Previously on Celebrity Apprentice: Trump fired Keshia Knight-Pulliam for not asking Bill Cosby to give her money. The teams sold pies for a chain with a racist name that no longer has a U.S. presence, and Geraldo Rivera reminded us why we hated him in the eighties. Also, Trump thinks he debunked global warming.

The episode opens with Geraldo pontificating. He compares himself to Mount Rushmore and I’m already rolling my eyes. Kate Gosselin and Jamie Anderson return to the suite and Kate immediately complains that Brandi Glanville called her “lazy”. She says that nobody’s ever called her that before, and I’m sure that’s not true. Or maybe having a camera crew raise your kids is a sign of being a real go-getter. I’m not a parent, man. I don’t know how that works. She then interviews the exact same thing that she just said, and Brandi amends “lazy” to mean a lack of hustle. It doesn’t help.

Our first real opening credits of the season! In Gilbert’s intro, he’s standing near a bunch of letters that spell out “LAUGH NOW”, and then he knocks over the “N” to read “LAUGH OW” and smiles cherubically at the calendar. There is no actual joke in any of that, but it cracks me up.

The baby ducklings assemble as Trump tells them “You’re going to be working for a really neat company called… Neat”. And Kate smiles at this almost joke that with such pure joy that I almost like her and then I realize that Trump’s dad joke is making her happy and thus, she’s the real enemy. He introduces Rafi and Evan, and all I can think of is Jason Mantzoukas on The League. Anyway, Neat has apparently solved the problem of paper clutter and is moving on to solve digital clutter. So they basically perform the same service as a box, and now they’re moving on to perform the same function as occasionally clearing your cache. This season really brings out the heavy hitters! They’re going to be making a commercial for Neat, probably for their big Super Bowl ad.

The wingmen on this task will be George and Don Jr., and as Trump talks up George (who doesn’t need it – the man’s a treasure), he repeats his oft-invoked fallacy that the first season of The Apprentice was the number one show on TV. It won its time slot occasionally and I believe the finale was number one for that week, but that’s not what he’s saying. Anyway, Kenya Moore has a “prior commitment” so she won’t be on the task. I assume he means it’s like a dentist appointment or something, because what other commitments is she going to have. Also: Brandi is wearing glasses that look like the ones Taylor Swift wears when she wants people to talk about how cute she looks in glasses. And as much as I have a thing for glasses, this does not make be like Brandy or Taylor. Sometimes I can’t be bought.

None of the omen on Infinity wants to be manager. Kate takes it despite “technology being my weakest… thing”. Man, I’ve seen her on Dancing with the Stars. If she’s worse at technology than she was at that, she must have to buy a new house at least once a week when she burns the old one down by plugging in the toaster. Kevin Jonas takes charge for Vortex, and we’re all set.

The teams head for the task. Each team split into two vans Kevin’s in with Terrell Owens, Lorenzo Lamas, and Ian Ziering. He says the ad he pictures is Gilbert trying to do his taxes and getting frustrated. Ian has a really good Gilbert impression, it turns out. In the other van, the guys complain about not being in the van with Kevin. They take this as an insult, and to some degree it probably is. But also? It’s not a school bus. Vans don’t hold eight people. That doesn’t stop Geraldo, who’s offended at not being part of the creative team. He assures us that he’s nobody to trifle with. Kevin calls to tell them the idea and Geraldo cuts him off to say that the tag line is “Neat… Sweet”. Kevin’s reaction is hilarious – he tries to proceed, but Geraldo keeps repeating the line and then explains what the commercial is going to be. Kevin can’t get a word in edgewise, so he just hangs up.

Sig Hansen isn’t sure if Geraldo’s doing a bit or not. I don’t think even Geraldo knows, but he’s as into “Neat… Sweet” as George Constanza was to “jerk store”.

The woman arrive at their workroom without incident. Kate fundamentally does not understand what the problem is, which seems like it’s going to be a problem. And then an executive shows up and uses the word “Neatologist”, and Leeza Gibbons starts asking questions and pretends that’s a real word that people have heard before. You can see where she’s got some interviewing chops, because she just rolls with that combination of syllables and then has follow-up questions. Most people would hear “Neatologist” and respond with “What?” Or “get out of my store before I call the cops”.

