Previously on Big Brother: We met this year’s hamsters. Myndi and I refused to use their demanded nicknames. Angela and Christopher Swaggington III won the first challenges, with Chris coming out on top and selecting eight Houseguests to be immune from eviction. Sam turned into a robot. Tyler won HoH and nominated Steve and Sam. It’s a lot right off the bat.

So, Myndi thinks Steve looks like a chubby Jimmy Smits, and I just want to register the nickname “Fail Organa”. I also thought of “Blobby Simone”, but I don’t really like to do personal appearance jokes. Also, he’s not that big and it’s not like I have room to talk. The point is, I’m putting a lot of work into coming up with nicknames based on Jimmy Smits characters, and it’s not going great.

Nobody seems happy with the nominations, especially Sam. Tyler tries to be overly nice, even though he’s the guy who nominated her. Steve assures Kaycee that he’s “ready to rock”. Tyler goes outside and cries and he DRs that he’s faking it but I can’t tell. Robot Sam hangs out in the pantry – she tells Angie that she would like everybody to come talk to her one at a time. Which would usually be absurd but she’s a robot and not mobile enough to seek people out.

Oh man, this is that Bob’s Burgers episode where Tina broke her leg and she had to use a robot to go to school. Is the robot going to have a showmance because Sam’s too shy in person?

Bayleigh comes to see her and could not be more bored. JC tells her she’s not going home. Several people want to adjust her volume. Tyler holds her robot hand because he’s grown-up Jimmy Jr. She asks Kaitlyn for her thoughts and it gets into a weird area where Kaitlyn won’t talk about what Sam wants to, but it’s not clear what Sam wants to talk about.

Which actually makes sense. Sam will only talk about “things that matter” as a person. So she basically just wants everybody to come in and reassure her rather than tell her what she needs to do. And that would usually be needy, but Sam is actually alone in a room with a remote control and a webcam. She’s missing out on everything and this is a chance to actually interact with everybody in the house. I get where she’s coming from because she’s in a weird situation that has no precedent on this show. Just make Sam feel included! A life coach should get that. Unless she’s 24 and has barely lived her own life anyway. (I’m not a Kaitlyn fan.)

Scottie and Steve talk strategy and that’s a great alliance of people nobody will ever ask to be in an alliance. Steve says his social game is “awesome”, and that leads into a montage of Steve talking to Scottie. Yeah, rad social game.

Chris talks about how great Bayleigh is and they’re already sharing a bed and talking all night. And apparently reading the Bible, which may or may not be a euphemism. And then Bayleigh wins me over my telling him that his nickname is dumb because he gave it to himself. Yes! That’s why I’m not using it! If it evolves naturally and people use it because of familiarity and shared experience, that’s great. If you declare that I am to call you “Swaggy C” or “Rockstar”, I’m just irritated. Bayleigh knows the score! She even DRs about how dumb it is and now we’re best friends.

Kaycee gets trapped in the pantry because her pinwheel starts spinning and that is not a sentence that makes sense in any other context. There’s a montage of her being trapped places, but when she complains it’s kinda hollow because Sam is a robot. I bet she’d switch!

Brett tells us he feels secure with Angela, Rachel, Winston, Tyler, Kaycee, and Brett. Yes, he included himself. They dub themselves “Level 6” and make up a handshake. Does nobody on this show realize how dumb that nonsense is?

Winston looks like James Adomian when he puts glasses on.

Chris tells Kaitlyn that he feels like he’s getting too close with Bayleigh. Then he gets Tyler in on this and that seems like a smart thought to share with other people in this environment. Then at night, Chris and Bayleigh make out a bit and he immediately freaks out in both the bathroom and the Diary Room about what a dumb move that is and how he blew up his game.

Everybody hangs out outside. Scottie and Sam sit by themselves and talk about how awesome sunglasses are. Then a bird lands on the fence and it’s exciting because what else do they have? Then Kaitlyn says it’s her grandfather because she asked for a sign so clearly the next thing that happened was going to be a sign. I hate that kind of stuff – everybody’s enjoying something and she has to make it all about her.

