Survivor is back. Jeff Probst is back. Blood v. Water is back and I don’t care what you say, I liked that theme and twist when they did it before. I’m excited for it. And right out of the gate, I love this season and I love this cast. So, before we begin, let’s set the ground rules for my spunkybean Survivor recaps.

  1. Survivor is one of the best shows on TV …ever.
  2. I’m really bad with names, so most people for half the season will be known as “Hot Blonde” or “Tall Guy with Beard” or things like that.
  3. I wish I was Jeff Probst.
  4. I think I’m a Survivor expert and I could easily go on the show and win. Therefore, I think I’m right about everything.

Basically, I’m saying, this is a love-fest. But I won’t say nice things about contestants who don’t have a clue how Survivor works and use words like “integrity” and “honesty” as if those are assets I need to respect. In the real world. Yes. On Survivor …no. It’s a game show. It’s not real life. Lie. Backstab. Play smart and play dirty and do what you need to do to win.

I’ve got my early favorites, the Miss Michigan and the former Michigan State Football player. If I wasn’t from Michigan and didn’t go to Michigan State, well, I’d hate them. I get that. They’re too pretty and too lucky, so it’s not fair. But I’m going to be rooting for them. They played it low-key and it’s a good move on their part. Just blend in for as long as you can, Michiganders (that’s what we folks from Michigan call ourselves).

We’ve got the annoying twin sisters who first appeared on Amazing Race.

And a firefighter father and son. And hillbilly brothers.

They dropped all the contestants onto the island in pairs and they only got to spend that first night together. Everyone had flint and the firefighter father and son broke or lost theirs.

And then it all started. The pairs got together, they split into two tribes, and there was an immunity challenge that pitted a husband and wife team. The husband cried and his wife, basically, told him to act like a man and told the world she didn’t need his help. Right away my wife and I looked at each other sitting across from each other on our couch and said, “if we ever get on this show, no crying.” It’s like this – the awesome thing about blood v. water is that you go into the game with a 1 in 10 chance at a million dollars instead of the usual 1 in 20 shot.

The husband dominated the rope-untangling and grappling challenge which meant his wife would be off to Exile Island and Black-Guy-Husband (aka Jeremy the Firefighter) sent Hillbilly Firefighter Guy to accompany his wife. Off they went.

Exile Island is way better than Redemption Island because they don’t have to sit on the sideline forever …just until the next immunity challenge. And the good thing about Exile Island was that there was a clue to the hidden immunity idol.

Boston Strong Black Woman Wife got the clue. She never found it when back at camp.

John Rocker is on the show. For those who don’t know his background and why he’s famous, it’s two fold. First, he was famous because he was a relief pitcher for the Atlanta Braves and his trademark was full-on sprinting from the bullpen to the mound to loud rock music. Totally hickish and badass. He was like a coked up spazz. And for a few minutes, he was a great relief pitcher. Then his second moment of fame was when he found himself in New York and agreed to an interview with some magazine and talked about queers and aids on the subway next to him and how much he hates New York because of how un-Southern and normal it was. And just like that, poof …he was a racist, hateful, bigot and his spazztic running and lack of control on his fastball meant the end of him.

I’ll bet he’s not as hateful as his comments indicate. He was just a dumb hick who wasn’t ready for the New York media.

Don’t fact check any of that, because I’m just working from memory.

Anyway, John Rocker was a stud last night. He’s a beast and he tried to hide from the fact he was a big leaguer, but one of his tribemates busted him. But only that guy knows. And since John Rocker was throwing people up walls and wrestling monkeys (note: he wasn’t wrestling monkeys …and that’s not a reference to his racism) and looks like he has the strength of 100 men, no way his tribe votes him out as long as they need to win challenges.

There’s a gay couple and remember when that would’ve been shocking on TV? John Rocker remembers.

The not-John-Rocker tribe won the immunity challenge which meant the John Rocker Tribe had to go to tribal council, where one of the Indian Twins from Amazing Race became the first person voted off. I wasn’t happy, because twin sisters were entertaining on Amazing Race, I thought it would be fun.

And that’s the premiere. I’m glad they give everyone fire and hammers and screws because it’s too boring to see people suffering through starvation for the first three weeks of the show. Good on ya, CBS, for taking out the part of Survivor where people actually struggle to survive, and just take us right to the gamesmanship.

Black Guy Firefighter Guy used the sympathy and pity awarded him for watching his wife head off to Exile Island …he used it to make friends and build a huge alliance with, like, everyone. Or maybe it was just five people, but whatever he did, he’s well-liked and the leader of his tribe.

Someone quits next week. Can’t wait to see that.

Thanks for reading and be here every week and let’s all be Survivor besties. Leave comments about stuff – Survivor, how wrong I am, how right I am, or how Obama has ruined Survivor.

See you next week.

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3 Responses to Survivor San Juan Del Sur – Week One

  1. Tony says:

    I felt a little bad for the husband and wife who had to compete against each other. How long until John Rocker can’t help himself and says something judgmental?

  2. Sue-vivor says:

    I was really rooting for the Amazing Race sisters. You summed up the John Rocker rise and fall perfectly.

  3. […] Let’s talk John Rocker. One of two things are happening here. One, he might be the only interesting character. He’s brash, he’s a huge mountain of a man, his girlfriend is pretty hot and is the stereotype of what a millionaire jock’s girlfriend should look like, and he has quite an interesting back story, what with that whole thing where he said something about Black people and “queers.” For my poorly researched couch-potato telling of the tale of John Rocker, read my recap from last week. […]

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