Oh, it’s time. Time again for our annual summer obsession. It’s Big Brother time! This year, I’ve pretty much ignored any pre-season announcements so I’m going in completely cold. I wanted to start the season without already being angry at anybody who had a dumb pre-show interview. And this year, you can watch me pick by Summer Crush in real time. I’m very excited!

It’s Season 20 and Julie starts by throwing out some stats. I try not to think too hard about these because it’ll lead to me calculating my time spent recapping. (Myndi did Season 9 on her own and then we’ve worked together on everything starting with Season 10. That’s a lot of recaps!)

Also, we’ve missed you Julie! A bunch of returning houseguests are in the audience including Season Six favorite Kaysar. (My sister and I still talk about Kaysar to this day.) Julie promises this is going to be more social media oriented which could be fun or it could be a nightmare. Like actual social media, basically.

We see our first group of eight getting their keys. Sam is a small-town welder and also a lady. She lives in a camper in her mom’s yard with at least one kid. She also shoots a bow and arrow. I don’t see her meshing with the house, but she’s pretty endearing.

Tyler is a lifeguard and also our annual floppy-haired boy. He admits his biggest weakness is his brain, so at least he knows what he is.

Bayleigh is the first African American Miss Missouri, so there’s our pageant quota. She’s a flight attendant and says she’s used to dealing with brats. Also, if she brings her uniform, we can pretend we’re watching LA to Vegas. I like Bayleigh!

Steve is a retired cop and now a professor who rides a motorcycle. He looks like somebody and I can’t quite place it. My immediate reference was the late Richard Kiel, but that’s not right. We’ll figure it out by the end of the season. Steve enjoys bubble baths. Oh, he’s going to like about his past and current job.

Kaitlyn is a life coach and guided meditation instructor. She talks a lot about crystals and oils and invisible orbs and I can’t handle a season of this. Can they pipe in some episodes of Sawbones while she sleeps? She says that people “literally sh*t on” her for being a life coach and let’s just take her at her word. People actually poop on her when they find out her job. Oh, also the boom mike hits her head. This is a great segment!

Winston sells medical devices and is super into guns. He would like to talk to you about his guns in this short segment that is meant to introduce him to America. If Winston could get a gun pregnant, he totally would. And then he’s raise all those little half-gun half-human babies. Guns! This was meant as a bit, but he actually kisses his gun and tells it he’s going to miss it. He has totally made out with that gun. He admits that he loves his dog more than guns, which is nice. He talks about wanting to meet that special somebody and he should definitely lead with that thing about how he doesn’t feel safe unless he brings his gun to a movie theater.

Angela is a fitness model who regrets that people don’t know she kicks ass. She says she has to tone it down so she doesn’t “emasculate” men. Man, that’s a whole other thing I could park on for a while. She seems OK, though.

JC is a dancer and power lifter. He has a thick Spanish accent and is very short. He also informs us that he’s gay so he is, in his words, “a minority for everything”. I bet this guy has an interesting story and I hope he sticks around for a while.

That’s the first batch. We return to the studio where Julie lets them into the house. First we have Tyler, Bayleigh, Sam, and Winston. They freak out over the rock climbing wall and some of the new neon decorations. They all take a minute to get to know one another before Steve, Angela, JC, and Kaitlyn enter. Steve immediately starts telling people he’s a mechanic. Kaitlyn says the house has a good aura, so I’m glad we have her stamp. Angela and Tyler realize they’re from the same town and Tyler worries that people will think they know one another.

More houseguests get their keys!

Rachel is a Las Vegas showgirl. She talks about her hustle and her skills at manipulation. She’s a big fan of the show and I’m a little bit into Rachel but I’m not ready to commit.

Chris is a day trader and former college basketball player. He wants you to call him Swaggy C, which I will not be doing. Oh man, he also babysits on the weekends. I think he only does that because the footage of him dorking around with kids in the pool is super endearing.

