We start with the standard lovely shots of New York City that suddenly get all Trump-y. Donald Trump assures us that this season will be “bigger and better than ever”. Luckily, that’s a low bar to clear. Opening narrator claims that the winners have “pushed their careers to new heights”. Which… is not even slightly true, but this show loves that narrative.

Who are our brain-dead baby ducklings this year?

Geraldo Rivera – Trash TV host turned “legitimate” “journalist”.

Johnny Damon – Retired professional baseball player

Ian Ziering – Star of Beverly Hills, 90210 and Sharknado. Former Dancing with the Stars contestant.

Kevin Jonas – One of the Jonas Brothers. Not the one who stayed famous.

Terrell Owens – NFL star and one-time controversy magnet.

Sig Hansen – Pilots a crab boat on Deadliest Catch.

Gilbert Gottfried – Legitimately funny comedian with little sense of tact.

Lorenzo Lamas – Star of Renegade, man who married two different women named “Shawna’.

Vivica A. Fox – You remember her from Independence Day. Former Dancing with the Stars contestant.

Shawn Johnson – Gold medal gymnast. Former Dancing with the Stars contestant.

Kate Gosselin – Child exploiter and fame lamprey. Former Dancing with the Stars contestant.

Keshia Knight Pulliam – Rudy Huxtable.

Brandi Glanville – Real Housewife.

Jamie Anderson – Gold medal snowboarder.

Kenya MooreA different Real Housewife.

Leeza Gibbons – Entertainment journalist and bit player in Robocop. Former Dancing with the Stars contestant.

 

I feel like you could make a timeline of eliminations based on the clips they’re showing from the season to come, but who has that kind of time?

Everybody assembles at Trump Tower and tells us how the thing that they’re famous for is going to help them win. Now, it’s important to note that they shot this season a year ago and it’s just been sitting in the NBC vaults. That’s going to come into play later. When Trump is outside, his hair looks even weirder than it usually does – sunlight bleaches out all the color, so it’s bone-white. It looks like Eric Trump curled up on his head!  Also? Lot of facelifts in this group. And I’m thinking Vivica is sporting a new set of girls.

Gilbert complains about it being cold and Trump says that proves global warming doesn’t exist. Cripes. Seven minutes in, and I hate him anew. He’s the worst person on your Facebook feed. At least nobody even pretends to find that funny. Once again the teams are split by gender.

So, for their first task, they’re going to work at Pieface. Couple things about that. It’s a chain that sells small pies. First off, as Myndi informed me, Pieface closed most of its stores in October of last year and no longer has a U.S. presence. They were counting on this show to save them! Also, “Pieface” is a super racist term for Inuit people. Green Lantern’s old sidekick had that nickname, and already back in the eighties they were like “We’d better change this.” But, you know, there was a Midwest coffee chain called “Beaner’s” until a couple of years ago. People aren’t up to date on their slurs.

They’re going to sell “celebrity pie”, which means it’s a fundraising task. Also, “celebrity pie” sounds super gross. Make the most money, you win. There will also be a bonus for the team that makes the best pie, as judged by an expert.

Now, if you’re not familiar with comedian Paul F. Tompkins, you should know that he is the best. He does a Cake Boss impression, and when he’s in character, when anybody says “Cake Boss”, he has to repeat “Cake Boss!” Also, PFT has a bit about cake vs. pie, and recently he created the Cake Boss’ archnemesis, the Pie Minister. This is all by way of context because the pie judge will be Cake Boss (Cake Boss!). Pies are, of course, well outside his purview. This is a serious breach of protocol!

Piers Morgan and Ivanka will be the wingmen this week, and now it’s time to go to separate corners to pick team names and project managers. Keshia likes “Trojan Horse” until somebody notes the condom connection. Kenya pitches “Infinity”, but Brandi thinks it should be “Gold” because they have two gold medalists and she hates Kenya. I’m largely ignorant of the Real Housewives franchise, but I assume there’s bad blood because they’re competing to see who can get enough plastic surgery to look like they have a lion head first. They settle on “Infinity” and Kenya tells us that she’s know for creating catchphrases like “Gone with the Wind fabulous” and “twirl”. Pretty sure that one of them is just adding a word to a movie title and the other thing is a word that exists. But if that’s the standard we’re going with, I’m taking credit for the catchphrases ”Thomas Crown Affair brunch” and “croissant”. Royalties, please!

