He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. If I write “he loves me, he loves me not” over and over again, like, 1,000 times, do you think my spunkybean editors would accept that as a The Bachelor blog recap? Would you read it?

* Turns out they wouldn’t accept that and I had to re-write it, hence this very late recap. *

“He loves me, he loves me not” was the theme of last Monday’s Bachelor and Juan Pablo was really messing with our heads, and Clare’s head. Normally, I laugh at the airheads on this show pursuing love and romance, as if, even though we all know they mostly just want to travel the world, which is what The Bachelor has become. Basically, this show has become The Amazing Race with beautiful people and lots of kissing.

Before we get to the Clare bashing, the first part of the show was a 1-on-1 date with The Single Mom, and despite both she and Juan Pablo being in their 30s, a ripe old age on this show, their date focused on how Juan Pablo was afraid to kiss her and didn’t want to rush things, and she wanted to kiss him, but didn’t know how to do that and not make it seemed forced and, oh it was so cute it was like they were 14. 14-year-olds with children. Yes, the same Juan Pablo who became a French-kissing machine-gun later in the episode, pretty much kissing everyone, including Chris Harrison (awkward), didn’t want to rush things with Single-Mom. Anyway, they had a nice date, talked about being single-parents, and Single-Mom received a rose.

Note – he did NOT kiss Chris Harrison. That was a joke. No need to go back to the DVR.

Maybe we should talk about the Nurse Nikki date, too, before we get to the Juan Pablo-Clare thing. ABC is trying to paint someone as a villain, and Nikki is as close as we have this season. She says some snarky things, I guess, but nothing that’s going to lead to a hair-pulling cat fight during the Women Tell All in a few weeks. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if ABC is writing things for her and coaching her on being catty. Hey, I like Nikki. Juan Pablo likes Nikki. Nikki wears the shortest skirts ever shown on television. Her mini-dress is like a magic show …no matter how short you make it, her legs are that long. I’ve going to have to go back to previous episodes and look at the pool-party scenes and see if she actually has a torso.

Nikki got a rose – there was nothing exciting there either. Which brings me to a point about this season that’s been kicked around on the Interweb. There’s a growing feeling that this is fast becoming the worst season of The Bachelor in a long time and Juan Pablo isn’t a very good Bachelor. I called it during the first week, or possibly before that when I was talking to this random guy at the mall about the show …um, yes …if you ever ride up an elevator with me and we start making small talk, I will talk about The Bachelor. I said the “idea” of Juan Pablo is awesome for you ladies, but the reality is, once you get past the mystery, it’s just kind of annoying. Ladies want to be rescued by Zorro, but they don’t want to marry him and have to explain pop-culture and colloquialisms, or explain that women can hold jobs and don’t need to walk 3 steps behind men when out in public. Yes, ladies …us American men have our faults, but years of women’s liberation and shows like Ally McBeal have changed us. Even the most macho of men, nowadays, has dabbled with lattes and cappuccinos at least once. Have you seen those Dove for Men commercials …the fact they exist at all shows you how good you’ve got it with American men. First, it shows showering daily is something important to us (not so with foreign men, I’m told). Second, it shows the idea of soap not being a “bar” is an idea we don’t laugh at, ridicule, and flush it’s head in the toilet.

What was I saying? Oh …right …Juan Pablo is hard to watch. Can we get to next season’s Bachelorette, already? And who, among this clan, will it be? And has everyone heard Juan Pablo really came on the show for the wrong reasons – to advance his futbol (soccer) announcing career?

It’s true …some girl I work with told me. So …I sourced it. Go with it.

The big thing to talk about was the Clare thing. First, on the group date, she basically made it like a one-on-one date in those giant coconut shell canoes. Then later, still on the Group Date, she and Juan Pablo stole away for more swimming and kissing and moon gazing. And because of this, later, later, Clare found Juan Pablo after hours and they went skinny dipping and it wasn’t like she dragged him with a lasso …he went along. But the next day he was like, and I’m paraphrasing, “I regret last night and I could never be serious about a slut like you.”

And that kinda broke her heart. Girls …and sluts …so emotional. Yeesh. This is a tough call – did he maybe have a bad time while they swam in the ocean and now this is his defense move to piss her off and make “breaking up” her idea? Because that’s something dudes will do. If you’re not sure what I’m talking about, it goes like this …a guy is too scared to break up and just rip off the bandaid. So, because he can’t say, with honesty and sincerity, that he’s not sure he sees a future with a girl, and while this girl might be great, they’re just not “great together”, these weak and lame dudes will start acting stupid, insensitive, and dumb. The idea here is the girl will think, “what did I ever see in this idiot,” and break it off, and he’ll feel better because he didn’t have to do the dumping. Some dudes will even go so far as to cheat on a girl, hoping to get caught, only so that SHE will end it.

I’ve seen this happen many times. This might be Juan Pablo’s game here. He was really interested in her, hot for her, even, until she kinda came on too strong and he found himself in this odd situation – America would hate him if he didn’t give her a rose. And he’s too weak to say, “all that time together showed me we’re really not meant to be” …which would be the mature thing to do. So, instead, he’s going to passively aggressively push her away.

Mark my words. She’s going to quit on her own, or, we, the home viewer, will see them drift apart and when she doesn’t get a rose, we’ll all be like, yup, totally saw that coming.

The Juan Pable-Clare thing is the thing to watch tonight.

At the final Rose Ceremony, we lost Dog Lover and two other girls (one of whom I’ll describe as The Black Girl) who were pretty punch background noise and scenery. This might not be very PC, but luckily I only have about 12 readers, and they all agree with me …would ABC really get in trouble if they didn’t add minorities to the cast of Bachelor? Is this something the NAACP and Civil Rights groups are watching. Every season is the same …always they have women-of-color (am I allowed to say that) and it’s never even come close to going anywhere.

I feel like this is the Nikki Show and nobody else, aside from maybe Clare, is even close to being his favorite.

Tonight will tell us a lot. Then I’ll tell you a lot. See you in a few hours or tomorrow.

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