Previously on Dancing with the Stars: Sailor Brinkley-Cook who was really quite good was eliminated while the potato that walks like a man remained in the competition. There was also some really good dancing, but I just can’t let go.

It’s the annual Halloween episode which means just for this one week it’s UNDEEEEEEEADDDD! Thanks Tom Boo-geron! I will not keep this up. Please don’t turn on me.

The show opens with an homage to both The Shining and David S. Pumpkins and probably some other Halloween things. I don’t know much horror but I did watch the original Halloween this weekend and I would like to talk about that at some point.

Oh, we also get the team dances this week! That’s always fun!

Kel Mitchell and Witney Carson (27/30) – They’re going to do a Jive to the Time Warp from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, which is sort of a perfect storm of things I’m not into. Also, I feel like we’ve seen that song in past seasons. Have they run out of songs? Did this show lap itself? There are some really rad backup dancers and the actual dance is fine. Kel jumps over Witney’s head and I am always amazed when a human can jump over another human. But it’s a Jive and it feels disorganized and they do the arm thing that I hate in Jives. You should not listen to me because I have Jive issues.

Len says it was fast and fun and was concerned about his feet but they turned out OK. Bruno says they reimagined the song. Carrie Ann is drunk already and says it was off the hook and also that she’s horny. She’s wearing Maleficent horns, but still. She also has pointy ears, which I don’t think is a Maleficent thing. It’s very confusing. It’s like when I was in eighth graded and I went to a party wearing a hockey mask and a Freddy glove. They get a 27, so clearly my Jive issues put me on the wrong side of history.

James Van Der Beek and Emma Slater (27/30) – They’re doing a Viennese Waltz to the Annie Lennox version of “I Put a Spell on You”. Man, there is nothing really to talk about in their intro video. They’re nice and normal people who are working hard and having fun. I like them a lot and I’m a sucker for a Waltz and this one is very cool and theatrical. The flow from one move to the next is excellent and there’s a really fun drive to it. Also, Keo steps in to steal Emma away near the end and it’s a lot of fun.

Bruno, in devil horns, calls James “the Prince of Darkness” and says it was perfect until James slipped. Carrie Ann agrees that it was perfect except for one step. Len says it was terrific and it was so close to a ten. They get another 27!

Ally Brooke and Sasha Farber (27/30) – Ally was in the bottom two last week and she’s taking it badly. They’re doing a Tango to a song I don’t know as Harley and the Joker in their Suicide Squad incarnations. And that’s very distracting because I didn’t like the movie or that take on the characters, but also it’s an abusive relationship and it’s gross when people try to glamorize it. The dance? It’s pretty good, I guess. But I’m busy being mad.

Carrie Ann says she pushes herself so far and lives on the edge. Len says it was a real comeback. Bruno calls it a “premier league tango”. Tango League! Tom calls Sasha “Joaquin Phoenix” and you just know Jared Leto is going to be so mad. It’s another 27!

Hannah Brown and Alan Bersten (25/30) – It’s a Jazz dance to “Bad Girls” and Hannah is dressed as a dead beauty queen. Well, they say she is. I’ll take their work for it. It’s a good dance but they have so many backup dancers it feels like we’re watching a team dance and the leads don’t really get to shine. There’s a very cool lift at the end, though. I really enjoyed that.

Len says she’s a terrific dancer and likes her performance. Bruno calls it lively and theatrical but says she can do better. He tells her to “panch it” and I don’t know what word he’s saying. Carrie Ann agrees with Bruno and says there’s something lacking. It’s a 25.

Karamo and Jenna Johnson (25/30) – They’re made up as skellingtons for a Paso Doble. It’s a Destiny’s Child song that is not related to Halloween in any way. The costuming is really cool and lends this kind of a surreal feel. It’s got some real drama and Karamo makes some interesting choices in posing that makes this really fun to watch. It might be a little too staccato for the judges, but I dug it.

Bruno loved the sense of power and purpose and points out a single misstep. Carrie Ann says he was like a sonic boom. Len stops to congratulate the hair, makeup, and wardrobe people and says he liked the attack but thought his shaping was off. It’s a 25! High scores tonight!

Lauren Alaina and Gleb Savchenko (27/30) – They’re going to do an Argentine Tango to a song from Chicago. Again, not Halloween. Oh, wait. It might be Damn Yankees. The Lola song. I can’t remember and I refuse to look it up. I’m just being difficult. It’s quite good but the single most memorable moment is all Gleb – he pitches himself on to the floor and then gets up as if his fall is being rewound. It’s very cool but it totally steals the dance.

