Previously on Big Brother: Michie won HoH and it says something about who’s left in the house that I was legitimately excited about that. I still think he has serious problems particularly in regards to some casual sexism, but at least he’s funny now that his alliance exploded. He put up Christie and Sis and America really responded positively to that Christie nomination.

So, my DVR chose to spontaneously reboot seconds before the episode began and I missed the first few minutes. I assume that was mostly recap and I didn’t miss anything key to understanding the episode.

When the episode finally gets to my TV, Christie is happily telling Tommy and Sis that the house is a joke and she doesn’t care anymore. Sis is supportive but DRs that her social game is good and she will have the votes to stay no matter who they put her up against. Oh yeah? Well, what if the other nominee is…. Paul Rudd? You will be evicted unanimously so fast!

Tommy DRs that he’s good with Michie and Holly and maybe blind loyalty to Christie is not the key to longevity in this game. Michie tells him that he’s a threat but he hasn’t been disloyal, so there’s no reason to put him up. Man, Tommy flipped fast. Michie tells us that Tommy will be the replacement nominee if Sis gets the Veto, because that’s the only way to ensure that Christie goes home. Unless he puts up Paul Rudd. Later, Holly asks Michie how it went and he tells her the things we just saw. It’s like the opening of Suicide Squad where they introduce all the characters in the first scene and then in the second scene they introduce them again.

I think Sis has a cross tattooed on her hand. If that’s for religious reasons, well, I think you need to keep in mind that you move your hand around and it’s real easy to end up with everybody seeing a upside down cross, which is probably not the intended message. Unless it is. I don’t know what’s going on in Sis’ spiritual life.

Jessica talks to the nominees, who are moping around in bed. Apparently, Jessica wants Christie to stay because she’s a powerful ally. Arguably, but she’s never once been an ally to Jessica. Poor Jessica wants to retroactively join an alliance. She was always part of the Six Shooters, but history forgot her. Like how Triumph helped found the Justice League. I feel like there’s a more mainstream reference I could use there, but I can’t pull it. I’ll think of it while I’m trying to fall asleep tonight, I bet.

This turns into everybody being irritated with Nick, and I wonder if they’re trying to make it look like there’s a big surprise coming tonight. This season has taught me there is probably not. Anyway, Sis asks Nick if he wins the Veto to use it on Christie. He says no, because he can’t guarantee Sis will be safe if he does. He clearly heard about the Paul Rudd as replacement nominee plan. She asks Nick if he’s working with Holly and Michie and he acts like that’s a crazy idea, but Nick is working with everybody all the time, regardless of whether they know and/or welcome it. Sis tries to report this back to Christie and Tommy, but then Nick walks in. Christie asks Nick what he would do if he plays for the Veto and he says he’s take Sis off if he wins Veto. Christie DRs that he’s sketchy, and I think him honestly telling her something she doesn’t want to hear is the opposite of sketchy. She wonders whose side he’s on, when the obvious takeaway from his honest answer is “not you”. Christie is a bit much.

Time to pick players for the Veto! Michie draws Cliff Hogg III, and he does use the first and last name, which is a point in his favor. Christie gets Nick, which has Michie a little nervous. And then Sis picks Holly. Christie tells Sis that she will win and Nick is working with Michie. Which is great because Michie has no idea that Nick has no interest in vetoing Christie. Tommy writes this off as paranoia, which is largely correct, so he goes to talk to Nick. He asks Nick if he has a deal with Michie and Holly, and Nick denies it and isn’t sure where this is coming from. He’s even irritated by the question so he heads to Christie and Sis and asks why they’re questioning him. Christie seems to believe the world is a conspiracy against her and Sis is suspicious of the guy who promised to take her off the block. They need somebody to blame for their misery, I guess.

Man, Sis knows she’s a pawn, she knows Nick is willing to Veto her, and she’s still participating in this witch hunt. And this is amazing. She cries in the shower while Tommy consoles her and he says “You can always look at me and see home” and he’s getting teary because it’s his movie moment, but she doesn’t hear him and he has to repeat it twice but he tries to keep the same teary expression and I am dying over here. Also, this scene has subtitles because the water’s running. The third time Tommy says it, it’s in all caps. HA! And then Christie’s next words are subtitled as “Ee thad crathy ihn hern, oh!” And that’s very mean on the editors’ part but also hilarious.\

This show can be dumb and repetitive and manipulative and frustrating, but man alive, I love it with all my heart.

And now it’s time for the Veto Competition! Host Tommy is dressed as a squid and outside there’s a lot of rocks and coral. Nicole wants to sit inside a giant shell as an “Aquatopian Mermaid Princess”. Remember, she’s seven and made a wish to be Big. They have a bunch of bars suspended like a baby’s mobile. They have to hang a pair of plush sea creatures on each bar to keep them balanced. Whoever balances all their bars without anything touching the ground wins. Also, they all have to wear swim fins, and unless you’re Flaming Carrot, those things are not fun to walk around in.

Hey, did you notice how Christie never talks about manifesting when things aren’t going her way? Also, every time somebody’s bars unbalance, the show plays a slide whistle sound effect.

And then Cliff Hogg III steps into an absolutely amazing double entendre. “I haven’t handled this many rods since that fishing trip with the guys out to the Gulf of Mexico”. So I’m dying, and then he adds “You know, way before the wife”. And that makes it seem like he really did mean something dirty and the clear implication is that Cliff was handling his friends’ Hoggs on a fishing trip. This episode belongs in the Smithsonian.

Michie and Christie are the only ones doing a halfway decent job until Michie loses everything. Also, they have to blur his butt crack. But he gets back on track really quickly. And then Christie loses everything just as Michie finishes his up and wins the Veto. I was more invested in that than I expected.

There’s some obvious tension after the competition, but Holly and Tommy are oblivious because they realized they’re both wearing red bathing suits so they should run in slow motion. This sequence scored by somebody who did not have time to come up with a Baywatch soundalike. Christie goes to complain to Sis that it’s so unfair that Tommy and Holly are laughing and having fun, so she makes Sis tell him that it really hurt her feelings. Christie goes to another bedroom and cries while having an imaginary conversation with Tommy. The real Tommy goes to see her and she says she’s fine even though she is audibly sobbing. Tommy gets that she’s looking for somebody to blame but it still hurts. And also, he can’t blow up his game just because hers is nearly over. I mean, he does need to interact with the rest of the house. You’re sharing a house all summer – you’re going to goof around with just about everybody.

Christie decides she’s going to save herself with the power of manifestation. Oh, honey, no. Then she goes to see Holly and Michie to tell them that she “literally” loves them. Then she says she could protect them if she stays. She thinks America would love her comeback story, and well, when she finds out what was trending on Twitter this weekend she’ll know exactly how funny that was. Somehow, her words move Holly to tears and Michie has the exact same inert facial expression that he’s had for three weeks now. He’s starting to get shark eyes. He tells Christie that she’s a threat and DRs that she can’t fix the damage that’s been done. Everybody is being so honest with her and she still thinks they’re sketchy.

Veto meeting. Michie is not vetoing either of the people he nominated, which is what you’d expect. Paul Rudd breathes a sigh of relief. That’s that!

Myndi will be here tomorrow for a live eviction and what I assume will be a lot of drama. I can’t wait!

 

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