Previously on Celebrity Apprentice: The teams made “viral videos” for a coffee company that nobody under the age of sixty has ever heard of. Geraldo Rivera looked lustfully at his own image, Kenya Moore threw shade in the Boardroom (That’s a phrase right? I used that correctly?), and Trump is still bitter about not winning an Emmy ten years ago. It consumes him. Ultimately, Lorenzo Lamas wouldn’t bring anybody back to the final Boardroom, so he basically fired himself. Oh, also Lorenzo called Geraldo “a Latin”, and I can’t stop laughing about that.
So, this is weird. When the losing team watches in the suite, they get cut off as soon as the Project Manager picks two people for the Final Boardroom. Since that didn’t happen last week, theoretically Infinity should have seen the elimination but they’re all talking about who they think is coming back. And we know they watch it live, because in Season One, Piers Morgan went back into the Boardroom because they were talking about him. I can’t make sense of this and it’s deeply vexing.
Vortex comes back and explains the firing that I just told you about. Vivica A. Fox actually explains it to the members of Infinity and them immediately explains it again to the viewers. Imagine how many times she would have explained it if they were still doing two-hour tasks! Sig Hansen interviews that he has to be the Project Manager because he hasn’t done it yet.
And then Kate Gosselin calls out Vivica for naming her as the weakest player. “The weakest player is not the Project Manager who had the creative idea? It’s me because I sat in the hair chair for too long? Really?” It’s a new level of delusion! She’s mad that Vivica supported the person who did something rather than the person who ate up the afternoon getting her hair done. In Kate’s view, doing nothing is better than doing something. I’m… not surprised, actually.
Opening credits! I like the scene of baseballs raining down just behind Johnny Damon it’s like a really dangerous Captain Kangaroo sketch.
The baby ducklings assemble to see Trump flanked by Don Jr. and the late Johnny Winter. Oh, wait. That’s just Eric Trump. Hi, Eric! Trump talks about how great New York is and that last year 50 million people came to New York and spent 30 billion dollars. I was going to question his statistics, but that works out to $600 per person and that’s not really much at all if you’re on a vacation. So never mind. One of the things they spent money on is Circle Line, these boat tours that go around Manhattan.
Each team has to come up with a theme and put on a tour. The winner will be chosen by guest feedback. Sig, obviously is the manager for Vortex. It’s weird how they act like this is right in his wheelhouse – it’s not like he’s going to be piloting the boat or anything. They’re just putting on a event that will happen on a boat. It’s more “Julie from Love Boat” than Deadliest Catch. Brandi Glanville steps up for Infinity, as the only person who hasn’t been PM yet.
Sig interviews that “Trump throws a boat right in my lap” which sounds like a euphemism for something. Try it out on your next date night. “Wow, you look great. I mean, you threw a boat right in my lap.”
The teams both head to their boats and explain the task to us again. At this point, Sig acknowledges that entertainment on a boat isn’t really anything he knows about. It requires “a feminine touch”. This guy is super obsessed with which things it’s OK for him to know about as a man. (He’s the expert on gold chains and fancy jeans.–Myndi) They start kicking around ideas for a theme, and this episode gets amazing in a hurry.
Take it, Geraldo! “I propose we try and get Revolutionary War re-enactors with their muskets that can fire. Let’s start there. Then you’ve got Ellis Island and immigration, so you try and get some immigrant-type people. And then the soldiers could march and the immigrants could walk”. I can’t even break that down. It’s just too perfect. The whole time, Kate and Vivica are shaking their heads and finally just whispering to one another about how to shut him down. Geraldo goes on to say that maybe Giuliani can talk about the importance of “these vessels on 9/11.” And now I’m dying over here because it’s so Geraldo to look at a nice afternoon trip around the island and ask “Now, how can we incorporate September 11?” Want to go to the batting cages to hit some dingers and hear a presentation on female genital mutilation in the Congo?
He won’t stop talking. Nobody has ever said “9/11” with as much glee as Geraldo right now. Kate and Vivica finally shut him down by saying they already have a tour in place and their job is to focus on the entertainment. This is sound. Geraldo finally looks at Sig and says “I wonder if we should dump the Revolutionary War thing.” Here’s what’s great about that. First off, he’s addressing this at the one person who didn’t present an argument as to why his idea was dumb, because he’s a man. Second, Sig’s response is to make a total “You think?” face that cracks me up.
