Previously on Celebrity Apprentice: The whole season. But most recently, Geraldo Rivera and Leeza Gibbons went to the final two. They had to make a commercial for the Universal Studios theme park and then present that commercial at an event. Geraldo ended up with Lorenzo Lamas, Ian Ziering, and Vivica A. Fox on his team. Leeza got Kevin Jonas, Johnny Damon, and Brandi Glanville. That’s pretty much it, since it’s not like you ignored it all season and just now decided to read a recap of the finale.

For a change, we start the finale without a pre-recorded “comedy” bit. Other than that, it’s the usual finale setup. Fake Boardroom on stage in front of an auditorium full of people who are losing their minds. Amanda the Fake Receptionist takes Trump’s coat and he takes his place at the table, flanked by Ivanka and Don Jr. Trump makes small talk about the weather and then says this season was bigger and better than ever, just like he promised. I know “better” is subjective, but how was it “bigger”? It actually had the shortest overall runtime of any season, and they didn’t break any fundraising records. You can’t just keep saying things that don’t mean anything!  (Unless you’re Trump, in which case you can proclaim “It’s Cold!” like you’re first person to ever figure this out and assume people will be blown away.–Myndi)

Anyway, when Trump names the finalists, the crowd is definitely on Leeza’s side. Trump kicks it to a video package where the announcer recaps the season. I like that they call Geraldo a “news icon” while Leeza is “a talk show host”. Taking sides, announcer? You’re supposed to be impartial, per the Announcer’s Code. Don’t make me report you!

Opening credits one last time, but it’s a shortened version. Just shots of the various Trumps and no appearances by the contestants.

Let’s go back to the task! When last we left Geraldo and Lorenzo, they had to find some misplaced young actors who weren’t in the place where Geraldo failed to tell anybody they should be. He interviews that he and Lorenzo march to the beats of different drummers, and then illustrates that point by drumming on a table. What if Geraldo doesn’t know that’s just an expression and he thinks everybody else hears a relentless drum beat in their head at all times? It would explain a lot. Also, it might mean that Geraldo is the newest incarnation of The Master from Doctor Who. That would explain even more.

They get back to the suite and Geraldo starts ordering kids around. He leads them back to where they’re shooting. Lorenzo refers to Geraldo as “a cold wind”, which cracks me up. I like that Lorenzo clearly hates him but doesn’t want to say anything that’s going to cause him a problem later. After one scene Geraldo tells the kid actors “don’t rest on your laurels”. He’s such a warm figure. “Hey, we shot this one scene five seconds ago, but what have you done for me lately?”

Leeza leads her actors through the park and things seem to be going pretty well. They’re really pushed for space but former teen girls spot Kevin and swarm around. He’s really nice in dealing with the crowd and they actually, as a group, comply when he asks them to move out of the shot. I will say, if this season accomplishes nothing else (and it won’t), it’s caused me to have positive associations with Kevin Jonas.

Since it’s going so well, Leeza and Johnny head off to the edit bay to get started, and I feel like that’s foreshadowing disaster. But instead, Kevin interviews about how great Leeza is and gets another shot he needs. This team is functional!

So let’s go back to Geraldo’s team. Gerald passive-aggressively interviews about how everything went more smoothly once Lorenzo let him be in charge. I don’t recall that being the issue last time. In fact, the issue was that Geraldo is bad at being in charge and Lorenzo noticed. But now Lorenzo is dead inside and just wants to get through the day. They shoot another scene where Geraldo refers to the lead character from Despicable Me as “Despicable Me”. He’s like Homer Simpson! All movies are named after their lead character! Remember when Die Hard jumped out the window tied to the fire hose? How about when Up tied all those balloons to his house? Or when Crank 2: High Voltage dropkicked that guy’s head?

Oh, also Geraldo calls himself “an iconic figure in American news”, which gets a laugh from the live audience. Bless their hearts.

Another scene has Geraldo calling Transformers “the greatest battle you’ll ever ride” and then walking kids through the park. Imagine a man with Geraldo’s mustache and sunglasses coming up to you and asking if he can take your kids to an amusement park for the day. You would mace him so fast. It ends with Geraldo dressed like Harry Potter, which makes him even creepier.

Back in the live show, Trump opens the floor to questions from social media. It’s taking everything I have not to tweet some questions at him. I feel like I have to recuse myself, having taken the Recapper’s Oath. That’s a bigger deal than the Announcer’s Code, I’ll tell you that.

