I love Jimmy Kimmel. He broke down the third wall (I think it’s called the “third wall”) of reality TV when he guest-starred on The Bachelor this week and I love and hate him for it. And he showered with Chris Soules. Basically, Jimmy Kimmel something on my bucket list. Um, I mean, no …showering with Chris Soules isn’t on my bucket list. I mean being on The Bachelor, but not to date, kiss, and potentially sleep with a bunch of hot women – wow, writing that makes me think my bucket list needs some work, come to think of it. Jimmy Kimmel brilliantly came on the The Bachelor and pretty much satirized and roasted the show itself and the process.
Kimmel pointed out people say “amazing” on this show at a level bordering on criminal. It’s so apparent and has been since the show’s inception, it’s almost as if Producers encourage it. There are drinking games built around the use of the word “amazing” on The Bachelor. And here comes Jimmy Kimmel and he makes the equivalent of a “swear jar” where people have to put a dollar in it every time they say “amazing.”
Truthfully, I love and hate this Jimmy Kimmel thing. We all watch this show, and all reality TV for that matter, in a blissful denial of the implausibility and unreality that happens on “reality TV.” 25 impossibly gorgeous women with perfect bodies plucked from an obese society all throwing themselves at a ripped, fat-free bachelor? In what universe does that happen? It’s why women read romance novels. It’s why Penthouse letters exist. It’s the stuff of movies even though, in the movies, the most a guy has to deal with is falling in love with the wrong girl while all the time loving another. There’s rarely more than two girls in a Hollywood rom com. But not on The Bachelor. Then along comes Jimmy Kimmel, who is supposedly a super-fan and has never missed an episode (do I believe it?) and he definitely kicked over our sand castle, a little. Even if every fan and blog does the exact same thing. We do it from far. He went right into the lions den and said, “hey, do you realize he’s kissing and sleeping with other women?” And, “hey, you might win and fall in love and live on a farm, let’s see if you know how to get your hands dirty.”
However, while it was odd to have a voice of reason on this bizarre show, it also vaulted two new girls to the forefront, both for the viewer and probably Chris Soules.
Canadian Sideways Mouth (aka Kaitlyn) turned out to be really, really cool and funny. Her date with Chris, as planned and designed by Jimmy Kimmel, included a trip to Costco. Wasn’t sure to be amused or depressed by that because, I’m not kidding, two weekends ago my wife and I left our kids at home and went for an afternoon shopping trip to Costco. And sometimes, we go to Trader Joe’s and just walk around and sample stuff and shop. It feels romantic in the real world. But played out on The Bachelor, I suddenly kinda felt bad for my wife. Maybe next time I’ll take her to Costco in a helicopter. Or I’ll take her to Costco in the Swiss Alps. Anyway, the Chris-Candadian date included Costco followed by a romantic dinner with Jimmy Kimmel in the middle. And she rolled with it. And let’s not forget she’s the girl who upon stepping out of the limo said, “you can f****g plow my fields, anytime.” Best …first …impression …ever. Chris refelcted on their date saying Canadian Kaitlyn was a “good sport” and he “doesn’t know many girls who could handle a Costco date.” Which, again, to my earlier point, is a completely absurd comment that can only be said in the context of The Bachelor because in reality (aka the real world), 99% of the women he’s ever known or will ever know, would be able to handle a “date at Costco.” Because it’s real life.
Eventually Jimmy Kimmel left them and anointed Canadian Kiatlyn the “keeper” because she’s cool with him sleeping with other women. Again …yes in The Bachelor world, but I’ll bet she’s not so open-minded in the real world.
The next girl who jumped into the top-5 has to be Cruise Ship Singer (aka Carly). On the group date, Jimmy Kimmel had the idea to make them show they could handle farm life – if the farm was run by Ashton Kutcher on Punked. When Jimmy Kimmel was describing the obstacle course, I truly thought they’d never make the girls do all that …but they did. And Cruise Ship Carly went all out like she was on Survivor and not The Bachelor, and won. She drank warm goat milk!!! Holy!
“Drinking goat milk off the teet is not important to me.” -Chris Soules
Yes. I totally picked up on the girls who said they don’t like warm, salty, milky, protein-rich substances in their mouth. But this is a family blog. I won’t stoop so low. But I might’ve cringed and covered my ears at the moment in the show. Oh, Jimmy Kimmel …did Adam Corrolla and the writers from The Man Show help you with that?
