Previously on Dancing with the Stars: Sean Spicer was still not eliminated because the world is on fire and it’s bleeding over into even the lightest of entertainment.

It’s Disney Night! And yes, Disney owns ABC and today was the day they announced the content that would be available on Disney+ on day one, and this is as cynical as anything, but let’s all just have fun. The corporate masters are pushing the synergy but the people actually making this show are just trying to do some fun stuff.

We start with a big pre-taped dance number to a montage of Disney songs complete with a bunch of the characters getting into it. It’s pretty fun, really. And from there, we get right into it. Let’s start the dancing!

Sailor Brinkley-Cook and Val Chmerkovskiy (24/30) – They’re doing a Cinderella-themed Viennese Waltz and that’s a good choice since they actually do that dance in the movie. And fine, I don’t like that they’re really loading up on clips from the represented movies with a chyron promoting the streaming service, but that’s also a hunk of time I don’t have to recap, so I’m fine. Also, I forgot that “A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes” is a Cinderella song. It’s not a song I especially like, but it’s a nice dance. They manage to have other couples on stage to help convey the idea of a fancy ball, but Sailor and Val stand out the whole time. There’s a lot of content and it flows nicely – I really liked it.\

Len wishes they’d been in hold more but says they’ll definitely be back next week. Bruno compares her at length to a Disney princess and then compliments her improved spins. Carrie Ann says she loved her acting. It’s a 24!

Karamo and Jenna Johnson (21/30) – They’re doing a Samba to “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King” which is maybe not the Lion King song I would have picked and I don’t like that they only show clips from the CG version. We meet Karamo’s son, who he didn’t know existed for a long time, and they seem to be having fun. It’s not a bad dance but it’s not really doing anything for me – I think the music is an awkward fit and it’s a little too lyric forward, so it’s very distracting. It’s good but it just never really engaged me.

Bruno says Karamo attacked it like a leader but the Samba was lacking. Carrie Ann mostly agrees with him and wishes they could use one another’s energy more. She mentions chi, which I assume was a reference to the Marvel Studios television show Iron Fist. Len thinks he was too stompy and had issues with his promenades. He gets a 21.

Kate Flannery and Pasha Pashkov (24/30) – Their dance is “A Spoonful of Sugar” but unfortunately, it’s Jazz and that’s one of the dance styles I just can’t get into. But Kate is excited about the style and the movie, and I’ve really enjoyed how much fun she’s been having. She actually descends with her umbrella and you can see the wires holding her as she comes down but once she’s on the ground the camera angle changes and there’s no sign of them and I don’t know how they did that. Despite my issues with Jazz, it’s such a silly dance that it’s really fun to watch. They lose sync a little but mostly they are in step. It’s pretty impressive. Good job, Kate!

Carrie Ann loved it and then she falls out of her chair. Tom has to deal with an errant prop and she stands up to watch and then sits down but totally misses the chair. She goes down hard but she’s still laughing when she gets up. Len liked the variety of styles represented in their dance. Bruno loved the amount of content and personality. She gets a 24.

Sean Spicer and Lindsay Arnold (19/30) – Aw, no! They’re doing “You’ve Got a Friend in Me”. You know, the Randy Newman song from Toy Story? I love Randy Newman. I love Toy Story. Why must Sean destroy so many things I love. Is he going to wear a Batman shirt while he dances just to ruin everything? Turns out he’s actually dressed like Woody and I can not even deal with this. It is the slowest Quickstep you’ve ever seen. I might be able to sue for false advertising. I am maybe being too critical because of my existing issues with this guy, but every time he does anything with his arms, it looks like he’s new to having appendages. I did not care for this.

Len compliments his heel leads and give him some tepid praise. Bruno calls it “better” and appreciates that Lindsay worked so hard. Carrie Ann calls it his best dance and I just want this to be over. He gets a 19.

Ally Brooke and Sasha Farber (27/30) – They’re doing the title song from Beauty and the Beast in Contemporary style. I feel like this would be better served by a classic style given the costuming and, you know, the movie. It’s fun to watch, but I’m still not clear on what Contemporary is supposed to be. It’s too ill-defined in my mind.

