Welcome back to another season of Survivor coverage on spunkybean. If you’re new here, lemme quick tell you how spunkybean recaps and analysis work (when I write them, anyway). First, we only write about things we love. Hence, I’m writing about Survivor because I love the show, have never missed a season, and I would trade at least one of my children to be picked as a contestant. I love Jeff Probst. If I could trade places with any human on the planet, well, first I would pick Justin Timberlake. Second, I would pick Jeff Probst. Third, no matter what they change in the way of gameplay, I fully support it. Adding new wrinkles is necessary. If Survivor was played the exact same way every season, everyone would use the same playbook, and it would get boring.
Got it? We good? OK. Let’s get to it.
For all these many weeks, I couldn’t figure out how CBS was going to work “past mistakes” into the show, but now I get it. Last night, we saw the return of the Legacy Idol that never got used. Love it. So that means we’re probably going to get a Double-Idol in honor of the guy who got voted out with two Immunity Idols in his bag. Plus, many, many more, and I like that Ghost-Island is a safe zone that sometimes will make a player safer, sometimes not at all, and I’m guessing someone will go and get a clue to something that makes them less safe. I don’t know. And I can’t wait.
Last night, the Big-Oaf (aka Jacob) played about as horrible a game as could possibly be played. In the early stages of the game, players should have one goal – mostly go unnoticed, get along and be friendly, don’t be awkward, and don’t draw extra attention to yourself. I get offended when a guy like Big-Oaf (aka Jacob) calls himself a super-fan and “student of the game”, yet has zero self-awareness. I was embarrassed for him. I almost felt bad for him. I have no doubt he’s been watching Survivor since he was a kid and this is his dream, but he should’ve been watching with friends (or reading my Blog) and critically analyzing his social skills. Someone should’ve said, your character needs to be “gentle giant.” He should’ve been like King Kong. Should’ve been a loveable, harmless “kid brother.” What did he do? He lost his shoes in the ocean all by himself. He then told the story to everyone. He went off into the forest looking for the Idol which puts a target on his back. He didn’t find the Idol.
If you go looking for the Idol, you damn well better FIND THE IDOL!!! Like Domenick (aka New Yorker Stereotype) did in the middle of the night with only moonlight to guide him. I gotta say, that was one of the more power-moves ever …dude was chasing rats away searching around in the dark. How pissed were the cameramen? Domenick found the Idol. Jacob didn’t.
Jacob was actually worse than all that, even. He tried to make a fake Immunity Idol, but it looked ridiculous and he didn’t think it all through and people saw immediately he didn’t have the scroll message to go with his terrible fake Idol. Then he spilled the beans to Big-Hair-Big-Boobs (aka Stephanie Johnson), which was even worse. He failed to recognize he had zero alliances, and that she would report right back to her alliance.
Ya know who Jacob is? He’s that annoying barista you sometimes come across at Starbucks. The guy that drinks way too many espressos all day, makes terrible coffee jokes and puns, and though you really don’t want to make small talk, he can’t help but ask everyone about the weather, or traffic, or, “where do you work?” He mistakes courtesy laughs for actual laughter. Jacob really needed to play sports when he was younger. He was so awkward, even the other tribe, who didn’t even know him, picked him as the first victim of Ghost Island, which was lucky for him, or he would’ve been the first voted off, which instead was Stephanie Gonzalez. Poor, poor Stephanie. She was the feisty Puerto Rican who claimed she would be underestimated, but we’ll never know.
Being voted off first would have to be everyone’s worst fear. Years, and sometimes a lifetime, spent dreaming of getting onto the show lasts barely 48-hours. Someday, I hope CBS makes a full cast of contestants who were all voted off first during their seasons. How good would that be?
It would be good.
You can’t learn much from night-1 and night-2 (combined into a 2-hour season premier), but we learned a little.
Ghost Island: An interesting twist that will be different for everyone based on the urn they break. It’s fun right now because nobody knows what’s there (Jacob lied). But word will get out, and eventually, it might be used to help groups advance themselves hoping for bigger, better advantages.
Ken Doll (aka Chris Noble): He’s either going to get burned by his arrogance and early popularity, or he’s going to calm down and fade into the background until the merge. Everyone gets so excited to “make moves” nowadays, if he’s not careful, the less-attractive and less-strong are going to get a sense he thinks he’s in charge, they’ll start to talk about how they won’t be able to beat him physically after the merge, and he could go home early …especially since his tribe already has a two-person advantage.
The-18-Year-Old (aka Michael): Do I believe he’s going to keep his age and the fact he’s not a 24-year-old real estate agent a secret? No. He’ll crack before the month of March is over. Trust me.
Hillbilly-Mush-Mouth (aka Donathan): I pointed out to my kids that he speaks in such a violent southern drawl that, even though he’s speaking English, they use subtitles under him. That’s country. It never fails to amaze me someone so helpless can make it past the first week, but there he is. Making friends and saving the day in the challenge when The Asian Guy (aka James Lim) couldn’t dive down under water far enough.
Welcome back, readers, and welcome welcome to first time readers. What did I miss? Don’t say Desiree‘s boobs, because I defenitely did not miss those. Yup. Saw ’em. I think we’ll be seeing alot of them, actually. Leave a comment. Share this article. Thanks for reading. See you next week.