Previously on Dancing with the Stars: Oh, it was the first night. Everybody danced and I realized just how much I’ve been missing this show. And now, everybody’s going to dance again and somebody’s going to go home. Let’s go!

The opening number is the theme from The Greatest Showman, and while I recognize certain failings of the movie (like portraying P.T. Barnum as a good man who had the best interests of his employees in mind), I unironically love it.

Tom Bergeron and Erin Andrews explain that only the six couples who are in jeopardy will dance tonight, and suddenly I don’t know how they’re going to fill two hours. Get ready for some filler, guys!

They start off with recapping four of last night’s pairs before they find out their fate. I’m not re-recapping something Myndi already recapped, so just check out what she wrote yesterday.

By the way, I have already mistakenly called DeMarcus Ware “DeMarcus Tillman” several times already because I just watched Season Two of American Vandal. I can’t promise that it won’t happen again.

Anyway, DeMarcus and Lindsay are safe. So are Tinashe and Brandon. Nancy McKeon and Val are in jeopardy. Joe Amabile and Jenna are somehow safe because nothing makes sense anymore.

Next, we get a performance from the kid pros of Dancing with the Stars: Juniors. I guess they’re very talented, but I don’t like watching kids perform. I’m childless because I don’t want to go to recitals, ABC!

More recaps in the service of results! The audience thinks Nikki Glaser said “rough sex” and not “rough sets”, which is pretty funny. Bobby Bones is dressed the way Matt Murdock dressed in court when he gave up his secret identity and wanted everybody to know he was Daredevil. Anyway, Juan Pablo Di Pace and Cheryl are safe. Nikki and Gleb are in jeopardy, and that’s what’s wrong with America. John Schneider and Emma are also in jeopardy. Bobby and Sharna are safe. Alexis Ren and Alan are in jeopardy.

And now, it’s time for the final round of results. Danelle Umstead’s guide dog is super cute. Milo Manheim and Witney are safe. Danelle and Artem are in jeopardy, which is a real surprise. Evanna Lynch and Keo are safe, which means Mary Lou Retton and Sasha are in jeopardy. Some surprising results there!

The judges get to pick a dance to see again, and they want to have DeMarcus and Lindsay dance for their pleasure. It is a good Week One dance for sure. Then there’s another promo for Juniors, and one of the stars played young Gamora in Infinity War. That’s pretty cool. Tom actually asks her for spoilees but doesn’t get anywhere. Guys? My theory is that Gamora is inside the Soul Stone. They never explained what that one did, just that it wasn’t like the others. Thanos had to sacrifice her to get it, and I think as a result, the titular soul is hers. Also, I think Ant-Man is going to appear in the post-credits scene of Captain Marvel to help her hide in the Quantum Realm so she survives Thanos and can come back to lead the resistance. What show am I recapping again?

Oh, we have a surprise save! John and Emma are safe, so they don’t have to dance this round. I don’t know what that’s based on, but they’re sure happy about it.

Time for some scored dancing!

Mary Lou Retton and Sasha Farber (21/30) – They’re doing a Cha-Cha again, but to a different song with different chorography. They do a nice job showcasing her at the beginning, but it’s more gymnastics than dance. They get out of sync when they’re out of hold, but it’s still a perfectly serviceable early dance. It was fun! Len says it was well done. Bruno says she delivered under pressure. It’s a 21.

Danelle Umstead and Artem Chigvintsev (18/30) – It’s Foxtrot, and it looks like everybody will be doing the same style they did last night, but a different dance. That’s a good way to handle this. It’s a good dance – the Foxtrot is pretty straightfoward but it’s well-executed and when you consider that she can’t see, it’s such an achievement. Bruno points out a problem with the footwork but says her shoulders were better. Carrie Ann says she really impressed her. Len calls her an inspiration. She gets an 18.

Nikki Glaser and Gleb Savchenko (18/30) – They’re back with a Salsa, and if you didn’t read our Snap Judgments, I like Nikki a lot and I’m rooting for her. There’s a definite improvement here with some moments of hip action and it feels more like she’s dancing with her whole body, like the judges wanted. Carrie Ann says she seemed much more comfortable tonight, but her arms are a little soft. Hey, she’s getting actual critiques! Len said tonight she controlled the dance. Bruno has hip pointers. It’s an 18! Go Nikki!

Alexis Ren and Alan Bersten (23/30) – They’re doing a Jive, the worst of all the dances. Alexis insists this one is going to be sexy, but you can’t do a sexy Jive. Alison Brie couldn’t do a sexy Jive. Well, maybe. Let’s table that for now. It’s, I man, it’s definitely a Jive. It’s fine. I’m never going to be all “Man, that was a great Jive!” Len threatens to show his bum in the supermarket if they’re eliminated. Bruno talks about how great she is. Carrie Ann is impressed. She gets a 23.

Nancy McKeon and Val Chermovskiy (21/30) – It’s a Quickstep to “Walking on Sunshine”, which always makes me think of Futurama. I’m not wowed by it. It seems like there’s a bit of a lag and there are some really weird extensions. It’s not bad, but I didn’t get much out of it. Bruno is really excited about it, though. Carrie Ann loves watching her grow. Len is glad to see they were more together this time. They get a 21.

While they tally votes, a child sings.

Somehow, they burned through two hours and now they’re going to be rushed at the end. I don’t think I’m going to like how this turns out. Danelle and Artem are safe. Alexis and Alan are also safe. Mary Lou and Sasha are safe. So it’s Nancy and Nikki. It’s like they’re trying to tear Myndi and I apart. The first couple eliminated is…. Nikki and Gleb. No!

Well, now I’m angry. Nikki is sweet in her farewells and I feel like America let me down. Again.

We’ll be back next week with the next round and now my votes are up for grabs!

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