The men talk about how terrible the women are and Sig suggests they’ll call themselves “Team Hormone” because ladies, am I right? Geraldo wants to name the team “Vortex” after the terrible winter they just had. (Winter of 2013) That’s terrible logic, but Vortex is a pretty good name, actually. Gilbert pitches “Gilbert’s Warriors”, which would have been awesome. Geraldo shouts down all dissent because he knows how to pick his battles. Which is to say he picks all of them.

Over at Infinity, Keshia volunteers to be Project Manager. They turn social media over to Shawn and Brandi, and it seems like Shawn is going to just tweet for all of them. Share your passwords! Nothing can go wrong! Piers stops by to share his wisdom and explains that everybody is going to try to sabotage everybody else. He also explains that what they’ll have to do is make more money than the other team. You can see why he won the first season, with insight like that.

Geraldo wants to be Project Manager and Ian almost stands up to him like it’s going to be a thing, but then he doesn’t. Ivanka stops by and I hate myself for how attractive I find her. She doesn’t really offer any advice because she’s not going to sound as dumb as Piers. Plus, that would mean Geraldo letting another person talk. Ian does call him out for getting his name wrong (pronounced with a long “I” like nobody else ever) and seems genuinely pissed. As a guy with a weird name, I get it. It sucks to explain it to everybody you meet. But also, it’s not really their fault. You got saddled with a weird name and we’ll all get through it together. Ivanka admits she’s a huge 90210 fan and she’s totally fangirling out. This is actually awesome.

They talk social media, and Kevin says that he has 4.3 million Twitter followers, which means he can bring in some money. I’m not sure that Kevin Jonas’ Twitter followers are the high rollers that they need. Also, it bugs me when people act like Twitter matters in the real world. Jill Wagner follows me on Twitter, but that doesn’t mean she’s coming to my garage sale. But we’re going to hear a lot about his Twitter following, so it’s easier to just pretend we care. (Also? It would be awesome if Jill Wagner came to my garage sale. I can promise her a 100% discount on any items that interest her.)

Vortex shows up at, sigh, Pieface. A couple of pie guys offer to show them around, but Geraldo wants to talk more about social media. There’s a Batman face in the background, and it’s distracting me. Kevin knows it takes ten seconds to tweet and they actually have to make pies so they have something to sell.

Infinity actually starts talking pie and Keshia is super into an enchilada pie, and I’d rather get an enchilada. This is where Kate starts weighing and not agreeing with anything but also not contributing anything. Man, I zone out whenever Kate starts talking. She’s awful.

Geraldo makes calls and at one point he has to say “It’s Geraldo (pause) Geraldo Rivera.” I can’t stop laughing at the idea of somebody saying “Geraldo who?” There is more pie-making, and Lorenzo admits that he doesn’t have a lot of fundraising connections so he’s going to work as hard as he can. In other words, he’s a normal decent dude. (Also? Hilarious on The Joe Schmo Show.) Their first batch of pies are pretty badly burned. Huh, maybe that meeting where Geraldo explained Facebook was not as important as learning how to make weird tiny pies.

Jamie kicks off a visit to Infinity with this great soundbite: “Being a professional snowboarder, I haven’t made a ton of pies.” They think they’ll win over the Cake Boss (Cake Boss!), and they don’t even realize that they’re all part of a giant ruse from the Pie Minister.

One thing I won’t miss when this goes to one hour per episode? Having the task explained and re-explained. I understand how the selling of pie works. I know a thing or two about exchanging currency for goods and services. The women report on the big donors they have coming, and Leeza seems to be dominating in this category. Then we get to the first of many awkward moments where Keshia talks about what a great role model “Mr. Cosby” was. Yikes.

So, they’ve been sitting on this season for almost a year. At least one person who’s going to be judging a task (Joan Rivers) has died since filming. And at no point did anybody at NBC think, “Hey, let’s maybe give this a quick once-over before we put it on the air.” And I’ll tell you right now, it’s going to get worse.