Let’s check in at Infinity. Brandi starts handing out tasks. She makes Ian Ziering the accountant. Sometimes this comes up, and I never understand it – is it a component of the task to balance the books? She tasks Johnny with finding out what actually happens on the tour and asks Leeza Gibbons to talk about the things they’re going to see. Then she asks Kenya to work on entertainment and graphics and gets the response “that’s two things”. Man, she really doesn’t want to cooperate.
They work on their theme, and Leeza interviews that Kenya and Ian are working against her which is kinda true. Kenya wants to do a Brazilian Carnival theme, and Leeza suggests “Manhattan Mardi Gras”. Brandi asks “Isn’t that New Orleans?”, and Ian looks at her like she’s an idiot, but she’s totally right. You don’t do Mardi Gras for a New York tour! That’s like going to Chicago to see a rodeo. It’s like going to Vegas and staying at New York, New York. (Which people do, but it always makes me feel sad for them.) She wants to focus on New York but doesn’t really assert herself.
Kenya explains that she’s going to help because she wants Brandi’s charity to get money. How big of her. Brandi interviews that “I can trust Kenya as far as I can throw her, and I can’t even pick that bitch up.” OK, that’s pretty funny. Also, in this episode some of the interview segments happen on the dock by the boats, and some are in the usual setting. It’s a welcome visual change.
Back at Vortex, they’re still looking for a theme. The women think that “Love Boat” is the way to go, and that morphs into “Sexiest Catch”. As soon as they land on that, Sig mentions that he knows the President of Hooters and thinks they can import some waitresses. Kate and Vivica aren’t into it, and they’re right. It suddenly makes it a dude cruise. And just the presence of Hooters makes it Hooters-themed, you know? A lot of people who are going to end up on this boat would never sign up for a Hooters cruise. (For me, the Love Boat theme would have been perfect, not that anyone asked.–Myndi)
That said, who’s surprised that Sig knows the President of Hooters? Quick show of hands…. OK, none of you. That’s what I thought.
Geraldo thinks it’s OK because Hooters is “mainstream now. It’s not like a strip club.” There are ways in which it’s worse, I think. But that’s neither here nor there. Point is, the dudes are in favor, the ladies aren’t. Motion carried. Kate actually makes good points in an interview, but nobody brings these up at the actual meeting. Man, Geraldo went from 9/11 to Hooters in record time.
On the Infinity boat, Johnny and Brandi meet with a decorator or, I don’t know, some dude. I’m not sure what he’s doing there. But those two are starting to doubt the theme. Brandi even says “(Mardi Gras) is our theme. For some reason.” Hee! She and Johnny agree that maybe that’s not the way to go so they go below deck where the other team members are pricing Mardi Gras crap from Party City. Brandi comes down and leads with “Girls…” and there’s a hilarious shot of Ian. She announces that they’re scrubbing the Mardi Gras theme and you get the predictable grumbling from people who are positioning themselves to be able to point fingers after a loss. (Ugh. That’s the worst component of this show, isn’t it? I mean, there’s a long list, but I think I hate that part the most.–Myndi)
At Vortex, Sig calls the Coast Guard to do a fly-by. Hooters and the Coast Guard. It’s Ted Nugent’s wet dream. Oh, wait. He’ll also accept “a parade”. The Coast Guard is just gonna throw together a parade on a boat. And then they make another call to Hooters, because once is never enough. Geraldo says “We’d love to Hooter up this whole vessel, if you want to make this a major Hooter presentation….” Ah yes, Major HooterPresentation. He served with valor. Vivica and Kate are totally over hearing the word “Hooter”.
Infinity works on a new theme. Brandi rejects “Fourth of July”, “Picnic”, “Cup of Delight”, and “Manhattan Madness”. I love that “picnic” is a theme. And I have no idea what “Cup of Delight” is, but Ian says it like those are words that go together all the time. They settle on “Big Apple Bonanza” – a celebration of New York. It’s hard to believe it took them all day to come up with a New York theme for a tour of New York. Well, I say that, but Brandi had to fight for it. And Vortex only came up with “boobs on a boat”.
Kenya volunteers to perform her song, and can you even imagine? Brandi interviews that she’s going to “feed her narcissism” and allow it. Either it works or it’s a disaster and Kenya can reasonably be blamed for a loss. Plus, you know she’d be impossible if Brandi turned her down. She’s kind of stuck with it, and I am legit excited to see this big sack of crazy.