Trump thanks Ivanka, Don Jr., and Eric for making the season special. When he mentions Eric, it cuts to a shot of the Marquess of Queensbury in the audience. Oh, wait. That’s just Eric Trump. Hi, Eric! They also show Melania sitting next to a young Trumpling. Is that Barron? Because I definitely recapped an episode where he was maybe five years old and now he’s a preteen. How is this possible? I mean, I’m certainly not aging that fast. Why, let me confirm it by looking in this mirror…. oh. Never mind.

He kicks it back to the video by telling us we’re not going to believe it. It’s been a long season. I know what I can believe, OK?

Geraldo explains that he let Lorenzo, Ian, and Vivica take charge of the editing. Everybody’s in charge of editing! He’s busy trying to line up entertainment and we see him talking on the phone to somebody and asking about Tony Orlando. Only he pronounces it as “Tornado Lemon”. He does this once, and I honestly had no idea what he was talking about. Somebody didn’t do their vocal warm ups this morning. Come on, Geraldo. Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.

The voice on the phone says Tony is thrilled to help because “his sister was developmentally disabled”, and Geraldo just beams as he says “I remember that”. It is a completely inappropriate response. It’s the way you’d respond if somebody reminded you about Shaq’s Big Challenge, wherein Shaquille O’Neal made fat children chase chickens. He even says “isn’t that amazing?”, which is nuts. Yeah, Geraldo. It’s awesome that somebody’s disability made you more likely to get musical entertainment for your presentation. I’m sure she’d be happy to know that she contributed.

To his credit, Geraldo starts crying immediately after. But I liked my joke and I’m sticking to it. Also, it was a weird and inappropriate reaction, even if it was followed by a moment of humanity.

Leeza and Johnny start editing. Well, Leeza’s editing. Johnny’s not super-involved at this point. Kevin and Brandi show up with the remaining footage and also churros. Leeza is so excited about this that I’m starting to think this show is in the pocket of Big Churro. Again, they’re functional so we’ll go back to Geraldo’s team.

Geraldo gets his first look at the preliminary edit of the commercial. Ian interviews that it’s maybe too Geraldo-centric but it wasn’t his call. Geraldo enjoys looking at his own image and walks away clapping and repeating “yeah, yeah, yeah”. He doesn’t react to anything correctly! It’s like he learned to be a person by reading a book about it and even then he skimmed some of the chapters.

Leeza’s team watches their commercial and they make a point of including Leeza saying they have to make sure nothing is wrong with the track. One would think this is foreshadowing, but there’s actually nothing is wrong with the track. Hey, editors? I know you’re drunk with power now that you have two hours to play with, but you don’t need to include somebody hoping something doesn’t happen and then it doesn’t happen. That’s not super compelling.

Brandi reports that she has at least $17,000 coming in for donations and possibly more. Leeza speculates that Geraldo could have half a million. This is not based on anything, of course. By the way, I didn’t recap last week’s clip show, but there’s something worth noting. Not only did Marlee Matlin once raise almost a million dollars on a single task, but when that happened, she and John Rich got the same “each charity gets the money their team raised” deal as Ian and Geraldo this season. BUT! Trump said this year that they’ve never done that before. So many lies!

Back to the live show, where it’s time for Trump to bring out some fired contestants. It starts out amazing when he announces Keshia Knight Pulliam as “Ke-SHEE-a Knight Pooley-a-woo-ha-ha”. It’s so great. I want it to be my ringtone. It’s not a hard name! And she was on the show! He said it in the past! He also brings out Gilbert Gottfried, Jamie Anderson (and it takes him forever to say “snowboarder”), Terrell Owens, Kate Gosselin, and Kenya Moore. (At this point, I thought Trump was drunk, or he’d swapped places with John Travolta.–Myndi)

Trump talks to Terrell about the Hall of Fame, which is why we’re all here. He then tells Terrell that he surprised a lot of people and did “a fantastic job”. Actually, he didn’t distinguish himself in any way, but Trump loves his athletes. (I like how the implication here is that everyone assumed you were a moron, but you’ve proven to be surprisingly competent!–Myndi) The best part is that he says this, clearly talking to Terrell, and a female voice off-camera responds “thank you”. I think it’s Jamie, but I can’t tell for sure. This went off the rails early.