Angie has purple hair and says people call her “Rock Star”, which they totally don’t. She talks about unicorns and being a witch and she desperately wants you to find her interesting.

Brettt considers himself a bro who does bro stuff. Which is dumb, but he also calls himself a burly boy, which is funny. He’s also a cybersecurity specialist, but he hates nerds. Cool.

Kaycee plays women’s professional football and says people have compared her to Odell Beckham Jr. I do not know who that is, so I don’t know if that’s good or accurate. Her parents are very supportive, and she and her dad bonded over football and Big Brother. That’s two more things than I bonded with my dad over.

Scottie would like you to mistake him for Chris Gethard. He says he’s never been kissed and never had a girlfriend. The prominent cross around his neck is driving away vampires, which means he’s eliminating some possibilities. He says he’s an athlete, which they prove by showing footage of him holding a frisbee briefly before dropping it.

Haleigh is a student at Texas A&M and a farmgirl. She is super cute and does a lot of farm chores but is also working on her science degree. Go, Haleigh!

Faysal is a substitute teacher and football coach and holds a lot of college records. He says his students think he’s hot, which is a little gross. He says he’s a proud Muslim and he also throws a tire around. There’s a lot going on with him, but dude is going to shatter some stereotypes. Good on you, Faysal!

Back in the studio, Hayleigh, Scottie, Faysal, and Kaycee get to enter. I’m going to struggle with some spellings for a while here. Hayleigh loses a strap when Scottie hugs her, which is pretty funny. Rachel, Chriss, Brett, and Angie are next. Julie calls Angie “Rock Star”, which I hate. It’s not only a forced nickname but it’s really unoriginal. Kaitlyn and Angie immediately bond over oils and crystals. Of course they do.

After a while, people start poking around the house and they find something that appears to be like an ATM terminal but it doesn’t do anything. That’ll do something one of these days. Then they find another bedroom behind a moveable wall, which Steve calls a stash room. They bust out the booze and it’s time to get to know one another. Kaitlyn! Don’t tell people what you do! History says there’s a chance that they’ll poop on you! Sam decides JC is cute but gay. Rachel likes Winston. No, Rachel! He loves guns more than he’ll ever love you! Brett lies about his job but picks something that he admits he doesn’t know anything about (technical sales). Tyler feels like Steve is staring into his soul.

Kaitlyn immediately bores people with her job, but nobody defecates on her. She tells Scottie he has her favorite energy. He assures her “you’ll get tired of it”, which is funny. But then he talks about femme fatales and come on. Rachel says she’s a performer, which everybody assumes means “stripper”. Tyler pervs out in the Diary Room. All right! Let’s get the game going!

Bayleigh compares Big Brother to a flight, and I wish everybody would compare the show to something related to their job. “It’s like substitute teaching because you’re only there for a short time and it’s hard to learn everybody’s name at first.”

Later, Kaitlyn asks Scottie if he’s ever been in a relationship and then they find out he’s never been kissed and then a bunch of people start chasing him. Julie appears on the TV to talk about technology and promise a bunch of high-tech twists. The Unitard is made of nanites this year! And with that, it’s time for the first competition. Out in the yard is the BB Supercomputer. There are two platforms and Julie says they need four men and four women on each. They’re battling for the ability to “reprogram” the first week. Basically, the winner gets to declare eight people safe for the first week, kind of like last year. Then Julie glitches out like Max Headroom and the two platforms end up in different places. They make it look like they actually dematerialize Kidd Video-style, but I have my doubts.

The first group ends up in the dark and seems to be standing in water. They’re in the “trash folder”. In the dark room are seven folders. Six of them are marked “escape”. Get one of those and you’re safe. One says “Play and Escape” which moves you to the next round. If you’re the one who doesn’t get a folder, you get a punishment. Tyler is the first to find a folder. He’s safe. Oh, apparently you have the choice to go back and look for another folder, which would mean multiple people end up with a punishment. I don’t think anybody’s going back, though.