Back at Vortex, Gilbert tries to get some comedians to stop by. He offers to bring in a fire-eater and a Howard Stern lookalike, and, hilariously, he calls them his “show business” connections. Like the old joke about the guy who shovels elephant poop at the circus, I guess. Also, they’re in New York. I bet Gilbert could get the real Stern if he wanted to waste a favor on Geraldo. For his part, Geraldo is pretty psyched about this and is also wearing a scarf indoors in exactly the way that you would wear it if somebody once told you that you looked good in a scarf. It’s so douchey I can’t even believe it. Terrell says that Gilbert is his favorite guy on the team, and that’s the one thing T.O. and I have in common. Unless…. did I get naked to shoot a network promo with Nicollette Sheridan? I feel like I’d remember that.

They’re trying to make the pies look like Geraldo, believe it or not. What that really means is they’re applying icing to look like closed eyes and then a mustache. In practice, it looks like they’re putting two sets of boobs on every pie. Which is good marketing, if you ask me.

At Infinity, they’re putting an Infinity symbol on their cakes, but I bet you $10 that Kate thinks that it’s because she has 8 kids. They discuss the difference between Twitter and Instagram, and if you’re not clear on that, maybe social media is not what you should be counting on. Kate makes a point that I agree with (I know. I hate myself.), that they need to get these pies finished instead of Tweeting. Of course, she also calls it “working on hashtags” and uses “social media” as a verb, so coherence isn’t her strong suit. They’re all jealous of Kevin’s Twitter following, but what they’re not thinking about is that he probably gets asked about his purity ring at least 100,000 times a day. Nobody wants that life.

Kenya explains that they need to focus on getting big donors to show up, because she has watched one episode of this show. She talking heads that nobody else seems to realize this, which might be because they’re bad at this, or Kenya might be bad at reading a room. They seem equally plausible.

Vortex wraps up their pies for the night, and Kevin is irritated that Geraldo spent the whole time calling donors and never checked on them. Look. I hate Geraldo, but he’s sort of right in this case. Kevin even says “If this weren’t a fundraising task, I’d say that we were mismanaged.” But it is a fundraising task, so… I mean, if these pants were a shirt, I’d say that there wasn’t a neck hole. (Please use this phrase.)

In the morning, Keshia reminds her team that it’s important to get the pies baked and to make money. She runs through a list of people she “reached out to”, including Tyler Perry and Ludacris. That’s different from actually making contact with somebody. Reaching out to Ludacris is “Hey, Ludacris! Want to buy a pie?” I can do that. It doesn’t mean he’s buying a pie. Somebody who may be Kenya asks if she contacted Bill Cosby, and she says she’s concentrating on people who live in the city. Kenya interviews that Keshia was “a Cosby Kid”, which isn’t technically true. The Cosby Kids were friends with Fat Albert and hung out in a junkyard. Different show. Also, and this will come up later, it’s weird to assume that somebody you last worked with 22 years ago is going to give you a crazy amount of money for a tiny pie. We’ll get to that. For now, I just want it noted that I disagree with Kenya on all things.

Oh, god. Kenya says that Cosby has “deep pockets”, but now we know what was in those pockets and I just want to die.

At Vortex, Geraldo wants to buy a bunch of balloons. Somewhere, Sinbad is laughing himself silly. (Remember his think with the balloons way back in Season…. Three? Maybe? I’ve wasted my life.) Their poster says the word “Celebrity” and then there’s a picture of the team which includes two Geraldos and I can’t stop laughing at that. If you want to make your picture bigger than everybody else’s, fine. But don’t keep the small picture, too. It looks crazy. Also it doesn’t mention the show at all. It just says Celebrity Pieface, which makes it seem like some racist website is pointing out which famous people are actually Eskimos.

The guys hand out fliers and cups of water to the people on the street. People go nuts over Johnny Damon. Kevin talks about how Gilbert is “interesting”, and says that he makes him laugh. But he says it in a way that suggests he feels weird about laughing, or maybe nobody’s ever told a joke in his presence. Kevin seems nice, but there’s something off. Gilbert supervises the balloons, which is pretty funny and people seem to like it. Geraldo just keeps texting. He’s a tween! I bet he uses so many emojis.