At Vortex, Geraldo gets a call the second the executives show up and he takes the call. Right in front of them. Kevin shoos him away to show at least an inkling of decorum, but it turns into the loudest call in the world. Apparently the person on the other line is both mostly deaf and hilarious because Geraldo is shout-laughing like you wouldn’t believe. Oh, and swearing. He talks over the meeting and keeps circling the table to make sure that he’s as disruptive as possible.

It’s really distracting to me, and I’m just watching it on TV. You can see where this is going to throw Kevin off his game. The Neat guys come off as pretty irritated. We never even get to hear what they have to say, which is partly the result of only giving each task one hour instead of two, and partly it’s just because going to commercial on Kevin looking hilariously angry and twelve years old is pretty good.

Back at Infinity, they start trying to hammer out a script. Shawn Alexander wants something about a woman who’s having trouble running a business, but then the Neatologist appears and fixes everything. Kate doesn’t know how you can show that entirely visual concept in a TV commercial. Does she think he’s making a radio ad? Speaking of, about a year ago I heard a radio ad for a burrito place that used the phrase “Queso at Qdoba be trendin'”, and it bummed me out for weeks. There’s a reason that musicians don’t write songs about how much radio means to them anymore, and it’s because Queso at Qdoba be trendin’.

Leeza interviews “We are so gonna blow it”. Everybody likes Shawn’s idea, but Kate pipes up with “Um”, and then everybody stops to look at her and wait for the follow-up, but there is none. Just “Um”. Leeza then interviews that she’s going to have to take charge and then Brandi interviews that she’s joining Leeza with taking charge. Cut to Kate telling the two of them that they’ll die if they don’t eat lunch. I’m starting to wonder if they originally had two-hour edits of these episodes and they trimmed them for time by cutting every other scene.

Back at Vortex, Kevin tries to get everybody on task. He sends Johnny Damon, Sig, and Terrell out to get props. Ian is supposed to be producer, Lorenzo Lamas is the director, and Geraldo is writing the script because it shuts him up and Kevin can rewrite it later. This is not me channeling my Geraldo-hate – Kevin actually says this. Geraldo is sort of the Gary Busey of this season.

At Infinity, Kate asks Brandi to make decisions for her. Then Kate asks her to explain the premise of the ad for which she is the Project Manager. Brandi then becomes my favorite person on the team by answering “Even having this conversation right now, we’re wasting time.” HA! I feel like she’s going to make Kate sit in the corner and think about what she’s done. And then they argue about lunch again, and man, I assume some killer lunch scenes are on the cutting room floor. Kate says “Your panic level is very panicking”, which sounds like a faulty translation on Babelfish more than it does an actual sentence in English. They argue about who’s panicking, and I honestly don’t think it’s panic. I think she’s just totally exasperated with Kate, which is not an emotion that Kate can identify.

How great would it be if Kate Gosselin went through her life just misinterpreting the emotional state of everybody who didn’t like her? “Aw, you must be very sleepy”.

They start shooting their ad. They have an actress playing the harried businesswoman and then Vivica A. Fox sneaks up on her and it’s actually a little menacing. Leeza’s directing the whole thing, and impressing her teammates. She really seems to have it together, which means we won’t see much of her. Too many hot messes fighting for screen time!

At Vortex, Gilbert does his scene, then Lorenzo wants “less screaming, more frustration”. Gilbert does exactly the same take, and he pronounces it “perfect”. He’s known throughout Hollywood at “Two-Take Gottfried”. Sig says that Mike Rowe of Dirty Jobs is willing to narrate their ad over the phone. That would be a pretty good get – that dude’s voice is all over in commercials. Also, I love Mike Rowe. I don’t care so much for when he uses social media to lecture people for not sharing his political beliefs, but whenever he does that I just remember the Monkey Hospital episode and all is forgiven.

The problem, of course, is that recording him over the phone runs the risk of sounding terrible. That’s not the problem Geraldo sees, though. He thinks it should be him because his voice is “just as recognizable and more effective”. We could argue the merits of voices all day and we’ll all see that Geraldo is wrong and dumb, but that’s beside the point. The point is that, to Geraldo, this is evidence of a conspiracy! This immediately segues into Geraldo being angry that Kevin wants to change the script.

Now, Kevin is overstepping a little here but this is actually a pretty good idea – he gives Geraldo a “five-second rule”. Listen to the conversation for five seconds before you jump in. I like that, but you can tell that Geraldo has now resolved to destroy this young man.

