I want to start this recap by pulling you aside and saying, um, this The Bachelor recapping has been really difficult for me. There’s, um, like, a buncha other sites that also recap and have way more readers and I, um, just thought you should know. I’m stuck in the middle and I can’t be myself when I recap. I thought you should know before it becomes “a thing.” Ya know? Like it was for Kacie B., who was returning for a second shot at love and had already been through the “living in the mansion” thing once before. She’s stuck in the middle of a really bad situation and how can she be expected to be herself? Do you know what I mean? It’s like if brothers met in the Super Bowl, see? It’s just, um, so emotional recapping this, and watching Kacie B., and hating both teams in the Super Bowl, right? I hope you understand.
And this is the point where you pull me aside and say you really like me, but I’ve got problems, and you’ll be reading some other recaps. And hopefully you realize I’ve been mocking Kacie B. for the past paragraph and a half. Oh, boy …Kacie B. What the heck happened that turned her into this huge “hot mess” (as the kids call it). Wasn’t this the good-girl? Wasn’t this the girl we were all rooting for over the evil-Courtney during Ben’s season? Wasn’t she the “normal” girl-next-door? What happened? She morphed into a blithering, emotional idiot who, frankly, just made me sad last night. We liked her. We actually thought it was kinda cool she was back and figured, wow, a veteran player in a mansion full of newbies …this could be entertaining …but it wasn’t. She floundered. She was completely insecure and unsure of herself. Maybe she thought she was pulling a “move” on Sean and by making herself a “damsel in distress” she might turn him into her “knight in shining armor”, but whatever she was going for, it backfired. Other options …she was only there to catch Chris Harrison’s eye, or maybe she’s on drugs.
But enough about Kacie B., she’s hardly worth our attention. She had her shot with Ben and on The Bachelor. It didn’t work out. This is reality TV pop-culture …contestants are like tissue paper to us, the viewers, and nobody recycles tissue paper. Sorry. Kacie …who?
“I want you to act like Kacie, and not like this crazy person I’m seeing.” -Sean
We started last night with 16 girls, 32 legs and 31.5 arms, and before the night ended, we’d be down to 14 lovely ladies vying for Sean’s hand in marriage.
Everything kicked off when The Washington-Intern (Lesley M.) got the one-on-one date, and she and Sean traveled to the Guinness Book museum where, amazingly, Sean’s dad owns the record for shortest amount of time to drive through the 48 contiguous states. We never heard about that during his hometown date with Emily …talk about a game-changer. Had he revealed that, instead of pretending he still slept with a pet stuffed frog, he might be with Emily this very day. It also explains a little something I didn’t think of before …Sean and his family might very well be attention-whores and he might not be as ‘perfect’ as we thought. Maybe. For now, I’m still going with “Sean is perfect.”
Anyway, yes, the date. Sean and the Washington-Intern would be attempting to set the new record for “Longest On-Screen Kiss” which, until last night, stood at 3 minutes and 16 seconds. He picked Lesley M. for this who, if you recall, couldn’t kiss him at all on the first episode because she was so shy. And now they’d be kissing on a small stage with people standing and cheering, so “shy” really had to be thrown out the window. She did it, even though it wasn’t really “kissing”, it was just resting their lips on each other. However, they did it …they beat the record and now Sean and his dad are both in the Guinness museum for stupid things. Not like one of those skilled records, like pogo sticking or having long nails.
After the record-breaking kiss, Sean and the Intern talked and had some wine, and she called herself a former nerd. Don’t 90% of us all think we were nerds? I’m looking at Lesley and I’m thinking, no way in hell was she a “nerd”. Lesley has been my front-runner since the moment she stepped out of the limo the first night, but I know these early blossoms of romance never last. Because now that they’ve hit if off, he’s going to keep her on the sideline while trying to get to know some other girls and take them on dates, and while he does that, she’s going to feel ignored and get all paranoid and eventually she’s going to go a week or more without any meaningful “alone time” and it will eat her alive and then she’ll pull Sean aside and her hair will be all messed up, and she’ll start crying, and he’ll be like, “WTF is wrong with you,” and that will be the end for Lesley M., The-Washington-Intern.
Sean’s favorites, so far, are my favorites. He smashed face last night with The-Washington-Intern and The-Bridal-Gown-Chick (aka Lindsay), and The-Bridal Gown-Chick got the group date rose, even. He also likes Desiree, and I think she’s pretty cool, too …even though when he had her one-on-one, she tried to downplay how much “fun” she is and insisted she can be serious and horrible at times …hey, Desiree …quit while you’re ahead.