Keshia’s outfit weirds me out in the interview segments. Maybe it’s the straight line shoulders of her jacket, or the way her top is perfectly blue but also totally featureless. It’s like she’s actually wearing the color blue.  I don’t know what it is, but it’s unsettling. Her team is still trying to get pies ready and Kate takes Keshia asking somebody to help her as a personal insult. Also? Whenever Kate addresses the camera you can see that she’s got a bad case of crazy eyes.

They argue about whether they can eat a messed-up pie. It’s pointless. Everybody on this team seems to be Mean Girl-ing everybody else and that’s just not effective. Pick a wounded gazelle and converge! I’s cute how Infinity thinks that they’re going to win by playing to the people on the street. These fundraising tasks are won and lost on the calls you make the day before.

At Vortex, a very fat man brings a $20,000 check from Bill O’Reilly. He would have come himself, but he’s busy writing alternate history novels about the deaths of famous people. (This is a thing he does, and I don’t get it. Also? Don’t explain it to me.) Sean Hannity shows up in person with $10,000 because what else is he going to do with his time? They shot this at the beginning of the year, so he had another eleven and a half months before he had to talk about the War on Christmas. Sig is amazed that Kevin can use technology to get people to come, and Geraldo stands in the middle of the floor and tells them to stop talking to their fans and get the money. There’s a reason why Geraldo has zero fans. Well, many reasons.

Infinity doesn’t know any rich people so they’re selling pies to regular people. Vivica interviews that Keshia is spreading out over too many tasks, while Kenya says she’s not doing enough. A big donor whose name means nothing to me gives Vivica $10,000. Somebody else has $5,000. This dude who sort of looks like Jon Benjamin walks in and Kate tells him to buy some pies, and he shakes his head almost contemptuously. It’s like he was going to get one until he realized Kate Gosselin was involved. Then she talks to the tallest woman I’ve ever seen who didn’t have “of Tarth” attached to her name.

Back at Vortex, Gilbert has Lauren and Hardy impersonators and who I assume is the real Joe Piscopo. (If there are Joe Piscopo impersonators, I need to reassess some things.) Go back to Infinity, where previous wannabe Apprentice Claudia Jordan show up to hit Kenya with a pie, but then Kenya hits Brandi with it instead. Brandi interviews: “I don’t like to be sticky, unless I’m with a super hot guy. Then it’s OK.” That’s really gross, right? Unless I’m coming up with a dirtier reading than was intended.

And then, Cake Boss (Cake Boss!) or perhaps the Pie Minister in disguise arrives at Vortex. Lorenzo, who I actually like, interviews that they’re at a disadvantage because “Women cook. That’s what they do.” Oh, Lorenzo. Don’t be that guy. I suddenly have this image of you using the hashtag “#NotAllMen”, and it’s bad enough that Adam Baldwin retroactively ruined Chuck with that nonsense. Don’t take Renegade away from me!

You know how you can tell that’s not the real Cake Boss (Cake Boss!)? The real one could have used his gift of the second sight to know who had the best pies. He didn’t get bit by that cake bug for nothing! He’s unimpressed by Vortex, but you know, it’s deeply unnatural for men to make food. It’s a small miracle that they didn’t accidentally bake a bunch of guns or something.

Cake Boss (Cake Boss!) goes to Infinity, and we learn they still haven’t decided whether it’s a taco or enchilada pie. He likes one of the two pies, because after all, ladies be cooking.

Kate excitedly tells her team that she saw a picture of the check that her donor is bringing. Nobody is as excited about this purely theoretical money as she thinks they should be. Piers Morgan swings by and Shawn admits that they aren’t bringing in big sums of money. Piers also thinks they lack leadership, but that’s so beside the point on these fundraising tasks. You can’t win with people off the street. There’s nothing Keshia is going to do that’s going to garner them more rich friends.

