Previously on Celebrity Apprentice:  Well, the whole season happened and there’s no way I can handle reliving it all over again.  But most recently, Penn Jillette and Trace Adkins were picked as the final two, and they had to create ice cream for a drug store and sell tickets to their ice cream party.  Penn was given Lisa Rinna, LaToya Jackson and Dennis Rodman for his team, while Trace got Lil Jon, Marilu Henner and Gary Busey.  So if you thought you were out of the woods, you are mistaken.

We start off in Central Park.  Trump is there, as are Penn and Trace, who are both drawing fake crowds with their performances.  Trace is singing a song about winning Celebrity Apprentice that does not contain rhymes or meter.  And then the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen happens.  Trump pulls out a harmonica and belts out a tune (clearly added in post-production), but he gets way into it.  He bends his knees and lowers himself as he rocks out his sweet harmonica solo like he’s half of a John Popper.  It looks insane, and then the crowd applauds.  But we know that there’s no way Trump plays harmonica and there was almost definitely no actual sound happening.  So they have been instructed to applaud Trump thrashing around for several seconds.  Can you imagine if they had to do multiple takes?  It’s nuts.  Trump frames the competition (and not for the first time) as “Nashville vs. Vegas”, which already kind of tells you how this is going to go down.  (and that it was essentially planned that way from the outset.  Sigh.–Myndi)

Trump enters the auditorium where a crowd of easily impressed people freak out about seeing him.  Hey, there’s Powder!  Oh, wait.  That’s just Eric Trump.  Hi, Eric!  Poor Eric is forced to sit in the audience, because Ivanka and Joan Rivers get the big table.  The announcer calls Trump “the original all-star”, because words don’t mean things anymore.  Trump talks about how great his show is for a bit, and then get ready to parse this word salad:  “We brought back our most star-studded crowd, and real superstars in many cases.  Not in all cases, but in many cases.”  I’m not even sure of the intended meaning there, but I think he’s crapping on some of this year’s contestants.  And with that, we go to the video.  First, it’s a recap of the season to date.  Sigh.  Actually, I retract that sigh.  It’s a ridiculously long recap and I don’t have to re-recap it.  Way to take some time off the clock, NBC!

Live version of the opening credits with audience applause!  I don’t know how a group of people are applauding this long, and I expect cattle prods are involved.  Finally, ten minutes, we pick up where we left off with Penn’s video being ten seconds too long.  Lisa suggests cutting out the bit where Dennis stands up at the end, revealing he’s been under the table the whole time.  Penn’s sort of in love with it, but decides to cut it but then show it as an outtake afterwards.  I’m wondering why they don’t just speed up the playback by 15% – they do that with syndicated episodes of TV shows all the time, to squeeze in more ads.  It’s noticeable, but only if you have seen that episode of The Simpsons twenty times.  Since there’s not a lot of motion in Penn’s ad, I think that would work just fine.  Unless it’s already sped up and that’s as far as they can go without breaking it.  Anyway, if you spent the week worrying about the length of Penn’s video (Which I sort of did.), it has now been resolved as of the first commercial break.

Now we go back to the live show.  Trump introduces Ivanka and Joan Rivers.  Ivanka’s hair is feathered to an insane degree, but it’s not the most unfortunate hair choice we’ll see tonight. This is also our first look at pregnant Ivanka.  Unsurprisingly, she’s wearing it well.  Then he introduces his sons, and I had no idea that he was related to Edgar Winter.  Oh, wait.  That’s just Eric Trump.  Hi, Eric!  Eric just seems happy to be acknowledged, but Don Jr. maybe is not thrilled to be relegated to the studio audience.  He’s hard to read though, what with his Trump face.  And then it’s back to the task!

Team Penn travels across town in their van, and Penn explains to the team that they’ve got Debbie Harry, Blue Man Group, Taylor Hicks, and Wayne Newton.  This is done offhandedly, which is weird after last week’s thing about the parade in Phoenix.  If you’re creating fake tension, you need to remember it from week to week!  Lisa explains the task to us again.  I feel like she’s had to do more of these than anybody else this season.  I am not going to run the numbers, because I’m not insane.