Remember when a skinhead hit Geraldo in the face with a folding chair and broke his nose? Or when he had that live special to open Al Capone’s vault and it turned out to be full of bottles? When we’re talking Geraldo, those were the good times.

Lorenzo tries to talk Geraldo down and asks him to record the voiceover, with the intention being that it’s backup in case Mike doesn’t come through. Also, it keeps him away from everybody else. Dude is being a peacemaker, but he makes the mistake of touching Geraldo. It’s not overbearing – it’s a hand on his back to sort of get him in the right direction. I’m a huge advocate of personal space, but I wouldn’t have been bothered by that. Geraldo? Flips right the hell out. He pulls away and then curses out Lorenzo. It’s not even like people had been touching him all day and he asked them to stop – this is new information to everybody and Lorenzo seems surprised and puzzled. As well he should. Howie Mandel is less weird about physical contact than this. It ends with this weird exchange.

Geraldo: “Don’t give me Hollywood!”

Lorenzo: “What are you talking about, dude?”

Geraldo: “All right, ease off.”

 

There is nothing threatening in Lorenzo’s tone or demeanor at all. It’s really just Geraldo being a dick, and it’s all because Lorenzo tried to keep peace in the team. You can watch him go from feeling sorry to the unpopular guy to hating him just like that. As a bonus, the brief bit we see of Geraldo’s VO recording is hilariously bad. Like, the director on Grand Theft Auto V would have asked for a second take. (BURN on the bestselling video game of all time! )

Terrell, Ian, Lorenzo, and Kevin go to the edit bay. They’re using Mike Rowe’s audio, but to me it sounds like it was recorded over the phone. That might just be because we’re watching somebody watching TV, so the sound has an extra level of distortion behind it for us. They talk about giving up a “beauty shot” because it doesn’t matter. The rest of the team arrives and Geraldo wants said beauty shot. (Which I think is just a shot of the product. Stop calling it that!) Geraldo’s upset that Kevin is dismissive of his suggestion, but he’s been a complete b-hole this whole time. At this point he’s lucky that people don’t do that “blooby blooby bloo bloo” noise over him whenever he talks. Like that scene in Guardians of the Galaxy where Yondu harasses the broker. Geraldo follows up by complaining that they didn’t use his audio and eyes roll.

Back at Infinity, Kenya shows up just as they’re finishing the editing. Leeza acknowledges that she’ll take the blame if they lose, but it also wouldn’t have gotten done if she didn’t put herself our there.

Presentation time! Kate acknowledges that she’s worried and that it’s her job to worry. Frankly, her worry level is worrying. Man, Leeza even handles the presentation. Kate’s as much a project manager as she is, well, anything. Their ad is fine, but it lacks any kind of personality. Their graphics also look a little…. last-generation Photoshop? It’s not great, but pretty good for having one day to put it together.

The Vortex ad has a little more visual flair, but doesn’t showcase the project. There’s not much more to say than that, so I’ll move on to…

…The Boardroom! Right off, Trump asks Geraldo about Kevin. Geraldo is his new favorite – is it the FOX News thing? Geraldo says he was a good project manager but he felt excluded and ATTENTION MUST BE PAID. Kevin handles it pretty well by saying that it’s not like a news broadcast, so he went to the people most versed in scripted TV. It’s smart because it deals with Geraldo while also giving him the little ego puff of pretending he’s ever been within sniffing distance of something resembling “news”.

Trump asks Kevin who did the worst job, and Kevin just says that they worked as a unit despite conflict. He says that if they lose, “that’s not the direction I’ll be going”. Well, he might have just buried himself. “Everybody is great and if we lose I’m certainly not going to blame anybody!” Trump tries to get him to trash talk Gilbert, but Kevin is very nice. He say Gilbert goes into it with a “full heart”. There is no mention of “clear eyes” and whether or not they “can’t lose”. Gilbert calls Trump “Mein Fuehrer” which gets at least one hysterical laugh from somebody off camera. Gotta admit, I’m not super comfortable having that phrase on our site, but it was actually pretty funny and even Trump laughed. He might not know where that comes from, now that I think about it. Geraldo says they definitely won because the woman couldn’t come up with something better.