Next, Trump asks Kenya if she’s a nice person and then says that she is. “So what happened?” HA! Trump’s not trying to be funny in the way that he actually ends up being funny, but these terrible conversations are the light of my life. Kenya talks about how great she is and then compliments Ivanka. Trump wraps it up with “We’re so proud of you, Gilbert, everybody”. I can’t tell who that sentence refers to, like, at all. Is everybody proud of Gilbert? Is the royal we proud of everybody and also Gilbert? This dude gets to talk on TV and nobody stops him.

Back to the tape! So, I was under the impression that they’d have to put on an event and deal with all the logistics like they have, oh, every season. Nope. The task ends with their presentation – they’ll show the commercial, talk for a bit, then provide some entertainment. This final task isn’t requiring any more of them than a regular task, which is really disappointing. I love when they had to put on the parties and deal with where to put tables and how many cups they need. At least there’s a red carpet where people can pose with Minions.

Geraldo interviews that he proved “an old guy can still get it up” because there’s no way they’re letting us out of here until they’re sure that you’ve thought about Geraldo’s penis at least once.

Leeza reminds us of the task and also downplays her own fundraising skills. There’s a funny aside when Gilbert shows up and she asks who he showed up to support and he just asks about the free food. Leeza plays along with it, and it’s cute. Not super funny on paper, but it made me laugh.

FOX News people show up for Geraldo with much smaller checks this time. Shepard Smith is there, taking a break from a True Blood marathon. And there’s Steve Doocy, though this time he’s not accompanied by Brown Haired Guy who isn’t Steve Doocy. Geraldo talks about how hot Megyn Kelly is. He doesn’t mention her donation because it’s not like that matters when there’s a pretty lady, right? (Guys? Geraldo is kinda gross.)

Leeza greets her donors and talks about her charity and this very nice woman gives her $100,000. Trump finally shows up, and of course there’s a musical flourish accompanying his entrance. Just once, I wish they’d play him in with the Imperial March. Eric could play a Stormtrooper and everything!

Then, Optimus Prime and Bumblebee walk in. I actually don’t know what this is. I feel like they must be remote controlled, but that seems excessive to build a couple of ten-foot robots that walk on two legs. It’s weird. They also move their arms too much, as if to say “It cost a lot to make me, so I’m giving them their money’s worth”. As noted before, I hate these designs. Also, the fact that Bumblebee isn’t a VW Bug anymore is stupid. They don’t use his established character design or personality, so why is it Bumblebee at all? I hate those movies so much.

Optimus Prime, who is not voiced by Peter Cullen at all, says that he traveled across the universe to see the outcome of Celebrity Apprentice. I don’t see any kids here – who are they doing this for? It’s not even like there’s a movie coming out soon to promote. Oh, wait – this would have been before Age of Extinction came out last year. Holy smokes. At the time this was shot, nobody had heard “I am Groot”.

Ready for Geraldo to screw stuff up? He announced Vivica as “a star of stage and screen”. You know what? I’m willing to assume that she did some plays and let that one go. Then it’s Lorenzo, “star of The Revengers“. HA! He combined Renegade and Avengers for some reason and ended up saying something that’s not a word. Finally, it’s “Ian Zierling”. He says it that way three times, and I love it. In an interview, Ian refers to him as “Jeraldildo”, and I don’t think he intended to make that dirty, but he did. Hashtag blessed. (Lord, Geraldo is such a tool.–Myndi)

He shows his commercial. It’s heavy on the Geraldo, the kids are not good at acting, and the parents in the ads are positively gleeful when their children disappear. It’s pretty well-edited and shot, but that’s all you can say for it. Then he brings out Tony Orlando who gives a testimonial and I don’t ever want to criticize the charity stuff, but Tony uses kind of a dated term to describe his sister. It’s just enough that you’ll flinch a little. He does mention Willowbrook, which was a home for the developmentally impaired that was run like an old-time asylum and Geraldo exposed them years ago. I totally forgot that happened!

Tony Orlando sings “Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Old Oak Tree” and Bumblebee dances. Geraldo’s team members are all wearing yellow ribbons, but that’s supposed to be for returning vets, right? Or was that only the Gulf War and now yellow is back in play?   I don’t know, man. Also, all respect to Tony Orlando, but it’s really hard to care about this performance. I mean, who’s geeked about hearing “Yellow Ribbon” in this day and age? (I was, but only because it came out the year I was born and my mother always talked about how much it was on the radio when we were up for late night feedings, so it’s major nostalgia for me. –Myndi)

Time for Leeza to present! Unfortunately, she thanks Trump for changing her life which feeds into the narrative that he always wants to present. Don’t give him ammunition, Leeza! We’re on the same side here!  (I hate this too, but literally the only positive thing this show does is raise awareness and funds for the charities these people represent.  I remind myself of that a lot while I’m watching this.–Myndi)

Leeza presents her commercial. It looks nice but it takes a while to get going. It shows things you can do at Universal instead of Geraldo using magic to kidnap children. I can’t see it being used in a real ad campaign, but it’s close. Then Leeza talks about her charity and what she says is genuinely lovely and touching. No jokes, and I’ll actually cry if I talk about it, so I’m going to move on to parts that are funny.

She brings out Olivia Newton John, and I as an audience member would be much happier about that than Tony Orlando. Vivica interviews that she discovered her woman crush and I really think there’s a market for a reality show about Vivica A. Fox and Olivia Newton John opening a pastry shop together. If I were good at comedy, I’d have a title ready but I just wrote myself into a corner and I have no punchline. In my defense, it’s been a long season.

Back at the live show, Trump tells Keshia that he got her name wrong but if you’ll notice, he never apologizes. It has the tone of an apology. If you only watched it once like a normal person should, you’d remember it as an apology, but there’s no actual apology in there. He states a fact and moves on. It’s weird, but I feel like most of his real-life interactions go that way. “Chuck. I spilled coffee on your shirt. Do you agree?” Also, and maybe I’ve brought this up in the past, but when they come back to the live portions, Trump does this weird head bob. It’s really aggressive – it’s like he has to physically shift back into TV mode.

Trump wraps up his talk with Keshia by telling her she did a fantastic job. First off, she actually couldn’t have done worse. I’ve got nothing against her, but that’s like praising somebody for making it up to the first hole on Labyrinth. Second, she thanks him for his donation to her charity but he talks over her to introduce another segment. Hope you enjoyed your time, Keshia! NBC will call you when it’s time to do that big Cosby Show retrospective…

It was very important for Trump to introduce the new Miss Universe in the audience. She’s from Colombia and Trump “jokes” about how there were riots in the streets. Dude? I don’t know if you follow the news or just pay attention to the Google alert you have set up to inform you every time President Obama doesn’t wear a flag pin, but there’s a lot of actual rioting going on and it is not even a little bit funny. Trump asks if she’d rather be Miss Universe or an Apprentice contestant and the bit drags on too long and gets super awkward through no fault of hers. At one point Kenya says she’s gorgeous and calls her “my sister”. You can totally see the resemblance. Even better, the cameras stay on Miss Universe the whole time, so she’s just chilling out while a dumb conversation happens in her vicinity. Good luck to you! In just one year, they’ll crown a new pageant winner and you’ll be free of Trump’s clutches!

And now, it’s time to go back to the video for a post-task Boardroom that will resolve nothing. Should I have marked that with a SPOILEE WARNING?

Trump opens by asking Lorenzo how Geraldo did and Lorenzo says nice things because it doesn’t matter now. Trump says “Didn’t he get your movie wrong?” and Lorenzo is flummoxed because he clearly think Trump is calling a commercial a movie and referring to the messed-up shot list. So Lorenzo tries to smooth it over and Trump finally gets it across that he’s talking about the introduction at the presentation, and instead of getting commercials and movies confused, he’s getting TV and movies confused. Then Geraldo gets it wrong again and says he called it “The Avengers”. Which is, of course, both an actual movie and an actual TV show. Unlike “Revengers”, which is nothing. (Well, I think it might refer to the Emily Thorne’s fans from the show Revenge, but that’s a longshot at best.–Myndi) Poor Lorenzo has now had to correct the name of his show, the form of media in which it existed, and the original mispronunciation. You deserve better, Lorenzo! You were really funny on the most recent incarnation of The Joe Schmo Show!

Trump asks Ian if he minded that Geraldo got his name wrong, and he responds “Please, call me Ian. It’s much easier.” It doesn’t work in print, but he pronounced his name the traditional way rather than the usual science fiction-y way he does. Like McKellen rather than leaving the first two letters off of “Brian”. Forget it. It was funny in the way that I can’t recreate. Trump asks if Geraldo should lose for that, and Ian says no.  (See, I like Ian a lot when he’s not so intense and pretentious about stuff.  If he could just dial that crap back, he’d be so much better off.–Myndi)

Vivica says Geraldo did a great job but makes it clear that he got on everybody’s nerves. She actually compliments Lorenzo more than Geraldo, so maybe we’ll have a real come-from-behind winner. Trump asks Ian what Geraldo should have done differently, and I have to wonder where the starting point is there. Like, all the way back to 1984? Ian says that Geraldo finds a way to survive, and Trump mutters “his whole life” and everybody laughs as if that were a joke.

Guess what? Literally every person on the planet has been surviving their whole life. That’s a requirement of being alive. This is not the achievement you make it out to be! I mean, if he spent his life in a tank full of sharks, yes, I would concede that his continued survival is worth noting. Since that does not appear to be the case, let’s not pin a medal on his chest.

Ian says Geraldo’s greatest achievement in the game is losing five tasks in a row and not being eliminated. Ha! Something tells me, Ian is Team Leeza. When the best you can come up with is “He was terrible but he kept showing up”, you know your blurb isn’t ending up on the back cover. (I say this as an official back cover blurb provider, you understand.)

Ivanka jumps on, pointing out that Geraldo really contributed to all of the losses, and yet here he is. Ha! I don’t think she’s even trying to burn him – I think she’s just trying to talk up Geraldo but he’s not giving her anything to work with. Next up, somebody will have to note that his face does a good job of keeping his glasses from hitting the ground.

Trump asks Geraldo who on his team was outstanding, a question that even he admits doesn’t matter at this point. Geraldo talks about having two guys he burned on his team buy says they were great. He doesn’t answer the question, because Geraldo was the star of Geraldo’s team, and Geraldo can’t pretend otherwise. #Geraldo

Next, we turn to Leeza’s team. Brandi says that they definitely won and says nice things about Leeza. She seems to be very genuine, and it’s a big shift from “Boy, Geraldo is good at not getting eliminated”. Brandi also talks about what a great job Kevin did, which she heard about after the fact because she and Johnny were busy trying to win a purple monkey from the claw machine. Johnny agrees that they did a great job.

It’s been like two minutes since we talked about Geraldo, so Trump asks Leeza what she thought about Geraldo’s work. She’s complimentary, but doesn’t think he beat her. Trump asks Geraldo if he thinks Leeza won, and he says no. These kinds of questions are dumb, but given the number of people this season who’ve answered “who should be fired?” with “me”, they’re actually worth asking At this point, it wouldn’t be unprecedented for one of them to say “Yeah, their commercial was definitely better. Can you please give them my charity’s money?” Geraldo talks about how heartfelt his presentation was, but he says it in a way that couldn’t make it seem less heartfelt. Feelings Robot wants to hug you! Feelings Robot has feelings that are in no way programmed or artificial!

Ivanka says Universal liked Geraldo’s “discover your inner hero” theme and the use of celebrity. They thought the presentation was disjointed and didn’t care for the way the ad implied that kids and parents can’t share an experience at the park. Per Don Jr., they liked Leeza’s voiceover and her sincerity. They loved the presentation and the way they showed a range of experiences. Their one complaint is that they didn’t use celebrities in the commercial. Well, sure. If they’d had access to any, that would have been a different story. “Hi, I’m c-list reality show performer Brandi Glanville, and this is noted wooden plank Johnny Damon.”

Time to talk cash. Trump says it wasn’t even close, and Leeza’s team looks spooked. Trump says he assumes that Geraldo, but Geraldo grits his teeth and says “you can’t get juice from the same lemon”. Oh, this did not go well for him. Geraldo’s team raised $146,000 which would be impressive if I led the team but is really bad for a final task. We saw Leeza get 2/3 of that from one check. Sure enough, Leeza raised $324,000 and the audience reaction is huge. Nobody’s on Geraldo’s side. The teams leave the Boardroom and then we’re back to the live show.

Trump brings out the final teams. Johnny, introduced as “a Yankee killer”. See, he fought for the South, and with every Union soldier he killed, he carved a notch in the stock of his rifle. Word ’round here is that by the time the war was over, that gun was more notch than stock, if you know what I mean. Then there’s Lorenzo, Kevin, Brandi, Vivica, and Ian. Ian is introduced as “the king of Sharknado“, and it is pretty funny to hear Trump say that word.