I’ve thought about this a lot (surprise!), and I think I know why the women tend to get skunked in the fundraisers. The pool of female contestants comes primarily from reality TV personalities, Olympic athletes, and mid-level models / pageant people. There are exceptions of course, but that’s the majority. The reality TV names don’t generally have access to big donors – they run with other reality folks who aren’t rich so much as “on TV”. Olympic athletes aren’t necessarily connected to the wealthy, either. Technically, they spend most of their time with other amateur athletes who need to find sponsors for their actual competitions. And modeling is one of those things where you either make a butt-ton of money or very little. The big names run in wealthy circles and have crazy rich boyfriends. Put Kate Upton or Irina Shayk on the show, they’re going to get some donors. But they don’t have to do this show because they’re busy doing model stuff.

The men, on the other hand, tend to be professional athletes, musicians, and comedians. (Plus outliers like Geraldo who are on a TV station aimed at and staffed by rich people.) Pro athletes are friends with other pro athletes and they have a lot more money than an Olympic competitor. Musicians, even past their prime, usually have solid connections. (Especially if they’re a country musician.) And comedians know club owners and maybe TV hosts or people who make sitcoms with them. It’s not even that the male contestants are necessarily more famous – they just come from arenas that have more access to wealth.

Anyway, Kenya complains to Piers about Keshia, because she’s already thinking Boardroom. For her part, Keshia is busy collecting money and selling pies, which is at least something.

Meanwhile, the Vortex guys bring in big checks. Ian compares Pieface to the Peach Pit, but he’s really just trying to remind us where we know him from. Unless he didn’t know he was on TV back then and thought the Peach Pit from 90210 was his actual job. Piers swings by and points out the double Geraldo. It’s not clear whether this was an intentional move or Geraldo just didn’t notice, but he says that if it would sell more pies, he’d put three pictures of himself on there. I don’t think Geraldo gets how he’s perceived. I mean, you know what I think would help business? Zero pictures of Geraldo. Piers is impressed and claims the line is twenty miles long and compares it to his last book signing. At least he knows he’s ridiculous. Kevin points out that Lorenzo hasn’t brought in any big donations. It’s not going to matter, though.

As the day wraps up, Infinity is waiting on some checks. I mean, it’s not even going to be close so a courier getting caught in traffic isn’t going to make the difference. Kate makes vague promises about a friend with “a good amount of money”. She doesn’t have any friends!

And with that, everybody’s in the Boardroom. No closure on whether Kate Gosselin’s imaginary friend delivered his pile of elf dollars. Hint: He didn’t.

The men are all really smirky, and I feel like they compared notes before the Boardroom. They know they won. Keshia assures Trump that they did a good job and he talks about how he hates to fire people except when he likes it. Keshia says Leeza was the best fundraiser, while Jamie, Kate, and Shawn have their good points but those points do not include making money. Trump asks Shawn if they won, and she doesn’t think so. She says it diplomatically, but Vivica gets offended anyway. Ivanka compliments Infinity on being “articulate”. They’re using their words and everything! Piers reminds them that fundraising is important on a fundraising task. How are they ever going to cram all this magic into one-hour chunks for the rest of the season?

Trump asks Kenya who the weakest player was, and she says Keshia. She says they didn’t have clear timelines, but also that the key was fundraising. Dude, you don’t need a timeline when you know what day it is. Hey, we’re selling pies on Tuesday, can you bring money? That’s literally all the timeline you need for this task. Or else she means that Keshia was supposed to create an alternate timeline where Kenya, Brandi, and Kate weren’t just known for being unpleasant on reality TV and could actually bring something to the table. That might be a lot to ask of Keshia, though. Shawn reiterates that they probably lost.

Geraldo says they won. “And I’ll tell you why. We are Team Vortex. It’s a powerful name.” Yep, that’s probably what did it. The team name. He calls them a “cross-section of American manhood”. So 87.5% of American men are white and the same percentage is over 40. Also, one out of every eight men in America captains a crab boat. You can’t argue with facts! Trump asks what Gilbert thought of Geraldo, and he says “I’m not sure how I felt about his Puerto Rican side, but his Jew side I was with 100%”, and I laughed really hard at that.