And now let’s turn to Infinity. Trump asks Kate if they won. She very carefully answers “We met all of the criteria”. That’s awesome. How did you like the movie, Kate? “Silver nitrate correctly adhered to film stock in a way that created images.” She continues, “I want to believe that we won”. You know, like that poster in Fox Mulder’s office. It had a blurry picture of Team Infinity….

She says that if they lose, she’ll bring Brandi back to the Boardroom because she was “a distraction”. Yeah, the way she made a commercial to fulfill the requirements of the task distracted people from their lunch. This leads to a discussion as to whether “people can panic in a positive way”, and I just realized that Geraldo keeps calling Trump “boss” and I’m so mad now.

Per Don, Jr., Neat liked the way that Infinity covered the future of the product, but they didn’t “cover the bases in terms of diversity”, what with just showing two women. Wait, is Neat upset that they didn’t have more dudes in the ad? Are they afraid people will think their scanner has something to do with fallopian tubes if men aren’t shown using it?

Serious question: If I use Neat to manage my data, will my penis fall off? I mean, they don’t show men in their commercial so that’s the only reasonable conclusion

George says that Neat liked the way they used Gilbert. “He portrayed the audience they’re looking for – somebody who’s totally confused and has big problems.” Way to insult Gilbert and the entire target demographic of the commercial! But they didn’t talk about the cloud, and Neat didn’t like that.

Well, Trump says that both teams did a great job, but the win goes to… Infinity!

Back in the suite, the women hold hands in a circle, which I guess is positive but also super-dorky. In the Boardroom, and this is great, Trump asks Kevin what happened. Kevin goes completely literal and responds “They said we underutilized the Neat cloud service.” Hee! He’s not creating a narrative about the loss, he’s responding as if Trump somehow lost his mind and had to be reminded about what happened fifteen seconds ago. Kevin comes from the same planet as Drax.

Kevin points out that Geraldo wrote the script and rejected attempts to update it. Which is true. The women, watching on TV, think it’s crazy to go after Geraldo and it’s hilarious that we’ve already built up Geraldo as this unstoppable force. He’s this show’s Bane all of a sudden. You merely adopted the dark. Geraldo was born in it, molded by it.

Trump mentions that using Gilbert as the spokesperson was a great idea, and various people are quick to point out that Geraldo had nothing to do with that. Geraldo whines about being excluded and says he has “one of the most recognizable voices in America”. That’s not even a little bit true. If you heard his voice in a commercial, would you know it was Geraldo? And even if you did, are there any positive associations there? Wait… maybe Geraldo really is Bane! That would be a recognizable voice!

Kevin, who’s actually quite good at this, says that there/s a difference between being utilized and needing to be right, and Geraldo was only concerned with one of those things. Various people point to Geraldo as the problem, and Trump’s response is to point out that nobody did a bad job and usually he’ll fire the project manager. Wow, he’s setting up the end already, and yet this is going to go on for a while. Kevin picks Ian and Geraldo back to the final Boardroom, and he makes the mistake of saying that he’s bringing Ian to present a “unified front”. Which makes it look like he needs somebody to help fight his battles. Wannabe alpha males like the Trumps are going to pounce on that.

Of course, and I think Kevin is too nice to say it, there’s also the fact that Ian had maybe the most creative input of anybody. Thus, if they didn’t like the commercial, the person who contributed the most could reasonably be blamed. It’s not a great way to live, but it might work.

Final Boardroom! Kevin puts the blame on the script immediately and points to Geraldo as a disruptive influence. Trump wonders why Kevin didn’t bring Lorenzo back since he had “a good chance of being fired”, and we haven’t heard word one about that. Ian joins the chorus, saying that Geraldo’s presence hurt the team. The thing is, everything they say about Geraldo being a pushy bully just makes Trump like him more. They talk about his stupid “Neat… Sweet” line, and Geraldo says that was just an initial attempt, leaving out how he wouldn’t shut up about it for several minutes. If this had been a two-hour episode, we’d have at least twenty-five minutes of Geraldo repeating that line to various people.

Geraldo says that if they’d made the commercial the way he wanted, it would have been better. Also, he totally wrote the whole thing all by himself. Nobody disputes these contradictory points. Trump tries to turn Ian against Kevin but Ian sticks to his guns that Geraldo was the problem. Then Trump actually tells him that he should say Kevin. Ian, bless him, begins “I’d have to fabricate something…” But Trump isn’t having it He actually blames Kevin “for trying to outthink me”, and I don’t know what his is even referencing.