Bayleigh also gets a folder. She’s safe and doesn’t wish to return. Brett gets another “Escape” folder. Hey, the possessed piglet version of Otev is in the dark room! Rachel finds the next folder and opts to escape. Angela gets “Escape and Play”, so she moves on to the next round. JC finds a folder, so he’s safe. Winston and Kaycee are left and then Winston walks into the house, so Kaycee is getting a punishment.

Next group! They’re in harnesses hanging from ropes and they have to prove they’re not a robot. Julie, I’m just about to wrap up a season of Westworld recaps. I can’t go over that ground again! They have to grab letter blocks off the floor to spell “houseguest”. Jokes on you, because a robot can totally spell that word. If your blocks fall off your platform you have to start over. It seems like the ropes are raising and lowering them on a schedule. Oh, and as a neat twist, S and E are on the same block, but the word has them in both the SE and ES configuration and people screw that up immediately.

Chris finishes his stack first, so he’s moving on. Scottie gets second. Steve is next. Sam, meanwhile, has her blocks totally messed up. Kaitlyn prays to her spirit guide and the show obliges by bathing her in light. Angie gets it, and I hate that the chyron calls her “Rockstar”. Nope. Haleigh finally gets it, leaving Sam to face punishment.

In the House, people wonder what the punishment could be. Sam and Kaycee haven’t returned yet. Bayleigh talks to Chris about being too cocky and says he’s going to have a target because he’s an athlete. He appreciates the advice and hey, they’re being grown-ups! Chris talks to himself about his plan to be a puppet master. Then he talks to Angela about maybe agreeing to keep one another safe, but Angela thinks they should stick to their own platform. That’s not a bad plan, actually.

Final round! Angela and Chris are standing on small platforms and wearing future TRON clothes. They’re “surfing” the Web, you see. The one who stays standing the longest wins. The platforms start moving around. Then the screen displays a back door website (Not that kind, perv.) And then doors come at them. I don’t know how to explains any of this. Angela has to duck to avoid a door. Various BB related websites pop up and each one sends another obstacle at them. After more than thirty minutes, Angela drops, but Chris was looking pretty shaky too. It could have gone either way, really. Chris tells Angela that she pushed him and he’s safe.

And here’s the twist. You don’t choose individual people. You pick two of the four move-in groups to be safe. Oh, I like that a lot. Just silently wreck that strategy.

Oh, snap. I got it. Steve looks like Howard Kremer! Google him – you’ll see it.

So the group of Chris, Rachel, Angie, and Brett is pretty much a lock. But which other group will he save? The groups hit him up for safety and man, this is a bad position to be in. It’s actually making me very uncomfortable. Kaycee returns to the house and she’s wearing a costume that makes her look like the colorful spinning wheel that tells you your Mac isn’t loading. That’s not much of a punishment!

The little terminal comes to life and it’s a robot! It talks with Sam’s voice. They turned Sam into a robot! Man, would I love to drop a Westworld spoilee, but it’s too soon. It would be funny though. Sam totally plays it up and keeps referring to herself as a robot. I assume she’s in solitary and controlling the robot, but I can’t write anything off. Sam is actually quite funny and I’m enjoying this dumb bit. Julie explains things – Kaycee has to wear that costume until the first elimination. Also, when the pinwheel on her chest starts spinning, she can’t leave whatever room she’s in until it stops. OK, that evens things out a bit.

When Sam hears the words “Robot Offline”, she goes to the Diary Room to become human again, until she hears “Robot Online”. This is very weird and I’m into it.

Time to decide who’s safe! Obviously Chris, Brett, Rachel, and Angie make the cut. But the other group? He picks Kaycee, Scottie, Haleigh, and Faysal. That’s not really where I saw him going, but there you are.

Tomorrow Myndi will bring you the first HoH competition and more twists! Man, this was a long premiere!

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