Geraldo says he thought Gilbert would be “like Mr. Magoo, bumping into walls”. Does… does he think Gilbert is blind? He’s just squinty, dude. He can see! Ivanka wonders why Geraldo wanted to be the first Project Manager, and he says it’s because he came up with the name. Man, I wish he and Vortex would get a room. Also, the real answer is because Geraldo likes to order people around and maximize his screen time. Trump wants to know who didn’t raise money and Geraldo says he doesn’t really know but he’s pretty sure Ian and Lorenzo were sucking hind teat. Ian says it was about $700, and Lorenzo says he did less but “something”. Poor Lorenzo looks so sad!

Geraldo says he didn’t expect Lorenzo to have much money, and it keeps cutting to Lorenzo looking totally uncomfortable. Man, I haven’t seen something this awkward on TV since that reality show where that one guy indicated the flaws on people’s bodies with a laser pointer. Who was that again? I don’t know, somebody. Trump says Lorenzo should have money “just with women that he’s known over the years.” Is Trump suggesting that Lorenzo is a gigolo? You guys, I think Trump mistook him for Hung. After they talk about how women just take your money. (I know this was shot a while ago. Is it possible they filmed it in 1958?) Trump turns to Terrell, who brought in maybe a thousand dollars. That’s surprising, but not everybody wants to hit up their friends on the first task.

Next, Geraldo says the people who raised the least money should be fired even though it’s not strictly a fundraising show. Kevin points out that Geraldo didn’t keep track of the money and so he was a bad project manager. You might be biting off more than you can chew, kid.

According to Ivanka, Cake Boss (Cake Boss!) was underwhelmed by the Vortex pies. Well, of course. They’re not cakes. Why would he like them? But the fact that he liked one of Infinity’s two types of pies is enough to give them the win and the $25,000.

Since we all know that Infinity is losing, Piers asks who had the most to do with the flavor of the winning pie, and they agree that it’s Jamie. Trump asks Shawn again, and she says once again that her team probably lost. It’s like the prophecy said – she will betray her team three times before the rooster crows.

Piers asks them why they bothered with social media when Kevin has more followers. Wait, what? It’s not like he used up all the Internet by tweeting. You’re not losing anything by sending out some social media nonsense. That’s like saying that Huffington Post has more readers than spunkybean, so why bother writing? Although as we near the 5,000 word mark, I’m asking myself the same question. This is a dumb thing to complain about, Piers.

Time for the inevitable. Infinity raised $68,000. With the Cake Boss (Cake Boss!) bonus, that’s $93,000. Vortex, on the other hand, raised $185,000 with their crummy pies so that’s that.

The men retire to the suite to congratulate Geraldo, and he claims they did “as well as any collection of eight men in this country could have done”. Even a collection of eight Batmen? What if the team were made up of Bill Gates, Louis C.K., Gordon Ramsay, John C. Reilly, Grant Hill, George R. R. Martin, Matt Fraction, and Keegan-Michael Key? You’d have gotten smoked, Geraldo!

And now, it’s time for Trump to yell at ladies. Keshia explains that her strategy was to use their fundraising resources as wisely as possible. That’s not a sentence that means anything. She then calls out Jamie, Kate, and Shawn for not bringing in any money. Kate passive-aggressives about how it would be nice to have a chance to speak. Trump asks who should be fired. She doesn’t want to answer. Piers said she’d better answer because she actually raised zero dollars. Kate goes on for so long that Brandi rolls her eyes to camera. An actual Real Housewife thinks you’re full of it!

Kate accuses Keshia of telling them what to do before the task began, if you can believe it. Just kill me. She’s still talking! It’s like the Question explaining spiral dynamics. When Keshia talks, Kate keeps making these really childish faces. She’s the actual worst. Brandi, again, an actual Real Housewife, says that Kate was lazy and useless. Piers agrees and points out that most of the team didn’t do anything. But it didn’t matter. Would more hustle somehow have sold an extra hundred thousand dollars worth of pie? Trump makes his first bullfrog face of the season.

Ivanka asks Vivica if she could have won as the Project Manager. I am not kidding, Kate pipes up with “I’m gonna answer for you”. Vivica gives her what I can only describe as a “Bitch, please” face. She talks about how hard they worked and gets choked up saying that Keshia gave it her all. And then Kenya lays a big old Cleveland Steamer in the punch bowl by bringing up Bill Cosby. Remember, NBC has been sitting on this for eleven moths. They’ve had time to edit.