Over at Team Trace, Trace says into the phone that “I need Jesus to come through for me tonight.”  First off, who is he calling?  Because it sounds like he’s calling Jesus’ agent, and that doesn’t fit into my cosmology.  Second, this gets applause from the crowd.  I’ll probably say this a lot during Big Brother season, but no matter what religion you follow, your guy does not want to be involved in reality shows.  Trace announces that Tim Tebow is going to bring $200,000, but he has to be there by six.  FORESHADOWING!  Also, if I knew things about sports, I could make a joke about how Tebow really isn’t very good, but we know that’s not me.  You get the recapper that you get.  Trace, and I am not making this up, explains that Jesus is more powerful than Teller.  You know, I’m not totally comfortable with either of these guys invoking their religion or lack of same.  I think it’s gross in a reality show context to imply that you’ve got the Almighty on your side, thus implying that He doesn’t care about Opportunity Village because Penn backed the wrong horse.  I hate it, and I wish people would cut it out.

Penn’s team arrives at the event space with lots of balloons.  Man, Sinbad would be so happy right now.  (That’s right, recap deep cuts!  I am hell up out of here.)  They set up tables for the event, and Penn’s not sure about the layout.  “This is the stuff that really, really matters to people other than me.”  As soon as LaToya questions one of his placement choices, he just says “I don’t know”, and walks away.  He leaves Lisa and LaToya in charge of decoration, which they seem to be enjoying.

And now Trace’s team arrives.  He explains that having Busey sing a Buddy Holly song seems like a great idea, but he’s worried about the result.  Busey rehearses and it is not good.  It’s karaoke from your most embarrassing friend.  Also, Lil Jon pronounces “guesstimate” with a soft “g”.  I think I’ll start that.  It’s the cool way to say it!  Trace talks musical stuff with the band, and then we cut back to the live portion of the show.

Trump brings out the first group of contestants, reminding us that they were all fired.  Nice.  Dee Snider, Stephen “Flea” Baldwin, Claudia Jordan, Omarosa, and Brande Roderick.  Now, Omarosa has Hannah Simone’s hairstyle right now.  She went to the salon and asked them to give her a CeCe.  Brande, who I like a whole lot, has an updo that looks like a helment.  It looks like she is trying to hide the fact that she has a second brain mounted atop her head.  (My friend Becky:  “She’s a pretty girl.  Why would she do that?”)

This is basically everybody who isn’t involved with the final task, except for Bret Michaels.  More on that later.  Trump leads off by asking Omarosa why she’s so confrontational, and it turns into the two of them talking about how great the show is.  She also says that what LaToya said about Michael Clarke Duncan was “disgusting”.  Now, she might have gone over the line (like saying Omarosa pulled the plug on him), but she didn’t insult a dead man, the way Omarosa did making fun of Michael Jackson.  But accuracy has never been an issue here.  Next, Trump asks Flea about some post-firing comments he made.  His exit statement was “My advice to the remaining contestants is this:  Be like Mr. Trump.  Be willing to absolutely disregard your morals and your character in order to be successful.”  Also, in an interview he referred to his firing as “Mr. Trump’s Benghazi”.  But since both these guys are nuts, they make up quickly when cameras are pointed at them.  I kind of wish they’d fought for a while.

Trump then turns to Dee and says “You had probably and maybe did better than anybody else and yet you got fired.  What happened?”  I honestly can’t even make out the intent of that sentence.  That aside, it’s weird to say that the guy who got fired in week two did better than anybody else.  Also weird to ask what happened when you made the decision. Dee can’t make heads or tails of the question so he bluffs his way through an answer.  Then he asks Claudia about her firing, and Omarosa jumps in to say Claudia was afraid of her.  When asked, Claudia says they’re “absolutely” not friends, despite saying they were at the beginning of the season.  I don’t have strong opinions on Claudia either way, but I admire that she seems to understand how ridiculous this show is.  She’s not fighting it or exploiting it, she’s just doing her thing and knows it’s stupid.  I like that attitude.  Next, Trump asks Brande why her team was so bad this year.  The correct answer is a combination of Omarosa and a gypsy curse, but she doesn’t say that.  That’s how the curse works!  (And what’s up with Omarosa shouting out that Claudia is bankrupt?  Does she think she’s on Jerry Springer?–Myndi)