Oh, and the second one-on-one date went to AshLee, and it was all sweet and nice because she and Sean escorted two young handicapped ladies on a personal day at Six Flags and it was really, really nice …but a little too nice for The Bachelor. It’s difficult for us, the viewers, to go from catty, awful gawkers sipping wine to deciding if we should donate to a charity. It’s also a bad move on the part of The Bachelor producers because, if we suddenly see something “nice” and are hit with a “what really matters” right in the middle of Bachelor dating nonsense, we might turn the channel and realize, hey, we’re pretty horrible people for obsessing about this show for the last decade. The date taught me, I actually like AshLee. I know I made fun of her “adoption” as a back story, but once she told the story, I kinda admire her, now. I guess I shouldn’t always judge a book by its cover. She’s cursed with an “angry face”, but she’s not an angry-chick. The only problem with Sean and AshLee (The Adopted Girl) is they don’t have chemistry. I feel like both of them, on paper, think they should really dig each other and be more attractive to each other than they are, but that’s the part about dating, and love, you can’t explain …sometimes you just don’t fall in love with someone, even though they seem perfect. I like AshLee, and I hope she and Sean can stay friends and I hope she understands what Sean means when he eventually tries to explain he “loves” her but he’s not “in love” with her. And then they can text each other back and forth and “LOL” and stuff.
Oh, and how funny nobody tipped her off to dress casual for her date …she should’ve been pissed she had to spend the day at Six Flags in a mini cocktail dress and 5 inch stilettos.
As for the charity spoiling my buzz, don’t worry …I had already had enough wine, I wasn’t feeling charitable at all. I even groaned and rolled my eyes when Sean brought One-Arm’s dog to see her …all I can say is … “over-compensating.” Most people with a handicap like to be treated “just like everyone else.” Sure, they deserve help and maybe a day at Six Flags without lines and with everything paid for, but if you’re on a reality dating show and you’re very, very good looking, and they bring your dog to play with and make you feel better, you’re not being treated like everyone else. Sean is obviously uncomfortable with her arm thing, and he obviously is not that into her, so he’s being extra nice so when it comes time to send her home, it will seem like it had nothing to do with the arm. And ABC and the Producers are playing along and are probably pretty uncomfortable, too, for even agreeing to whisk her dog by limo for a little game of fetch.
But the real stories of the night, aside from the destruction of the Kacie B. legend, were Amanda and Tierra.
First, Amanda …she’s a conceited bitch if ever there was one. She feels like she can fake her way through this, and it’s obvious she’s a horrible, nasty person by how stand-offish she is, and how she pretty much told the girls she got the group rose, and then she didn’t. That was awesome. In your face, Amanda!
Worse still, was Tierra faking a tumble down the stairs. You’d think nobody would have the guts to pull off a “fake fall” just to get attention, but Tierra is going to live up to the obnoxious mean-girl we saw in the previews. The only thing missing from her “fake fall” were the cartoon sounds of pots and pans and breaking glass that would’ve made it louder. So trumped up was the sound, in fact, I wonder if ABC altered the audio. I played it back twice, and somehow Tierra fell down a solid tiled set of steps and made so much noise, you’d have thought she was walking down the stairs carrying her tuba, drum kit, cymbals, and bike horn. I’m disgusted by this desperate plea for attention, but I’m impressed with her ability to make 50s era radio sound effects. But what does she care, Sean bought it hook, line, and sinker …and even when she waived off the paramedics, he didn’t question her at all …he’s blinded by her booty …her perfect, apple-bottom booty. Crap! Snap out of it, Don!
A bunch of stuff happened and then during the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, and then at the rose ceremony, he politely pulled Kacie B. aside and said he didn’t want her to have to stand through the rose ceremony like an idiot, but either way, she had a really bad night and looked like a train wreck, and in the rose ceremony he sent home Taryn and Kristy (The Model from last week who won the romance novel cover shoot). Both were heart-broken, but both of them were faking it for the cameras …there’s no way either of them were that emotionally invested. At this early stage, when girls are crying, I’m pretty sure it’s because they didn’t fulfill their real dream …of being cast as the next Bachelorette. It’s OK. I get it.
And that’s it for this week. Do you like The Washington Intern? Do you like The Bridal Gown Chick? Are Producers making us think Tierra is more horrible than she probably is (I mean, she was funny when she read two names on the date card, just to f’ with the girls)? Do you like Tierra’s booty? Should I have talked about the volleyball game? I didn’t only because it was totally stupid, but I did like the shot of the losing team crying while the winning team and Sean cheered and frolicked in the surf.
Thanks, as always, for reading. We got our ambulance of the season, though fake, and it looks like next week we’re really gonna get the cat fights going. See you then. Share this recap with your friends. Later.