The new season of Big Brother premieres tonight and as ever, we’re going to be recapping and obsessing over it.  And part of that obsessing involves checking out the new contestants.  Our recap team sized up the new Houseguests and we’re ready to share our findings.

HOLLY – The biggest thing people know about Holly is that she used to date somebody involved with the Bachelor franchise.  I have no further details because unless it was Chris Harrison, their name and backstory will mean nothing to me.  She’s a former Miss Wyoming because we always need a pageanteer on this show.  That is not a word.  She’s a big fan of her dog.  And the thing I find most notable is that she admits in the interview that she hasn’t watched the show much.  I noticed a lot more of that this year, with a few people who clearly only saw a season or two and others who haven’t watched at all.  After years of superfans, this is an interesting change.  As for Holly herself, I think she may be a physical threat in competitions – if you can ride a horse standing up, you’re going to nail those balance competitions.  I think she’ll make it at least to Jury. (EJ)

DAVID – Another person who hasn’t watched the show!  His strategy is to watch two seasons of Big Brother and figure out what to do from that.  That’s hilarious to me.  Watch two random seasons of this show with shifting rules and build your strategy on that.  David’s going to come in with all sorts of great ideas for what to do in the Hacker competitions.  Beyond that, David is very proud of his teeth and very much wants to tell you about them.  He’s handsome and kind of blandly positive, which means he’ll probably go far or be eliminated in Week Two because he’s perceived as a threat. (EJ)

NICOLE – I’m obsessed with this now because it’s three in a row.  Nicole doesn’t specifically address how much she’s watched the show, but her favorite player is Paul, and that means she saw one season and that was the one where everybody tried to help Paul win.  Of course, since she’s 24, she was five when the first season premiered and I was an adult with a house, so I’m just going to turn to dust.  Nicole bugs me immediately because she has to explain everything she says.  You don’t have to tell us what “hard-working” means when they ask you for three adjectives!  And as much as I want to like somebody who, at 24, brags that she’s played all the Nancy Drew video games, but between Nicole’s refusal to just answer a question without lengthy explanation and her professed obsession with the grammar of others it feels like she’d be very irritating to live with and I think she’ll be out early. (EJ)

TOMMY – My daughter, an aspiring theater major and hopeful future Tony winner, spotted Tommy right away as a Broadway actor, and Newsies alum.  He’s going to be a powerhouse in the game because no one makes it on the Great White Way without loads of determination and a thick skin, things that would serve anyone well in Big Brother.  Also, dancers are insanely athletic. Plus, he sounds very family oriented and close to his Italian roots, which could allow him to charm everyone through cooking. He mentions wanting to take Benadryl into the house, and all I can say to that is…are these people being deprived of over the counter medications?  (MYNDI)

KATHRYN – You want to look at Kathryn and hold back from stereotyping her based on her pink dress, long blond curls and perfect makeup, but it turns out she is exactly what you think at first glance, right down to the phrase “when I was in training camp for the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders”.  Her life revolves around social media–creating content and producing photo shoots for her friends.  She says if she doesn’t have her phone on her at all times, she starts “salivating at the mouth”.  So, basically, Kathryn will mimic a symptom of rabies when she loses her phone.  That is going to be a weird season premiere.  She also doesn’t watch TV, so we’re already mortal enemies. (MYNDI)

KEMI – I want to like Kemi, but her profile is made up entirely of red flags.  And not just that her three adjectives are a full paragraph and her favorite player is Rachel Reilly.  Every thing she says is just the worst possible answer.  Like pointing out behavior her friends call ‘toxic’ but then disagreeing with them.  She seems hilariously petty and more than a little obnoxious.  Also, she wants to bring the book The Coldest Winter because it’s the best book.  First, do you re-read your favorite book every three months?  Wouldn’t you want a book you haven’t read.  Besides that, she might mean The Coldest Winter Ever, unless she’s super into a non-fiction account of the history of the Korean war.  Anyway, she seems like somebody who thrives on conflict, and unless she’s a brilliant player, that’ll her get her evicted early. (EJ)

JESSICA – Jessica is a fairly well-known plus-size model, refused to give her age in her bio (“30ish”), and she doesn’t sweat.  That’s already a lot to take in.  She also answers questions more awkwardly than a predictive text program. “I’m someone who observes actions”, she says, which maybe means she’s also Uatu the Watcher.  Sworn not to intervene but tasked to observe, Jessica is the Watcher.  Everything just seems odd and I think I might have imagined her bio and she’s not really a houseguest.  Either way, I think she falls short of jury. (EJ)