Carrie Ann likes the way she recovered from a slip and compliments her core. Len calls it “spirited” and doesn’t make a ghost joke. But he really liked it. Bruno talks at length about sexiness before calling the dance “exquisite”. Also, we learn that she has some messed up ribs right now. Get those looked at, Lauren! We’re back in 27 town!

Sean Spicer and Lindsay Arnold (18/30) – They’re doing a Jive to “Monster Mash” so it’s my least favorite dance style and a song I just don’t like. (Andy Daly did a piece on Bullseye about how much he loves “Monster Mash” and he’s the greatest, but it just doesn’t spark any sort of enjoyment in me.) Sean is dressed as Frankenstein which fits his dance style. It’s the least choreography I’ve ever seen in a Jive and is just awkward. Every time Sean tries to do his Frankenstein bit is the worst thing I’ve ever seen. I do not care for this at all.

Len says it wasn’t super or natural and it lacked content. Bruno liked the monster part but not the Jive part. He says there was on step on time, which is brutal. Carrie Ann says he’s backsliding and he made a lot of mistakes. He gets an 18, which is also three 6s for the Score of the Beast.

Kate Flannery and Pasha Pashkov (24/30) – They’re going to do a Rumba and you know when the video package is mostly a judge explaining the dance that they’re pretty low on drama. It’s Red Riding Hood themed and it’s that “Wicked Games” song. Which I think is called “Wicked Games”. It’s so out of character for Kate and I really like it. I feel like they could maybe have used a little bit more content but she’s very good at the slow sections and they end in a hold that’s just gorgeous. I’m so impressed!

Bruno calls it “beautiful and haunting” and he wants to work on her fluidity. Carrie Ann agrees on the fluidity but loves the way she went all out on every move. Len compliments Pasha on his choreography which is a nice acknowledgment of the new guy. He thinks Kate was not as confident as she needed to be but it was still a strong performance. It’s a solid 24.

And now… time for the Team Dances!


Team Trick (James/Emma, Lauren/Gleb, Hannah/Alan, Ally/Sasha) (27/30) – They’ve got “Somebody’s Watching Me” as their song, and three of the four pairs got a 27 this week. They’re stacked. They begin by circling in an ornate table and there’s some fun choreography to it. When they split into pairs, they’re really in sync for some Tango-style floor movements. There’s a cool bit where the men and women split and the men showcase the only male non-pro on the team, James. They don’t really have individual routines like you see sometime – it’s 100% a team dance and it’s so much fun.

Len loved the chorography and there’s a whole row of people wearing Michael Myers masks and like I said, I just saw Halloween. There’s another section of people in Plague Doctor masks. This is so creepy. Bruno and Carrie Ann both loved it but I can’t focus on what they’re saying because the masks behind them are so dang weird. They get a 27!


Team Treat (Karamo/Jenna, Kate/Pasha, Sean/Lindsay, Kel/Witney) (24/30) – They have a Beyonce song and Karamo is so happy to have two Beyonce numbers in the same night. Everybody is acutely aware of the fact that they have to choreograph around Sean. It opens with the men in beds (but they’re vertical beds so they’re standing and the women who appear to be haunted dolls, bring them to a dungeon. It’s a fun dance but the overall choreography is a lot more basic. The women totally kill it, though. You don’t really notice that Kate is the only non-pro in the pack.

Bruno screams something I can’t even understand and says it was entertaining but “not everybody was on time”. Carrie Ann specifically calls out Kate for fitting in with the pros. Len liked the fun of it and congratulates them. They end with a 24.

And now it’s time for the results. Come on Tom, treat us right! Ally and Sasha are safe! Hannah and Alan are safe! So are Kel and Witney! James and Emma? You know they’re safe! Lauren and Gleb are safe! Also safe… Sean and Lindsay? What in the actual hell? You can feel the air just get sucked out of the room with this. Tom is visibly bummed out that it’s Kate and Karamo in the bottom two. Carrie Ann is upset but votes to save Karamo and Jenna. Bruno picks Kate and Pasha. Oh, this is just going to suck. Len is not at all happy to have either of them in this position, but he ultimately saves Kate and Pasha. I’m happy about that, but also Karamo deserved better. This is very frustrating. It’s kind of like the Bobby Bones thing but if Bobby Bones had actively downplayed the Holocaust.

Sean has made it through seven weeks despite no evidence of talent – that’s the Halloween scare nobody was asking for!

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