Previously on Dancing with the Stars: Mary Wilson was eliminated despite not being anywhere near the worst dancer out there, which was kind of a bummer. James Van Der Beek wore an amazing velvet tux to the Emmys. And it’s kind of hard to keep track of all the contestants since these are early days and there are so many of them.

Hey, Tom Bergeron! I’m pretty tired today – can you just hit me with a free one? It’s LIIIIIIIIVVVVVE!!!!!!! And it’s Movie Night! I am going to lose my mind if Kel’s dance is a tribute to 1999’s Mystery Men.

Oh, hey! Ray Lewis had to withdraw from the competition because he aggravated an old injury. I don’t think we had this information before just now. It’s a bummer because he was partnered with Cheryl and she’s great, but it’s at least a little bit uncomfortable having a guy who was implicated in a murder doing a mambo. I bet this means there’s no elimination tonight. Calling it right now.

Let’s get started!

Lauren Alaina and Gleb Savchenko (20/30) – Their dance is inspired by Pretty Woman and they are very careful to refer to the titular character as “a fish out of water” and not “a prostitute”. Family hour and all. They’re doing a Tango to the Roy Orbison song and it is not a Tango song. I mean, it maybe technically is based on the time signature or something, but it’s not a good backing track for a Tango. The dance is actually pretty good but I feel like the song is draining all the drama out of it and I never get totally into the performance.

Len starts with a joke that the audience gets mad about before he can finish, but he thinks it was an excellent tango with some arm issues. Bruno rolls his Rs at her to an alarming degree. I mean, an alarrrrrrming degrrrrrree. Then he tells her to work on her transitions. And Carrie Ann loves her confidence but not her musicality. It’s a 20.

Hannah Brown and Alan Bersten (21/30) – They’re doing a song from Bridesmaids, and I don’t really remember iconic musical moments from that movie. But I always like to point out that Tim Heidecker plays the groom and I don’t think he has any lines. My friend Sam made the joke that they had Eric Wareheim just off camera at all times so Tim could look at him for his reaction shots, like when they wave a toy at a baby. Hannah’s friend who is getting married and her actual bridesmaids come to rehearsal before they have an actual bachelorette party and they leave out the part where they go to a comedy club and get mad whenever a comedian doesn’t indulge them. Anyway, it’s a Rumba and it looks a little stiff to me, but she gets that surprise benefit of weird camera angles so it’s really hard to tell. My guess is more than half of the dance is either shot from the waist up or from a camera in the rafters.

Bruno liked it and calls her “lyrical”, but she didn’t use the floor enough. Was she not using it for her feet? Man, I wish we could have had a better angle. Carrie Ann likes her upper half, which is not a line I would recommend using. Len thinks she needs more hip action and he makes a weird noise. That all translates to a 21.

Karamo and Jenna Johnson (16/30) – They’re doing that iconic movie from three months ago, Rocketman. But that’s really just an excuse to do an Elton John song. And unfortunately, it’s going to be a Jive. Oh, also Karamo knows the guy who played Elton. I’m not a good judge of Jives because I don’t like them. I don’t like the structure and the arm movements really bug me. The audience seems to be enjoying it and there’s a lot of choreography and they’re having fun. But man, it’s still a Jive.

Carrie Ann says there were a lot of mistakes but he made them feel joy. Len likes that they got right into the dance and just wants Karamo to be happy. But also he missed a lot of steps. Bruno says he’ll be better than ever if he comes back next week. Ouch. It’s a 16.

Ally Brooke and Sasha Farber (24/30) – This week, they’re doing a Rumba to a song from Selena, which is also a Selena song. She brings Sasha home to meet her family, and I typed that as “feed her family” twice and I almost just let it stay. It’s a good dance – I think it’s a marked improvement over the last two weeks, even if it’s not especially memorable.

Len really enjoyed the performance and cites a specific step that I don’t want to try to spell. Bruno is also impressed with her progress. Carrie Ann loved her technique and calls it amazing. It’s a 24, which is darn good. Nice job!

Tom talks to BB-8 before the commercial, and I wish I could pretend I wasn’t geeked about that.

Then we get a piece about Ray’s torn tendons and for a change an injury is not sustained in a horrifying bit of video. He just holds his foot in a weird way and yells. There’s nothing gruesome to see but he tore three tendons. Holy smokes.