Before we go back to the task, Penn and Teller perform a magic trick for the live audience.  Magic isn’t really recappable, but it’s a cool trick where Teller’s head is encased in a fake cement block, and somehow he ends up wearing the glasses of a woman in the audience.  I can never figure out how magic tricks work, and I still assume those coins that my uncle pulled from my ears are the result of sorcery.  Also, I believe that every professional trick is the result of somebody wearing a fake arm.  And sorry about “trick”.  I meant “illusions”.  Tricks are what a whore does for money!  Or candy!  (Sorry about that – Arrested Development is back, and I can’t let a reference slide.)

And now, we’re back to the task.  It’s actually footage of the participants talking to reporters before the event.  Which, now that I realize it, is clearly fake.  If Penn and Trace actually talked to the press, it would have given away the final two back in November when this happened.  They’re not even real reporters!  Everything we’re seeing is a lie!  I seriously just realized that now, and it makes me so mad.  (Come over here, I’ve made you some cocoa.–Myndi)

Anyway, the event begins, and they’re both being held at the same venue at the same time.  And there doesn’t seem to be a real division, either.  In past years, they had to pick a theme for the décor and basically fill an empty space.  This year, they just kind of placed their signage and tossed some balloons in there.  There’s a lot less effort involved this year, it seems.  They don’t even have the collapsible wall dividing the events – it’s one big space but you come in different doors.  People start arriving – past contestants, showgirls, people who are none of the above.  It’s The Sopranos’ Big Pussy, who had an epic meltdown in Season One for the only episode in six seasons of this show that I didn’t recap!  (It was on opposite the LOST season premiere, and Myndi took the reins to save my sanity.)  Taylor Hicks, who won American Idol despite being 45 years old and not very good, brings Penn a check.  Dee Snider and a bodybuilding website fork over some cash.  The former Mayor of Las Vegas presents $250,000.  What the hell does the Mayor of Las Vegas even do?  That place is a lawless society kept in check by hordes of opposing bouncers.  By the way, if you are a single man in Las Vegas and a woman starts a conversation with you, there’s like a 90% chance that she’s a prostitute.  Nobody explained this to me, and I honestly thought she was just intrigued because I was drinking an Old-Fashioned, just like Don Draper.  (True fact: a lot of hookers watch Mad Men.-Myndi)

There’s less activity over at Team Trace, who starts making angry phone calls.  Representatives of the Oakridge Boys show up, because they are too busy playing “Elvira” at a county fair to show up in person.  A man in a newsboy cap has $10,000.  He must have sold a lot of papers!  His little throat is sore from shouting “Wuxtry”.  You can see Marilu in the background, freaking out over every check.  Big Pussy, a distinctly creepy Billy Ray Cyrus, and Wynonna Judd all show up.  An unidentified man gives $100,000 which turns Marilu into Woody Allen for a moment.  Wayne Newton and the Blue Man Group show up for Penn, and there’s a shot of Trace looking completely baffled at the BMG.  Oh, give it up.  I know this is Vegas vs. Nashville, but the Blue Man Group is really well known all over the country.  Drop the “I’m just a simple country hyperchicken” act, dude.  There’s Gilbert Gottfired, busy not being the voice of a duck anymore.  And George Wallace, who I really liked when I was young.  (The comedian, not the racist governor.)  Penn confides to Lisa that they’re “north of five”, meaning they’re over $500,000.  And the show’s not really clear on this, but I believe that the donations actually go to the intended charity in this task. It doesn’t seem to be winner-take-all.  So regardless of how it ends, just think about a small operation like Opportunity Village suddenly picking up half a million dollars.