Trump first offers to get some Kleenex for the crying Vivica, and Kate offers the one from her bra. I just can/t…. Who is this woman and why are we allowing her on TV? Keshia gets us back on topic and points out that she hasn’t kept in touch with a person she hasn’t worked with in 22 years. She says, and this is totally correct, it would be inappropriate to make contact again just to ask for money. Do you keep in touch with everybody you’ve ever worked with? She’s absolutely right, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen anybody bring up this real-world logic on this show. So I’m on her side. I’m not going to keep mentioning that. Instead, now let’s focus on the fact that NBC left in a lengthy scene where Trump berates a young woman for not calling a man who, since this was shot, has been accused of almost two dozen sexual assaults.

Leeza Gibbons stands up for Keshia, but nobody’s going to let go of this. Why are we not yelling at Vivica for not calling Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum? This is so dumb and, now, totally creepy.

Keshia tries to get back to what she accomplished, but Ivanka brings it back to the money raised. She says Keshia shouldn’t have been project manager if she couldn’t bring big donations, but really nobody on the team (except maybe Leeza) could. This was a task they were going to lose no matter who managed them. Finally, she gets to pick two people for the final Boardroom, and she picks the people who raised the least money – Jamie and Kate. Logical, but since they’re dogpiling on the fundraising aspect, make the point that you’re picking the people who were and are of the least value to the team. At least that way you’re framing an argument you can win.

The final three return to the Boardroom at the urging of Fake Receptionist Amanda? Remember when we found out that she has a real job but they still make her do these segments? Anyway, Trump asks why Keshia brought Jamie back since she was credited with the winning pie. Keshia seals her fate by saying she didn’t bring in any money. Big mistake to establish that as the hill you’re going to die on.

Jamie doesn’t want to pick who should be fired, and Trump makes the bonkers assertion that as an athlete, she wants to destroy her competition. She says that she’s inspired by the people she competes with, which is a great answer. I don’t know if I like Jamie yet, but she’s off to a good start. Kate says that Trump should fire Keshia because their “roles weren’t clearly stated”. Uh, make pie and sell it. Shut up, Kate.

Kate passive aggressives some more about how just because she can’t do anything without being specifically instructed, that’s not a lack of initiative. Piers brings it back to fundraising, and Kate points out that she’s not even talking about her $10,000 check that didn’t come in. If Kate stays on this show, I’m going to have to start drinking.

Trump asks Keshia about her charity and says he’ll give them $25,000. And you know what that means – Keshia, you’re fired. Primarily for not calling a sex criminal.

I was talking to somebody about this, and they argued that trimming the Bill Cosby talk would mean the firing wouldn’t make sense. I’d argue that Trump making sense is the last objective on anybody’s mind when it comes to editing. How many nonsensical firings have we seen over the years? The fact is that nobody cared enough to give it a second pass. I’ve spent more time with this episode than NBC did.

I get one last legitimate laugh when Keshia gets in the elevator and the elevator operator is trying very hard not to get his face on camera. I don’t know what’s going on, but it cracks me up. I think they had a sub that day.

Guys? The limo exit interviews now have the fired contestant plugging Today. I don’t like that one bit.

The rest of the episodes are just one hour, so the plan is to recap each hour individually and turn them over more quickly. Since two more episodes have already aired, those recaps will probably hit over the weekend and possibly Monday afternoon. I have so little left in my life.

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4 Responses to Celebrity Apprentice Season 7, Episode 1 – “A Cross-Section of American Manhood”

  1. Myndi says:

    The Pie Minister! Paul F is the best, man. Great recap of this infuriating train wreck that I cannot look away from. Better by leaps and bounds than the actual show.

  2. Colleen says:

    Yea!!!!!!!!!!
    I had to urban dictionary Pieface as a derogatory term. I remembered it as a record company from Mighty Boosh.

  3. Kali says:

    Totally agree Myndi! So glad the shows back so these recaps are back!

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