The next day, they start loading up their boats. Sig is nervous about “the type of people” they might have. Basically, he’s only just now acknowledging that there are sectors of the population that might not be geeked about a Hooters cruise. Women, couples, the elderly, anybody who’s not a nineties bro… Sig hauls ice and booze around because the bartenders are late. He complains a lot and he’s still steamed about it in the interview segment. When the bartenders show up, 75% of the team is very nice to them but Sig just yells “Hey!” and gesticulates wildly. He curses them out, hits a table and yells. This is the bit they showed on every single commercial all week and it’s this ridiculous, bratty reaction. When Geraldo is trying to smooth things over, you are definitely in the wrong.
Kate worries that this outburst could come back at any time, but it’s useless foreshadowing.
Over at Infinity, the public starts boarding, including Don Jr. It looks kind of nice actually, if you want to be stuck on a crowded boat all afternoon. In these interview segments, Brandi is wearing a dress with what I have to assume is called a boob window. I’m a sucker for the boob window because it looks like something a superhero would wear. It’s like Dave Cockrum designed her outfit! Johnny brings in a boy band that I’ve never heard of (which is no great feat). They set sail and Leeza points out the sights. People are pretty geeked about this and yell “Woo!” a lot. Johnny says “she really hit a home run”, because he can only express things in baseball metaphors. When he loses his keys, he calls it an intentional walk with a runner on second.
Vortex sets sail, and I am not kidding about this: There’s a montage of Hooters girls butts and boobs in which we don’t see a single face. I’d like to think that’s because none of them wanted to sign the release. They have their limits! Geraldo asks a group of ladies if they like the eye candy, because he can’t read a room. Nearby, the bad guy from DaVinci Code worries about the sun. Oh, wait. That’s just Eric Trump. Hi, Eric! Seriously, sunlight makes him look even whiter. It’s worrying.
Sig interviews that he realized he was having fun and he seems shocked that he doesn’t have to fake it. His head is a weird place to be. Geraldo starts talking about Ellis Island, and he sounds like a kid who didn’t finish the required reading. I especially like when he talks about people coming over in their “majestic legions”. People look at their watches. Then he points out Freedom Plaza, which he calls “the new World Trade Center” and yells “Screw the terrorists! We’ve won!” Well, that was incredibly uncomfortable…
A wholesome boy band performs on the Infinity boat. The lead singer even has a cross on the back of his jacket. Wait, are they Crucifictorious? (Anytime I can make a Friday Night Lights reference, I feel like I’ve won.) Wait, there are kids on this boat. I hope the “Sexiest Catch” boat had an age limit. Leeza gives Brandi major props in an interview. And then Kenya comes out to sing. It’s called “Gone with the Wind Fabulous”, and I think maybe they played it on The Soup because it actually sounds familiar. It’s mostly Kenya reminding us that she’s fabulous. It’s so bad, you guys. Then she gets down on the floor for some serious air-humping, and suddenly nobody is having a good time. There’s a hilarious shot of a little girl losing all faith in adults. Then there’s a conga line, which fixes everything. At one point, they pass the Vortex boat and see what a bummer it looks like over there. (It was like an SNL skit gone completely haywire.–Myndi)
And then Brandi and Sig each receive a box with a detonator to blow up the other boat and have to make a choice. Or I’m just thinking of Dark Knight. That seems likely.
Over at Vortex, they’re wrapping things up and Geraldo interviews the Hooters girls and he just keeps getting grosser. Who keeps marrying him? It’s baffling. The Coast Guard shows up, which is to say one single boat that’s smaller than the cruise ship sort of drifts by. There’s nobody even on the deck to wave! It might even just be a coincidence that they’re even there. Sig interviews that he’ll punch anybody who didn’t have a great time. That old Hansen charm…
Boardroom time! Trump immediately says that Sig had a tremendous advantage and couldn’t have lost. Oh, come on. They threw a party on a boat. It’s not like the task was to lead the ship through a nor’easter. Sig says they had a disadvantage since they’re down a person, and Trump responds with maybe my favorite thing he’s ever said. “It’s also boats.” IT’S ALSO BOATS!
Guys, did you know that Sig is automatically skilled at anything that happens on a boat? Want to balance the federal budget? Get Sig a calculator and a schooner! (There’s an issue of Hawkeye where he brags about being “good at boats”. Sig is practically an Avenger!) Maybe he’s a Dungeons & Dragons character and he gets a +4 on any roll at sea. To get that bonus, he had to take a hit to his charisma.
