It’s Big Brother Season 21! Big Brother is old enough to drink! And we are ready for a new season of recaps, constantly changing strong opinions about people we’ll never meet, and ill advised twists. It is going to be awesome, so let’s bring it on.

Hey, it’s Julie Chen! This year they’re going with a summer camp theme which includes a tree in the living room. I have never been to summer camp, so I’ll just assume everything is accurate. Julie is still going by “Julie Chen-Moonves” and I remain torn. There’s something a little badass about invoking her husband’s name at the network that fired him but also, you know, he did some bad stuff. Maybe Julie should read some articles about it. But we’re not here to dig into Julie’s marriage. We’re here to meet some Houseguests!

Oh, they’re going to give one Houseguest an unprecedented power! I hope it’s heat vision!

Square-head Jackson shoots guns and pulls his key out of a beer cooler. His mother tells him to be considerate and her head is head-shaped. Nicole plays a child’s xylophone and shows her dad a drawing of a pegasus. She’s weird. Tommy talks about Newsies, which Myndi brought up in the Snap Judgments. His dad took dance classes to support him and he doesn’t want people to know he’s a superfan. That’s… not exactly unique on this show.

A hot lady rides a mechanical bull. Her name is Kathryn and she talks about Texas a lot. And she talks very fast. John Moschitta’s illegitimate child, this one. Ovi is kind of sweet and awkward and brags about his college achievements.

Guys? When Holly gets her key, she tells her horse “I wish you spoke English right now”. OK, so…. WHAT LANGUAGE DOES HER HORSE SPEAK? Kemi tells us that she’s a reformed mean girl. She tried to change this year but failed. So not so much reformed, then. Holly tells us how attractive she is, and she’s not wrong but it’s a bit much. Jack notes that he looks like Jason Momoa and unless a good Aquaman pun comes along, Khal Fauxgo is a pretty good nickname. He talks about his super cute dog a lot.

Those are the first eight and they’re headed to the house. First up are Tommy, Jack, Kathryn, and Nicole. They hug and freak out about the house. Nicole compares herself to a preschooler and we were all thinking it. Tommy is exuberant in a fun way. He’s smitten with Jack. Jackson, Kathryn, Ovi, and Kemi enter the house next. Kathryn is into Jackson and she can do better than Gumby’s enemy. Jackson knows how much he threatens people, so he bonds with Ovi over their shared alma mater. Jack heads for the fish tank because he’s really leaning into this.

Julie teases the possibility that some of these people might already know one another. I actually kind of like when they do that – it’s better than most of the twists that self-destruct immediately.

More Houseguests! Christie owns a clothing boutique but she also tries to get a lady to buy a stick from her. She’s a lesbian and she also talks about “manifesting” herself onto Big Brother with the power of her thoughts. That second part is what makes her irritating. Sam Smith is not the singer who wrote the SPECTRE theme, but he’s a trucker who is maybe doing a bit to be funny or maybe he always talks like that. (P.S. – The only way I am aware of current musicians is if they do a James Bond theme.) He has tiny children who will definitely miss him. Isabella’s mother is horrified that she’s going to be on a reality show and there’s no good way for me to say this but they lean into every Chinese stereotype they can. She actually gets her key while she’s at a Chinese restaurant.

Nick has a motorcycle and admits he’s obnoxious. He’s very sweet with a child (he’s a child therapist) and he wants people in the house to think he’s dumb. Jessica is a plus-size model and talks about nothing but that.

Cliff (full name: Cliff Hogg III) does not have the voice you’d assume he would and he’s the rarest of BB contestants – one who’s older than I am. Analyse wears only bikinis and is good at soccer. David is a photographer who says “nice” every time he takes a picture.

Cliff, Isabella, David, and Analyse are the next to enter. We’re not seeing all the jockeying for bedrooms that we usually do. Jackson tells everybody he eats two watermelons a day. He and Jack talk about how cool the other one is

Finally, Sam, Nick, Jessica, and Christie move in. Tommy knows Christie – she dated “somebody in (his) family” for seven years. Is that the much older woman she alluded to? Did Christie date Tommy’s grandma? They separately decide to keep that secret. And then it’s time to totally organically break out the champagne and introduce themselves. Jack makes a boner joke that I will not dignify by repeating.

Jackson is into Analyse. Nobody has mentioned his square head yet. Kemi makes a joke that bombs but she says in the Diary Room it’s because everybody else is wrong. Nicole calls Jack “Hashtag Aquaman” and that did not require a hashtag. She’s a seven year old who wished to be big. (Speaking of superheroes and hashtags, how great was that bit in The Tick where Superion pronounces it “Haschtahg”?) Kathryn compares Jack to “Jason Mimosa” and that’s the edit team’s first use of the buzzer this week. Isabella threatens to stab people in the Diary Room. It’s gonna get weird.

Julie summons them to the living room and everybody shrieks with delight. She explains they’re going to elect a Camp Director. This person will be safe or the first week and will “impact the first HoH” and “could single-handedly put your game in jeopardy”. Well, that’s very vague. They’ll have a vote soon. Jack wonders if anybody wants to just volunteer. Yes, they all want to volunteer for extra power. Cliff is the first to claim that it should go to him. So does David. This is very dumb. Hey, Jessica would also like your vote. Jackson also wants it because his head looks like a ballot box. I love that they’re all acting like they’re doing everybody a favor by demanding more power.

Wow, Christie wants to vote for Jessica because she’s a Libra. Basically, all of the women and Tommy lock into voting for Jessica. Or so it would seem. I don’t know if any of these people are liars yet. Jackson campaigns to Jack. That won’t get confusing. It’s probably easier to thing of them as Beefcake Tim Kalpakis and Dollar Store Aquaman.

Jackson moves on to working people who don’t share his name and he tells Nicole he’s afraid that nobody will vote for him because he’s too handsome. That’s enough for her. Isabella is worried that Jackson has more votes, so she should vote for him. That logic wins over a lot of people and we clearly have a bunch of dummies in here. We’re not off to a great critical thinking start here.

Vote time! We see people dropping ballots into podiums and only see who a few of them selected. Then everybody goes and stands at their respective podiums. Julie tells them to put on goggles. Lest they be blinded by democracy. Everybody who got zero votes is sprayed with paint. It’s a lot of paint at such high velocity that it knocks Isabella over. Jack, Jessica, Nick, and Jackson are still in the running. Until Jack and Nick are out for getting only one vote each. Then Jessica gets a face full of paint and that means the first BB contestant to be designed in Minecraft is the Camp Director.

Now it’s time to explain what this means. He gets to banish four houseguests – then they have to compete to get back in. Three of them will come back and one will be out. Boy, that’s kind of a mean way to start the game. You’re making three enemies immediately. Well, this position is less fun than it seemed!

We’ll find out who’s banished tomorrow and we’ll also crown the first Head of Household. Myndi will guide you through the drama like the pro she is.

Share Button

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *