Previously on Celebrity Apprentice: Trump shuffled the teams with no explanation and then they sold wedding dresses. Ian Ziering got super intense, Brandi Glanville went home sick but still raised a lot of money, and Geraldo Rivera’s team won but both charities got to keep their own money. Terrell Owens was fired for not being especially interested in being there, but at least he got a good meal out of it.
Man, the official “previously” segment has a lot of footage that wasn’t actually in the episode.
Ian and Johnny Damon return to the Suite to congratulations from everybody. Ian interviews that he’s a ninja. Shawn Johnson talks about how she’s surprised that she made it this far, and Reality TV 101 tells us that means she’s either going to dominate or be fired. Shawn happily says that she plans to stay under the radar. That should work perfectly!
Opening credits. Oh man. I didn’t realize this before, but Geraldo’s action shot is him looking in a mirror. Hee!
The baby ducklings assemble at Trump Tower and are delighted to see Joan Rivers. Yeah, this was shot a while ago. I’ve got nothing bad to say about Joan (except for when she was actually on the show and she likened professional poker to Nazism), but I’m glad they didn’t go back and try to give this episode a poignant edit full of significant moments. I figured there was a fifty percent chance of that happening and a fifty percent chance that nobody at NBC has looked over these episodes since last February. (This shit is on autopilot.–Myndi)
Anyway, they’re surrounded by shoes because they’re promoting the Ivanka Trump Collection. Trump says that his daughter is good at everything, though he’s not clear on what she does. I’m not making that up – he actually says “whatever the hell she does”. And I hate to bring this up, but the screen where I paused is really horrifying. I haven’t mentioned it lately, but Trump has a butthole mouth. It looks weird most of the time, but if you pause him talking, you can get some hilarious but disgusting images where it looks like a turd is going to come out of his face. I paused on what’s maybe the most butthole mouth shot I’ve seen in seven seasons of this and I feel physically weak.
Ivanka explains that they’re going to set up a mobile boutique to promote her shoes that are sold at Nordstrom. They’re tying it into the “Power Up” campaign, which is weird because that’s a phrase I associate almost exclusively with video games. Are Ivanka’s shoes like Kuribo’s Shoe from Super Mario 3?
Geraldo says that Sig Hansen has a question, and Sig complains that all the tasks have been so feminine that “I can’t find my penis in the morning.” It’s cool, Sig. Just lose some weight and you’ll be able to see it again. Also? Shut up. Maybe in the next hour they’ll sell monster trucks and not wanting to talk on the phone. Is that manly enough for you? (Dear Sig, the 1980s called and they’d like their gold chain and feathered mullet back. Ya burnt!–Myndi)
Time to pick the Project Managers. Geraldo says it needs to be “one of the dames”. Yep. Shawn is quick to back out, pointing out that she’s never hosted a marketing event. As opposed to all the big events that professional womb Kate Gosselin has put on? Maybe the crab boat captain has some experience? Vivica A. Fox is thoroughly over this and just steps up to be PM for the second time. She’s not happy about it, but she’s doing it.
There’s less drama over at Infinity, where Kenya Moore takes on the role. She explains the task again immediately. Also, and I promise I won’t harp on this, but her boobs look really weird in her interviews. It’s a super low-cut top but then the parts of it that exist are way too tight so it creates this bizarre squeezing effect. I’ve said my piece and I shan’t go back there again.
Kenya takes the lead right away and wants to replicate Nordstrom out on the street. It’s very important that they have a piano and a chandelier. Leeza Gibbons doesn’t think that’s the right approach to target millennials. First off, she is right. If I understand correctly, Millennials mostly care about emojis and pop songs that are about butts if you listen to the lyrics. But I hate even hearing “Millennials”. It’s such a gross marketing thing, and I understand why you’d use it in that setting but I hate hearing it out in the world. I hate “Generation X” and “Generation Y” and just that whole think of taking fifteen years and deciding that everybody born in that range responds to the exact same thing. I feel like Don Draper wouldn’t pull that crap. That’s all beside the point. Leeza lets her concern be known and then drops it because she’s good at this game. Kenya sends Ian, Johnny Damon, and Brandi Glanville to the prop store. I love the prop store. Apparently you can just get a piano there. But is it a good idea to send 60% of your team on a prop run?
Over at Vortex, Kate loves shoes. Lorenzo Lamas offers to be the shoe fitter and the way he says it makes me thing that might be his thing. I don’t need to know about it, but you do you, buddy. Geraldo wants to use the “Ivanka I” to say “I am…” and then a whole bunch of things women can be. It’s fine, but super obvious. Geraldo: “My mind is like a volcano. It’s constantly spewing. I am amazed by my own endless creativity.” The man is his own biggest supporter. Also, maybe “spewing” isn’t the verb to go with. There are… connotations.
Shawn wants to create an “easy, comfy experience” like a Nordstrom dressing area. They decide to get a barista so everybody can get coffee. Vivica passive-aggressives about Shawn not stepping up. (Vivica annoys the crap out of me. She’s such a martyr.–Myndi)
When we come back from break, Vortex gets their “mobile truck”. As opposed to an immobile truck, I guess. It’s surprisingly small. They don’t have much room to work with, but I don’t know what they were expecting either. Since they planned to have couches and cubicles, I think they were planning on a tractor-trailer. This is maybe smaller than a school bus. They decide to set up the coffee bar outside the vehicle and display the shoes inside. Geraldo calls the shopping team (Kate, Shawn, and Sig) to tell them the new plan. Kate and Shawn are upset that they changed things even though, you know, they kind of needed to. Both of them take it as a personal insult.
Also, when they get the call they’re standing in an aisle full of bolts of cloth and I like to think they went to Mood in their free time. Deep down, Sig is a big Project Runway fan.
Vivica explains to them that the truck is tiny so they don’t need drapery now. Shawn is mad that they wasted money because apparently she’s paying for props out of her own pocket. She interviews “I don’t want my name attached to that”. Man, every single person here spells “team” with an “I”. Maybe it’s the Ivanka I! Shawn complains about the possibility of buying the wrong thing and getting in trouble and Vivica totally runs out of patience.
At Infinity, they seem less worried about the truck size. Kenya still thinks they can get a piano in there because she’s never played Tetris. She falls in love with the catchphrase “Power up your Sole” and explains it to everybody within earshot over and over again. The shopping team comes back and Kenya tasks Ian with taking pictures of 100 shoes – the idea is to display them on flatscreens and tablets, which is actually pretty smart. Ian just hunkers down and starts taking shoe pictures. This team is definitely the more functional of the two.
Brandi doesn’t understand the exact concept, and that seems to be the case all around. She’s just the only one who’s going to say it. Leeza and Brandi hang drapery and Kenya offers the helpful input “Make it prettier than that”.
The prop team comes back to Vortex and Geraldo asks Sig “are you menstruating yet?” Still hilarious, right? At least he’s on Shawn’s team and can ask her for advice. There’s a little debate about using real flowers vs. plastic flowers, but it’s over quickly. Kate interrupts Vivica explaining the layout to say she doesn’t understand the layout. Then she complains that everything is different. Well, sometimes when you leave for hours (on every single task), people come up with new ideas. Kate pictures a cafe where you try on shoes. Then she and Shawn eat and talk about how they’ve been forced out so they should stop helping. I don’t think they can hear themselves.
It’s raining on the day of the task, which is not going to be good for that piano. At Infinity, Kenya is really focused on the piano and chandelier while everybody else sets up the things that matter, like the shoes. (Leeza: “I wish I had a broom.” Brandi: “I wish I had a Project Manager.”) Vortex seems to be a little more unified in that they’re all kind of focused on the same things. Geraldo hands out fliers telling people about the event, including to the actual people they hired to provide coffee. Your marketing has already reached them. Kate is concerned that they have this cafe outside and then all the shoes are inside the truck but there’s no reason to go in there. The inside of their van looks nice, though! We see Team Vortex really getting out there and hustling. Except for Shawn, who makes a point of looking totally over it.
Joan Rivers arrives and she seems concerned that there’s no reason to go inside the truck, but she seems to like the overall layout. Then we cut to Infinity where they’re offering foot massages and green shots. Like, lime Jell-O shots? Also, foot massage from a stranger in a van? Super creepy. The chandelier inside the truck looks terrible, but they did a good job by letting people see the whole shoe slideshow on iPads and a flatscreen. Joan seems to like it, especially if you hear Kenya talk about how impressed she was.
As soon as Joan leaves, Ivanka and the Nordstrom lady show up. Kenya fawns all over Ivanka and calls “power up your sole” a “double entendre”. Well, more of a pun, really. Actually, since “Power up your soul” isn’t a phrase, it’s really just a homonym. Kenya interviews about how great she is and how she understands both luxury and marketing.
Over at Vortex, ain’t nobody checking out shoes. They’re getting their coffee and leaving. Ivanka and Nordstrom Lady show up and Lorenzo thinks they’re “diggin’ the whole vibe”. Vivica says their audience is “women who want to be Ivanka”. Really? I mean, she’s an attractive lady and seems to have it all together, especially when you consider the source of her genetic material. But is she such an aspirational figure? Sound off in the comments! Or don’t. It’s your life, man.
Boardroom time! Trump tells everybody what a great champion Joan Rivers is, which is sweet but it almost feels like he said it just so it would ultimately be poignant? I just have a hard time believing Trump when he says nice things (and doesn’t take credit for other people), so it just seems weird.
Trump asks Kenya about the task and specifically Brandi. Kenya says she “worked well with others this time” and takes credit for that. Brandi allows that Kenya “did a good job”. Leeza says they were disorganized at first, but they came through. Then they talk about “Power Up Your Sole”, which Trump pronounces “cool”. Oh, it’s rad all right. Ivanka liked that the best of the two slogans. She’s tipping her hand too early!
Trump asks Vivica who was bad on her team, and she says she encountered resistance from Shawn and Kate. I can’t tell if Vivica is one of those ladies who doesn’t get along with other women or not. She keeps singling out women as being poor performers, but Shawn and Kate are such pills that she’s not wrong to do so. I don’t know. All I know is people get mad at Amy Poehler for making a joke about Taylor Swift because they’re both woman and that doesn’t make sense to me. Hope you enjoyed my Hot Take!
