Let this recap serve as both a look back and a look ahead to tonight’s The Bachelor. It’s hard to believe we’ve already come to the point in the season where Chris Soules had to call a town-hall meeting and let all the girls know …hey …he’s here for the right reasons and to find a wife. And ya know what? This simple Iowan might actually believe, in his heart, he is and that there’s actually a girl in the cast that’s also their for the “right reasons.” But it’s a long shot. If anyone might be, I’m going to guess Kelsey (the widowed school teacher who is wondering, um, why did she come on the show), Baby-Maker (aka Whitney), and newly emerging Jade (the cosmetics developer from L.A. that was born and raised in Nebraska).
How did I miss Jade? I guess she’s been mostly in the background, but now she’s at the forefront, in a big way. The biggest thing about this season is this – will the girl he picks in the end actually entertain a life on a farm in Iowa? Because Chris isn’t looking for a high-profile life when this is done, or a reality show about farm life (even though I’m confident there’s a producer developing a show to put in front of him about a farmer who takes drugged up celebrities onto his farm to make them work and rehabilitate them …something like that. It’s a show …trust me). Anyway …Chris is not, in my opinion, about to sell his family farm. Three years from now, he’ll either be completely off the radar back working his farm, or we’ll see him with his wife (the girl he picks this season) on the red carpet at some future Bachelor or Bachelorette special or premier event. If he finds love, ABC will televise his wedding (which will be held in Iowa). But I really think this isn’t what he expected and he’s too normal to handle the next month.
But Jade …keep an eye on her. She’s perfect! A midwest girl who went to Hollywood to be a model – and has the looks and the body to make that work – but got burnt out and now has a cosmetics line. It could be Mary Kay or Avon, I realize that, but I’m falling in love with Jade, so I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt.
Enough about Jade.
Last week, we had two group dates and two 1-on-1 dates, and one of those 1-on-1 dates was decided by Chris’s sisters who all showed up to interview the girls. OK, this means I have to talk about Jade, again. It was obvious why Chris’s Iowa sisters liked this Nebraska girl. She’s down to earth. Low key. And, hence, she got the date that allowed her to dress up like Cinderella and they went to a ball to promote the new Cinderella movie. Who cares? She was gorgeous. Chris was, at times, speechless. Maybe I’m making too much out of this, but this was a turning point in the show. An obscure girl in the group burst onto the scene and everyone fell in love. Chris’s sisters love her. I love her. Chris loves her. The girls in the mansion hate her. And one girl, Kim Kardashian (aka Ashley I.) offiicially went off the deep-end because of Jade. Ashley went and put on her ball gown and got all dressed up because she wanted to be the princess and …whoa …jealousy turned to madness. And Ashley popped her top, skinny dipped, and snuck into Chris’s tent on the group date. Are we sure Ashley’s a virgin? Does she know what that word means?
Kim Kardashian Ashley is a virgin and unmarried and I think we’re starting to see why. She’s a walking riddle to men. You can’t worship at the altar of Kim Kardashian and look like her and copy her fashion without also adopting her sluttiness (if “sluttiness” is a word). That’s part of her appeal. She is famous because (a) she made a sex tape first and (b) because she’s impossibly exotic and sexy and everyone wanted to know more about her after the sex tape was released. But without the “slut” part, first, we wouldn’t know her. Period. And her celebrity continues because she’s still attractive and curvy in the right places, and now she has a famous husband in Kanye West (are they married?). But my point is …it started with sex. So, if you’re Ashley, and you love Kim Kardashian (and she does …she admits it and blogs about it, I think), you can’t be a virgin. You need to be slutty. I’m sorry. That might sound harsh, but it’s true. If you don’t want to be treated like a sex object, don’t aspire to look like and be like Kim Kardashian.
So, Kim Kardashian Ashley is one of the virgins, but last week we learned there’s another, and it was handled much differently. We learned Becca is also a virgin, and I’m not really certain how it even got brought up. But Becca makes it work. She simply says it’s a choice she made and that’s that. Girls were shocked, but quickly got over it. And Becca didn’t go getting dressed up in a ball gown and prancing all around, and crying, and sneaking into tents. Nope. Becca owned the fact she might not be the best kisser or the sexiest girl in the mansion because that’s not her idea of femininity. I’m putting many words and philosophies into her persona. I realize that. But what I’m getting at is Becca just made it seem like, oh, well, eventually it will come out, so here it is. But that’s not what defines her.
What else? What else? There was the obstacle course date which the brash New Yorker (aka Jillian) won. which entitled her to a 1-on-1 date, and she blew it. But that’s OK. She wasn’t going to move to Iowa, anyway. I loved how she talked and talked and talked and …talked. Nervously and part because she thinks she’s the mos interesting person she knows, so why wouldn’t Chis just want to listen to her talk about herself. Also, crazy Ashley S. was mercifully sent home because she’s just not right. I’d say it’s “an act”, but let’s be honest, if your goal is to get some sort of hosting gig or reality how of your own, acting like an alien that came to Earth and went on a reality show …hey, that’s actually a good idea for a movie. Like Splash, but instead of befriending a regular joe, because your planet has learned about Earth through the TV signals that arrive through space, you think you can assimilate on Earth as a reality show contestant.
I need to write that script.
Anyway, I’m very interested in seeing Ashley S. on the after-the-rose thing and see if she can explain herself, apologizes for herself, or admits some hardcore drug usage going on.
Something I learned last week is that Chris won’t be taking these girls overseas and to exotic ports of call. This will be yet another great way to weed out the fame seekers. We said goodbye to Crazy Ashley, Jillian (from the 1-on-1 date where she wouldn’t stop talking and didn’t get the rose on that date), and we said goodbye to Jeulia, who tearfully recounted her husband committing suicide, and it showed the human side of Chris and how he’s not affected by Hollywood quite yet. He just knew …Jeulia isn’t ready to be dating, and certainly not on a reality show and get her heart broken much further down the line.
For those that waited, thanks for checking in and reading. I’ll see you tonight after the show with another recap.