I feel like I would be cheating you fine folks if I broke down four hours of The Bachelor into a single paragraph. Because fine television like that deserves more than that. For all the discussions we’ve had, and have been had about Juan Pablo being “the worst Bachelor ever”, it’s time we apologize (apo-jize) to ABC and Chris Harrison and ABC television for not giving them the benefit of the doubt that they knew what they were doing and eventually we could be entertained.

Are we not entertained? Did we all not love a crazy, overbearing sister stalking Juan Pablo and ruining the hometown date? And didn’t we just want someone to “tell off” Juan Pablo this whole time? And isn’t it going to be awesome next week when we watch “The Women Tell All?”

Yes, now we come to the pay off. I don’t know why we didn’t see this coming. Here we had Juan Pablo, all season, totally going through the motions and obviously not interested in finding true love and a wife, and we felt cheated. We watch this show because we love a “love story” and we laugh at every guy and girl every season who somehow doesn’t realize how dysfunctional the whole process is and they all seem really and truly into the process. Juan Pablo has obviously not been into the process. He just wanted free travel and to kiss alotta hot babes. I don’t know what we were excpecting (ess-pek).

Oh, I’m throwing in some Juan-isms in parentheses throughout the recap. Something else I’ve found myself doing this season is incorporating some Juan-Pablo broken-English into my every day life.

Before we get to Nikki, Clare, and Andi, we first must talk about Renee (aka The Single Mom). In a normal world, she would’ve been the girl Juan Pablo gets engaged to. She’s sane, similar (with a child of her own), is a little older, and makes sense. She was nice. She was the most cerebral of anyone he was speed-dating. Obviously, that’s not what Juan wants. Yes, I’ll just come out and say it …I don’t think Juan Pablo is such a “great dad” and it seems to me the idea of Renee and he and Camilla (ca-meeya) making themselves some sorta mini-Brady Bunch doesn’t sound fun …at all. I appreciate Renee’s son who is the first person to make me embarrassed I watch this show – he all but refused to utter a single word on camera as if to say, “Mom, you and all these cameramen disgust me.”

Good point, kid.

Can Renee be the next Bachelorette? Or is it obviously going to be Andi?

Monday’s hometown dates and Juan Pablo meeting the families had some great moments, but the best was his hometown date with Clare and her six sisters. Back in the olden days, a beautiful girl with six sisters would’ve made a great premise of a Disney Princess movie. Just sayin’. Anyway, the first thing we learned is that Clare’s sisters all hate her. It’s not like they said it, but seriously …was she adopted. I know Clare has the advantage of being the youngest, and she probably goes through and ABC run bootcamp every morning during all the traveling so ABC doesn’t have any fatties on their hands, and she has the advantage of a hair and make-up person making her look as beautiful as possible, but compared to her sisters? She has at least two sisters who more resembled Shrek.

I’m not about to say anything bad about her Dad, whom they all adored and miss like crazy, but I’ll be he spoiled his 7th daughter (Clare) and so she grew up being (a) spoiled and protected by Mom and Dad as the youngest and (b) prettier than all her sisters. Again, great premise for a Disney Princess movie. Which wore on her oldest sister who gave us the highlight of the night when she wouldn’t let Clare sit alone and talk with her mother because she was worried Clare would “twist your words like you always do.”

Resentment much? Whoa, Clare’s older sister had some major “issues” and for a few minutes there, I kinda wondered if Clare’s mother had Alzheimer’s or dementia of some sort, because seeing the two sisters fight, you’d think a mother would chime in and try and calm them both down, but she just stared and smiled. Luckily, Juan Pablo speaks Spanish, as does Clare’s mom, and they had a wonderfully subtitled conversation.

If I didn’t know any better, I’d say Juan Pablo is obviously going to propose marriage to Clare. Clare is the perfect sorta space cadet who, I believe, really is in love with Juan Pablo, and has thrown herself into this and at him without caution. She can’t see Juan Pablo just doesn’t want the same things as her.

Nikki would be #2, but I still think Nikki is mostly still fighting like hell, not so much because she’s in love with Juan Pablo, but because she hates Clare and now, for her, it’s just a competition. As long as she beats Clare and gets to watch Clare’s heart get broken, she’ll feel like a winner. Nikki’s biggest advantage is that, well, she’s crazy hot and sexy.

I should say more about Nikki, I guess …but …um …I can’t really think of anything. She’s sexy (I know I just mentioned that). Her biggest struggle is saying “I love you.” She’s smart(ish). Hmmmmm, now that I think about it, ABC will make Nikki the next Bachelorette if she doesn’t get picked in the end.

ABC would never pick Clare, I don’t think. She’s not interesting enough. Yup. It’s going to be Nikki …even if Juan Pablo picks her, I’m going to assume some random Tweets I saw are true and that Juan Pablo doesn’t get engaged when this is all done and Nikke (or Clare) will be ready to hope right into their own season.

Now we come to the payoff. Andi’s total rejection and Jerry-Springering of Juan Pablo, and his totally blowing her off and using his “I don’t speaka da Englaisa too well” to pretend he never really liked her anyway.