The downside was that Cruise Ship Carly didn’t get the rose on the group date after all that. And she was justifiably bummed out. However, she should relax …she scored major brownie points. There’s no way Chris won’t keep her around at least until they all start flying overseas and going on exotic dates in exotic locations. Her one-on-one date will be soon and he might be saving it for someplace awesome. Instead, Beautiful Becca got the group date rose even though she didn’t kiss him and wanted to wait. Becca probably got the rose because Chris can’t believe he’s talking to a girl that hot. Truly, Becca …how are you not married? And why aren’t you married to a professional athlete. Bombshell! And yet, sorta cool and she doesn’t seem aware of her rock-video-girl or porn-star good looks.
Then came the kissing scandal where every girl started questioning how quick Chris is to kiss everyone. Ummm …kissing is a two way street (unless you’re dating Juan Pablo …remember …who hated talking and girls-who-talk and would shut them up my thrusting his tongue into their mouths?). Becca wanted to wait for a kiss. And Chris was cool with that. The rest of these tramps …they attack Chris and Chris is a hillbilly farmer from a small town …what else do you expect him to do? His inner dialog is, “prrretty girrrls, pretty girrrrls, a-yuck, pretty girls …love the pretty girls. A-yuck, yuck, yuck. Sooooo-weeee. Gonna kiss me some pretty girls. Pretty girls. Love the pretty girls. A yuck.”
Let’s face it …Chris could be killed in a farm accident involving heavy equipment before he turns 40. Give him this. Whether he finds a wife or not, he’s the luckiest kid from Iowa that ever lived.
The final one-on-one date was with Baby Maker (Fertility Nurse Whitney). I just have to ask …what’s wrong with her? That’s kinda my mission, now. Aside from the slightly annoying voice, she’s cool and smart and pretty. She works in an industry where she must bump into doctors all the time. What gives? How is she damaged?
Oh, quick aside on “damaged” …I feel really bad for Juelia whose husband committed suicide and left her daughter orphaned and Megan all alone, but that emotional breakdown could’ve been helped my Jimmy Kimmel standing nearby saying, honey, with all you’ve been through, is leaving your daughter for a month and a half and coming on TV really the best idea? Can you imagine her parents and her in-laws saying, “we’re here to help forever and whatever you need,” and she comes to them and says, “what I really need is to go on The Bachelor.” Oh, um, OK. Whatever you need, dear. She’s breathtakingly gorgeous, but she should be home. So bizarre. Wait. I’m glad Jimmy wasn’t there. Because then we’d have to take a step back and realize how awful and demented these people are on this show.
Back to Baby Maker Whitney. On the surface, and even on their date where they crashed a wedding in hilarious fashion and she carried them through the ruse, she seems perfect. So why isn’t she married? I’m watching you, Whitney. I’ll figure it out, soon.
To me, it seems like a three-horse race at the moment between Canadian Kaitlyn, Cruise-Ship Carly, and No-Shower Britt. If I had to make a Top-5, The Kardashian Wanna-Be is still on the radar, as is Baby-Maker Whitney, but those others are the Top-3 I’m picking.
We said goodbye to Amber and Trina (and maybe one other), and yet somehow Crazy Eyes Ashley S. (who went insane last week on the paintball date) is still around. I’m not getting this at all. The only thing I can figure is that Chris knows he’s never going to take her on a one-on-one, has no connection with her, the Producers want her around for entertainment value, and they’ve all agreed to just keep stringing her along. No sense in dragging true hopefuls halfway around the world who will just continue t act normal(ish) when this girl could put on another freak show. Right? Remember. It’s TV. Jimmy Kimmel would agree Crazy Ashley should go home and get her meds right and seek therapy. But TV producers seeking ratings and buzz on social media do not agree.
Do you agree with me? Do you agree with my Top-3? Or my Top-5? Can you believe next week we’re going to learn there’s another virgin on this show and now, when I thought we already knew who’d be in the final three, we have a wrinkle? No wonder they told us …ABC knew they’d have another virgin bombshell before all was said and done.
As always, thanks for reading. See you next week. For more random Bachelor observations and thoughts throughout the week, follow @spunkybean.com.