Trace notes that he has less than he thought, but he’s still waiting on Tebow.  Now he knows how the Broncos feel!  (Is that an accurate sporting reference?)  He tells Marilu that Tebow might not make it with his $200,000 and her cartoonish panic is greatly amusing to me.  It’s really amazing how invested she is in this.

Back at the live show, Trump brings out Marilu, Dennis (who has a giant blond Mohawk, and a face full of makeup), Lisa, Busey, LaToya, and Lil Jon.  Trump talks about how good Dennis looks, and makes a barber joke.  You guys.  Dennis has a fan.  The paper kind that women in samurai movies or courtroom dramas set in the South use.  And his suit coat has, I don’t know, a cartoon beach scene printed all over it.  It looks like it used to be made of bedsheets from a nursery.  Visually, it’s kind of a lot to deal with.  Trump asks Dennis about Kim Jong Un.  “Does he want to make a deal, or is he a bad guy.”  Dennis confirms that Un was nice to him, and the republic is saved.  Next, Trump asks Lil Jon why he’s not in the final two.  Lil Jon responds “You fired me!”  HA!  I’m going to miss Lil Jon most of all.  Trump confirms that he did and sucks all the air out of a funny moment.  Trump asks Lisa how she changed as a result of coming back to the show this season.  She answers a different and better question from the one he asked.

And then it’s back to the task, where Marilu is still losing her mind.  But then Tim Tebow shows up and there’s a man hug, and I so wish we could have heard the conversation between Tebow and Busey.  Sadly, we only see it while Trace interviews about something.  Penn and Trace chat for a bit, and they seem to like one another.  I feel like, in a vacuum, they probably wouldn’t get along.  This show is making peace.  Trump arrives at the event to a post-production orchestral fanfare that reminds me of nothing so much as Emperor Palpatine arriving on the Death Star.  Ivanka is showing a surprising amount of cleavage, which helps make up for the Trump-ness of it all.

There’s a montage of people eating ice cream and Trump creeping on showgirls.  Busey yells at the crowd and offers to personally feed them Trace’s ice cream.  And just like that, I became lactose intolerant.  Lil Jon, who is actually wearing a snowflake sweater, explains their ice cream flavor to us, and then Busey hassles Miss USA and stares at Joan Rivers’ face to determine if she likes it.  He will never believe the words of an ice cream eater!  (And he’ll never find out anything from studying Joan’s face, either.–Myndi)

And now, it’s time for their presentations.  Penn goes first, as he takes the stage flanked by showgirls.  He talks about his ice cream and points out the celebrities in the crowd.  And also Taylor Hicks.  He and Teller do a trick that involves producing containers of ice cream from thin air, and I am once again freaked out.  Then he shows his video, which we’ve see over and over in one form or another.  The editors really want to show us people not really reacting to the video, which is a weird choice.  Once the video is over, Penn introduces his team and shows the Dennis Rodman reveal from the part where the video ran long.  Taylor Hicks looks angry at magic, but overall it seems to go over pretty well.

Trace presents, and his video is no less baffling.  It’s sort of based on the idea that a) the term “mash-up” is new and confusing to people; b) the easiest possible explanation is combining two dance moves; and, c) an old man dancing would be the biggest thing on the Internet.  I don’t buy any of those premises!  Trace performs a song, and it turns out he’s the guy who did that “Honky Tonk Badonka-Donk” song, and is thus an enemy of the state.  There is a shot of Trump pretending to have the capacity to enjoy music, and another of Penn awkwardly dancing.  That’s going to get worse for Penn.  And then Trace brings out Busey to sing “Not Fade Away”, after lying about how The Buddy Holly Story made people spontaneously dance, right there in the movie theater.  It was an Oogieloves for grown-ups.  (That probably ranks as one of the worst five minute chunks of time I’ve endured this year.–Myndi)

So Busey comes out to sing, and it is terrible.  He’s screeching and moving awkwardly, and he’s attacking every line of the song like he’s mad at it.  It’s incredibly uncomfortable for everybody involved, and I wish it had never happened.