Everything was going so swimmingly. Juan Pablo traveled to her hometown and met her suspicious father. She had a nice family. Andi was smart, cool, calm, and collected. She had slowly approached this entire season and not jumped in with both feet and, truthfully, in mid February, I was still just referring to her as “one of the brunettes.” She hadn’t done anything spectacular, hadn’t been part of a great one-on-one date, yet here she was and was starting to become a favorite with the viewers (at least those I see Tweeting).

Seriously, after Monday’s hometown dates, everything was looking perfect and I would’ve put her ahead of Clare in Juan Pablo’s rankings.

Just to be clear …I think Juan’s #1 choice is Nikki. And I think the girl most into Juan and who would most likely marry him on the spot on the finale, would be Clare.

So, things were great with Andi. Last night came and all the girls and Juan Pablo found themselves in Saint Lucia (so beautiful …like crazy beautiful …and again, when the explorers travelled from Europe and “discovered” all these new lands, seems like they would’ve settled in the tropics. What made them explore the entire coastline of the United States, and down into Jamaica and all the islands between North and South America and say, “ya know, I think I like it better up North where it gets cold for five months.” Saint Lucia should be New York City. Seems like a much more logical choice of where 14-million people would want to live. Maybe because you can’t farm or sustain life on Saint Lucia …I don’t know. But if I was at the wheel of the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria, you’d still see my taco and tequila stand and surf board rental stand right on my own Plymouth rock, if I had landed there.

Back to Andi. There wasn’t a hint of dissatisfaction or trepidation all they way up until she accepted (assep-ed) the invitation to the fantasy suite – nothing. She was all in. And then after the fantasy suite …oh …boy. Hilariously, Juan Pablo thought their overnight was fantastic and they talked and he lamented how much he didn’t realize that he liked her and he was obviously rethinking his entire journey and he was suddenly way into her. Oh, I thought, this changes things. They did have a great date, I thought, so this creates a real wrinkle. Until …they put the camera on Andi.

When she just came out with it and said, hilariously in the quick cut away from a happy Juan Pablo, that when she woke up on the morning after spending the night in the fantasy suite, all she wanted to do was leave, I laughed. Seriously, I laughed out loud. That’s fantastic editing and television right there.

She went on and on about how selfish and into himself he is, and that every time she tried to talk about herself, he interrupted to talk more about himself. Holy crap, that’s funny. Funny for a couple reasons. First, it means he’s as annoying as I thought and doesn’t “get” this show and process, and it’s part of the reason he’s been the “worst bachelor ever.” He’s a void of intellect and emotion and as I’ve joked, every time someone wants to get serious or discuss feelings, he just shuts them up with a tongue in their mouths. The second part that’s hilarious and awesome is that he probably does the same thing with Clare and Nikki, which means they’re weak and/or star struck, and they’ll going to look like blonde idiots trying to explain why they really don’t mind how into himself Juan Pablo is.

Andi was so put-off and offended, she wanted to confront Juan Pablo about it, but he was clueless that it should even matter to him or that he should feel bad. He wanted to chew him a new a-hole, and he did what Americans sometimes day they hate about foreign people – he went into full “I don’t speak English and I don’t understand your world” mode. She wanted to tell him how awful he was, and he shouldn’t be bragging about his other one-on-one dates and conquests, but he did. She wanted him to feel awful for not knowing she’s Catholic or her goals for her life, or if she’d move to Miami, and he didn’t. All he kept saying was, “s OK. s OK.” And when she tried to tell him how dick-ish that was, he merely would say, “S OK.”

Andi wanted more. I wanted more. But all Juan Pablo gave us was an attitude like, hey, do you see those other two hotties that are totally into me? I don’t really need this drama. I sorry, how you say, you feel zis way, but see ya.

Andi: “You should feel like shit. You are an asshole.”

Juan Pablo: “S OK.”

Andi: “No, everything is not OK. You are selfish and horrible and don’t care about anyone but yourself.”

Juan Pablo: “S OK.”

I think I could watch that entire scene again, and probably will whenever I’ve had a bad day and need some cheering up.

So, Andi hit the ejector button and got out of there. Now we just need to wonder if she and her eyebrows are something ABC would cast as the next Bachelorette. What? Don’t tell me you didn’t find yourself staring at her eyebrows.

The rose ceremony was anti-climactic, except for the look on Nikki’s face when she realized, for someone with hopes of being the next Bachelorette, Andi pulled the power move. Yes, I think if you asked Nikki in that moment what she wanted more – to be engaged to Juan Pablo or to be the next Bachelorette, I think she would’ve responded, “Juan Pablo who?”

Next week, we’ve got a Women Tell All I’ll be looking forward to more than in any past season because of Andi and Sharleen – both of whom quit. Usually we have some villainous chick we hate and can’t wait to hate on some more, but this time we’ve got two defectors and it will be fun. As usual, we were teased with quite a few looks of horror and shock and awe from the girls on the panel, so this should be good entertainment and give us some great Juan Pablo bashing.

Can’t wait. See you next week. Thanks for reading.

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2 Responses to The Bachelor Juan Pablo, Andi Quits

  1. Karen says:

    Sharleen and Andi were my favorites from the beginning. So glad they saw thru Juan Pablo. Your right, last night was finally some good entertainment.

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