Sam can’t join in anything because she’s a robot. It’s actually very funny if you ignore there’s a person who’s sad. And then the robot goes offline and Sam gets to rejoin the house, but everybody kind of ignores her. It’s lonely because you haven’t had that personal time and you’re in this circumstance that forces people to make snap judgments and she’s been left out of that. I get it, Sam. She cries in the bedroom and some people come to cheer her up and I give them credit for making an effort. As funny as I find the robot, I get that this is really hard on her and is really detrimental to her game. I don’t like that JC thinks she’s making herself a target by feeling sad. That’s some Marge Simpson gameplay right there.

Later, they get buckets of slop. For some reason, there’s what appears to be seaweed in it now. There are supposed to be four Have-Nots and Tyler asks for volunteers. Kaitlyn, Brett, Winston, and Scottie all agree. Then we see the Have-Not room and it’s got weird lighting and sparks and the beds are these pedestals that are three feet or so around. You can actually fit if you curl up, so it all depends on your preferred sleeping position. They could be comfy or they could be a crampy mess.

Chris, Faysal, and Brett play pool and make an agreement that they won’t nominate one another. Winston refuses to go outside because he thinks it would make him look disloyal to his alliance. Brett doesn’t consider it a real deal, unless it benefits him. Level 6 talks about this discussion and they are not into Chris’ idea that he’s running the game.

Kaitlyn, Faysal, Haleigh, Chris, and Angie decide that they’re an alliance. Get out of there, Faysal and Haleigh! You still have potential!  Kaitlyn suggests “FOUTHE”, which is a acronym for “Five Of Us ‘Til The End”. And if you noticed that there should be two t’s and no h, well, you’re ahead of Kaitlyn. Chris has to point it out to here, so it becomes “Foutte” and everybody hates it, but there you go.

Now it’s the App Store. Whoever is “trending” (and I’m not super clear on how they measure that) gets a reward, regardless of whether they’re trending for good or bad reasons. Which is going to encourage some awful behavior but, I fear. The least trending person gets a punishment in the form of a “Crap App”. Everybody has to go up to that room that they used for the temptations last season. Or was it two years ago? This is the eleventh season that I’ve co-recapped and it’s all becoming a blur. Once you get an app, you’re not eligible for another one. I don’t know if you can get a reward if you previously got a punishment, so we’ll see how that goes. I’m sure somebody knows the rules.

They all go up in turn and it goes on forever. Most of them don’t really do anything interesting. I’m shocked that Steve doesn’t get the Crap App, because who’s talking about him? Maybe being a nominee means he’s automatically more of a topic of conversation. Faysal actually gets the Crap App. I get it, actually. He hasn’t been on screen much and right now he’s the handsome guy who hasn’t made an impression. There’s not much to say about him. Now, the Crap Apps hall have names like real Internet things. And would it kill them to add “Spunky Beans” which would require some level of bean consumption?

So Faysal picks “Hamazon”, which shows a picture of ham. Um. He’s a practicing Muslim and can’t eat pork. Why would you pick the thing based on a food your religion forbids? Sure, you don’t know what it is exactly, but there’s a decent chance that ham is involved. The punishment is that Hamazon will be delivering packages of ham. When the doorbell rings, he has to eat all the ham in that delivery. That’s when he points out that he’s a Muslim and hopes they have a ham substitute. Dude? You’re the one who looked at the picture of ham and figured it couldn’t possibly have anything to do with ham.

Chris is genuinely shook by the fact that he doesn’t win. It rocks his worldview that he’s not trending. He gets super bratty about it and blames America and I want to like him but he has to stop being the way he is. You know who wins? Sam! Obviously we’re talking about the lady who turned into a robot!

She picks “Bonus Life” which gives her the chance that she (or another evicted houseguest) can get back in the house after eviction. If it’s not used by week four, the fourth eviction automatically returns. I’m guessing that, if used, at Week Four there will be a competition between that week’s evictee and anybody who might have used this power. (I don’t know if the same rewards are available week to week.) So there’s some strategy here, but it’s something to hold on to. Also, if Sam survives and doesn’t use it, she’s got a fun Week Four tidbit that could let her do some interesting things.

Next episode is the Veto Competition, and Myndi will bring you all the action and tears and dumb alliance names!



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