James Van Der Beek and Emma Slater (23/30) – My sister is very excited about the Beek on this show. And she’s right to be. He wants to perform that song from A Star Is Born as a tribute to his wife and they are super cute together. (Her: “Who else would you dedicate it to?” Hee!) It’s a Rumba and I think it’s the big song from that movie, but I didn’t see it. It’s a really beautiful dance. I don’t really have anything funny or insightful to say about it – I just thought it was very good and I enjoyed watching it.

Bruno loved it. Carrie Ann calls his movements “poetry”. Len says his legs were a little wide and thought it was too passionate. He doesn’t say anything good, which seems weird. But the comments were very abbreviated, so maybe time is an issue. They get a sweet-ass 23.

Kate Flannery and Pasha Pashkov (24/30) – They’re doing a Quickstep to “9 to 5” from the movie of the same name. I really wish that she’s been in Meredith gear, but they’re going for eighties secretary, I think. It starts out kind of rough with very little quick in the step, but it gets better when the dance really kicks in. Her footwork is surprisingly good and it’s fun to watch.

Carrie Ann is positively gleeful. Len liked the choreography and character. Bruno says it’s a big hit. Also, Tom compares Alan’s fake mustache to Tom Selleck, but it looks more like Thomas Lennon. It’s a 24!

Lamar Odom and Peta Murgatroyd (12/30) – Lamar still suffers from memory issues and that was a problem last week. Man, he’s dealing with a lot, both in life and on this show. They’re going to do a Cha Cha to “Old Time Rock and Roll”, which is the Risky Business song. Or, as I think of it, the big number from Michael Bolton’s Big Sexy Valentine Special. Go check that out on Netflix – it’s hysterical. It’s a very silly dance and it’s not especially complicated, but it’s fun to watch. I don’t think the judges will like it, but it made me smile.

Len thought he had the basic steps down but the wheels fell off. Bruno agrees that it started well but didn’t hold up. Carrie Ann liked his confidence and said he missed a step but he was mostly on beat. It’s a 12.

Sailor Brinkley-Cook and Val Chmerkovskiy (23/30) – They’re doing a song from Mamma Mia! and when the sequel came out, there was a line in the commercial where Amanda Seyfried says “I’m pregnant in the same place my mom was” and I always added “in my tummy” to that line. Don’t you wish we could watch TV together? Christie Brinkley keeps coming to rehearsals, and that just feels like a little much. It’s like being Facebook friends with your parents. Anyway, it’s a Tango and it’s another song that doesn’t quite work. It’s a little too tinkly. Also, they spend too much time frittering around with backup dancers. It’s actually pretty good as a spectacle, but it’s not a great showcase for her performance.

Bruno sings to her and appreciates that she’s been listening to their advice. Carrie Ann was impressed and says she could feel every step. Len loved the energy and the clever moments. They get a 23.

Kel Mitchell and Witney Carson (20/30) – They’re doing Titanic and not Mystery Men. There’s no accounting for taste. It’s a Rumba to “My Heart Will Go On”, which is a song I never wanted to hear again but I probably haven’t heard it a decade, so let’s give it another shot. The fog machine is working overtime and obscures their feet for much of the dance, which is kind of a foul. But it’s actually a lovely dance that I enjoyed quite a bit. Am I turning into a Rumba guy?

Carrie Ann says he’s working hard and his energy is good but he’s a little tight. His energy is tight. The more she explains it, the less I understand what she means. Len wants more shaping in his hands and complains about the fog. But it was a good performance. Bruno things he needs to tone down his intensity. They’re nitpicky in the way that suggest they think he’s going to be around for a while. They get a solid 20.

Sean Spicer and Lindsay Arnold (15/30)

And now it’s time for the results as they desperately try not to have another Bobby Bones scenario. Who’s safe? Ally and Sasha! Sean and Lindsay! Dammit! Hannah and Alan! Lauren and Gleb! Kate and Pasha! James and Emma! Sailor and Val! And… Karamo and Jenna!

That means Kel/Witney and Lamar/Peta are in the bottom two. But there’s a surprise that I predicted two hours ago – Nobody is eliminated!

OK, that was mostly fun. And Myndi will be here next week for a theme that I don’t think they announced yet. Maybe it’s Podcast Week! Or Cryptozoology Week!

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