I attempted to take a break this season from recapping to focus all my energy on crafting the finest Bachelor Fantasy Squad, unfortunately, my taste in women is shit and my longest standing contestant was a girl with one arm, so now as I’m out a team (but thankfully not an arm), I am free to sub in for Don and write you some recaps over the next 2 weeks.
Because the world is cruel, rather than having a least a few minutes to nurse my wounds over my failed fantasy team this week, I am instantly accosted in scene 1 when arch villain, Tierra belts ‘The cougar’s back in town!’ upon hearing Ashlee will get the first 1 on 1 date. In case the intent of her song wasn’t clear, she backs it up with some classy comment about how old Ashlee was (may I remind you she’s 32) and how clearly something’s wrong with her for being single at that age. I’d like to continue by sharing the definition of the word cougar straight from a reliable source known as www.urbandictionary.com. The Urban Dictionary defines the ‘cougar’ as follows:
“An attractive woman in her 30’s or 40’s who is on the hunt once again. She may be found in the usual hunting grounds: nightclubs, bars, beaches, etc. She will not play the usual B.S. games that women in their early twenties participate in. End state, she will be going for the kill, just like you. Associated with milfs ”
When you put it that way, I’d say Ashlee should take the compliment. As an unmarried 30 year old, so will I.
Now that that garbage is out of the way, lets dig into Sean’s first date with Ashlee. Despite her suspiciously high cheekbones and disproportionately large boobs which suggest plastic surgery, I can’t help but be a big fan of this gal. Hell, she made it through several foster homes and a rocky adoption and still came out on the other side with a positive attitude- let the girl have a little plastic surgery if it makes her feel good. On their date, I definitely sensed a real connection; it didn’t seem like anything could go wrong until… the big reveal of her former marriage. I love how she set it up… the long pauses… the ‘I’m so sorry to tell you this’… another painfully long pause… and then, I’m divorced. Was I the only one who thought she stripped for heroin for a minute? I give Ashlee points for scaring the shit out of Sean so bad that the ‘bad’ news actually ended up sounding like good news when he compared to what must have been floating around in his head. Ashlee tied up the night smartly by covering up that whole ex husband thing with the big “I love you, Sean.” Nice touch, Cougar!
After Sean’s Sunshine-y date with Ashlee we’re forced to go back to Tierra, because lets face it, ABC wouldn’t make their ratings if we didn’t. Tierra finally gets her long awaited 1 on 1 date. When the date card arrives and alludes to a trip through town in St. Croix she discusses how she wished it was a boating date because there’d be so many bugs in town and she’d get sweaty. I’ll allow Lesley to speak for me as she said it best, “ [Tierra’s] the most unhappy person I’ve ever come in contact with” (pause for sighing), “I hate that bitch.” Can we say that on network TV? I guess we can say that on network TV. Regardless, my sentiments exactly. After Tierra gets over her initial disappointment, she carries on to have a boring date aside from where Sean confronts her about her issues with the girls (I forgot to mention that Ashlee came clean about Tierra’s behaviors the prior day in a most classy way to Sean and ONLY when he asked her). Later that night, to make up for the distance Sean was unconsciously showing Tierra because of the convo about the other girls in the house, she decided to tell him she was falling in love with him; I’m assuming as a last ditch effort to not get kicked off that week. This I think is risky; if some guy tried to tell me he loved me after our first real date I’d probably file for a restraining order. But I guess this isn’t the real world, it’s the Bachelor, so what do I know?
Sean follows up his 1 on 1 with Tierra with a group date the next day with Des, Catherine and Lindsay. The date started before sunrise when Sean perved out and woke up the girls by taking unsolicited photos of them sleeping (just to make sure he knows what he’s getting into at the end of all this). By sunrise they were toasting with Mimosas on the beach and before sunset Sean was declaring this date ‘the most fun road trip he’s ever been on’… no shit, on what planet (other than Utah) is it acceptable to go on a road trip with your 3 girlfriends? The date goes well and Lindsay walks away with the first hometown rose, much to Des’ chagrin because, damnit, she went above and beyond that day, and cried and shit.
Sean goes on to have a totally boring daytime date with Lesley, leaving me with little interesting to say other than it was awkward and I’m glad it ended before a candlelit dinner became a possibility.
I’m certain the next series of scenes kept those ABC producers up late at night with all their quick cuts. The scene starts with Sean having a serious talk with his sister, Shay… cut to Tierra & Ashlee getting into a fight about the comments she made about her to Sean… cut back to Shay reminding him that the only advice she gave him before the show was not to date the girl that no one liked… cut back to Tierra telling Ashlee it’s not her fault that she raises her eyebrow, she can’t control it (tourette’s can be a pain)… cut to Sean deciding he wants to bring Tierra down for a visit with Shay… cut to Tierra explaining her ‘sparkle’ to the girls as if it were as delicate as one’s chastity belt (sounds like a pageant brat if I’ve ever heard one… now we know where the name Tierra came from). By the time Sean goes inside to introduce Tierra to his sister she is crying again. FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY he gets it, [insert choir singing the Hallelujah Chorus] this girl must GO. In the end, I have to applaud him for somehow using the phrase “I’m crazy about you” and “you should go home now” in the same sentence and still making it sound like he’s just done her a tremendous favor.
On the ride out, Tierra leaves us with one parting phrase “I told myself going into this nobody would take my sparkle away, and I’m not letting that happen.” Her sparkle may not be gone but I’m pretty sure her mojo is- I’d like to see how easy it is for her to get a date with a respectable man after this thing airs.
So the night ends without Tierra, without a rose ceremony and with another girl gone (Lesley). What I can’t wrap my head around is why Catherine is crying about it since she’s still there. But I decide to look past that minor irritation because there stands the underdog, a cougar in a yellow dress, with a rose in hand.
At last there is justice in the world. Look who’s sparkling now.