And that’s the whole event.  When we come back, both teams are gathered in the Boardroom for a post-show posse.  Ivanka and Joan are waiting, because the Trump sons clearly have been cut from the team.  Trump leads by saying that they both raised a lot of money, but it’s not just about the money.  No, it’s about multiple criteria each of which are evaluated in different ways, with no indication as to how those criteria are weighted.  Sigh.

Marilu says Trace was “the master’, and Busey calls him “excellent in every way”.  Busey talks about singing and says he did all the songs in The Buddy Holly Story himself.  That was a long time ago.  I’m starting to think his Academy Award nomination needs an asterisk.  Lil Jon says he and Trace really feel connected.  Trace’s eyeroll suggests differently.  Trace talks about being more calm before the final task this season, as opposed to Season One.

Trump asks LaToya how she liked working with Penn, and it’s the greatest thing that ever happened to her.  She gives him and A-plus, and Trump tries to talk her down to an A.  She’s not having it, though.  Penn objects, which is kind of funny.  Dennis says Penn is cool.  Trump responds “You’re cool”.  Like, without pausing. His man crush continues!  He asks everybody at the table to confirm that Dennis is a “cool dude”.  I feel like that phrase should always be accompanied by the image of, like, a penguin wearing Bermuda shorts and sunglasses and holding a comically large surfboard.  Lisa confirms that the commercial was Penn’s idea.  Really?  A commercial where Penn talks and does a magic trick?  And you say Penn came up with that?  That seems unlikely at best!

Penn says he liked this season so much better than his first – he says he likes the people better, which is nice.  But then he says the show has “always been completely honest”, which is just crazy talk.  He says that nothing on the show is distorted, and I like the idea of that sentence being composed of fragments from other sentences.  It almost seems like he’s responding to an accusation, and it’s very weird.  Trace chimes in to talk about how awesome Celebrity Apprentice is.  And now it’s going to get even stranger.  Take it away, Trump.

“Everybody thinks my role is scripted.  It’s not.  And they’re all saying ‘Aw gee, you read the script, you must read the scripts’.  I don’t read anything.  They give me – I’ll show you what they give me (holds up a piece of paper).  They give me like that.  They give me this, and I can’t look down at it, because if I look down at it, I’m not looking up.  Right?  Let’s face it, I should get an Emmy every single year but they hate me so badly.”

Wow.  For one thing, nobody thinks he’s scripted because he can barely string two words together.  And he actually sort of copped to direct producer interference – if they give him a sheet of things to say, then they’re involved in the decisions.  And an Emmy?  He actually complained about this in an interview after the show, too.  You’re not going to get an Emmy because your show is terrible.  You’re objectively bad at hosting.  Never has anyone one deserved an Emmy less – he’d be in a category with people who interact with the contestants and in some cases, do it live.  What Trump does is make creepy statements and cut people off.  And he wants an Emmy for that.  Oh, wait.  He follows that up by saying he doesn’t care.  But he will continue to complain about it, because the President stopped paying attention to his taunts so now he has to find somebody else to try to extort.

Ivanka says Walgreens loved Penn’s ice cream and thought the video was clever.  They liked the presentation.  Their only issue was they didn’t care much for the container design, and Ivanka acknowledges that they had a hard time coming up with negatives.

Joan follows up by saying that Walgreens loved Busey’s singing.  “They just went insane for that”.  Well, that explains it.  They also thought the video could go viral, because they don’t know what that means.  However, they didn’t care for the flavor of Trace’s ice cream.  “Maple was almost too specific”.  Huh.  That’s a weird complaint.  There’s too much flavor in my flavor!

Penn’s team raised slightly over $503,000.  Trace made $664,000 but (and Joan is really hard to hear), $100,000 of that was late so they can only count $564,000 toward the task.  Trump then gives $20,000 to all of the people at the table who didn’t win money for their charities (Busey, Dennis, and LaToya).  He also apparently gives Lil Jon more money, even though he did win.  Sorry, Marilu and Lisa!  You’ll just have to sit quietly.  Trump reminds them all that he’s a very nice person, which sort of craps on everything.