Kate responds by complaining that plans changed, which means a lack of leadership. Again, the truck was smaller than they thought. It would have been bad leadership to proceed with putting couches in a space that was too small to hold them. Kate still thinks “strangely” that they won, though. She brags about how she bought real flowers instead of plastic flowers and that might win them the task. Vivica: “Congratulations, you got fresh flowers.” HEE!
Trump asks Vivica if Shawn has been stepping up and Vivica tears up because she doesn’t want to be mean but also Shawn sucks. I can’t tell if she’s being emotional or if it’s pure evil genius. “I’m too nice to tell you how terrible she is.” Vivica says that Shawn should have been Project Manager. We all know who’s getting fired already, right?
Time for Ivanka to reveal the results! She thought Vortex was “on brand” but they forgot about the product. Kenya, on the other hand “didn’t resonate with the Millennial customer.” Ew, “Millennial” and “on brand” back-to-back. Technically, she used “on brand” to refer to an actual brand, but I see people who say it about themselves as people. Those people are monsters. I’m old and grumpy today. Get off my lawn! Anyway, she liked the way that they incorporated and understood the product. And thus, Kenya and Team Infinity win.
Infinity celebrates in their suite. I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s really all one suite. Everybody ends up there eventually. But they always start with a shot of a door bearing the winning team’s name. So that means there are either two doors to the same room, or that they all use the same door and that somewhere else there are fake doors to nowhere bearing each team name and they use those for insert shots. I favor the latter, and I like to think they get a new shot every week rather than just re-use an existing image of the Infinity door. (It’s one of the subtle nuances of this fine program.–Myndi)
In the Boardroom, Vivica acknowledges that they may have focused too much on Ivanka instead of the product, but that’s only because “You’re beautiful. You’re amazing.” I like that strategy – “We lost this task because we admire you too much.” Kate says they lost due to lack of leadership. I’m tired of pointing out why Kate is dumb for saying this.
This is kind of amazing. Kate claims: “At one point Vivica said ‘Kate, rescue me with your… with your decor. And I said ‘Vivica, if you can’t say words, tell me exactly what you need’.” Try to parse that – it doesn’t make one lick of sense. Let’s assume Vivica said this (which we didn’t see). What in the name of all that is holy does “if you can’t say words, tell me exactly what you need” even mean? Like, she was saying words in the first place. Also, how would she tell you what she needs in any other place.
Vivica is as surprised at this as I am, responding “I said what?” with a look on her face that should be the illustration for “Bitch, please” in the dictionary. Admittedly, it would be a weird dictionary. Vivica follows up with “Make that story be correct”, and I love that. (I’ll give her that one. She’s feisty in the boardroom. But she still annoys me.–Myndi)
Ivanka steps in to stop this from getting dumber. Ivanka says that she was impressed with Lorenzo and Geraldo, but Shawn was “much more laid back in your excitement”. Which is the same as not being excited, I believe. In the Suite, Leeza and Brandi exhort her to fight for it. Back in the Boardroom, Joan says that she saw excitement and leadership when she visited the site. Trump interrupts to ask everybody how great Joan looks, because that’s the only true value that a woman has. This guy, I swear.
Vivica elects to bring Kate and Shawn back to the final Boardroom. But before they get to that, Trump asks Geraldo which of those three did the best. Because what’s he gonna do, listen to a bunch of broads? Geraldo picks Vivica and says it was like sausage. “Who knows how it’s made? But at the end of the day, we had a pretty good sausage.” The camera cuts to Lorenzo who can’t believe the nonsense he’s sitting through. (And a man who’s on his fifth marriage knows nonsense.–Myndi)
Back in the Boardroom, Trump wants to know why Vivica brought back Kate and Shawn and it’s because they’re not very good. Duh. Ivanka asks who the team can afford to lose and she picks Shawn. But she sort of explains why Shawn is better than Kate and I think one of us misunderstood the question. Kate could not look more smug right now, by the way. Shawn explains that this is all part of her game to let people think that they have influence over her. Well, that might be a decent strategy on, say, Survivor, but this is not that show.
Trump notes that Kate has won as Project Manager. Vivica has done it twice and won once. While Shawn… climbed on some scaffolding once and also endured a monthly visitor. Shawn’s argument is that this was very foreign to her. Ivanka says that this would have been a task that would have benefited from a young Project Manager, and Shawn agrees. That’s not a great move. Even worse, she talks about her great idea to make the space a Nordstrom dressing room. Of course, this actually fell apart because the truck was too small, but nobody mentions that. Also, who tries on shoes in a dressing room?
Ivanka seals her fate by saying that would have probably won the task, and so Shawn is fired. I liked her on Dancing with the Stars, but she really got on my nerves here. In her limo, she once again reiterates that she’s very young and also she’ll be on Today.
To be honest, this episode was pretty boring. I mean, by this show’s standards. But in the next hour, Lorenzo says something that’s still making me laugh and Trump goes on an amazing rant. It’ll be fun!.