hating it the entire time. It’s hard work to take a great thing like American Idol results night, and make it feel dirty and wrong. How many times did my wife and I shout at the TV in anger? Well, I’m not going to tell you, because I know you’ll just judge us (at least 6 times, fyi).

My first choice would’ve been Alex Preston. This quirky guy knows music and loves music, and I think that’s going to make him very interesting because, and I could be wrong and he might be completely faking us out and “acting” all music nerdy, he’ll do things differently. He’ll do them differently, not because he’s trying to be different, but because he’s just different. He couldn’t do something mainstream and popular if he tried. It’ll be cool.

Malaya will be the same way. When they called her name, first, she went bonkers crazy, running around, screaming, and hugging. I believed every second of it. I don’t think a single forethought went into that. I love her, her voice is magic …like a giant piece of granite and experts and the Idol judges, and eventually vocal coaches and record producers are going to carve it into Michaelangelo’s “David.”

Contrast that with Caleb Johnson (the rocker dude) who lifted Ryan Seacrest and bear-hugged him, that my friends was a completely manufactured magical moment. And nobody will talk about it forever and ever …except Caleb himself. The best part of that was Harry Connick Jr. ruining the moment when Caleb placed Ryan back on the ground and Ryan went from happy rag doll sidekick to serious television host, and Harry made that the source of a joke. Bye, Caleb. Your moment was the hug and go stand with the others.

Some of my shouting might’ve happened when I learned America voted for Jessica “Pink Hair” Meuse and MK. I really don’t “get it”, but OK. Voting is voting. I won’t be voting for them and I doubt they’ll win me over, but seeing them voted through means there are some people out there who probably say they “hate” American Idol and cheesy music like that, but yet they’re watching, and they’re voting for the outcasts and the different and the emo. More power to them. Do you suppose there’s an underground fan base who absolutely hate Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, and Clay Aiken, but they love everyone who finished out of the top-5 or failed to catch on and generate big hits? They’re kinda like modern day Iggy Pop fans …people loved Iggy Pop in his heyday, but many did it only because “most people” didn’t like punk rock and Iggy Pop. So these emo kids hang out in coffee shops (not Starbucks), hooka bars, and tobacco stores and watch Idol on their Macbooks and pretend not to care, but they love it.

I’m going to infiltrate this underworld and report back.

No surprise to me was the votes for Country crooners Ben Briley and Dexter Roberts, because the Country genre rules on Idol, and Majesty was a shoe-in from the first note we heard her sing this season. And if we hadn’t voted for her, the judges would’ve given her the wild card.

Instead, the wild cards went to Jena Irene (a Michigan product …woo hoo), Kristen O’Conner …duh, look at her …the singing will come with time, but she has a face that can sell records and tickets, and finally C.J. Harris. And because they judges picked him as a wild card, I’ll cut this entire franchise some slack for the fact MK and Jessica “Pink Hair” still get to be here.

I also shouted a few times, “pleeeeeeeeeaaaaase don’t pick Emmanuel” and after seeing him fail to stand and applaud for someone else and sit and sulk the entire night, we’re all better off that he’s no longer on our television screens. Good riddance. Don’t let Zidor hit you on the way out (I stole that from Amy Reiter at the LA Times, I admit …but it was awesome).

Our world is a little worse today because handsome Spencer is gone. I’ve said all along, he’s gotten by all his life on his good-looks, and I’m guessing this was his first ever taste of rejection, and that will make him a better person. The fact it had to happen on national TV, well, that’s a bit harsh. Look at it this way …if (and it’s a big “if”) anything ever happens in his life not like he planned, it can’t be more humiliating than this. Then again, I’ll bet he walked off stage and signed a contract to appear on eight magazine covers and be a spokesperson for a dozen big companies.

Harry Connick’s muse (or his “pet project”) Emily Piriz is through which proves “sexy” is still popular in America (hey, she’s 18, so I don’t have to pretend she wasn’t in tight leather pants with her mid riff showing the other night), and Sam Woolf shows there are still Teen and pre-Teen girls watching this show and if you look like you belong in One Direction, you can still get votes. Oh, what about Spencer? Dear, dear readers …he’s too good looking for a “boy band.” Dudes standing 6’3″ are not about to dance on stage like idiots. Like, can you picture a young Harrison Ford in a boy band? These boys bands don’t happen by accident. They’re called “boy bands” because their members need to look like boys. Duh.

I used “duh” twice in this column, which means I’m spending too much time watching TV with my daughters. But having them next to me on the couch makes watch American Idol this season much more fun, and they don’t even mind me angrily shouting at the TV.

Hopefully next week I’ll have much less reason to shout. See you then. Thanks for reading.

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