Back in the live show, Trump brings out the finalists.  When Penn comes out, he runs over to hug Lisa before sitting down.  Awww!  Once the talking starts, Trace says he liked it better this time because he couldn’t stand Piers Morgan.  Everybody except Trace tries to turn that into a joke.  He says he “saved it for the last task”, so he’s advocating the strategy that got Stephen Baldwin fired.  Penn says that Trace always said that they’d be the final two.  He also says he liked this season better, because the first time he had a chip on his shoulder but now he trusts Trump and the show.  Yeah, he was pretty critical of Trump, the show, and Clay Aiken last time.  Like, enough that I was really surprised to see his name on the list.  (‘m guessing it’s because of the local nature of his charity, and the fact that it could legit use the national exposure and the money, period.–Myndi)

Fake Receptionist Amanda comes out to deliver the ice cream sales figures, and then promptly leaves.  Poor Amanda!  Getting treated like Eric Trump here.  Penn gets an extra $100,000 from Walgreens because his ice cream sold the best.  That puts him over Trace’s total.  Also, they liked his ice cream better, and Walgreens didn’t express a preference for one presentation over the other.  That means Penn won on two of three categories, so this should be all set.  Right?

Well, that’ll have to wait because there’s a montage of Busey saying weird things.  You guys, Busey is selling prints of his Buseyisms.  I like the world less now that I know this.  Trump asks Busey about the mechanical dog, and then we get one of those things that makes me think the whole thing is an act because he talks about bringing the mechanical dog home but he’s trying too hard and smirking the whole time.  He loses the audience pretty quickly, too.  Same thing that happened last time he was at the finale.  He seizes on this thing that was kind of a talking point and drives it into the ground and convinces me that he’s cynically faking it.

Next, it’s an Omarosa montage, which sadly does not include that time when she actually cheated.  Are we just sweeping under the rug?  First, Trump and Omarosa talk about how great they are, then Trump asks LaToya if she’s friends with Omarosa.  Now, the two of them are seated on either side of Busey, just to give you the image.  LaToya and Omarosa both start talking about how terrible the other is, and the stuff LaToya said about Michael Clarke Duncan comes up, and she keeps saying “Michael Duncan Clarke”.  But it’s virtually impossible to make out what they’re saying since they’re talking simultaneously.  Busey acts like he’s separating them, but since they’re not physically encroaching on one another, it’s just stupid.  Trump finally yells at them to stop and I think somebody just cuts their mikes at this point.  You know, they could have done actual entertaining things with this time.  And yet, here we are.

Next, we get to see video packages about Opportunity Village and the Red Cross.  I am obviously not going to recap these because that would be unseemly.  I’ll just note that Penn gets really emotional, and both videos are pretty heartbreaking.  In between videos, Trump asks Marilu who should win, and it takes her an hour to answer, but she settles on Trace.  Trump asks Dennis, and Dennis talks about how it’s “a bad thing” that Bret Michaels isn’t there, and then says that everybody is great.  (Bret wasn’t at the finale because it was his daughter’s birthday.  Another thing Trump complained about after the fact.)

Now, Trace and Penn are going to perform together.  They’re introduced by Joan Rivers, who stands between them.  They absolutely dwarf her and she cracks up.  “Is this the stupidest thing you’ve ever seen or what?”  Possibly, but not because of the height disparity.  It’s got to be hard to get them all in the same shot, though.  Anyway, Trace is going to sing while Penn accompanies him on bass.  And if you watch this, please pay attention to Penn who is busy being the most awkward and rhythmless person imaginable.  I just want to beg him to stop trying to move to the beat, because it is your uncle at a wedding and it’s hilarious.  A shot of the former contestants reveals that Stephen Baldwin’s dancing is a hundred times more embarrassing, so I guess it could be worse.  But it’s not good.  Poor Penn!  They should make Trace help with a magic trick, just to balance things out.  This show needs more musical numbers, because those aren’t really recappable either.  They’re throwing me all these bones at the end of the season!

