First rule of Survivor …you don’t quit Survivor. I’m so mad right now, I want to punch John Rocker. Nothing pisses me off more than someone quitting Survivor. Thousands of people submit audition tapes and dream of being on this show (my wife and I are among those dreamers) but for whatever reason we don’t get picked, and then this big-boobed, entitled chick (aka Julie) goes on the show and, ho hum, when things start to get tough, she quits. Grrrrrr. What a loser. What a quitter.

Other stuff happened, last night, but when someone who just made it to the merge and ate a huge banquet feast and has shelter and is clinging to an alliance of “singles”, why quit?

I’ll tell you why she quit …because in her world where she dates and bangs rich athletes, her fake boobs were all she ever needed. Oh, yes …I’m judging …harshly. She’s either a former stripper or former waitress at a strip club. Sure, her pre-Survivor bio says she’s the owner of a spray tan business, but I’m guessing that’s a byproduct of banging a millionaire former major league baseball player.

So, I guess I’ll contradict myself. Maybe she wasn’t even good enough to be a stripper …maybe she’s just worked at salons and tanning places and at night hangs around bars where she can meet rich men. This is an entire sub-culture that exists. Don’t believe me? Walk into any upscale steakhouse on a Thursday and you’ll see it.

OK. I’m going to talk about the episode and some other interesting things, but look at this bitch’s bio!!! Seriously, CBS …and you ignored my audition tape and essay?

Reason for Being on SURVIVOR: The experience and for the possibilities of future Survivor shows. I would love to compete more than once.

Why You Think You’ll “Survive” SURVIVOR: I am the most observant person. I’m told by everyone that knows me that I can figure out someone’s state of mind and intentions within minutes. I’ll bring that strong instinct to the game to help my team win.

Why You Think You Will Be the Sole SURVIVOR: I am super determined when I put my mind to a task. I am not one to look for help, if I need something, I make it happen. I believe I could be one of the last few on the show.

As for what happened on the show, basically, as a guy rooting for Jeremy (the black guy), his road just got a whole lot bumpier. He’s a man without a country. The singles remaining (now that big-boobed Julie quit) are Jeremy, an Amazing Race girl (I think it’s Natalee), and a Handsome Bro (I think it’s Drew).

Jeremy in a four-person alliance had a much better shot than Jeremy in a three-person alliance, and I’m not sure Handsome Bro thinks of himself as “with the singles.”

So that makes the the couples the Mother-Daughter (aka Baylor and Missy), Ken-Doll and Miss Michigan (aka Jon and Jaclyn), Hillbilly Dad and Son (aka Keith and Wes), and Josh and Reed (aka the Gay Guys).

Jeremy can still make some moves, but he has to get lucky and get his hooks into an alliance of couples that genuinely want to break up other couples and aren’t lying to him about secretly wanting to do it, but really they want to pick off the “singles.”

The other advantage for Jeremy is that nobody likes The Gay Guys, because they think they’re in control, and the blonde-guy of that pair has done some dumb things …like voting for Baylor at tribal and not telling her and then explaining why he did in the most pathetic way. He basically said, I have my reasons, but you’re too stupid to have understood them had I told you about it before tribal. That’ll be his downfall …treating everyone like idiots.

As you saw, Old Hillbilly (aka Keith) won individual immunity and because Julie quit, wasn’t able to do anything with it.

Ya know, that’s what really sucks about someone quitting. Julie wasn’t the target of that night’s tribal council. So we would’ve had an interesting conclusion to last night’s show and we would’ve seen Jeremy scrambling and we would’ve learned the intentions of the two foursomes, and maybe Old Hillbilly and his son would’ve talked about them having two immunity idols and started to take control of the game or make a big move – it’s not often a pair both have immunity idols. So many strategic things could’ve happened, but instead, it’s like a waste of an episode, because nobody’s actions led to any consequences.

Pretty much, these were the highlights:

  • Old Hillbilly won immunity (giving him two immunity idols)
  • Jeremy was plotting and lost a member of his alliance
  • Drew bullied big-boob-quitter (aka Julie) and led her to quit
  • Big-boobed quitter snuck granola/trail mix away from the feast – which actually brings up another fascinating point …her tribe mates went through her bag. That hardly ever happens. CBS must’ve not shown us some other Julie footage over these first seven weeks.

Ugh. This feels like such an empty recap. Nothing really to conclude except, I think, Mother-Daughter and Hillbilly Dad-Son have the power. If I had to pick right now, I’d say one of those four are going to win. And I loved how the Mother (aka Missy) totally shit all over her daughter, pretty much saying, “yes, my daughter is an idiot and I need to direct her.” And while saying it she was pretty much saying she has the equivalent of a loyal dog as her blood-relation. Huge advantage.

I guess we have to wait until next week for the game to resume. For now, let’s all Tweet mean and hurtful things at Julie so that she and John Rocker refuse to attend the finale. I’m sure Probst is with me. I just Tweeted at him asking how angry he gets when someone quits. I’ll let you know if he responds.

Next week will be better. I hope. Thanks for reading.

Follow me at @donkowalewski.

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