So, Steve Guttenburg is doing a Syfy original called Lavalantulas about lava tarantulas. Ian has a cameo as his Sharknado character, which means they’re building their own shared universe. And then, at the end of every movie, Nick Fury shows up to recruit them for the Avengers Initiative I bet.

Trump asks if the men and women played differently, which is kind of a tired question. And since they switched up the teams really early, it’s not even a question of team performance. Mostly, Trump’s working on his stand-up about how men and women are different. See, when men make phone call they’re all like this. But when women make a phone call, they’re all like this….

Ian says the women were more vicious and he could not look more uncomfortable to be seated between Kenya and Vivica. Trump asks “how does this compare to Sharknado“, and I’m not sure how you answer that. One was a game show where people tried to win money for charity and the other was a TV-movie about a tornado made of sharks. This is an awkward way of segueing into the lost phone, which Trump says “was the talk of the country for a long time”. I can’t even remember a time before we were talking about Vivica’s lost phone. Like, I think the last conversation I had that wasn’t about that very topic was maybe about the movie Avatar.

We see clips we’ve seen before, plus previously unseen footage of Vivica not having a phone.

Back at the live show, Kenya says “You’re looking for a phone…” and then very dramatically pulls one out of her purse. Then she laughs about the fact that it’s hers. There is absolutely zero reaction from the audience, which absolutely delights me. Nobody cares, Kenya. She and Trump talk, but it’s drowned out by the “nobody cares” chorus from that episode of Scrubs. Trumps ask Vivica what she thinks, and says that when Kenya starts moving her hands, she’s lying. The audience likes this and I’m this much closer to never talking about Kenya Moore again. Ooh, Brandi suggests that if it wasn’t Kenya, it was her hair and makeup people since they were the only other people allowed in.

Hold up. Kenya got to bring her own hair and makeup people on the show? And they were in the room while they were doing the task? That’s nuts, right? That’s a level of vanity I can’t even imagine. It’s also surprising that the show agreed to that. It seems like it would be a giant pain for all kinds of reasons.

We get one last amazing moment Kenya pontificates and Vivica makes fun of her hand movements as she talks. It’s really funny and now we’re done with Kenya forever.

Trump introduces a montage of clips of Gilbert. My favorite is Gilbert just walking up to Terrell and asking him to teach him “a black handshake”. Trump says that Gilbert gave up at the end, which doesn’t seem accurate. But Gilbert says he gave up because he’s going through menopause. Terrell and Trump agree that Gilbert was terrific and also that they’ve successfully eaten up several minutes of air time. Meanwhile Shawn and Jamie wonder when they’re getting their montages of times when they looked blankly at things.

With that, it’s time to bring out Geraldo and Leeza. Trump leads with “Leeza, I don’t want to be nasty but I’m surprised you made it this far.” (And, what is he basing that on?  Oh right, the fact that she has breasts.–Myndi) I feel like there’s a not-terrible way to express that sentiment, but that wasn’t it. There’s a montage of people not liking Geraldo.

Trump acts shocked when Kevin says that Leeza should win. Wait. He’s rooting for the person he liked and the one with whom he worked in the final task? Stop the presses! Brandi also wants Leeza to win but acknowledges that she likes Geraldo because she never worked with him. Johnny is also rooting for Leeza. Her final team likes her! Leeza says nice things about everybody involved with the show.

Trump asks Geraldo if he has a problem being nice. He says that “all my FOX friends are here rooting for you” but still he’s “a miserable guy”. Man, Trump is bad at this. Also, I know he’s talking about FOX News, but how amazing would it be if it were just people who had shows on regular FOX. Like there’s a row with Andy Samberg and the Penguin and Cookie from Empire all just hanging out and holding “Team Geraldo” pennants.

I got so caught up in the thought of Gene from Bob’s Burgers and Gordon Ramsay attending the finale that I missed most of what Geraldo said after that. It was mostly self-serving, though.

Ivanka introduces video segment about Leeza’s Care Connection. And since I’m not going to make jokes about charities, let’s just enjoy genuine feelings for a bit. Leeza gets a funny bit during her segment where, though tears, she jokes that Geraldo should concede because nobody wants to see Ian melt down if he wins. Hee!

Don Jr., who is not on microphone, introduces a piece on Life’s Work. Again, no jokes but an autistic young man tells Geraldo “screw the terrorists”, which is quite funny.