Trump asks Trace why he should win, and Trace says that he raised the most money all season.  By being the Project Manager on one of only two fundraising tasks.  I feel like I pointed this out a dozen times last week and I just want him to stop.  He also says he was the MVP six times, which is apparently an online thing where they never mention the results on air.  I don’t have time to check their website for additional content!  Penn says that he did a better presentation, his ice cream sold better, and in general he’s better than Trace.  (He laughs when he says this last part.)  Joan wants it to be a tie, but she ultimately picks Penn.  Ivanka likes them both also, but she thinks the winner should be Trace.  (because Daddy told her to say that.–Myndi)

Because there’s no structure to this episode, Trump announces “we’ve never done this before”, which he’s said before and it’s never been clear what he means.  But in this case, he says that Lil Jon was an amazing player and he easily could have been in the final two.  Trump summons him to the table and asks Lil Jon, who was not expecting this, about his charity.  He’s playing for the American Diabetes Association in memory of his mother.  Oh no.  During the season, he talked about how she was recovering from a stroke, and since the season was shot and the finale date, she passed away.  He’s kind of struggling to talk about it, and Trump give him $100,000 for his charity.  Penn and Trace both hug him and the audience is going nuts, and when he gets back to his seat, everybody clusters around to hug him.  He is crying, and you can even see it through those ever-present shades.  You can tell this just means the world to Lil Jon.  Joan Rivers is barely holding it together, I’m crying, and it is a legitimately good moment.  My heart just breaks for the guy, but this is a good reminder that even though we sat through a metric ton of bullshit to get to this point, it’s kind of worth it.  Question Trump’s motives all you want (and you should), but at the end of the day, charities get a bunch of money that they wouldn’t have had otherwise.  In a lot of ways, Trump makes TV worse.  He makes politics worse.  He makes Twitter worse, and he sort of makes America worse.  But despite that, measurable good results from this show.

After one last break, Trump makes it all about him and asks Penn why he said bad things about him last time he was fired.  (“You even attacked my hair.”)  Well, because they were true.  But apparently Penn made an apology since then.  It’s really weird because he says he doesn’t regret telling the truth, but “my mind has changed”.  Does somebody want to explain what happened to me?  I mean, I read the op-ed where he complained about Trump and Clay Aiken not understanding art, but was there more?  (Here’s a link.–Myndi ) Both Trace and Penn claim to have performed better than the other, and we finally get down to business.

Now, think about this for just a moment.  Trump’s reptile brain still thinks he can get into politics.  And in Trump’s mind, he’s a hero of the Tea Party because he’s rich and disputes the President’s birth certificate.  I don’t think there’s anybody who actually considers Trump a viable candidate, but in his mind, he has a following there.  So when you’re left between a country star who talks about Jesus and is also kind of a homophobe and makes fun of accents that aren’t his and writes songs about faith but also drunk girls with big asses, and an outspoken atheist from *gasp* Las Vegas, there’s only one thing Trump can do.  He has a totally imaginary Trump supporting in mind, and he knows what they would like if they were real, and by golly, he’s going to give them that.

And thus, Trace Adkins, you’re the winner.  With all the farting around, the show ends pretty abruptly.  Thank goodness.  Since then, Trump’s made false claims about the finale ratings (which came in fourth for the 9 o’clockhour, not first) and gotten in a Twitter fight with Modern Family producer Danny Zuker.  But I look forward to taking some time off from thinking about Trump.  And seriously?  I’m a little hurt that Trump hasn’t picked a fight with me.  I put more effort into insulting him than Danny Zuker ever has!

Thanks to everybody for reading these long-ass recaps!  As much as this show consumes my life and free time for twelve weeks, these recaps are lots of fun to write, and I thank you for your patience.  But until next season, I am hell up outta here.

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One Response to Celebrity Apprentice All-Stars Finale – “If I Look Down at it, I’m Not Looking Up”

  1. Colleen says:

    What was the twitter fight about?

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