Amazingly, Trump assures us that “nobody outthinks me. Nobody!” That chicken who picks Stanley Cup winners could outthink Trump in a fair contest. Trump tells Ian to get mad, and he’s like “Why?” Trump asks Kevin if Ian should stay, and Kevin says yes. Kevin… you’re fired.

Wait, what? The only way that makes sense is if firing Geraldo isn’t even a possibility. In Trump’s head, it had to have been between Ian and Kevin from the very beginning. Man, Geraldo’s going to just skate through this whole thing, isn’t he? And when it is done, and Celebrity Apprentice is in ashes, then we will have his permission to die.

Well, that’s that. Kevin plugs the Today Show and I just had a thought. They shot this almost a year ago. If they went into that planning to do a live finale like they always do, does this mean there’s still no winner? Will they even remember the season when they reunite for the finale? How many new facelifts will there be? Who will have suffered a horrifying accident and been rebuilt as a cyborg? WHO?

And now… the second hour.

Lorenzo is happy to see Ian come back. Geraldo, less so. Vivica tells Geraldo that Kevin screwed up by not using his famous voice. Seriously, could any of you recognize Geraldo’s voice? The guy’s not Jon Benjamin. But Geraldo uses this to as an excuse to bloviate some more. Ian says that when he’s the manager, he’s going to hold Geraldo’s feet to the fire. But he makes the mistake of pointing when he says it, and Geraldo lectures that he doesn’t like people pointing at him. All I can think of is Nelson from The Simpsons running in to point and give him a derisive “Ha Ha!”

Seriously, Geraldo could not be any douchier, right? Oh, wait. Now he’s referring to himself in the third person. That’ll do it.

The baby ducklings assemble again, and Trump “jokes” about how badly he wanted to fire Geraldo. He knows that was an option, right? Anyway, today they’re working with Luvo Apparently they’ve “revolutionized the food industry”. If you’re keeping score at home, Trump thinks you stress the second syllable of ‘industry’. He says it like it was going to be ‘industrious’ buy he got tired before the end.

Holy smokes, one of the executives is named “Steve Sitwell”, which opens the door for some Arrested Development references. Steve explains that Luvo creates meals that “taste amazing, are wholesome, convenient, and accessible”. I honestly don’t know if they’re a restaurant or they sell prepackaged dinners or maybe they write cookbooks. I’m certainly not going to trust a man who can’t even grow his own hair.

They’re going to run a “Luvo Bistro” to present the products and prepare a presentation along with a tasting menu. Still can’t tell what Luvo is. Then Trump kicks it over to Dragon from The Eiger Sanction… Oh, wait. That’s Eric Trump. Hi, Eric!

Eric explains that they’ll make a presentation to Luvo and also employees of Delta airlines. Ivanka explains the criteria, which are pretty much the same as always. Vivica immediately volunteers to be Infinity’s project manager. And with some prodding, Terrell takes it for Vortex. Trump seems astonished, for some reason.

They head to their work areas, and thanks to some product shots, I now know that Luvo makes packaged food. Leeza explains the task, even though there hasn’t even been a commercial since we last heard about it. Everybody at Infinity talks at the same time. Vivica means to say “Chatty Cathy” in reference to this, but she says “Scatty Cathy”, which was much, much less popular doll. Leeza wants the meal to indicate change, and suddenly they end up with the slogan “Love Yourself, One Bite at a Time”. Ewww.

Kenya would like to be portrayed as a beauty queen in the presentation. And probably in all other areas of her live. Vivica’s going to play a man. This is a very complicated task – they’re serving a meal and putting on a play. It’s like they’re hosing a murder mystery dinner where the victim is quality and the murderer is everybody.

Over at Infinity, Ian knows a weird amount about Steve Sitwell. Did he bone up on random executives in the hopes it would come in handy. Geraldo asks if they taught him that at Chippendales, because apparently Ian does those shows in Vegas sometimes. Geraldo also has to crap on people when they know things. One again, he’s steamrolling everybody and alienating his team. They just let him talk until he tires himself out. Gilbert makes a masturbation joke

There’s a weird little aside about how Vivica’s phone isn’t working. It doesn’t matter to the task, but just in case you tried to call her like a year ago and you couldn’t get through, now you know why. Shawn says they’re going to have to just tell her what to do because it’s her time of the month. So there you go. I feel like that’s something you just learn to play through without announcing to everybody, but I don’t know what with being a dude and all Also, Shawn’s a gymnast so this is probably her first one. Does she need somebody to take her to Aisle 8A? Vivica doesn’t appreciate Shawn using her monthlies as a reason to just check out.