Bruno calls their performance “absolute happiness”. Carrie Ann says she can tell Ally hasn’t had training but means that as a compliment. Len compliments all the emotion and calls it a “cracking routine”. They get a 27, which means the first 9s of the season!

Lauren Alaina and Gleb Sevchenko (23/30) – They’re doing “Under the Sea”, which just reminds me that my current favorite pro, Sharna Burgess, played Ariel last season. Or maybe the season before. My point is that I miss Sharna. I also still miss Anna Trebunksaya more than you will ever know. Anyway, their dance is a Samba and the music actually works very well here. Some weird camera work means there are sections where our view of Lauren is blocked by the backup dancers. It’s mostly pretty good but it feels like there are bits where she just stops dancing and waits to find the music again. I’m making it sound worse than it is but there are at least two places where it looks like she stalled and skipped some steps and you can see it on her face every time. After the dance, she admits she’s worried that the camera got an upskirt shot and maybe avoiding that was the reason for some of those weird angles.

Carrie Ann says the Samba is a really difficult dance but she did well despite some weird arms. Len was glad there was a lot of Samba amidst the fripperies. Tom busts his chops for using that word, and when I was in 11th grade, I wrote a letter to a girl I liked and it did include a use of “fripperies” and it’s not surprising I find myself here. Bruno said she went a bit weird but it was a nice Samba. It’s a 23.

Kel Mitchell & Witney Carson (26/30) – They’re doing a Jazz dance to a song from High School Musical. I’ve made it this far without knowing anything about High School Musical and I’m not going to start now. It’s kind of a fun dance that’s going to irritate Len with all the backup dances and cheer moves, but it doesn’t approach anything resembling ballroom and I feel like I’m just watching choreography for what I assume is a movie aimed at pre-teens.

Len says the dance really suited him and gives him a well-done. Bruno wants him to keep this level in his future dances. Carrie Ann talks very fast and ends with “Way to go”. It’s a 26!

Hannah Brown and Alan Bersten (25/30) – They’re doing “A Whole New World” from Aladdin and once again pretending the recent release is the only version. They spend far too much time sitting down before the dance actually starts, but then they go into a Foxtrot and it’s nice to see a dance that I get. I think the fog machine is cheating because it obscures their feet but it’s very good and one of the few dances tonight that really approaches elegance.

Bruno complains about the fog but liked the dance. Carrie Ann calls it “stunning”. Len calls her a lovely dancer and chastises Alan for not spending enough time in hold. They get a 25.

James Van Der Beek and Emma Slater (26/30) – They’re doing a Pirates of the Caribbean dance and I’ve never seen any of those movies because I was an early adopter in the Not Liking Johnny Depp movement. I was tired of him before it was cool. Also, that means another season where they’re not doing the Cantina Band song from Star Wars and it’s another season where I can’t talk about how the musical style the band plays is, according to George Lucas, “jizz”. One of these years… Anyway, they’re doing paso doble so I’m very excited about this. Anyway, it’s a very elaborate set and the music is suitably dramatic. The first half is good but nothing outstanding and then James starts jumping very high and doing cool poses and then they break hold and it’s absolutely wild and I’m going to dock them for not having cape work but it is really cool.

They’re super tight on time so everybody has to be quick. Carrie Ann says this was his dance. Len seems irritated when he says he liked the aggression and then complains about James’ hand. He even snaps at Tom, which virtually never happens. Bruno says it was a big hit for him. It’s a 26!

They don’t have much time for the results. Just tell us that Sean is going home and skip the pageantry! If you dawdle, The Good Doctor is going to end up having to read the results!

Time to get to it. Well, no, there’s a video package where the stars talk about what this show has meant to them. There is not time for this, but presumably they need some time to tabulate. But still, it’s 9:58 and Lodge 49 is coming up imminently!

Turns out…. everybody is safe! Nobody goes home on Disney Night! Deep down, I knew that they do this every season but it’s still frustrating. We demand a sacrifice!

There is literally no time for them to tell us the theme of next week, so Myndi will be here for…. something!

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