CLIFF HOGG III –  OK, so Cliff is 53, works as a petroleum engineer in Houston and wears a cowboy hat unironically.  He also says he loves debating politics, so I will be positively shocked if this man was not cast to rep the MAGA folk.  If that’s the case, I really hope he’s gone night one, especially since he calls his marriage one of his “most proud involvements”. (MYNDI)

OVI – Ovi actually made me laugh right away when one of the three adjectives he used to describe himself was “brown”.  And then again when he said his dog needs him because the dog is kind of dumb.  And then a third time when his winning strategy was multiple paragraphs long but when you break it down he basically just plans to have a good alliance, not get voted out, and get all the votes on finale night  Why hasn’t anybody thought of that before?  That plus his Croc obsession puts him right in the sweet spot of “kind of funny” and “sort of a dingus” that can be very fun to watch.  I think he’ll make it quite a while, largely because he seems pleasant and nonthreatening.  But at some point, he’s going to the weakest member in an alliance and that’ll be it. (EJ)

NICK – I’m not sure what kind of therapist Nick is, but he’s got a bit of a confusing profile overall.  He’s the only one to mention out loud how afraid he will be to poop in the house because of all the pretty girls, but he also mentions how much he loves helping kids, which he indicates is part of his job.  He is also a huge mama’s boy, with a lot of well thought out strategies for the game based on past contestants. HIs life’s motto is that “you have to live your life like you only die once.”  Guys, it’s entirely possible that Nick is a vampire or zombie.  (MYNDI)

JACK – Jack has clearly missed a huge opportunity by not getting work as Jason Momoa’s body double, but he seems so laid back, I doubt he’s sweating it.  He loves crossfit, photography and his dog.  I’m guessing he’s also a huge fan of an assortment of hair products, because he must have a secret to maintaining such lustrous locks. (MYNDI)

JACKSON – First off, good job on the perfectly square head there, Jackson. And that is the most interesting thing about Jackson.  His bio could not be more bro-y and I feel like I’m already bored with him.  True story, I handled the rest of my write-ups 24 hours earlier and then just stopped because I’m so bored by Jackson that I couldn’t come up with anything.  I still can’t.  He’s just the kind of bro who will probably make it to final five, though. (EJ)

CHRISTIE – Christie seems like the most relatable of the females who proclaim themselves to be badasses.  She’s a lesbian, but since she’s more feminine, she thinks this will allow her to befriend all the girls while not being a threat to any of their showmances or an athletic threat to the guys. I guess that would be the Kaycee model, just with blonder hair.  Is it weird that I’m struck by how many of these people will miss their iPods in 2019? (MYNDI)

SAM – Sam, along with his big chain necklace and massive arm tattoo, is every guy I swipe left on Bumble. I’m sorry if that sounds mean, but these are Snap Judgements after all.  His favorite alcoholic drink is Twisted Tea and he is a big fan of Yeti coolers.  Plus, he says his motto is “If you’re not living on the edge, you’re taking up too much space.” I’m not even sure what that means, but I don’t care for it, not one bit.  (MYNDI)

ANALYSE – This college soccer star says she tans so much people call her “Lizard”, which she finds ironic since she fears them.  Um, perhaps you should focus on fearing skin cancer?  Just a thought.  Reading her bio, it really doesn’t appear much of anything has been an obstacle in Analyse’s life during her first 22 years. She says it will be hard not knowing what’s going on in the world, but these days, that sounds like heaven to me.  Her instagram motto is rather off putting to my Gen Xer mind: “Be a bad ass with a good ass.” (MYNDI)

ISABELLA – Guys?  Isabella’s bio is nuts.  Most of it is her trying too hard to be funny, but in the fun facts, we learn that she climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro.  It doesn’t say when it happened, but the story indicates that she was still living at home, and since she’s 22, almost any story about her past happened when she was a teenager.  And that’s kind of awesome, surreptitiously climbing a mountain.  If that had been the story I’d be all “You go, Isabella”.  But the focus of her anecdote is on how she pretended to be at a friend’s house and when her mom would call, her friend would say she had diarrhea and couldn’t come to the phone.  First off, wouldn’t mom follow up if she thought her daughter had been pooping for four days straight?  But more importantly, that is the least interesting part of the story and that’s what she’s focusing on.  So either she’s very bad at telling stories or this whole thing is a lie and she’s adding too many details to try and sell it.  And so Isabella went from being potentially awesome to supremely irritating in record time.  (EJ)

 

See you tonight for the premiere!

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