Vortex heads to their test kitchen to play around. Geraldo wants something with a little “Latin flavor” and his Spanish accent is hilariously bad. I’d compare him to Peggy Hill, but two King of the Hill references in two paragraphs is a little much. They joke around about Gilbert’s part of the presentation, which is foreshadowing.

Kate and Shawn head out to buy props, and Kate assures us “Got my phone in my butt”. And it’s a long time before she says “pocket”. Look, Kate. Where you put your phone is your business, but you’re going to want to put it in a bag of rice afterwards. Shortly, Vivica calls the prop team to eliminate one of their stops so they can get back sooner. But these two have decided to be “meticulous”. At one point, Kate asks Shawn’s opinion and Shawn stares blankly for a long time. Hee!

Rachel the Graphic Artist arrives, and I think we’ve seen her in past seasons. Ian thinks “steamazing” is a great buzzword and is wrong. Gilbert can’t prepare his pitch ahead of time – he says he doesn’t work that way. Which I get, but also this is a pretty structured environment. You can’t go pulling an Aflac on these people.

Back at Infinity, it’s getting near the end of the day and Shawn and Kate still haven’t finished their run. There’s a weird exchange where either Vivica doesn’t know what time it is or Kate doesn’t know how long an hour is.

It’s the end of the day, and Vortex wants to run through their presentation. Gilbert doesn’t have anything ready, and the guy are really pushing him to talk about his kids. But he doesn’t want to, since his kids have never tried Luvo. That’s an astonishingly principled stance. Also, Gilbert Gottfried has kids? Can you even imagine? He says he’s going to say what pops into his head, but acknowledges that’s gotten him in trouble before. Remember back in like ’91, when he did a riff on a live awards show about Pee-Wee Herman’s masturbation arrest and they had to cut it from the West Coast feed?

Kate and Shawn finally come back to Infinity, and Shawn’s exhausted. Everybody brings in the props and it looks like they actually have to set up all the tables for the customers – they’ve got a lot of place settings there. They’re not going to have time to rehearse at all, which seems like a misstep.

Presentation day! Vortex goes first and Terrell Owens sounds nat-u-ral on cam-e-ra. Basically, each member does a little presentation about each course and then brings out tiny portions. It’s really stilted and Geraldo with his Latin flavor manages to mispronounce “verde”. The absolute funniest thing is when Terrell begins an introduction with “You may remember this guy from Beverly Hills, 90210” and Eric Trump looks surprised and delighted. Even if he’s a superfan, he already knows who’s on the team, so it’s the weirdest reaction. He actually says “steamazing” as threatened. And somehow, I have not once heard “mouthfeel”. Then, it’s Gilbert’s turn.

He starts talking about his kids and how they’re a miracle because it means a woman had sex with him. It’s a pretty mild joke but it does not go over well. I don’t think they would have laughed at anything. But, man. He didn’t read the room. Honestly, if they presented this episode on This American Life, it would barely warrant a “This segment acknowledges the existence of sex” warning.  But that doesn’t mean it’s too much for Luvo!

Now it’s time for Vortex, and they think Vivica wearing a mustache is way funnier than it is. The audience agrees, so that’s one for them. Is it just me or did Jamie end up with a low charisma roll? There’s a bit of a hangup when the next course isn’t ready at one point so Vivica goes back out there for some improv. It seems to consist mostly of telling people that she’s Coach Fox. Right up there with Marissa Wompler and Don Dimello as an improv character, she is.

Jamie laughs about wanting to punch Kenya and accuses her of not being “heartful”. Their presentation wraps up and we see very little of it.

Boardroom time! Trump asks Terrell if they won. He says they did. Trump asks if Gilbert was good, and Terrell actually chokes. Hee! Trump asks Vivica if she’d like to have Geraldo in place of one of her players, and she says Shawn. (This wasn’t an offer, you understand.) She says Shawn doesn’t want to be here because she checked out on this task. Vivica says it was because of a monthly problem.