Trump says that if Sig lost a task involving boats, he should be fired. Also, Trump agrees that the Coast Guard are “great guys”. They are solid dudes. “Is the Coast Guard brave?” HA! These are the questions Trump is asking and I like to think he’s legitimately curious. “My pal Tommy Bohannon said the Coast Guard was a bunch of wimps, and I sez to myself ‘Hey, I know a guy who’s good at boats. I’m gonna ask that guy and maybe give Tommy what for’.”
IT’S ALSO BOATS!
Trump thinks that maybe he doesn’t know what the real world is like and Sig explains that the Coast Guard are water police and this is maybe the weirdest conversation I’ve ever seen on this show. I feel like I’m drunk. Trump finally ends it with “Great. Great story.” Then he finally gets back to the show and asks Sig if they won. He thinks they did because they had Hooters girls.
Trump: “Were they beautiful or just OK?” What the hell? That’s a gross question anyway, and there’s certainly only one answer that you’re going to get and it doesn’t even matter. I swear, when Trump loses his mind, nobody’s going to be able to tell.
Sig says they took a chance, but they needed the help because they have four people. So the fifth member of Team Vortex is… the Hooters Girls. In a way, there’s a little Hooters Girls in each of us. Trump asks Kate and she admits to not being on board with it. Kate says it was a risk and Sig answers “I figure I had a fifty/fifty chance.” I’d like to know how he came up with those numbers. But if he did the calculation while on a boat, you can bet it’s correct.
Geraldo calls Sig his “natural partner” because “we are seafarers”. I swear to you, these are all things that people said in this episode. I know it sounds like I’m doing a wacky comedy piece, but I’m reporting the words that people say. It’s also boats. Geraldo rhapsodizes about the art of crabbing and then says he could see himself going to sea with Sig. I have to say, I think I would watch that show.
Trump turns to Brandi to see if she’s less insane. Brandi singles out Johnny and Leeza as the best players, but “everybody was good”. Trump wants to know why she didn’t pick Kenya as the best and Brandi responds “I can only pick one and I already have two.” HA! Brandi says they got along and got the job done. Trump asks if she’d fire Kenya, and Brandi says they didn’t lose. She’s good at this.
Ian said they had problems coming up with the theme, leaving out the fact that their original theme was terrible. Luckily, Brandi makes that case for herself. She’s surprisingly good in the Boardroom.
Per Don Jr, the guests thought Infinity created a fun atmosphere and Leeza was very informative. However, they didn’t care for the theme and though Kenya’s performance was trashy. So, not fabulous?
Eric pipes up for Vortex. The people thought that they were good hosts and liked the food. However, they didn’t like Geraldo’s presentation or his editorializing. Also, imagine that, the ladies weren’t super geeked about the Hooters girls.
Who won? Apparently, it wasn’t even close. The guests preferred Infinity and Brandi takes the win!
But, but…. it’s also boats….
Brandi feels bad for Sig’s charity and asks if Trump will give them some money. Awww! That’s a genuinely sweet reaction. Of course, when Trump agrees it pretty much guarantees that Sig’s getting fired.
Infinity celebrates in the suite, and I don’t know how nobody has said that Vortex is accurately named be cause they suck. Step up your trash talk game, Infinity!
Trump asks Kate who should be fired and goes through every member of the team until she lands on Sig. Interestingly, everybody is focusing on the Hooters complaints and not the “We hate Geraldo”. Trump asks Geraldo if he’s going to stay friends with his team and he agrees that he’ll continue to “be friendly”, which is a totally different thing and even Kate picks up on it.
Kate says Geraldo’s wife wouldn’t approve of them being friends and everybody laughs and it’s dumb but not in the entertaining way. This episode has been an embarrassment of riches. Stop ruining it, Kate!
In the suite, Infinity talks about the fact that they’ll probably have to send somebody over to Vortex to even the numbers up. It’s not interesting, but it’s more interesting than one million hours of Trump asking who should be fired.
Sig says the women should have objected if they didn’t like the Hooters thing, and Kate says that after they had nixed the Revolutionary War, the refugees, and 9/11, this was the least bad idea. Trump yells at Kate that he likes Sig and then fires him. Then Geraldo promises to give Sig $40,000 for his charity and Sig doesn’t even really thank him. Possibly because he doesn’t like Geraldo as much as Geraldo likes him. He’s totally going to friendzone Geraldo and not take him out to sea at all!
That’s that. I can’t even tell you how much I loved this episode because I loved it the most. It was bonkers in all the fun ways. And…
…it’s also boats.