And now they get to those Twitter questions from earlier. It would have been weird if I’d sent one and it appeared on the show and then I had to recap myself. Somebody wants to know what the biggest lesson in business Ian learned is. That’s a weird and very specific question. He says something about how you keep failing until you succeed. Somebody else wants Kevin to explain how to be a successful entrepreneur. Man, this segment is really boring. I’m guessing they got mostly insults or joke questions, so they were left with people who want Ian Ziering to help them navigate the business world.

They bring out Melissa Rivers for a special segment in honor of her mother. Honestly, it’s mostly footage of Joan walking into rooms plus a joke about oral sex in the middle. Joan Rivers: She made dirty jokes and entered rooms.

OK, down to the last fifteen minutes. They have to be done with filler, right? Trump asks some of the contestants who should win, and it gives Kate Gosselin her only chance to talk all night. Vivica picks Leeza to win, despite having been on Geraldo’s team. She’s breaking ranks! Trump asks Lorenzo about his charity and then tells him he’s a class act. What is happening here? Then he asks Gilbert who should win, and it’s pretty funny. “Geraldo’s great. He’ll tell you himself.” He asks Johnny, who’s already said that Leeza should win, and he answers the same way he did before. Was that a test to see if Johnny was being sincere?

Finally, Trumps asks Geraldo why he should win. He starts by complimenting Leeza, but he calls her “high-functioning” which is a descriptor I’ve only ever heard when placing somebody on the autism spectrum. The audience laughs and things get away from Geraldo. His point gets to be that Leeza is a safe choice, but Trump didn’t get where he is by making safe choices. It really was a risk for him to continue working in the same line of business as his father and cash in on that name. Seriously, the more you learn about Trump, the more you learn that the narrative he puts forth is a load of hooey. I remind you that he once owned a casino that went bankrupt. Who loses money on a casino? I mean, it’s pretty much just Blue Beetle and Booster Gold and then Trump.

Geraldo keeps talking and says that it’s important to look at who raised the most money, and in this final task, that was Leeza. He might want to stop talking now. I mean, he can talk about how much he brought in, but he was Project Manger on every fundraising task. That skews the numbers considerably.

Trump asks if they’d like to know who won the final task. He makes a point of saying that it doesn’t mean that they won the show, and it’s not even the main factor. Still, Leeza won. The cheer from the audience makes me think that they checked out for Trump’s “You know this task doesn’t really count, right?” speech.

He asks Leeza who should win, and she takes issue with being called “safe”. She notes that she has a winning record and never got called back to the Boardroom, whereas there’s a chair in there permanently contoured to Geraldo’s backside. Trump says he’s ready to make his final decision and then kicks it to commercial one last time.

And then, the big announcement. No, not that one. NBC renewed the show, so we’ve got another season of Celebrity Apprentice coming at us. Trump makes a point of saying it won’t be for a while, so I assume he’s going to spend the next year or so talking about running for President but never actually doing it. After that, they’ll get back to the show. I’m… not sure how to feel. These recaps take so long to write, but I actually enjoy doing them. But the show itself sort of crushes my soul. Also, I hate the idea of Trump thinking that he has a successful show. I want him to be sad!

I don’t think I’ve mentioned that Ivanka’s dress is nuts. It’s red with a high collar, but the neck and shoulders are covered with this really gaudy design element that I can’t quite describe, but it makes her look like she might be a general in an alien army. Anyway, the Trumplings weigh in. As usual, they don’t really take a stand but they focus on saying nice things about Leeza and also acknowledging that Geraldo exists.

Trunp compliments Geraldo and calls him a “special guy”. Do you think Trump has half of a pennant that says “BE FRI” and then Geraldo has the other half that says “ST ENDS”? Anyway, they’re out of time so it’s time for Trump to announce that the winner of Celebrity Apprentice is…. Leeza Gibbons! I am happier about this than I expected. There are hugs and desperate reality stars jockeying for a few more seconds of camera time, but it’s finally over.

I think that was the right choice, as if such a concept matters on this show.

Well, that’s the season. Thanks to everybody who stuck it out through these insanely long recaps. I’d like to think we had some fun and witnessed some truly appalling things. I’ll be back for the next season whenever it happens! Well, I’m actually on this site like every day. You should read my Gotham recaps and we’ll all go from my least favorite billionaire to my favorite.

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