See, I do think it’s bratty of Shawn to use that as an excuse. It’s a very twenties thing to do. But it’s not cool of Vivica to announce that to the room. Hilarious (to me, at least) but not at all appropriate.

Trump asks Shawn what happened, then realizes what he just said, and it’s actually pretty funny. Vivica says she didn’t get any energy from Shawn, and Kenya agrees. But also, women rule the world. I hate when people say that just as much as I hate when people say that about men. How about if we all just stop being buttholes and fix this mess before taking credit, OK? Anyway, there’s another period joke which Shawn does not find funny at all

Wouldn’t it be amazing if we found out that Shawn actually has an aunt named Flo?

Jamie says that Kenya is the rudest person that she’s ever met. They snipe at one another for a bit, and Trump doesn’t care so it’s time for the results. Eric says Luvo liked their messaging and though Leeza especially was great. She keeps getting complimented, and we don’t see much of her. They thought, however, that the execution was crummy and lacked product detail.

Per Ivanka, Luvo thought Vortex’s service was great and they did a good job of tying it to their personalities. There’s a clearly ADR’d bit about Ivanka saying that they made claims the Luvo couldn’t substantiate, and this was clearly added long after the fact. This isn’t even replacing bad audio or unclear phrasing – these words were not spoken in any form at the time. Also, Ivanka is recording from the other end of a tunnel. They also didn’t like that Gilbert said the word “sex”. And thus, Infinity wins for serving cold food.

Back in the suite, Shawn calls out Vivica for bringing up the monthly visitor thing, and she’s kind of right but maybe that’s a private conversation rather than something involving the whole team.

Back in the Boardroom, Terrell agrees that Gilbert went too far, but he loves the guy. Gilbert makes the point that “nobody has ever died from an off-color joke”, which is true but not relevant. Nobody’s ever died from taking a dump on the floor either, but you don’t want to do it in a business meeting. Gilbert says that getting a laugh is more important than the product itself, which is a valid point of view. One that you maybe don’t want to bring up at this point, or course…

Gilbert can’t even remember the slogan because they “all sound alike to me”. I don’t remember the slogan and I’m in my millionth hour of recapping. Ivanka thinks that maybe a bad slogan is worse than an off-color joke. Trump asks Sig who he should fire, and Sig is surprised to find out that he’s on the show. He and Johnny Damon are doing a great job of staying off-camera and not contributing anything at any point. Terrell brings Geraldo and Gilbert to the final Boardroom. As they wait, Geraldo tells the guys that it’s easier when you win the task. I hope somebody fact-checked that bold statement.

Trump opens by telling Terrell how great he is, because even though this years his man-crush is on Geraldo, he still loves those athletes. Terrell turns it back to Gilbert because he knows Geraldo is somehow exempt from being fired. Geraldo says he’s been “a survivor 12 times in Afghanistan, 12 times in Iraq” and I’m not sure what he’s counting there. Did he go to those places 12 times each and wants credit for not dying? I’m genuinely puzzled, but I also don’t want any more information about Geraldo in my head.

Man, these Boardroom segments are really short in the one-hour episodes. Trump asks Gilbert if he wants to go home, and Gilbert casually says “I don’t know”. Hee! He gives this show exactly the weight he deserves. Trump says that Gilbert “made a lot of money being inappropriate”, which is how you know that something is good. Also, I’d be willing to bet that he made more money from Aladdin royalty checks than from being inappropriate. Trump says that people are going to like Gilbert more because he was on this show, and he’s fired.

That’s a bummer because he’s actually funny, but it’s not like he was ever going to win or even volunteer as Project Manager. He plugs his Today exit interview, which will be almost a year after he actually exited.

Guys? I’ve recapped four hours of this show in the last week. I’m just going to wrap this up without ado and see you later this week for more.

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2 Responses to Celebrity Apprentice Season 7, Episodes 2 and 3 – “Your Panic Level is Panicking”

  1. Myndi says:

    Amazing recap, as usual. I felt awful for Shawn. I could understand Vivica feeling like her bringing it up as a reason to check out a bit was a cop out, but I’m sure she felt like she could commiserate a bit and could never have imagined Vivica would bring it up in the damn boardroom. That is just classless.

  2. Colleen says:

    Glad you mentioned your astonishment of Gilbert’s kids. What the hell? He does not seem like one for whom breeding should have happened.

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